SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been doing a lot of processing this weekend and lots of deep talks with my husband. Reconciliation is going well and we are starting to plan things for the future again such as next year's holiday. My husband is obviously ashamed of how he behaved during his affair as a husband, a father, and as a friend (the AP was his friend's wife). I really do believe he has changed so much in the past 13 years (much like another member on here who disclosed his affair years later) and he really isn't that man anymore. However, I realised I am also dealing with shame. I feel the shame of how my husband behaved and even feel the shame of how the AP behaved as a mother and that my husband facilitated this. I have always struggled with shame and carried a lot of shame from my own sexual behaviour prior to meeting my husband. I know where there stems from - I was shamed by my parents throughout my childhood and when I became a teenager sex was treated as a shameful activity - I found out I was pregnant at 19 after splitting from my boyfriend and my mother was so ashamed of me, we never told my father and I felt I had no choice but to have an abortion rather than bring further shame on my family. I struggled so much with shame and regret afterwards and had no one to talk to about it. Consequently I have often equated sex with shame and I am now struggling with the feelings of shame from staying with a husband who was capable of sexual betrayal. I love my husband, I forgive my husband, I feel so much empathy and sadness that he has to live with what he did and that he betrayed himself but I feel I am almost sharing his shame with him even though he does nothing to make me feel this way.
I am not sure if I am making sense, and I will discuss all of this in counselling tomorrow but I just wondered if anyone else had struggled with shame like this?

Eva,

I am probably the last person to advise you on how to eliminate shame other than to say, though the feelings of shame are common, shame only serves to injure all parties involved.

I hope your therapist’s appointment is able to address shame correctly. Just know you are not alone in feeling this way. Though shame is common, it doesn’t have to be your burden to carry.

Asterisk

Evio - your posts are always so helpful to me and I often read them with my wife. I wish I had more words of wisdom to impart, but your post resonates with me. I carried a lot of shame due to my sexual activity from my childhood/teenage years. When I initially disclosed my affair I was unsure if I should tell my wife everything about my past, but my therapist indicated she thought it was important and it has definitely been helpful. Between IC and long talks with my wife I am much better at giving myself some grace for that time period. Now that I am in my 50s I look at that time period as being much closer to a child than an adult. Combined with other trauma that was a factor I can now look at the child I was and feel tremendous sadness for him rather than shame. Really wish I would have done the work on this earlier.

Your posts resonate with me because your husband and my journey are similar and your path is similar to my wife's. I worry that she will feel embarrassed or ashamed for staying with me. One of the friends she disclosed to is super supportive of us (she is a long time mutual friend of ours). She was with the one other friend recently and asked what she would do if she were in her shoes and her friend could not answer, which felt like a judgement (but was honest). When she told me about that I felt such sadness and immediately wondered if my wife felt like our marriage would forever be less than because of my infidelity. On every other measure we have a great marriage, but will this overwhelm that is something I think about.

Ultimately I do not believe anyone knows what they will do before infidelity impacts them directly. I would have said it was a deal breaker and I am sure my wife would have also, but we are reconciling. Ultimately I view my wife as being so strong to give this a chance and my s admiration for her (which was already off the charts) has grown. I hope she eventually feels that staying and fighting for our marriage is something she can be proud of, but want to let you know your feelings are valid and am sure every betrayed spouse who chooses to reconcile has them at some point.

I have spent a lot of time in IC working on shame. Posts here have helped (especially hikingout) and the more I recognize and process it the easier it becomes to not let it drag me down. I firmly believe it was a major factor in my decisions and has impacted me since I was a child. It is destructive. Really hope your counselor can help you move past this as I think you (and other betrayed spouses) are nothing short of super heroes.

shame only serves to injure

It's a shame that this word even exists; a fundamental flaw of language.

Rewrite your entire post, Evio, and replace all 15 uses of the word with something else, either another word or phrase. I think you'll notice a profound change not only in how you view yourself and your husband, but humanity in general.

ETA: Google Brene Brown's TED on shame.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 6:20 PM, Sunday, November 23rd]

Unhinged - it is a shame, Shane exists! I'll will look up Brene Brown...i think I tried to read one of her books years ago but obviously wasn't ready for it.

Asterisk - thank you, it helps to know im not alone.

Feelingverylow - our stories definitely mirror each other and I had a similar experience to your wife where I asked a friend what they would do and they didn't know - I don't think anyone knows what they would do and unless you have experienced infidelity, you can't understand it which is why so many of us end up on this forum.

I had a really good therapy session today and I think I am at the stage in my recovery where I am over the initial trauma and I'm able to work on other issues within myself alongside betrayal trauma. However, I think this work is deep and exhausting and I need to be careful not to let it consume and forget to live alongside healing. So whilst this forum has been a lifesaver for me I have decided to take a break from SI to try to make sure I get some down time in between therapy and deep conversations with my husband.

Evio:

I've had that same discussion in my head along with "I told you so..." with my deceased father. He was not a fan of my wife for a variety of reasons and that one has been driving me crazy. His reasons don't match at all with what happened but that voice is still there. IC is so important for me in each of these areas. It feels like working out a muscle. Higher repetions/weight will continue to yield better results, just don't push too hard or you'll end up hurting yourself. That's kind of where I'm at especially during the holidays. There's no rational explanation some days. This AM was a great example. Had a wonderful weekend with my wife on Saturday and my youngest daughter yesterday. I wake up this AM and I can barely get out of bed. I think it becomes a scenario where I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop....two days of positivity, followed by "How can I deserve that, something bad must be looming?" It becomes a self-fulfilling cycle. In my case I think there's a shame element and a fear element to those feelings that few people other than this community can relate to.

[This message edited by Bos491233 at 5:29 PM, Monday, November 24th]