SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you to every one thats read my post and left some advice.

I know every single one of you is right.

Its just hard to walk away from my marriage thats been part of me for over twenty odd years. I keep thinking how could she do what she did. So I asked her. I told here that I don't feel safe in this relationship. Her answer was "It's not safe because of what you keep doing. U keep talking about this and question leaving. That's not nice on me"

So it was ok when I was sitting at home with the kids while she was out with the AP.That wasnt nice on me either. But she didn't care about that.

Im worried about loosing my wife and my family. I tell her every day. She is never worried. I have asked her why and she just says "here we go again". Then spills the same words about how she is going no where, she was stupid.

Its like she isnt sorry for what she did.

I get it. But it still doesn't make it any easier to leave.

"I am 100% committed to our marriage and 100% committed to her."

That’s great. And real clarity for the two of you to get through this.

It seems she doesn’t understand that moving on isn’t behaving like what happened to you didn’t. And that her words and promises aren’t enough anymore. That was true once but that mold was broken when she had the affair and now there are new standards and conditions.

Everything has changed and shifted in your marriage, and for you to go along with the old protocol is dangerous for you. You know that and she does too. No matter what she says, she knows that you can’t accept that kind of risk in your life again. Not if you both want a good marriage.

It’s interesting how hard a time some WS have admitting what they did. They must though, if they want to be trusted again. Trust is foundational in a marriage. Their recommitting means they have to rebuild the trust they broke and accept their blame in it. Then you can both move forward from this.

Part of getting there is her being there for you when you doubt her, doubt yourself, doubt your marriage and all your decisions. She needs to stay steady as you love her one day and are angry the next.

She will need to understand she has to reassure you over and over, until you feel safe again, until she proves she has earned your trust again.

She needs to understand that to "fix" your marriage, she is no longer the center of things. You are.

It can be done, if both partners do their part.

If you can’t get her to understand where she has put you through your conversations, then you can try getting professional help. She sounds like she really has the walls up so it may take an outsiders perspective to get her to see. I wish you the best. We got through it. She has to put in 100% too.

and she just says "here we go again".

Well, she is right, isn’t she? In that you keep repeating the same thing over and over and over and yet expect a different outcome each time.

Nothing will change if you don’t change your approach.

You say, she manipulates you, but you have already said that you were not going to divorce, so that leaves manipulation as your only remaining tactic. You were trying to manipulate her. Look for it in your actions. What are the manipulations that you’re using and are they working?

If you are a fundamentally honest person, then here’s the thing… She’s going to be far better at manipulating you than you ever will be at manipulating her.

Time for a new strategy.