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I’m having such a hard time accepting that my kids (ages 22 & 19) continue the same relationship with my WH/their dad after he has hurt me so badly. I feel like it’s a stab in the heart. He is manipulating and I don’t trust him. (After 27 yrs of marriage he has been having two yr affair with woman and has cheated with others). I am holding such contempt and trying to move past this but it’s so tough. I have been following my counselors advice to not bad mouth their dad and they don’t know all the details of his infidelity/the whole truth. I know I need to move past this but I am so mad at my WH. He is a liar and scum. How have you coped with these feelings? I’m looking for advice please

How much do they know? You don’t have to spill all the dirt or badmouth your WS for them to know enough.

Also, unless someone has been through infidelity they have NO IDEA how damaging it is. Pop culture makes it seem like no big deal. I admit it hit me way harder than I had imagined when friends’ experienced it. This means your kids, too. They will see the truth about him over time as they mature and grow.

I am sure it is really hard. But you can only control you — they will have to determine their own boundaries. I am so sorry that you are going through all this. One of the horrible effects of cheating….

It's really hard to deal with the unjustness of it all. You were the loyal one, the one there for your kids while he was out doing whatever he wanted. It feels like it's being done to you all over again when it seems like your kids put no blame on him, because it feels like they put no value on the kind of parent and wife you were.

The best way to get past it is to ask yourself what being so angry about this is accomplishing for you. You can't change what he did to you, and you can't control how your children deal with it. Your marriage is over so now the important thing is keeping the rest of your family intact, because you still have a family as long as your children are alive. Not hating him doesn't mean they don't love or need you. The way your children see this is that they are being expected to choose a side in a fight they never wanted and had nothing to do with. Harboring this resentment will not strengthen the relationship you have with them.

I had to reframe my thinking about this issue. I switched to focusing on wanting the best for my daughter, and fair or not, that was having a good relationship with both of her parents. Once I did that it was much easier to lose the anger. I didn't have to convince her he was bad, just that I was the best mom I could be. It was very freeing, because it's so much easier to build up my relationship with my daughter than it was to try and destroy her relationship with him, because you will never succeed at that. In reality our kids aren't required to make a choice. When we gave birth to them we knew we were creating a separate, unique human being with the freedom to choose their own path. We can give them wisdom in a positive way, but it's up to them what they choose to do with it.

And yes, you will be surprised as time goes on. They figure out a lot more than you think they do. And they share a lot more of how they feel when they no longer sense resentment.

Lotus6065 (original poster new member #86399) posted at 7:52 AM on Thursday, January 29th, 2026

I’m having such a hard time accepting that my kids (ages 22 & 19) continue the same relationship with my WH/their dad after he has hurt me so badly. I feel like it’s a stab in the hear

.

You are absolutely correct. It does feel like a stab in the heart. It's not fair but we are left with the mess they created and are expected to carry it with grace. What we feel and what is good for our kids are TWO very DIFFERENT things.

I struggled with this and still do. The rational part of your brain wants them to be as angry as you are. We want them to suffer the distain, and disappointment in their father that we feel. It's natural to feel this. We want them to distance themselves and call him out for the dirtbag he is, but most times they won't. They'll adapt and find their own coping mechanisms.

They are victims in this but they don't have the same "skin in the game" that you do. He's their father, so they have a vastly different perception and love for him. They may hate what he did, but they won't likely hate him. They will go on the best they can, which can feel like a second betrayal to you.

It makes it feel that they are choosing him knowing he's a douche canoe, and they are ok with it. Trust me they aren't ok with it, but they can't change their parents. They are taking the path of least resistance. The one that allows them to continue to love you both, even if they hate what he did. She's just part of the dysfuncational package they are now forced to be part of.

I really struggled with this in the beginning. It would send me into a rage, I would spiral as my mind tried to wrestle with feelings of being replaced. My anger had nothing to do with their coping mechanisms. I had to remember I'm not replaceable, no matter how much time they spend with him. They are loyal to me 100% but they need to be healthy in the process. They all know what their dad did, and it's damaged parts of them they are still carrying. They accept him for who he is. The fantasy is dead for them. It's a take it or leave it thought pattern.

My common law WS of 23.5 years suprised everyone with a marriage to a woman he knew 14 days. The divorce 1.5 years later, and his continued string of new contenders. They are now "going with the flow". They visit, exchange pleasantries, and aren't invested in "getting to know" the new woman. They accept her presence, but they don't get attached, or engage them beyond when in their dads company. None of them have lasted more than a year.

My daughter once told me that she expects nothing from her dad, and then she isn't disappointed. She comes to me 98% of the time for anything meaningful. Her dad is her dad, and she knows he's not going to be present, invested or a significant part of her life. His interaction is minimal. An occasional dinner, special occasion visit for a couple of hours, and a rare phone call every few months, unless she instigates it. This is her new reality and she's more ok with it than I ever was. Our other son his dad can go months and not contact and the other one reaches out and keeps in contact. Our kids will never treat their partners in life the way they saw their father treat me. They've seen the damage, lived it and have a perfect example of what not to do in life. None of them are on board with caring for their dad in old age, but all of them have stepped up and made it known they will make sure I'm taken care of.

Let it ride. Let it take it's own path. It helped me to not have them tell me anything about his life, or mention the other woman if possible. What I don't know, can't hurt me. They're doing a great job at limiting what they tell me so that makes it easier for me.

I'm still having to remind myself the other woman didn't get a prize. She got a liar, a cheat, an avoidant, narcissistic man with no ability to love, cherish or have a heathly relationship. It may be wrapped in fake success, validation or shallow "love" but nothing he ever has will genuinely bloom. He isn't willing to put in the effort to be that man. He will always choose the "easier" woman that doesn't challenge him or require him to change or process his "baggage".

Hang in there it will get easier. Limit info and refocus on things that make you happier. Each step is difficult but you'll get there.

Muggle, so well said and it’s so helpful to know others feel how I feel. I can relate to everything that all of you write. Thank you all for your support and advice ❤️

Lotus, I'm so glad you posted this. I'm struggling with very similar feelings to yours right now, and it's good to hear the wisdom of those who've walked this path already. I really needed to read this thread today. Thank you!

I don't have kids so take this for what it's worth - personally I would tell my kids everything you went through with their father. Not all the gritty emotional stuff but all the things he did. How many women he went through, the circumstances, and the effect on you. This is not to make him look bad - that he looks bad IS his own fault - but so that they can understand WHY you feel the way you do. And they can't understand that without knowing the whole story and how it affected you. Especially if Dad is a deceitful person and presents favorable and untrue images of himself. The other reason I would tell them the whole truth is because they should learn to protect themselves. As some point, aside from the break-up of the family, his behavior may affect them. If he lies to them about other things or they see that he's really not a good person, I would not want this to be a complete shock to them or maybe they lose money, etc. So forewarned is forearmed...."ya know, Dad is not the most honest guy".
This is what I would do, anyway, in the most matter of fact way possible, just so the young people have the full story. You deserve that, and I think they do too. The last thing I would personally worry about is preserving his image - whatever it is, is HIS fault.

... just noting that I changed the title of this thread, because I think you meant to type 'contempt', not 'content'.

Please PM me if you did mean 'content'.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:10 PM, Saturday, January 31st]

If one persons experience helps ONE single person on this thread it's worth it. We all arrive at our own pace. Some quickly and others are still waiting for the moment it "clicks" and we completely let go of all the pain.

I wish everyone could find their own version of acceptance for things we never deserved and all the healing possible. May each day bring us closer to our goal of collectively healing.

This truly is a path you must walk alone, but know we are all silently holding hands and walking side by side with you in spirit.

Sending positive thoughts for peace and healing.

Many of us have experienced similar things. It feels so unjust.

I cope by focusing on myself and taking exquisite care of myself. I am getting better at that. I try to focus on gratitude for the smallest things also because it helps me cope. I know that this may seem trite when there has been grave injustice. But it helped me survive.

No thanks for the memories, I’m glad we are here for each other. Keep going. We are going to be ok ❤️

Charity411 thanks for sharing. I like all of the words you wrote to me in your message. People have given me similar advice, but I find I need to keep hearing it over and over so I can really work on changing my way of thinking. So thank you for the help with that. Also, it’s helpful to hear that the kids realize more than we think. You also gave me something to ponder… The kids share more when there is no resentment. I should focus on that. sending you all the best.

Yes thank you for correcting my typo, Sisoon!
Bondjanebond- it’s really good to hear your perspective on this and this is one of the things I struggle with, giving my kids the full truth. As for now, because I have relied on my counselor strongly to support me through this… her advice is to be patient, the truth will come out. She said that the kids could end up resenting me for delivering the truth about their dad and it could impact me negatively. She has had a great deal of experience in this, so as of now I’m going to follow her advice. Despite the fact that it is really hard to suppress all of my feelings and keep the truth hidden. I am trusting that things will work out in my favor. I really do appreciate hearing your input.

Shehawk, yes I love what you wrote! Thank you so much

Lotus, feeling your struggle. I get the experiences to see this from two different perspectives.
My parents divorced when I was very young. (They have both passed on).Dad was having an affair with Mom's best friend It was awful. Dad was obvious about it and so was the best friend. Difficult to watch at all. I knew it was wrong - what was happening, it was hurting all of us (Mom and my siblings, the OW's BS and kids too). It broke my mom, she was never the same. She drank too much alcohol and had many relationships and marriages in the years that followed. I loved him too, but he wasn't worth what SHE put herself through. NOBODY is. It's not fair to be upset with your kids. They didn't have any choice in what has happened and they still love and need both parents - even if their family is all messed up. Kids aren't supposed to choose between them or pick sides. They know it's wrong - what he has done. They don't need anyone pointing it out to them or insulting him. They are your children. Just love them. I learned what not to do, and it's hard when feeling so betrayed. But, I want and need to be happy again and those negative feelings and behaviors aren't going to get me there. I've decided to save the negatives for when I meet with my IC.

Lotus, for what it's worth, I have not said anything bad about my stbx to our 16yo daughter, but I don't hide facts from her either. For a recent example, I told her I no longer want to socialize him since he started dating because it brings back bad associations from his 3 year love affair. Up until that point, she knew he had cheated but not for how long or the nature of the cheating. I stuck to the simple truth (no insults or adjectives about her dad or what kind of person he is), and she accepted it with grace.

Your kids are young adults. I think they can absorb facts about their dad. You don't have to sit them down and list out every terrible thing he has done to you, but neither do you have to keep it all in if it's causing you a lot of pain. My kid's therapist told me that if holding back certain information (facts, not feelings) was changing my relationship with her, then it's better that I'm open about those things. I need to make sure she doesn't feel like she has to choose between us, but I don't need to swallow all my pain either.

Everyone's situation is different, and you have to stay in control of your feelings, but I dislike hiding the truth from others, and sometimes a degree of disclosure is necessary for our kids to understand why we're behaving as we are.

Icantgetpastthis…this is a very insightful perspective and I can definitely see that side of it. There are so many emotions around this entire situation!

Nothanksforthememories…I like what your counselor said about holding feelings in and if it’s hurting my relationship with the kids then I need to express, but just the facts. So much good advice. Much appreciated

Lotus, trust me. They know exactly who he is. I guarantee they have discussed him among themselves. If they continue to see him it is NOT through rose colored glasses. My siblings and I found ourselves, as teenagers, wondering what was wrong in our family. We decided to leave things alone but we were never in the dark. Things worked out ok. We had to do a little shuffling around to stay outside any issues but we managed and are fine.