SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I am so happy I found this community.
​I am reaching out because I am completely drowning and desperately need to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar. This happened over a year ago, but the trauma and confusion are still so heavy.

​I was at home taking care of our little kids and working from home at the same time when my husband's betrayal hit me as the absolute breaking point. It started one night when he was out with colleagues. She approached him while he was ordering a drink, and his colleagues left while he stayed at the bar. She grabbed his phone and added herself—and that is how it all started.

​Shortly after, there was a day when he disappeared for hours and came home in a very bad state—even his clothes were inside out—yet bank statements later proved he had only consumed two beers. That bizarre, extreme reaction still doesn't make sense.

​From there, while we had been married for over 20 years, he started going out to see her during work hours, working from her place once or twice a week. Then he would come home, sit at the table, and eat the dinner I had prepared. I remember telling him that I couldn't believe he wasn't interacting with me, his wife, and that he must have someone else—that he was completely different from the day he disappeared—but he flat-out denied it every time. He was acting like a total robot, completely detached and not like himself.

​To give you an idea of how mind-boggling this is, I take care of myself, have a good body, and am considered attractive—making the contrast even more painful. Meanwhile, she and her grown-up daughters were and are on benefits, and she was old, scruffy, with rotten teeth (which, according to him, he avoided kissing with an open mouth) and an ordinary look. It still makes zero sense how he traded me and even wanted to leave us for a woman like that. He later claimed he never actually intended to move in with her and just "didn't know how to end it." I believe he loved the ego boost and attention at first, but things got wildly out of hand when she became demanding—even asking him to act out things like Fifty Shades of Grey, even though he didn't even find her attractive.

​What destroys me the most is the effort he gave her. He would willingly endure a grueling bus ride of over two hours just to be with her, and he obeyed literally everything she asked. Yet he would never put that kind of effort into our marriage.

​He had been keeping me "abroad" in his lies to justify his time with her (like claiming he had to take care of the kids), but eventually, he couldn't keep up the act anymore. When he finally told her I was coming back, she freaked out and demanded he move out because she didn't want him in the same house as me. (He had been telling her we were getting a divorce, which she didn't seem to care about). He tried to stall her, telling her he needed time and would move once the divorce was finalized, and secretly applied for divorce behind my back so he wouldn't look like the bad guy. But I found out about the cheating, and then discovered the secret divorce filing just one week later.

​When his fantasy collapsed, he suddenly decided we didn't need a divorce and claimed he ended it with her—though on the very day I discovered the truth, he actually ran to see her because she demanded it when she found out I knew. I truly believe he was terrified of her.

​In the end, he wanted to stay for our family, our kids, and me, but he has never shown true remorse or made an effort to make it up to me. We tried two therapists: the first saw no interest or regrets from him, and I ended the second because he still showed no effort. Yet, he insists on staying with us, telling me that it's been a long time, that I need to "get over it," and that if I keep complaining maybe we shouldn't be together. It makes me sick to hear.

​I know that if I just stop bringing it up and act like nothing happened, things would be "fine" on the surface, but it is so hard when I carry all this pain.

​We genuinely suspect he was chemically or psychologically manipulated. Those two beers made him act like he'd had ten, he needed ED tablets to perform (even though we never had intimacy issues), and he acted so strange. After it ended, he slowly went back to himself, but I don't know what to think. I struggle so much with my anger and trauma—could this be PTSD?

​Also, one of our therapists, myself, and even my husband himself once mentioned the possibility that he might be autistic. While I am no professional to diagnose him, I have noticed patterns over the years, and looking back, it makes me wonder if neurodivergence played a role in how easily he was vulnerable and trapped.

​Weeks after I found out, he told me: "Thank you for getting me out of this, I didn't even know why I got involved with that person." It seems she just used manipulation to trap him for a good life. Now, he keeps telling me that a long time has passed and that I should just get over it. Because of this, he is cold, distant—worse than he was during the affair. And before the affair, he was never a person who showed much communication, affection, or thoughtfulness, but I had learned to accept how he was without demanding it from him.

​I don't know what to do anymore. Has anyone else dealt with a spouse acting completely hypnotized, facing this kind of bizarre affair, or trying to heal when the straying partner refuses to put in the work? How do I survive this and find a way forward?
Thank you in advance for any support or advice.

(Sorry for the long post)

Pat,

I hope I’m wrong but I doubt anyone’s going to be able to come forward with a similar story. And I think the reason for that is that it’s bullshit.

He wasn’t drugged or hypnotized. I’m not an expert on hypnosis, but…give me a fucking break. That’s not what happened.

He had a limerant affair. There’s a whole thread that’s been active since 2015 called "Honey, they always affair down" https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/
He had an affair with a disgusting woman. He’s the latest in a line of millions.

I think your WH is full of crap. He’s spinning one of the dumbest excuses for an affair that I have heard since that guy blamed his mom.

I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, but the simple truth is that you have a remorseless cheater for a husband who’s trying for force you to choke down a nonsense excuse for cheating. I mean sure, maybe she’s a witch who can hypnotize men into infidelity. Or maybe there’s some infidelity drug that has heretofore never been revealed. But I doubt it. I think your WH is just a garden-variety cheater.

If he isn’t going to put in the work to repair your marriage then your options are pretty limited. I know my post here was uncompromising but you are really really hurt right now, and you’re seeking solace in the wrong places. Nothing mystical happened here. I wish I had better news for you.

Please don’t stay in a marriage like that. You deserve so much better. Show him that you’re heading to the exits, and maybe he will figure out that being an asshole and lying are not the way for him to stay married to you.

If he was always non communicative then he can’t be different with this. And yes, even though this has hurt you so much. Perhaps he and you both have never faced something like this before and don’t have the tools to get to the bottom of it? I don’t mean to be presumptuous, just trying to glean from your post.

There are a few books which you can ask him to read to help him understand your perspective. Shirley Glass, "Not Just Friends" is very much about how a spouse is affected by their partners’ inappropriate behavior outside a marriage. It’s a good book, short and to the point, and outlines very obvious things which even an emotionally disconnected person should grasp. Maybe this reading can create a path for empathy for him.

Many wayward spouses really want so much for their extra marital escapade to be over and done with, because it suits them. They don’t comprehend the damage they have done to their spouse, or don’t want to face themselves for doing it. Either way, it’s rug sweeping, you know, when you sweep the dust under the rug so the dirt is hidden but you know it’s still there. It doesn’t work.

Hypnosis has been used to compel people to do something they otherwise wouldn’t, IF IT IS FRAMED IN A WAY WHICH MAKES THEM BELIEVE THEY ARE DOING THE MORALLY RIGHT THING. In other words, you can’t command a person in hypnosis to do something they wouldn’t according to their ethics and standards, they absolutely won’t. But if you can convince them this act is consistent with their standards, they will do it. Utterly frightening but true.

How could she achieved this? Many ways. For example presenting herself as a victim, he the savior. Do you think he is vulnerable to the savior complex? Did she ever threaten her demise if he didn’t follow through in helping her? Do they have emails you can check to see what their communication was like, what the dynamic was like? Why did he feel he was beholden to her and risked everything in his life for this? What kind of void did she fill? Does he recall details of their meetings or is it a blur for him? Does he have memory lapses?

There is an attorney in the US, Michael Fine, who hypnotized his clients, all vulnerable women in the midst of divorce, and compelled them to have sex with him in his office. He is still in jail, convicted for kidnapping because he hijacked their minds. It’s a groundbreaking case but hypnosis is so hard to prove many are not caught. In this case one of his victims wore a camera during an office session and he was recorded hypnotizing her. The police were watching and arrested him. Countless women came forward after. He is an utter monster.

Sometimes cheating is so inexplicable, we look everywhere for an explanation. You need to trust your instincts that something is wrong, whether hypnosis or another vulnerability. Your husband needs to address this with you for a good marriage future. But be prepared, if he was covertly coerced by this woman, then there will be the trauma of violation for him to face too.

Letmebefrank,

While you may be completely right in your assessment in what's happening with Pat and her husband, there is in fact a hypnosis drug many people know about and are terrified of:

"Devil's Breath," or scopolamine. Really devastating in it's ability to erase free will.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and share your perspectives. I definitely want to clarify that when I used the word "hypnotized" in quotes, I didn't literally mean a stage show or literal hypnosis! I meant it metaphorically to describe how completely out-of-character, robot-like, and blindly compliant he acted—like a completely different person compared to who he normally is.
​He actually didn't remember much of his time with her overall. Because he is hearing impaired, he can usually struggle with or avoid noisy places, yet he somehow stayed there for hours. Across the affair, his memory of it is a blur—he doesn't really remember much of what happened, only physical sensations like her stroking his arms and giving him care, which makes it feel all the more like he was acting against his own will.

​What makes it even stranger is her background. She had just traveled back to her home country before they met—where certain substances or 'Devil's Breath'-type drugs are known to be used—and she is into witchcraft. Looking back, he was shocked when she told him she had checked where he lived because she didn't want another wife chasing her.(as he had given her a fake address). He missed all these massive red flags at the time—like how he got really bad after just two beers, which is when she lured him to her house with the excuse of getting something to eat. Once there, she tried to take advantage of him, but he couldn't perform because he was extremely passed out.
​What has thrown me so much is the extreme contrast: how someone who is normally so detached and uncommunicative could suddenly endure a grueling two-hour bus ride, obey every single command of someone he didn't even find attractive, and risk his entire 20-year marriage and family for it.
​When I first found out, he was very cooperative. But after a few weeks, he got 'tired' of me asking how he could risk everything for someone like that (or anyone at all), and why he gave her so much attention when he's never given that to me. He admitted he loved the ego boost, but now he just wants to sweep it under the rug, acting cold and distant and telling me to get over it because time has passed.
​It’s just so hard to reconcile the man who claims he was trapped and didn't even understand why he was with her, with the man who now refuses to do the work to help me heal. I really appreciate the book recommendation (Not Just Friends) and the validation about how hard it is when a wayward spouse refuses to face the damage they’ve caused.

Hi, I was in a sort of similar position to you. I’d describe myself the same way you did, always worked, perfect mum, wife, ate well, went the gym, generally looked nice. The person my husband had the affair with is the same "style" as yours. She’s a lot older, drinks and takes drugs. Had a lot of "dodgey" plastic surgery and dresses like a sex worker. Also I’ve only ever been with my husband, she is known to have split up at least five families the same way mine was. She’s also slept with over 50 people in our area.
My husband acted completely out of character too. He was robot like. Emotionless. Said things he would never say. Everyone around him noticed. So badly I had a secret worry he would do something to himself. I thought he was having some kind of episode.
I have toyed with the idea of witch craft stuff but ultimately I know am just desperate to find a logical excuse for why he would chance me for THAT. I now just believe he was manipulated, am never gonna believe otherwise. But ultimately he should have never let someone in to our relationship in the first place. He disclosed things about me from his own point - she never wants to go out, or she doesn’t initiate sex. Which was then turned into - she can’t love you, she should want all of these things herself. But no one ever considered I was exhausted from looking after two kids alone. There was loads of other things that came about. I just wish he had seen right through her from the beginning instead of being flattered by her attention. Sorry your going through this x

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Positivethoughts. It means more than you know to hear from someone who truly understands how disorienting and painful this exact dynamic is.
​It is chilling to hear how similar our situations are—especially the part about them acting robot-like and completely out of character. Like you, I think a huge part of my search for answers comes from that agonizing desperation to find a logical reason for why they would risk everything for that contrast. You hit the nail on the head when you said that ultimately, they should never have let someone in or fallen for the flattery in the first place.
​It is also so painful what you mentioned about them disclosing private things about us to justify it, completely ignoring our reality (like being exhausted from holding everything down at home with the kids).
​Thank you again for the empathy and for making me feel a little less alone in this nightmare. Wishing you healing on your journey too 🩷

I'm neurodivergent, have had opportunities to cheat on my wife, while damn near blind drunk, and didn't do it. Autism doesn't make people susceptible to cheating, but it can make it difficult for someone to pick up on social queues, facial expressions, and body language. Intense special interests, sameness rigidity, stimming behaviors, tactile aversions, and some other quirks or behaviors, but no special susceptibility to affairs that I'm aware of.

Betrayal trauma can take 2 to 5 years to recover from and reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. For him to expect you to be over it by now isn't even realistic.

I don't know exactly what's going on with your husband but right now he isn't reconciliation material, imo. He needs to own what he did, answer all of your questions, even if they're the same ones for the hundredth time, and be willing to do anything it takes to save your marriage.

You're absolutely right to not want to rug sweep this. It will just fester and come back even worse down the road.

It took me calling divorce lawyers and setting up consultations right in front of my wife to snap her out of her fog, but that was only a month after d day for me. She's been rock solid ever since and that was over 15 months ago.

Your husband needs to start showing up, own his crap, and start showing you some real remorse or I fear you don't have much to work with. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I'd hate to see you suffer another year, or multiple years in this limbo. You deserve better. I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but this is a good group of folks who know and understand what you're going through.

Hang in there and stay strong. Stick to your guns and don't accept any blame or him telling you you should be over it. That's not true. Not by a longshot.

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:11 PM, Monday, August 24th]