SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

I joined in hopes of healing through discussion and a way to get my feelings out there. My wife and I have been married for 20 years, together for 25. We have built a beautiful life together and she has been my rock all this time. When I transitioned out of the military I self destructed and struggled for years to find my purpose again. She stuck by me and lifted me up and kept me going. Now over the past few years my mental health has taken its toll on our marriage and with a lack of communication and intimacy we were headed for a divorce anyway. I was blind to that until the end of March when I walked in on her making out with her best friend that is a lesbian. This was done at our son's birthday party, anyone could have walked in on them.

This is all still fresh and I am getting professional help in dealing with the betrayal and the divorce. We can't talk without her lashing out at me about how unhappy she has been and she doesn't love me anymore. We have two boys, and the oldest knows about the affair and is understandably mad at her. She continues to see this woman, often not coming home from work or being home for dinner. Gives me more time with the kids I guess though. Anyways, I am putting my brief story out there just to get it out. Now I have to find a new way forward without her in it.

There are several actresses who did not recognize their interests until middle age. A couple of them kept getting in and out of marriages. If she is truly in love with the OW you need to accept reality. She has moved on.

This is for you. Do you have PTSD? I hope you are seeing a therapist trained in this. There are ways to soften the symptoms so I hope you are looking after your health.

Your mental issues sound as if your wife became totally exhausted from it. If she had to constantly be on high alert it can truly affect you because of the stress takes on the body.

She has said she does not love you any more. Believe her and work together to help your children as you process through separation.

And get help with anxiety and rage and fear. They are probably what you are feeling right now.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:23 AM, Thursday, April 16th]

Hi OhioBP,

I’m sorry that you are going through all of this, and I hope posting here can help you heal.

It seems you are taking all the blame for this upon yourself. I hope one of the first things you can learn is that it’s not your fault. There were a lot of other options available to her. There’s never only ONE person to blame for lack of communication. The lack of intimacy must also be at least partly her fault! Seeing as how she’s apparently into women now.

The way she is going about this is cruel. Cheating in front of you and others, not coming home - that’s just rubbing your face in it. There’s no call for that ever. You seem to be taking the high road, which is commendable.

Take care of yourself, not just with your mental health but physical health too. Work out, make sure to eat and stay hydrated.

And if she hasn’t initiated the divorce proceedings, you probably should. If she can’t even talk without lashing out at you, it’s just abuse and you need to take steps to get you (and your kids) out of that situation.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:05 AM, Thursday, April 16th]

Sorry you find yourself here. Take care of your mental health and continue with IC. Be there for your children. You are not to blame for her choices. You can’t control her and make her want to stay. Your best path is to continue working to improve and heal. You need to do a hard 180, to give yourself some mental space to get your bearings. Read in the healing library and pinned posts for some excellent info. Do not engage with her or argue. No idle chit chat. She is moving on. Always value yourself. Good luck.

I’m sorry you are struggling with infidelity as well as other life stressors.

It doesn’t matter how "bad" things were — military career, kids, etc. have no bearing on cheating.

Your wife chose to cheat. And continues to cheat as well.

Please do not accept any blame for her actions. She could have gone to therapy or done something other than cheat.

Please consider getting some advice from an attorney in case this leads to a Divorce. Her continued cheating is not a good sign for your marriage.

You deserve better.

Sexuality is complex…
I’m of the generation that opened up to homosexuality and lesbianism not being "diseases" that needed to be treated, but rather just normal sexual tendencies that should be accepted. I also thought that by age 13-15 nearly all would know what sexuality one had. Like… I knew I was heterosexual early on and have never had any interest or tendency in any other way. I used to think all others were that way – a gay person was gay, a straight person was straight.
We always have those that have for some reason hidden their sexuality. Seem to cope in society as "normal" people and can even go through life with a husband or wife, have kids and all that. Some might find outlets – one common theme here is the wife that discovers her husband has gay-sex on business trips, or like just recently they betrayed husband who was sort-of OK with his wife’s lesbian affair, but not the one with the 2-3 other men… - and some just repress their sexuality and live a seemingly happy life.

What I have had to change in my view on sexuality is that apparently it can change. Somehow a seemingly heterosexual person can develop same-sex tendencies (and possibly the other way too) over a lifetime. I don’t get it – but I don’t have to. I just have to accept that sexuality is more complex than I thought it was.

Doesn’t justify cheating… If your wife is realizing that she’s a lesbian and that’s the way she wants to go – or if she’s always been a lesbian but tried to get through life denying it – she had the option of terminating her marriage with you. She could have shared her feelings, and the two of you found some resolution. For her to go have sex or intimacy it’s not relevant if it was a man or woman. It’s cheating.

Being bi-sexual… not the issue. My wife is blonde, but I had some Burnette and red-headed girlfriends in the past. Big breasted, small breasted, tall, short… But on committing to my wife in marriage, I forsake all others… My wife is my partner and outlet for sexual needs and desires. Justifying an affair on the grounds that she’s bisexual would be like me explaining to my wife that the OW was a petite Burnette, and my wife isn’t so therefore it was sort-of-OK…

It does however impact the next steps…

Some things aren’t clear in your post. Is she still living with you? Has the divorce processed beyond the point of being talked about and actually being sought after? Is she openly in an affair with the OW? How does she identify herself sexually? Has she come out?

I think that’s the first bunch of questions you need clarified, and the key-one being: Is she a lesbian?

If she is… well… That’s it. If her sexual orientation is to other women and that’s where she want’s to go… short of a sex-change there isn’t much you can do. Trying to save the marriage or waiting for a switch back to heterosexualism… not really going to work.

In fact – if she insists she wants a divorce and is actively seeking it… Then don’t even try to save the marriage.

I doubt your wife’s unhappiness was caused by you. I doubt the marriage was really that bad. But if she has been suppressing her sexuality for all those years… that pent-up rage needs to vent and needs justification. In some ways it might be easier for her to lay it all on you for having "made" her act straight…

If you can – try this:
Tell your wife that if she want’s a divorce then that’s fine. Not what you envisioned to do in 2026 but you don’t want to keep her in a marriage she doesn’t want.
Tell her that if she wants to come out as lesbian, well… that’s fine too. Not something you saw coming but great for her to come to grasp with that.
Tell her that the marriage definitely had its ups and downs, but NEVER has EITHER of you been forced to be there. You both probably could have done better, but there isn’t really any benefit in going there. The bottom line is that IF she wants a divorce for whatever reason she gives herself then a divorce is inevitable.
Tell her the divorce will follow the laws and expectations of whatever state/country you are in, and that if both of you are realistic about expectations then that will minimize conflict.
There is no need for major anonymity. Being argumentative or rude won’t make this any easier, so maybe you two simply try to be as civil as possible until this is resolved, and then focus on being the best coparents you can for the kids.

Thank you all,

I am in counseling to deal with the trauma she has caused. We are getting a divorce, but deep down I want to make this work. But as you have said the fact she won't stop seeing this girl is a sign that it is over. Even if we were to try and work it out, I could never trust her again. Especially since she won't stop seeing this girl. She has had months to process the divorce, where I have had two weeks. I don't want my boys to have to move, but I am going to lose the house. I will get through it though, for the kids. And yes we are still living together. I am worried for her and being able to afford housing with the kids. Neither of us have family in this state, so we don't have anyone to fall back on.

[This message edited by OhioBP at 4:17 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

I am worried for her and being able to afford housing with the kids.

Friend – not your issue…
Please – Don’t see it as your role to create the least impacted situation for her and your kids. This will impact the family, there is no getting away from that. But that doesn’t mean that while she and your kids don’t feel the impact, you settle for a shared condo and sleep on the old camp-bed. Get a fair division of assets, a fair agreement on spousal support and a fair agreement on custody. Notice I emphasize FAIR.
Remember: Your kids’ needs today are not the same as they were last year, and won’t be the same next year.

I have a colleague that had his kids every two weeks. The weeks he is without, he works like a dog. Does all the hours, all the travelling and all that he can. On the weekend before they arrive, he cleans the house and preps for their arrival. The Monday they arrive he takes off work. For the next 2 weeks he works shorter hours and a lot from home. He says that since divorcing he spends MORE time with his kids because those two weeks he’s there until they go to school, is

Are you eligible for VA services? If so, are you using them? They are doing some state of the art stuff for PTSD.

I listened to and probably retold a number of jokes in which some less-than-man lost his W to a woman. Those jokes hurt on d-day. But I was in good emotional shape on d-day, and I found myself thinking almost immediately after my W confessed, that I was, in fact, man/manly enough. The problem was that my W wanted a woman, and I wasn't womanly enough. Also, I wasn't supposed to be woman enough. Concluding that I was manly enough was a great help in healing myself.

Have you told your w that you'd like to R? She might not realize that. She might be divorcing because she thinks your M is irredeemable. I don't see how R can work well if your W is gay, but if she's bi, she might be open to R, if she knows you want it. I know the odds are against it, but if you haven't told her what you want, doing so may help.

Especially in a case like this, you are not to blame for your W's A in any way. If your W is gay, you're just a bad fit for each other. If your W wants ow or if she's infatuated with ow, that's her choice, and it had nothing to do with you.

You're collateral damage related to your W's decision to change her life. That doesn't lessen the pain of being betrayed and losing your M, but it helps healing to take any pressure off yourself - and absolving yourself of blame is a good step in healing.

My W is bi, I guess, but that doesn't mean she wants to act out. If I died tomorrow, she might end up alone or with a man or with a woman. If W were to die, I might end up alone or with a woman. But right now we're married partners. We have both forsaken all others.

Have faith in yourself to heal. I know life might look pretty awful right now, but I urge you to have faith in yourself to survive and thrive.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:53 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

Yes I have been working with the VA and public IC since I got out of the service in 2018. I felt better this past year than I have since then, but I guess it wasn't enough for her. I have told her I want to try and work it out, and that we can rebuild after the affair but she is done. It is hard not to place any blame on myself for her A, but y'all's comments are reassuring that it is not my fault.

I found out today that she plans on taking our kids back home to NC with this OW, on our anniversary! I knew she was cold, but I don't deserve this. I am hiring a lawyer this week, as she has already retained one. I am terrified at the financial aspect of everything. I have been the majority income of our marriage since we have been together. With moving around in the military we agreed that she would stay at home with the kids. Over the past few years she has started substituting in the local school system. I have no idea how she plans on supporting herself on that kind of income, I guess alimony and child support. But then where does that leave me? I do realize her ability to make it work is not my concern, but I am worried for the kids. Due to my work schedule she will have them the majority of the time.

I do realize her ability to make it work is not my concern, but I am worried for the kids. Due to my work schedule she will have them the majority of the time.

You need to adjust as much as possible to get as close to 50/50 as possible. That is the default arrangement for a reason. For you and the kids sake. Keep in mind, she needs a job also so staying with the kids full time isn't an option for her either. Her decisions are doubling a number of bills (housing, electricity. etc) that your family will be paying going forward. There is a formula the state uses. Don't get roped into paying her more. She will likely have a partner helping to support her. You won't. You need legal advice as to what her imputed income should be since she is underemployed. I'd also be concerned that she is taking the kids out of state. If she keeps them there, that could change the venue for the divorce to your detriment.

What age are the kids?
Is she going to NC to visit or does she plan to stay?
Keep in mind that once either of you files there can be rules and expectations in place regarding removing children from your area.

Friend – I can just imagine how tough this is. However… the very basic start of divorce is that you are both entitled to the same. Same right to the family home, same right to the assets, same accountability for debt… and same right to custody. For you – or her – to get more of something requires either that the other gives way, or a convincing enough case is presented to a judge that they decide the division.
What pisses judges off more than anything, and what can make divorce expensive, is unreasonable demands. If D is inevitable then talk to your attorney, learn what you are entitled to and work from there.

You do not have to allow her to move to NC. You can fight that and show what it is in the best interest of the kids is for her to remain living where you are right now.

My friend had the same situation. Wife cheated. They D. She wanted to move to the opposite coast. He took her to court and won. She could not move w/ kids.

Sadly she tried everything to get back at him. Parental alienation— the whole nine yards.

Get an attorney on board and do what YOU think is best for the kids.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. But just know if she really is same sex oriented then it’s best you accept it and try to have the best co-parenting relationship as possible.