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So a few weeks ago, my wife, after 4 years, opened up to her close cousin about her affair. Her cousin had been cheated on by her husband and I actually had wanted to open up to her for support for several years but had to remain silent because my wife didn’t want her to know. Naturally, a few days later her cousin texts me saying that I need to learn to forgive. I don’t have to forget but I need to forgive and that if I ever wanted to talk she would be there for me as "she gets it because she’s been there. Feeling the need to express my fears and doubts, we had a fairly long texting conversation where I let myself be vulnerable. Two days later, my wife is pissed at me and cancels a trip we had planned, I texted her cousin asking her if she spoke to my wife. She said yes, but she didn’t give her any details of our conversation. After not speaking for a couple days, I finally ask my wife what she’s so pissed about and she said "you know what you said". After stewing about how things were left, I did look at the last texts my wife had with her cousin. Her cousin screenshot the entire conversation I had with her and shared it all. Now, why in the hell would someone who’s been there and knows how important honesty is up and lie like that. Sometimes I feel like I have a shirt on that says "Screw me over, I Love it!" It truly blows me away how people just can’t be honest. Now her cousin has destroyed any trust I had in her. I don’t hate her but I sure as hell don’t respect her. I feel the need to express to her how much being lied to hurt and how much lyi g to me wrecked the trust I had in her. Should I just leave this lay there? The old me would for sure but the new me tends to lay it out there and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm not sure I follow?

Did you say anything cruel in the conversation? Or were you simply venting about how upsetting the betrayal is?

I can't understand how you venting about being betrayed has led to your wife not speaking to you for days. It seems an unreasonable response. Surely she is aware you will be disappointed, degusted and hurt by her actions. I cant work out what would have been said that could lead to her response.

Does she know she's lucky you didn't outright divorce her in the face of the betrayal?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:19 PM, Friday, May 30th]

I'm sorry that you've been betrayed by the cousin because this is another betrayal. I'd take this as a learning opportunity to NOT confide in anybody in your WW's family.

I'd be more concerned about your WW's behavior. You started here in 2021, and this is what she's doing and giving you the silent treatment? What is she - 14? I'd bet money that this was a set up from the start. Plus, the silent treatment can be emotional abuse (sorry, XWH is NPD).

If it were me, I'd be pissed at both.

As for the cousin, why not send an NC text and block them? I wouldn't go into a ton of detail, but you could say that due to her behavior, you have no interest in maintaining the relationship.

the worst part about being lied to is knowing you weren't worth the truth

-Jean-Paul Satre

I have a rule. Unless it's a very close friend or trusted family member if you tell one person something, just pretend you have a bullhorn and you're telling everyone. I don't know what you said during that conversation, but knowing it was your wife's cousin I'd have assumed it would get back to her so I wouldn't have said anything I wouldn't have wanted my wife to see or hear.

That said, it was pretty uncool of this cousin to do that. I don't blame you for being pissed. That was a betrayal of confidence, especially given the "I'm here if you ever want to talk" offer. You'd think her having been through it herself she'd have been a little more understanding and kept it between the 2 of you, or at least not have screenshot the entire conversation. Sheesh.

Tough call on whether or not to say something to her. I'd be tempted to, but I don't know how close you are to this cousin and there's also the likelihood that whatever you say will get right back to your wife again. It could just stir things up more. I'd probably type something up, then not send it and let it go, but never forget what happened. I'd for sure never confide in her again. If you regularly talk to this person maybe a cold shoulder would get the message across.

1) I don't see how one can conduct an effective discussion about gut-wrenching matters by text. Remember: we communicate with body language and tone of voice more than by words. Body language and TOV play parts in in composing a text (or email or letter, etc.), but none of that is communicated by the words that show up on a screen.

IOW, you are almost guaranteed to mis-communicate in a conversation conducted by written word. Your W probably misread you, and you probably misread your W.

2) R is M. In M, a couple usually spends a lot of time face to face resolving issues, sharing thoughts and feelings, and doing things. That means, IMO, that during the R process, you communicate face to face as much as possible.

My reco: next time a conversation starts by text, stop it early and suggest waiting until you can carry on the conversation face to face.

3) I know of nothing that says you need to forgive your WS. I'm all for forgiving when it's in the BS's interest to forgive, however - but that doesn't seem to be what your W and her cousin are demanding.

3) R is possible without forgiveness. I suspect most BSes who R do forgive, but it's not necessary.

4) Forgiveness is easier for the BS to give if the WS earns it, and it's easier for a WS to earn it by being remorseful, taking responsibility for the A, and changing from cheater to good partner. Demanding forgiveness is no way to earn it.

*****

I'm sorry this cousin spilled stuff she should have kept private, and I'm sorry your W opened up to her cousin instead of to you.

I finally ask my wife what she’s so pissed about and she said "you know what you said"

What makes you feel your wife is truly remorseful? Assuming you didn’t lie about her in that text thread, your wife’s reaction to seeing the content screams she’s not remorseful AT ALL. She’s only concerned how she looks to others, and doesn’t seem to care a whit about your pain. Is that your definition of remorseful?

It is always astounding to me how so many WWs after cheating, are so pre-emptively pissed at their BHs in the aftermath. Your WW was the one who cheated but she feels that YOU betrayed HER for discussing her affair with her cousin. Who even already seemed to know about WW's stepping out, no less too.

Um, yeah, got it

You see the insanity in this too?

Just to be clear, even if WW's cousin had not known previously, you telling who you feel you need to tell, is something your WW needs to consider as simply a consequence for her actions. But, your WW's cousin already knew--she was the one who reached out to you, so there isn't even that.

Yeah I agree w gr8ful, you WW is NOT AT ALL remorseful, she hardly even seems regretful.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:39 AM, Saturday, May 31st]