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Has anyone regretted informing the AP's significant other about the A (assuming they didn't know)? I've been struggling with this big time and the notion of: Is this coming from a place of "revenge" or wanting him/her to know the truth or a combination of both? I've gone so far as to write an almost 3 page letter that I've had in an envelope ready to send but continue to hold off. Most of the reason is fear of what the AP will do. My children, now all in their early 30's and mid-20's (subtract 15 years from that for ages when affair occurred) were never told and to this day are unaware. All of our friends and family are unaware as well. Social media is a big threat these days for issues like this and I struggle with the damage he could cause by just blowing up my world and posting to the universe what happened 15 years ago. It would then be known to family, friends, etc. It seems like I'm answering my own question but I guess I've never gotten feedback from those who've alerted the AP's significant other and then regretted it due to the factors I've just described. R is going about as well as can be expected and we're both still committed to it so am I just giving him energy that he doesn't deserve? This is yet again, another philosophical dilemma that none of us deserve to have to ponder but the human brain has a hard time purging this stuff for whatever reason. If I don't pursue this, how do I get out of the loop of wanting him to feel this somehow?

I have a friend, who told me this clearly:

If my girlfriend / wife ever betrays me and you know it, I do not want to know.
I respect that because he is my best friend.

As far as my experience, most people do want to know what kind of person they are living with.
Usually is the right thing to do.

Now, if hypothetically, my friend's wife was having an affair with my husband (I have a wife this is just as an example) it touches me, I would not care any longer of his request because is a devastation that touches me personally, then secondary him. So I would tell it all.

See it like this: how much more are you willing to sacrifice your peace and mental health on the altar of pain?

This is something that weighted on your soul for how long? 15 years?
Do you want to carry it until the grave or to bring you prematurely to it?

If you answer yes to those questions, then do nothing, that is also a choice. I think you were the victim here, so is the AP's BP.
You are a BS not the AP's friend holding his/her alibi towards his/her infidelity to their BS.

What can you be afraid the AP can ever do to you more? He/She already destroyed you life, identity, Love, past, present..... do not let him/her destroy the future too.

You are afraid the kids will find out?
Lies and betrayal will always come out in time, no matter how the cheater thinks they are gone, it's a curse for life. It will come out.

Are you afraid they will judge you? What about? You proved your love for your WS was strong enough that survived the ultimate violation a spouse can inflict to your love and bond: betrayal.

Tops, they can be disgusted with your WS, and proud of you. They are your children so in time they will forgive the WS, it's natural, but they might never forget the secrecy once they become adult.

They will understand but they too probably want honesty from their parents at some point.

BackfromtheStorm

Might be the best summary yet...whether I have the courage to do it or not is a different story but I can't disagree with everything you've written.

Appreciate the time and feedback.

Is this coming from a place of "revenge" or wanting him/her to know the truth or a combination of both?

It’s the right thing to do. As long as you’re truthful your motivation literally does not matter. I’ve never understood the whole am I doing the right thing for the wrong reason trope. Just stop after I’m doing the right thing, quit borrowing guilt from your WW and trying to attach it to your motivation.

Couple of questions:
None of your friends / family know.... was that your wish? Is that still your wish?
If you imagine that your family / friends did already know... how does the dilemma sit then?

And this was rather more immediate timing ... but in case this helps at all:
I was visited by my husband's AP's husband... I had only just found out... as had he. He drove to our house in the middle of the night in a rage. He came to ensure that I knew. I did... but though it was shocking at the time.. I knew immediately I was grateful to him. I was also relieved that the children didn't hear anything.

It validated my nightmare in a way that was really helpful to me. I knew I wasn't crazy to think of it as an affair... that it shouldn't be minimised etc.. and that I was justified in feeling absolutely shattered. I've often thought about contacting him / the AP since... I haven't as I'm not sure I know what I am looking to achieve and don't want to interfere in their R if that's what's happening. But I know that he knows.. so I don't have that dilemma.

Best wishes to you.

It validated my nightmare in a way that was really helpful to me. I knew I wasn't crazy to think of it as an affair... that it shouldn't be minimised etc.. and that I was justified in feeling absolutely shattered. I've often thought about contacting him / the AP since... I haven't as I'm not sure I know what I am looking to achieve and don't want to interfere in their R if that's what's happening. But I know that he knows.. so I don't have that dilemma.

From what I read here the contact between both AP's BS's (you and the AP's husband in this case) is useful to ensure that the WS affair truly ended.

You compare notes and see if one AP lies is likely your WS and she are still going on with their affair (EA / PA)

I do not have this in my experience because I was betrayed pre-marriage, so I could only contact the OMen (and even if I am centered, I still feel that could end really, really, really bad for them. So it will happen, but only when I am 101% sure I got myself and my emotions under absolute control, under my terms).

You may have a valuable ally if your goal is to R you both need to ensure both WS are truly reformed and the A is over.

Most of the reason is fear...

Fear profits a man nothing. In over 10 years on this site I've never read from a single BS who regretted Informing an OBS. It's entirely possible, of course, that I might have missed such a story. However, such a tale would have likely been referenced in the countless threads like yours.

It is the right thing to do.
It is perfectly justified.
It is moral.
It is a part of the obligation we all share in this world to look out for one another.

By keeping this a secret you become an accessory to infidelity, help to keep the true nature of infidelity a taboo subject, which is, I believe, detrimental to society at large.

There may be a vengeful aspect to informing OBS, but most of what we human beings do comes from multiple motivations.

My strongest reco is: do not let desire for perfection stop you from informing OBS. OBS needs to know that their WS is cheating in order to be able to take control of their own life. Inform OBS even if you're angry or fearful.

Here are my two cents. Or $10 in today's dollars, lol.

Replace the word revenge with accountability. Or karma if you prefer. Revenge would be going and physically pummeling the AP or having your own A with their BS. Exposing their A to the BS is purely accountability in my eyes. I sometimes call it steering the karma bus to their doorstep. They've earned that accountability all by themselves.

I have never read a single case with someone here at SI where telling the OBS ended badly and that advice is given to everyone, all the time. So there is low risk of it going south. However, we have to be honest and say it is not zero risk. Infidelity does produce some strong reactions and in very rare instances those go badly. More routine issues are more people knowing what happened. Maybe not super common because I think very few people want public exposure so the chances are slim of that... but a BS will potentially tell family or friends and word can get around. It's possible.

Bos,

It wasn't really an OM, but a young guy at church who kissed my WW and was generally obsessed with her, I informed the OM fiance and it allowed me to drop the thought from my mind.

Would do it again.

Also sometimes BWs go for years and years believing partial truths and omissions, their WHs get better at hiding and lying over the years. Please do her the favor, I wish someone would do the same for me.

Bos,

Also you are not honor bound to protect your WWs reputation when it's already destroyed.

You are not spreading lies.

Bos491233, the OBS might have the same concerns that you do. Being cheated on is a humiliating experience and most sane people are not eager to air out the fact that their spouse fucked around them to all and sundry. The OBS might also want to keep the affair a secret from family and friends, particularly if their goal is reconcile, which is the knee-jerk reaction of 99% of people in the wake of Dday.

So unless you know for a fact that the OBS is a dangerous person (ie, has a publicly known history of violent behavior) or is a social media attention hound who posts their minute-by-minute actions online (no matter how embarrassing) then I really wouldn't worry too much about the OBS making a public spectacle of the affair.

In fact, the OBS might feel more of an obligation to consider your feelings on the matter if you come forward and disclose the affair than if they found out on their own and then learned you knew but said nothing.

I’m certain in the short -term the OBS who confirmed my suspicions….wasn’t really happy about how I dealt with things. By the time he provided me with the proof that I KNEW in my gut was happening, but couldn’t pin down….I lost it. He asked me for a few hours to talk with his WS…but I just couldn’t wait. I’m sure things blew up earlier for him that he would have wanted. I think my FWH informed the OW while they were at a school birthday party for their child. It was up to them to keep their cool in that instance.

Though, I’m grateful that he blew open the whole thing. I don’t know how he kept his cool….or how anyone does as the BS. He turned me onto this website and you fine folks.

Looking back on things….I don’t care who knows at this point. I can only handle my own healing and leave others to their own devices.

If what you tell him is true, I don’t think it’s revenge. It’s revelation. However I recently heard about a friend’s story and she called the AP’s husband and told him about the ongoing A. He quickly kicked her out and started filing for divorce. AP came crying and told WH that her husband is divorcing her because my friend told the husband. WH was very angry that his new love was hurt by his wife and yelled many nasty words. Just want to let you know that one of the possible outcomes is this might bring them "closer" as he might see her as the "victim".

Just want to let you know that one of the possible outcomes is this might bring them "closer" as he might see her as the "victim".

So many have this FEAR. I can’t recall a single instance of where this fear came to pass and resulted in a worse life for the BS.

Don’t feed the OP this fear. It’s exceptionally unlikely.

WH was very angry that his new love was hurt by his wife and yelled many nasty words.

That happened to our son, too. It was rough on him for a while, but it might have accelerated the D process, and ending that M sooner rather than later was a Good Thing.

Healing from being betrayed goes better, IMO, if the BS doesn't let fear drive their behavior. Telling OBS is the best option.