The truth about “Healing”
Now that it’s safe, I’m going to tell you the truth about Hallmack’s healing. I know there’s some Reddit hoppers that would love to continue to carry on about “how I was never R material and they just always knew” or say my posts are a lie. Reality is that I have been honest, open, and transparent for quite some time. And when I came here with posts shining about the progress we were making, it’s because that’s what I was made to believe. I didn’t just think I was doing the right shit. We weren’t fighting. We were working through issues and having hard conversations peacefully. I thought we could make it because that’s what it seemed was happening. We were functioning as a family. He was being present which I appreciated and loved.
Reality is, Hallmack has done little to nothing to help himself. He went to IC for a bit because he was forced to. He quit as soon as he could. He self medicates with weed and spends his days pain shopping. He tried EDMR a bit and decided it wasn’t for him. Never sought out further PTSD support. He has been a ticking bomb and while some of you will say I deserve whatever he had to dish out, I didn’t. Nor did our children. He has snapped on more than one occasion, but I certainly don’t see any ownership of that. Some people in here were encouraging and egging on his anger with 0 consideration for the safety of our family. Be angry, he has every right to be angry. He did not have the right to threaten my life and put his hands on me. (Fake DV charges, that’s a joke. And now it’s my fault that he couldn’t keep his hands to himself.) You can say I should have left. Yep. I could have. But he had our kids and was acting completely abnormal. He wouldn’t let me take them to my late grandmother’s house and take time to cool off. Do I think he would have hurt them? No. But I also didn’t think he would hurt me in a million years. No one is going to leave their kids alone with someone acting the way he was. Truth is, we were fighting all day. And yeah, I was still badly in the fog. But I came home. I left him alone. Went into my son’s room. Didn’t say a word to him. He came into my son’s room. Started asking vulgar affair questions and making vulgar affair statements to our autistic son. When I wouldn’t leave, he put his hands on me. When I tried to call his mom for help to get him to calm down, he held me down on the bed while our son was screaming “don’t kill my mom.” I bit him as he had me pinned down to the bed. He was so mad he “doesn’t remember” a lot of that night. But I’ll never forget it. Even as I left, he opened up our baby’s piss diaper and rubbed it in my face. Anyone who says I deserved that, you’re part of the problem.
I did nothing right at the start of this and I own it 100%. I also own that it took me a long time to finally do what was right and helpful for him. He did eventually get everything he wanted and more. He got my full honesty. It just didn’t matter because he had created his own narrative. (That’s my fault. I own that fully.) Including things that people here were adamant happened but didn’t actually happen. To say I wasn’t trying is a complete joke. It may not have been enough compared to the damage, but I have been trying hard for a long time. Reality is, he has become a monster. And while this might be par for PTSD, it’s not deserved. I’ve walked on eggshells for a long time, trying not to anger him. But nothing I do is right. I do exactly what he says, I’m wrong. I change what I do because he said what I did is wrong, he’s mad again. He’s telling me what he needs from me and then when I do it, he says he changed his mind and I fucked up again. He won’t tell you how many times he spent hours screaming at me. Getting in my face and screaming “whore” at the top of his lungs. Losing his shit and breaking things. Whenever he gets loud, even if it’s just him being funny, our 3 year old sits by me and says to him, “Don’t yell at my mom.” Our autistic son still brings up the fact that he found some of his toys broken downstairs as a result of a fit. He will act and react in terrible ways. Tell me it’s my fault and I deserve it. Then apologize hours later. Bet he didn’t mention any of that.
I thought we were doing ok. Then he was cold for a solid 2 weeks. So yeah, I did finally pressure him to make a choice. He reached out to my AP again and found more pain. (My AP is a sick fuck. He wants to hurt people. He was never going to be like, “Hey, man. I’m sorry.”) You can say I’m lying, but I’m not. Whatever my AP sent was a complete surprise to me. I don’t remember it. Not even a little. I have replayed the affair over and over and I can’t even remember when this could have happened. And that’s scary to me. Because what else don’t I remember. After that he chose divorce. Yep, I had a very dark few days. I was text bombing him. I wanted to die. He let me think I was doing things right only to tear it away. When I told him I had appreciated his presence with our family, he told me, “It was nothing more than the pick-me dance. I hated every moment.” He went off on me about how he gave up his “career” (You know, the job he hated that had no retirement, time off, or benefits. The career that forced him back to work the day after I came home with our son, forcing a PPD riddled, first time mom to fend for herself all day long worth no help or support.) He referred to our son as “YOUR baby that YOU wanted.” Mind you, our son can hear and isn’t stupid. Yes. I have had several days of texting him nonstop. Reason, I told him I wouldn’t quit and is fight to the end. Accepting this, to me, is quitting again. And even though he’s not the same person, I feel I owe it to show I don’t want this. Even as he’s telling me his goal is to move out and immediately find someone to fuck (his words), I’m still trying to fight for our family. He had access to literally everything on my phone, including my account here. He still thinks that I am talking to my AP and just hiding it. I will never know what my AP said to him in their last correspondence and I don’t particularly care. But I have not spoken to that animal in close to two years. At this point I really don’t care if he believes me.
He is trapped here. At the start, he calmly said if his presence was hindering my healing, he’d go to his mom’s Once he realized that his credit is garbage, living alone is expensive, and people don’t want to rent to someone with a record, he tune changed to “I’ll leave when I am ready to” and “You’re not going to tell me what to do anymore.” Mind you, this is my inherited home. Not marital property. I can’t speak in my own home. I have to hide in my own home. I have to do therapy in my car because he isn’t safe to be around. I am in a constant state of panic in my own home. His inability to care for himself has become my problem. I busted my ass for the job I have and where I am today. Me. Myself. I worked and paid for it. I made choices that allowed me to have independence. But now it’s somehow my fault that he needs a co-signer. It’s my fault that he works jobs that don’t take care of him. He’s not trapped here because of me. (And take the misdemeanor charge out of it. I won’t own your poor financial choices from before I knew you.)
Last night was the icing on the cake. He’s still sleeping with me. And I’m stupid enough to let him. We got high together. (If you can’t beat them, join them.) He’s made it clear that it’s just sex. No feelings involved. And sure, why not let myself be used and hurt. Last night he gave me a complete mind fuck. Wanted me to beg him for sex. I played along. He was saying he wanted to feel desired. We were outside, higher than a kite. I kept begging him for sex because I did want him to feel desired sexually. He kept laughing and saying no. Telling me he hadn’t made up his mind. I finally broke down. Was this genuinely him wanting to feel desired? Was it a test? What did he want. I started to cry and he goes “Yeah. We’re not having sex. You’re upset.” I lost it. I wasn’t doing anything except feeding into his sick game. I went inside and sobbed alone in my bed. What did I do wrong now? He was punishing me for him messing with me. After awhile he came in and apologized. Told me that he knew he had become a monster and this is why we needed to divorce. Because he wasn’t capable of being decent anymore. Things got calm and stupid me still had sex with him. While he was having sex with me, he’s telling me how “He needs to fuck someone else.” (His new favorite game is to ask me about when he leaves, how fast will I drive over to have sex with him.) He’s telling me I’m still going to come over and do him even after he fucks other women. He’s telling me I’m going to be his ex wife that still sucks his dick. Mind you, this is while he’s having sex with me.
I left him alone all day. He messaged me a few times because he wanted me to go get him weed. (It’s legally obtained.) Was making it dramatic because I told him I’d go when he got home, he needed to give me cash. (I don’t feel comfortable touching anything of his. Over the last few weeks, he is misplacing his things, accusing me of hiding them, then finding them on his own. In places HE put them.) That was it. Didn’t bother him further. As my work day ended, I felt a panic attack start. I have been adamant that there’s no rush to be out as long as he can be civil. But the night before had my mind completely messed up. I finally texted him. I was dreading coming home. I wanted to discuss needing to stop being cruel. That conversation was a complete bust. Of course, I was “bothering” him again when he needs me to stop. He was completely irrational while claiming he was calm. I was referred to as “his thing to use”. Told I deserved to be abused. When I tried to address his cruel game from the previous night, he told me “I only apologized because I still wanted sex lol.” (Oddly enough, that’s the kind of shit my AP would do when he was mad at me. Make a comment that was rude and follow it up with lol. Hallmack didn’t know that, but he is literally doing things my AP did.) Told me “you’ll be sucking my cock again real soon.” “I’m tired of pretending like I don’t hate you.” I was terrified for him to come home. Thankfully my MIL was getting our older sons. She was there. I chose to leave with the baby to give him space. Idk if he would have allowed me to leave or let me take the baby if she hadn’t been there. A few hours later, he texts me a very calm text. Telling me he won’t bother me, he’s sorry I don’t feel comfy in my home, that he’s trying to get out, that I need to be patient and text less because he can’t take it.
He thinks I hated him. That I always hated him. I didn’t. Not even during the affair. I am a fucked up person that looked for emotional gratification in fucked up ways. It was wrong and he didn’t deserve to be cheated on. But now. Now I do hate him. He is a sick person. “Your monster” is what he refers to himself as. I will own what I did and the damage I did. I will not own his refusal to heal and get help. I hate him for going above and beyond to try and harm me. I hate him for the emotional games he is playing. I hate him for not doing this right after d-day.
He thinks I never loved him. I loved him the best way I knew how. Looking back, it wasn’t healthy love. He married me, knowing I wanted kids and he didn’t. I won’t lie. He did try to make me happy. There was no making someone like me happy and nor was it his responsibility. Yeah, he gave me the children I wanted. And he spent years resenting me for it. (I didn’t want cruises and diamonds and vacations. I wanted a family with two parents that wanted them more than anything.) He was never a bad dad. He does love them and care for them. I just wish it could have been done without the resentment. Without reminding me “this is what YOU wanted” when things got tough. I never knew I had PPD. He didn’t call me out about it until after d-day. He admitted that he purposely didn’t help with our 2nd child (terrible sleeper) because he wanted to show me that I got what I demanded. So you knew I was mentally deteriorating and just let me suffer? When I look back to when the affair started, I can pinpoint two traumatic events. First, I found out the grandma that raised me was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was also fresh out of having a baby and dealing with PPD I didn’t recognize I had. (Our HB baby I knew I had PPD and I immediately got on meds. It made a difference. Even as my life was falling apart and my grandma was actively dying.) These aren’t excuses. But it makes sense as to why I completely snapped. He claims he loved me and I meant everything him and that’s why this betrayal is the worst. Because I was his forever and would never hurt him like that. I believe him, I just wish he had told me these things. I never believed he loved me but I sure as hell believed he resented me. Yes, he did a lot of things right. I will give him credit for that.
I should have done the right thing and divorced him years ago. I should have divorced him when he resented me for wanting kids. I should have divorced him when he fought me tooth and nail about wanting to get our son evaluated for autism because I was just “too sensitive.” I should have divorced him when I realized we could never be good to one another. I wasn’t a good wife. I own that. There was no making me happy. I lashed out towards him. (I smacked him in the back of the head once and on another occasion knocked hot food out of his hands during a fight. I’m abusive too.) I should have divorced him instead of cheating. I chose to hurt him completely and nothing I say changes that. Nothing he did or didn’t do deserved the extent of betrayal I put him through.
I own that I have been a garbage wife. I own that we have been terrible to one another even before this. I have seen myself as the monster. And I did commit to change. Maybe it was too little too late. Maybe the damage was too severe. But I did try. And I tried out of love. I did recognize my idea of love wasn’t normal or healthy over the years and I wanted to show him I was capable of loving and appreciating him the way he is. I have. Truly. When he was fighting to stay in control, I thanked him. I thanked him for calmly having tough conversations. I thanked him for being here and trying. To say I didn’t put any effort in is wrong. I own that I started doing everything wrong after d-day. It didn’t stay that way. For the first time in my life with him I loved and appreciated him for who he is. Even completely broken and angry I still wanted him and wanted to fight to be with him. Sad part, I likely would have put up with this for the rest of my life because I felt I owe it to him. Because I have convinced myself that I deserve to be tormented and emotionally abused as a result of what I did to abuse him.
There is nothing left to save and there’s no way for me to help him anymore. He is going to have to figure it out and I hope he does. The children need a healthy father and I know if he cannot get it together any relationship he has moving forward is also going to be hindered by this pain. To those of you, both BS and WS alike, that have offered genuine support and kind words since D-day, thank you. Even if you didn’t always get a response your words did not go unnoticed or unheard. To those of you that have done nothing more than hop between here and Reddit, sent messages encouraging violence and hate, told him that I deserved everything he’s done, and convinced him of narratives that never happened, shame on you. Again, I know there are WS and BS that contributed. This man was laying on the floor with shattered legs and instead of offering to help him up you stood on his legs while claiming you cared about his well-being. Caring about his well-being would have been encouraging him to get help. It would have been encouraging him to not react in violent ways. Instead he got flooded with a bunch of people telling him “I told you so”and “she was never worthy of reconciliation.” Not sure how you thought that would help him. You have your own personal agenda of pain as a result of betrayal. What you did not take into consideration is that while you wanted me to suffer you ended up hurting three innocent children by encouraging the things that you encouraged. I’m sure what I say has no meaning to the ones that participated in this because you are clearly people that thrive off of the drama and suffering of others. Hurt people hurt people. He got his revenge on me at the expense of our children watching us suffer.
I am not a victim to my decision to cheat. My husband is the victim to that. But to say that I deserve to suffer the rest of my life is wrong. To say that I am incapable of change is wrong. I tried and I failed to save my marriage. Now it’s time to heal from this completely. There are several people that know the full extent of what I did. Literally everything. Those people have still chosen to support my healing as a human being. They still support his healing. I worry for my husband. I worry because I know he doesn’t have the support that I have. I tried to be that support but I know it meant nothing coming from me. I hope with everything in me that he’s right. That being away from me will be the solution to all of his pain and triggers. And if he’s wrong I hope he gets help. He doesn’t deserve to suffer either.
And to those that will, without a doubt, run to him and message him and continuously tell him that you were right about me and I deserved all this and more, and you just “care about his well being”. I hope you know you are only hurting him now. That’s the beauty of accepting divorce. Again, if you actually care and want his suffering to stop, you’ll let it go. Being “right” does nothing to benefit you but it does everything to hurt him.
I tried. I failed. Time to heal.
Edited to add: He’s not a wife beater. He’s never given me a black eye or a busted lip. And until this, he was never violent. But to say he didn’t touch me isn’t true.
[This message edited by Iamtrash at 8:50 AM, April 2nd (Friday)] [This message edited by Iamtrash at 2:50 PM, Friday, April 2nd]