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BackfromtheStorm

I think what you are writing about the feeling of safety may apply in many cases. I would use the word comfort. Some people may be more comfortable and open in objectively less safe situations.

It doesn't change the fact that when some people see the bad wolf licking it's teeth before devouring them and their loved ones (which they vowed to protect), they feel like they never saw anything more beautiful and exciting in their life and they serve at the feast. It's not always that they reluctantly oblige to make the wolf accept them, though it happens as well. And of course there are people who are the wolfs. No attempt of evolutionary psychology and neurological rationalizations can change the fact that this is who they are, so why not just say it in a frank way?

When my ex GF cheated on me, I had no doubt why. The guy was a bit taller, dark hair (I'm blond), better cloths, he was older and had more status back then. He was arguably more charismatic in a clownish way, but she liked it. He was more her type. If I fooled myself to believe that she was just lost and "didn't get" something about him instead of accepting that she desperately wanted to jump his bones (as much as it hurt and threatened my self esteem), I would probably allow her back in later and it would be the worst decision of my life. I would end up with someone incompatible in a labyrinth of cognitive dissonance of my own creation.

[This message edited by Itiswhatitis000 at 5:12 PM, Thursday, January 15th]

Itiswhatitis000

I see your point, psychology plays the background role, it is useful if we know the patterns because often they are predictable.

Yes, you are correct, both women and men have "a type" (idealized partner) is natural, but it is more marginal than we like to think.

Sometimes we get with "our type", most often when we meet someone who lights the emotional spark, "our type" goes right out the window and you'd never change him/her for "your type".

Because it is a fantasy, and reality can never match fantasies, but more, we do not even get why we build those fantasies like that, is like the interpretation of emotions we do not fully comprehend by the time when we create it. We may never understand them or we may get them much later in life.

Stupid example:

I always had a strong attraction for blondes.

Never thought much about it, I archived it out as it was just a preference, blonde, blue eyes = prettier.

While it was true that if a girl was blonde (real or fake) or had blue eyes it was a plus, and used to catch my eye more, in the end girls who I found truly attractive had all kinds of hair color, skin color, eye color ad so on. Ultimately it did not matter at all in making the girl attractive to me (let's skip that I was completely emotionally fucked up by my own issues and I was changing girls like you change shows when binge watching, I was terrified of connection).

Want to know what was that? Turns out my mom had post partum depression and she was completely emotional disconnected from me for the earliest years of my life. She was there, but she wasn't there. I have flashbacks of this blonde lady (mostly from her back) near but just outside my reach.

And that's where my "blonde" ideal comes from.

Your cheating ex girlfriend might have a similar 'simulacrum', and that might have played a role, but cheating is a deeper issue yet, "healthy" women and men will break up with you when they realize it does not work out or it was just temporary.

Cheaters tend not to break up, at least not until they have an option secured, or better yet (According to their nerve system) they keep the foot in two shoes, because is selfish and needed to soothe their self worth issues.

Mind also that our sexuality works a bit different, for us beauty and appearance are way more important in the long term to maintain attraction. I don't like to simplify too much, but women are a bit more articulated when it comes to how their attraction works.

I "lost" my girlfriend (now wife) to OMen that if you see in a picture comparison, you would not believe could happen even if she was drunk out of her mind (and she wasn't). I know it is humiliating because we BS cannot avoid to compare ourself to the OM / OW our partner had an affair with, it is human.

But in all seriousness do not let your self worth take a hit for those, because it is not really about you, it is about the WS/WP's own issues.

Is not about OM/OW either in most cases, they are predatory and just using the WS for sex and their own ego boost, most often the WS will get discarded at some point, because he/she is a cheater and deep down, not many people want to ever wear the BS shoes (we are in a club no one wants to join) by committing to a cheater.

Or if those 'relationship' work, is very likely there will be cheating from one or both sides, because it is something who started dirty from both APs and is unlikely will flip into clean and honest partnership.

Sexual and self esteem exploitation and discarding is the most common outcome for a WS.

That is likely to be the destiny of the OP's WS as well, no matter how much blood of their family they sacrifice to the altar of betrayal.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 9:08 AM, Friday, January 16th]

Just an update, if for nothing more than my own sake.

After a really low month for both of us, with my W struggling with shame and guilt for the impact this has had on our teen girls, and me struggling with what sounds like that POLF that people here talk about, the last couple of weeks have been better.

I wrote my W a letter, which was really a list of things I felt I needed from her to continue healing. Not that she hasn't put in great effort, but these were just specific things that I thought telling her about would make it easier for her to be proactive. Unbeknownst to me, the day I gave it to her was perhaps her lowest day in terms of shame and guilt. She'd felt an overwhelming inadequacy as a mother, and had spent most of that day crying. Great timing... The letter sent her down a shame spiral. After a few days, I was able to get the letter back and restate it all in a way that was probably more articulate.

Last week she got us reservations at our favorite restaurant, and when I got home, she told me she was taking me out. She planned the whole evening, including some backseat shenanigans before we got home to the kids, and affirmed me and my strength in this recovery verbally in several ways.

There has been no hint of secrecy or dishonesty in ten months. Even still, I battle daily the fear of it. I know it will likely take years to move past that.

On another note, I did send a brief email to the AP's W. She had been a part of all the past discoveries, and instrumental in helping me get to the truth before. However, she never wanted to know more than her H told her. She never knew (at least from my end), that the A had been physical. After ten months of me knowing all that I know now, I couldn't imagine still living thinking it had only been inappropriate texting. I finally decided to email her. She will likely be angry that I told her, and will likely never respond. I believe she knows this is a pattern with her H and would rather choose to ignore it. Regardless, if the shoe was on the other foot and she knew things I didn't know, I'd hate her for never telling me.

Thank you all here for your advice, encouragement, and support. I have no close friend who has ever experienced this. I wish I'd found this site 5 years ago.

Don’t allow her reactions to keep you from communicating. Letters are often helpful in these situations because you can really start getting out your thoughts and it gives the ws better processing time to address it.

Knowing how you are feeling is what can help her succeed in all reality. As I felt more confident I could provide my husband with what he wanted or needed it helped me understand how to love him, and in return it gave me a recent history that allowed me to start shedding some of the shame and seeing that being able to make amends was not unattainable or some future goal. It reminded me that it was in the day to day moments and gave me breadcrumbs along that path once I was fully on it.

I would have loved to get letters that I could have gone back to reference, regardless of the timing of the delivery. A lot of my guidance came from here instead and I had to do some trial and error and ask a ton of questions. Hi ou have her a gift regardless if she was ready to receive it in that exact moment.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:54 PM, Thursday, January 22nd]

That's a great update man. I'm glad you're beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and date night sounds like it was a resounding success.

There has been no hint of secrecy or dishonesty in ten months. Even still, I battle daily the fear of it. I know it will likely take years to move past that.

Boy, do I know how you feel here. It's been about 8 months for us and she's been really on point, but that nagging feeling of waiting for a nasty surprise is hard to shake. You're probably right about it likely taking a couple of years to start relaxing, but I'm definitely calmer now than I was a couple of months ago. I'm still vigilant, but no longer hyper vigilant.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:37 AM, Friday, January 23rd]