SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have any of you run into this scenario where things are improving (rather significantly) but your brain is stuck in this mode where it wants to resist the progress almost like it feels like the wayward hasn't endured enough of the pain yet in order for you to move on. It feels so petty, but there are times where emotionally I'm feeling like there's been so much improvement between her and I and then my mind puts the brakes on and says "wait a minute, you're letting her off too easy...she needs to continue to feel your anger and sorrow more". My IC talks about stopping and acknowledging those thoughts as fight or flight reactions that are still lingering and my brain wanting to know that it's "safe" to keep moving forward. It seems to be a unique emotion tied to infidelity like so many others we go through.

100% understand this. I think it is completely normal. My W struggles with this roller coaster from me sometimes, almost expecting a rough week if we've had a great weekend together. She understands and doesn't get angry, but it makes her sad. Your post sounds so much like my pattern sometimes.

Wise IC.

Actions can be criminal. Thoughts are just thoughts.

My IC talks about stopping and acknowledging those thoughts as fight or flight reactions that are still lingering and my brain wanting to know that it's "safe" to keep moving forward. It seems to be a unique emotion tied to infidelity like so many others we go through.

Our brains are amazing...and our limbic system instinctively helped us stay alive a long time ago. But at times it can seem to be an enemy! Reading up on the limbic system...limbic lag...or our lizard brain may help you to understand some of your resistance .

The thing is...our limbic system keeps track of our experiences and then acts instinctively when a similar experience happens again. It doesn't matter whether it is one day ago or 30 years ago...our limbic system can recall this experience quickly and then our body reacts instinctively...without logical thought.

It can be retrained...but not by logic. It can only be retrained by experience . When you are feeling there is progress...and you are starting to have good feelings toward your wife...your fight response is kicking in telling you that she is the enemy. Your brain and body start reacting instinctively because it wants to SAVE you from more pain. You can combat this by being more friendly toward your wife . As your limbic system experiences that she is not your enemy...it will act instinctively in a different way.

Yes, I did this for a long time in the beginning. One of the reasons I didn't leave my H was because I wanted to make him suffer. I wasn't going to let him off easy by leaving so he could go off into the sunset with the OW. I was angry and he was going to pay!

I spent years feeling that way. I did my best to hurt him as much as I could. I was absolutely horrible to him. (I don't regret any of it, btw.)

It's been 11.5 years now. I still struggle with this now, but only when he slips back into his old behaviors. The difference now is that I can think myself out of it. I remind myself that he is trying. I call him out on the behavior. We discuss it in MC. My fear and anger dissipate.

Our MC recently pointed that we are both guarded with each and hold back. I know why I'm like that. I asked my H what I had done to make him feel that way. What had I done to hurt him so badly? He said being overly critical. We're still working on things.

A couple of additional things to consider, along with posts already on the thread…

If it’s been a while, and you had thought of yourself as the victim and let it become a part of your identity, then it’s hard to give it up. Because who are you then?

You were wronged, which means that you were right. With that potentiallycomes a feeling of superiority. You’ve held the moral high ground in your relationship, and that could be a powerful feeling. It can be hard to give up that position.

Check yourself and see if either of those things are at play when you feel that resistance bubbling up.

Yes I feel this.

I eas shocked last night when my husband said 2025 was a great year. I said no it was horrible.

He sees the unburdening of his secret life and then the process to begin healing as a miracle. His reconnection to me has been amazing ... but for me it came at a horrible price.

He pointed out the great things
.. I got over my disability, and then proceeded to lose over 100 lbs. And really get healthy.. we have a great routine and accomplish a lot together. We have had some great trips and dumped money sucking piece of real estate. All good things. However I feel the horrendous betrayal dar outweighed the good the betrayal is always in my mind.

So yeah I feel like while he feels shame and pain and sadness he sees it as an ok price to pay for coming clean and being able to connect as a couple like we haven't in the past 25 years.

I dont ant to intentionally hurt him or shame him but i dont want to rugsweep or let him forget because that is what allowed him to relapse after 5 years...( unless he lied and didnt really care but thats another post for another day).

Yes I feel this.

I eas shocked last night when my husband said 2025 was a great year. I said no it was horrible.

He sees the unburdening of his secret life and then the process to begin healing as a miracle. His reconnection to me has been amazing ... but for me it came at a horrible price.

He pointed out the great things
.. I got over my disability, and then proceeded to lose over 100 lbs. And really get healthy.. we have a great routine and accomplish a lot together. We have had some great trips and dumped money sucking piece of real estate. All good things. However I feel the horrendous betrayal dar outweighed the good the betrayal is always in my mind.

So yeah I feel like while he feels shame and pain and sadness he sees it as an ok price to pay for coming clean and being able to connect as a couple like we haven't in the past 25 years.

I dont ant to intentionally hurt him or shame him but i dont want to rugsweep or let him forget because that is what allowed him to relapse after 5 years...( unless he lied and didnt really care but thats another post for another day).

Lizziej,

No offense, but from reading your signature, it's not surprising your WH thinks everything is great. He's a serial cheater. I doubt he has any remorse. He knows there won't be any real consequences for his behavior.

I'm sorry he has done this to you. Why would you stay with someone like that?

Coconuts- Why do I stay?

I was super naive the first 2 times I confronted him, by the third not so much. I thought we did the work to reconcile. I found a lot of online betrayals, but he never confessed about porn and I never found it. I had no clue until he willingly disclosed it THIS YEAR because he knew we couldn't move forward without doing so. When life got tough again in 2023... he went back to it and other online behaviours to cope.

This time I was ready to have him leave and made sure he knew it.

His changed behaviour shows me he is remorseful. If he wasn't, he'd be gone.

While what he did for years was definitely infidelity and a betrayal he never was physical with anyone and never had a pattern of sexting... if I ever discovered different he'd be gone.

I agree with him that there were many great things about 2025. He knows things arent always great, he acknowledges my pain, anger and sadness and realizes how close he came to losing everything. He spent so many years being angry now he is just choosing to focus on the positives. I just dont want him to forget the negatives...because that is what happened before.