I could magic myself back in time to before you met OW and ask if you would ever commit infidelity, past you would probably be extremely certain that you wouldn't.
I would agree. But, back then, I'd have told you that I'm not a cad & that's how I know I won't ever commit infidelity. If you had interviewed me when I first met my OW, I'd have said the same thing. I'd have added: And she lives an ocean away from me, so there's no risk at all!
Today, I am also saying: I would never commit another infidelity with my OW. But that's where the similarities end. The reasoning is totally different today. There will be boundaries... safeguards... transparency (i.e. monitoring). In addition, I am conceding that I am every bit as much as a philandering scoundrel as anyone else on planet earth--so I actively need to police my behavior. Importantly, there are two goals of that policing: (1) Protect the M (the obvious goal); (2) Protect the friendship (because a meaningful violation here would--I grant--cancel the relationship for life). So... even if one thinks I am lying about my dedication to my M (and why would I be when I am enduring the agony of NC for months ad nauseum), WTF would I let myself slip up when an error would kill the friendship? Now... there is a potential exception for some WSs: to get one more roll in the hay with the AP. That rationale doesn't apply for me--but not because I'm "too good of a soul for that." It doesn't apply because my OW lives in Poland, I live in the US, and neither of us really travels!
This is why we recommend approaching infidelity recovery with patience and humility, and do the deep Work to fix what inside you made infidelity a possibility at all.
Humility and patience are important tools. Got it. Check. How do I connect any of the Deep Work disclosures of my recent prior posts to the goal of decreasing infidelity recidivism risk?
So: Explore likes and dislikes -----> ChatGPT ------> Self-love.
Is that pretty much "it"?
Your wife didn't ask or want to be betrayed. YOU did the betraying.
Agreed. 
Losing OW is not a mean thing she is doing to you, it is a consequence of your actions.
It is one possible consequence, but not the only possible and effective way of making amends.
You think if she could just choose not to feel hurt by this and threatened by OW, that she wouldn't??
Nobody is saying there's a simple switch she just needs to throw to move past the wound. However, candidly, no BS is looking for alternative ways of solving this problem by different means because every BS is told that "permanent disposition of the AP is the cure for what ails you." And yes, I do believe there are alternative ways for the wound to be healed.
YOU put the two of you in this position, not her. Therefore it's on you to rebuild trust, accommodate her feelings, and prioritize her emotional safety, not the other way around.
I think we just have to agree to disagree on this point, whatever it means you think of me. Again, I believe my W shares a tiny bit of culpability for the infidelity, while I bear the lion's share of it. I also believe that spouses need to help each other through all marriage and immediate family problems--even infidelity.
If you said, "I need some time for myself; either the kids can do one less extracurricular, or we can hire someone to take them," I certainly wouldn't condemn you for it
I have been screaming that from the rooftops (figuratively and without really yelling) at literally every MC session for many months now. My W adamantly refuses change--and my kids want to keep doing their extracurriculars. So I consistently get out-voted.
You can structure your life however you want, long as your kids are cared for and the bills are paid. If you wanted to work less, you could find a way.
...
You could chit chat with the other parents for the extracurriculars you do go to.
Mostly, it's my W who takes the kids because she works only part-time (1 week of work, 3 weeks off, repeat), while I am full time. Two years ago, I asked to drop down at work to 91% Full-Time Equivalents to have more time at home. I was refused that request. This year, it was granted. But I am absolutely drowning over thinking so much about my W and or marriage problems and my OW.... It has consumed all of the extra time and then some! Could I work any less still? Maybe, but once I drop below 91% FTE, I get counted as "Part Time" and that restructures how much everything costs that's paid for mostly outta my salary: health and vision and dental insurance... Plus, we might hafta pull our kids outta Catholic schools and place them in public school and cancel tutoring for them. We don't want that, either.
I know everyone thinks doctors make a ton of money. And some do, admittedly. But you'd likely be surprised how little academic pediatric subspeciality physicians get paid. Working 15-16 hour days x 7 days per week, including some nights and weekends and holidays, I make much closer to $200k than $300k per year. And then... with the crazy long work hours, we have absurdly high living expenses. A laundry service. A maid service. A nanny (because our work hours are too long to accommodate a day care). Take-out meals. A lawncare service. A pest control service. I "get it" that lots of folks have to "make do" without such "privileges". What people don't understand is that what we're trying to buy with those services is time. And time is ultra expensive to buy.
If you did squeeze in a couple's activity and it didn't result in any friends, you could quit that one and try a new one.
True. And that may well be how we will eventually make acquaintances. But even for that shallow depth bond to form will likely take years! (My W is even more socially shy than me; she's misanthropic and makes me look like an extrovert!) Frankly, I don't give a rat's a-- about gaining the "privilege" of cocktail party chatter / banter with people I hardly know. What I need for thriving is 1-2 deep friendships.
I never made any friends slogging through hours of unenjoyable interactions in which I'm having to mask the whole time... I shudder just thinking about all that inane small talk!!
Love that thought. Completely identify!
You said you make time for playing video games and you met OW that way, you could meet more people there as well
True. And there may be further opportunities there in the future. Although my W has steadfastly refused multiple invites from me to join me in the game I play. Currently, my main account is stranded in a French Alliance because they were willing to let me park it there during a year largely off from gaming so I could focus more on family. (No, I don't really speak much French at all.) My OW and most of my old game acquaintances moved their accounts to the same group in a new server in the same game.
The light acquaintanceships I still have online are a delightful, but eclectic, bunch. I'm still Discord-acquaintances with a lesbian-identifying transwoman, a property manager for an apartment complex in New Jersey, two other physicians (a man and a woman), a guy who has a criminal record and claims to sell large amounts of recreational drugs in real life, and a nude model who lives in the UK and bounces in and out of psych hospitals. My W thinks my mix is hilarious because I am so plain vanilla in real life! (Yes, my W knows about the nude model. No, I have not gotten or sought photos of her. No, I do not condone recreational drug use. Nor have I ever used drugs recreationally. Nor--for that matter--do I smoke. And, yes, I drink alcohol, but so lightly that I have literally never once been more than minimally buzzed.) But none of us speak much anymore because I don't play the game with them any more.
Just letting you know, I no longer keep friends that believe infidelity is ever okay. Just part of my New Rules for Staying Safe Post-Infidelity. But this community and I will be here for you regardless.
Suit yourself. I am also hugely averse to small talk, but there's a difference between "meaningful talk" versus fessing to my W's CSA and our sexual problems. Having blabbed about the latter here, I don't think I could ever unmask to any of the SI community knowingly. But, I do feel a loose kinship of sorts with you here. I hope it's OK that I acknowledge that? It's not every day that I meet someone with AuDHD.
Fun fact: elderly people smell like that because of a chemical compound called 2-nonenal
Yes, I saw that article online too.
I'm hopeful for the new meds.
Good luck with them!
You will not die involuntarily, specifically as a direct result of not aiding OW... How's that?
Concur.
I'll pray that your rediscovery is swift and successful, or if it isn't, that God gives you the strength and patience to await that rediscovery.
Thanks!
[This message edited by Unconventional at 9:02 AM, Friday, October 23rd]
