SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This post is just for conversation as it’s a question I’ve often asked my self.

When I wear in my early stages after D-Day my IC discussed with me my options and potential outcomes. We discussed this because I kind of wanted her to tell me what she thought my best option moving toward was but obviously can’t dictate that to me and explained no one can predict the future.

1. Stay but remain unhappy. Unhappy because I may not be able to get past the A, unhappy because my WS does not change or show remote etc

2. Stay and be in a marriage I find contentment and happiness in.

3. Divorce and find happiness again.

4. Divorce and still never be happy. Unhappy from loneliness, regret for not giving marriage a second chance etc. Or unhappy because it’s happened again to you?

Now for me, since reading story upon story there are people from all the first 3 categories but I am yet to read where anyone regrets divorce. So is there anyone out there that has. Maybe because your Ex has shown a huge change and now is a more safe and decent partner/person.

Just something I have thought a lot about.

I think any outcome is mostly up to you.

And I don’t mean that as dismissing the question, I have found we tend to hit what we aim for.

If we’re aiming to be happier and healthier, we tend to get there.

As for the different paths forward:

R clearly requires a WS worthy of taking that path, but the rest of choices, to me, are powered by your goals, wants and needs.

In my world, I have family and friends (a lot more infidelity in and around my family than the national average, that’s for sure) that are happy with their path and some who aren’t.

My own mother, it took her a third marriage to find some happy, the first two guys were narcissistic cheaters, second hubby had a second family — but again, third time was great.

My brother regrets divorcing his second wife (think they were MH) — they are great friends now, but they each wished they had given it more of a chance back in the day. He ultimately seems like he will find another relationship, but is doing the single dad thing for now.

Of the guys I went to school with (friends of 40+ years) several of them are divorced, 2 happy single guys and one very depressed single guy.

I had a professor in college, who was a fairly mediocre teacher, but a life philosophy that we always really know what we want, we’re just afraid to always go after it. That when we all close our eyes, meditate a bit and ask ourselves the question, what is it we really, really want — the answer is there.

I wouldn’t apply that philosophy to food, I think that would result in a lot of unhealthy choices, but with the big life questions, it can be helpful.

I would only ever stay in an M if it could be better, be safer and be worthy of me.

The best day of my recovery, best day of my healing was the day I knew I would be great whether I stayed or not.

Once I understood I would be happy, regardless of the outcome, I chose to work on the rebuild a while to see how it went. For me, R or D, either works and happy will happen.

I don’t see how one can make a real comparison. Many divorce and go on to live happily single or with a new partner. Many divorce and remain angry and bitter their entire lives and although they may not regret divorce it doesn’t mean they are happy. I’ve seen people who claim to be happily divorced that still talk about how awful their ex is. If you’re so happy now why are you holding on to such an energy sapping grudge? The happiness whether you stay or go must come from within, your own work and your own healing. I’ve seen happy people in what I’d deem terrible circumstances and unhappy people living what looks to be a charmed life.

It's unlikely there's a single, universally "true" answer to whether reconciliation is the right path after infidelity, as the optimal choice is deeply individual. While I believe that, for many, divorce often offers the most direct route to personal recovery, this isn't a universal solution. Ultimately, I contend that the decision to reconcile or separate is intrinsically linked to an individual's core character traits. I'm certain you will have individuals out there who regret divorce and truly wish they'd attempted reconciliation. Though I do suspect it's more rare.

Speaking for myself, and other individuals who share my perspective, happily reconciling after infidelity would be impossible. This outlook typically stems from a combination of three key traits:

- High self-belief: Leading to a conviction that one deserves better than a situation involving betrayal.

- Unmovable principles: A strong moral stance against infidelity that cannot be compromised.

- Highly logical nature: Prioritising rational considerations over purely emotional ones, recognizing that many compatible partners exist.

From a basic analysis, these traits make reconciliation highly improbable. An individual with high self-belief would likely not accept a diminished perception of their worth by remaining with a betrayer. Their unmovable principles would preclude staying in a relationship that fundamentally violates their core values. Furthermore, a highly logical individual would likely view the "intangible" aspects of reconciliation, such as a unique bond, as less significant than the practical reality of betrayal, understanding the vast pool of potential partners available.

Conversely, individuals who incline towards reconciliation often demonstrate a different set of traits:

- High empathy: A capacity to understand and share the feelings of another, including the wayward partner's potential remorse or struggles.

- Regard for forgiveness as a high virtue: A belief that forgiveness is a moral imperative and a path to healing.

- Highly Emotional Nature: Valuing the emotional complexities of a long-term relationship, shared history, or family unit more than a purely rational assessment of the situation.

These individuals often demonstrate high empathy, allowing them to understand the betrayer's struggles and remorse. They also value forgiveness deeply, seeing it as a virtue and a path to healing and rebuilding. Finally, their tendency to prioritize emotional connections and shared history over purely logical considerations drives them to preserve the relationship despite the betrayal.

It's worth noting that empathy is generally observed to be higher in females than males. Interestingly, data on infidelity and divorce suggests that although men are more likely to cheat, they are also more likely to divorce due to infidelity. This is unlikely a coincidence, as women's generally higher empathy might correlate with a greater capacity for forgiveness or a stronger drive to work through indiscretions.

Similarly, reconciliation appears far more prevalent amongst religious individuals. Religion generally preaches forgiveness as a high virtue, which to my mind, is unlikely a coincidence in influencing this outcome.

It would be astonishing if a detailed character analysis of individuals who have experienced infidelity didn't reveal a strong correlation between their personality traits and their chosen outcomes. While the traits of the "wayward" partner also play a role, for someone who rates highly in either of these three specific characteristics, reconciliation or divorce will likely be the outcome, regardless of the circumstances of the betrayal or the betrayer's qualities.

Of course, these six traits are merely illustrative. Human personality is a complex interplay of countless characteristics, leading to millions of different configurations that influence whether a betrayed partner is capable of, or right to, consider reconciliation. These specific traits simply serve to highlight clear distinctions in outcomes.

This leads to an interesting solution when whilst considering divorce / reconciliation. I wonder if prior deciding you could take an in-depth character analysis and use the results to help point you in a direction. Though inherently the results would be biased as presumably this would be a course of action more likely to be undertaken by a logically minded individual.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:38 AM, Tuesday, May 27th]

I do know of a wayward that regretted his D (not that he would admit it).

He married his long term OW who was his secretary. She was very very high maintenance- plastic surgery, facial treatments weekly, high end designer clothes - she was afraid of being g replaced by a younger model.

She was an alcoholic but he had no idea until they lived together how bad it was.

His young adult kids hated the second wife. She kept the dad from seeing them - even alone. The cheater H had no freedom - she knew what he was capable of and she kept him under surveillance.

He had a very poor relationship with all of his children due to the second wife.

He had no contact or very limited contact with his siblings, cousins etc.

I have a very very close friend whose XH was a serial cheater. And he does regret his D b/c most of their friend group remained friends with his ex-wife. After people learned what was going on, he quickly lost favor with 20+ year friends. He still tries to initiate contact but we mostly ignore him.

I've said elsewhere: it appears from SI that BSs who divorce seem to find peace more readily than those who attempt R. It seems reasonable that a WS is more likely to regret divorce.

Oldwounds: an interesting precis of the people you know.

DrSoolers: firstly, congratulations on being from my home town. Your comment is quite logical and I was about to scroll past it until I read your list of characteristics of those who seek R, when I decided your comment was more balanced.

The1stWife: I always value your comments, in particular your footnote

Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

If you've read any of my comments or topics, you'll know I've been struggling with R for 15 years; I think my failure to move forward as yet is not so much due to my wife's lack of commitment to the process, but to the fact that she just doesn't understand the scale of the problem facing us. I think this is partly due to my inability (thus far) to communicate my unhappiness; the aim of my current IC is to find the courage, strength and knowledge to take the next steps, one of which will be to explain to her, with absolute clarity but without trying to make her feel guilty, my chronic and debilitating unhappiness.

It's very easy to say, and hindsight is 20/20 etc, but I can't at present see how divorce fifteen years ago wouldn't have been the better option.

(I really, really wish it were possible to tag people on this site, like you can do on facebook/twitter/Instagram!)

DrSoolers: firstly, congratulations on being from my home town. Your comment is quite logical and I was about to scroll past it until I read your list of characteristics of those who seek R, when I decided your comment was more balanced.

Up the toon!

I seem to have this affect on a lot of users, what was it that made you want to scroll past initially? Maybe I can use that as a learning experience.

Once I understood I would be happy, regardless of the outcome, I chose to work on the rebuild a while to see how it went. For me, R or D, either works and happy will happen.

So everything old wounds said is my feeling too.

The only thing I can add is that your posts lately to me have all equated to you pressuring yourself for an answer to the outcome of the marriage.

I think this is normal, but it also makes a few things known:

You do not like living in a state of indecision (very few do). Probably because you feel guilty for not really feeling like showing up as his wife. You feel like there is no way to feel the way you did before, and you are efficient and don’t like to waste time. You are deeply unhappy and want to get free from that state.

I generally think that divorce can be the answer. But I also think no matter which way you choose is not magically going to take these complicated feelings away. It’s normal to not know what you want at 18 months out. I would actually say that is highly rare anyone does. And you have to heal from it no matter what happens with the marriage.

My advice is if you want to divorce, then do so.

If you do not know and you oscillate, then give up on a decision, give up on what the outcome should be, and just be authentic to yourself every day. Work on your own healing. Sometimes it’s helpful to set a time limit. Say "I am not going to decide for six months so I am going to let that part of the struggle go" and then allow yourself to be in feeling your feelings and continuing to work towards your own happiness, and focus on your needs and wants.

The wrestling with the outcome is out of fear if it’s just continuing to oscillate. If you consistently want divorce then you aren’t moving because of a different fear. Try and figure out which it is and naming the fear. Then you will be able to move forward.

If you choose to take the six months, be willing to extend if you haven’t landed on anything. The idea is to surrender the struggle not put another pressure point in deciding.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:04 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]

Also, remind yourself that you are giving him a gift if you add time to the process, so on days you don’t feel like playing nice, don’t. Honestly in some ways this builds trust. Because a) if they stay steady with their work they aren’t hinging their behavior on external conditions. B) they prove they are in it to win it c) they prove to you and themselves they can navigate hard things d) they demonstrate remorse because they know that they caused this reaction.

Give yourself permission to be where you are - you will see it will feel better. Suppression can actually make the feelings bigger and more overwhelming. You can be mad or upset with someone without being abusive, that’s the one thing that will make it feel worse. And sometimes a bs holds things in until they explode and it add to guilt.

You deserve grace from yourself and from him.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:49 PM, Tuesday, May 27th]

I am happily divorced. I hated to even kiss my ex and had no desire for sex with her. I never imagined myself divorced. Married at the age of 37. I never remarried. She is having her 2nd divorce. I have not seen her since the divorce. Sent back a letter she wrote me a year ago, unopened.
I would rather be alone vs around a person who I can't trust.

Thanks everyone for the responses, it was just a question I had in my head since that bloody therapy session. Plus all the posts from BS who are so much happier divorced I just wanted to know if the opposite was a possibility. But I guess finding an unhappy divorced BS is hard. OldWounds your brother may be the only example, lol.

H/O you are always so kind and I think you would be happy to know for a while now I have actually started to feel a bit of peace. Our life is pretty ‘normal’ again except now he hasn’t slipped into his old ways. He hasn’t lied or omitted truth (that I know of lol) since that last time a few months back, his communication is still ongoing (he talks so much now) always tells me his plans, he offers me emotional support and ideas for problem solving in life situations.
I still think about the A but it really doesn’t get me down as much as it once did and we just attended another wedding in the weekend of a good friend of mine where we had a brilliant time and I actually enjoyed seeing my friend commit her life to her new husband. As opposed to me cringing during vows lol.
I, with a lot of help from reading and listening to advice have let go of the fact I can’t control what he does. I can only control I do. And it is definitely a freeing feeling. He is well aware now my life will continue with or without him. His choice is to continue on a path of growth and stay married or go back to his old ways and divorce. So far he is sticking ti option 1.

I am happy you are doing better, Webbit. You are a great person and that has gone through to me since you have been here. Probably why I follow your posts. Whether or not you decide to divorce or however you find happiness, you deserve itZ

I guess my take was this one combined with the one where you responded to old wounds the other day on his 9 years post. Regardless, you have done very well with handling yourself since very early on. You may not feel that but I have seen it.

The only regrets I ever hear about from a BS who divorced was that they didn’t do it sooner.
Count me as one of them.

A HUGE weight lifted when I filed, and another, larger weight lifted when the divorce was granted.

Ohitsyou,

I am not meaning to single you out. But I think there is another layer to this discussion that could be had, and your response kind of made me think of it.

I think some people do divorce based on infidelity alone I have listened closely to those who divorced, and it rarely seems to me that the affair were the only grounds. Though, I do feel those are complete grounds, nothing else needed.

It’s just it seems to me that the ones that divorce and don’t look back had awful spouses in more than just that way, but the affair was more like the final straw of a lot of bad behavior OR that the person who cheated doesn’t want to do any real work in the aftermath.

Not trying to threadjack. Just wondering if you )or others could expound on if the affair was part of it for you or all of it for you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:27 PM, Wednesday, May 28th]