SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi

i married my wife 1 month ago. Prior to that we were dating for about 4 years.

In the beginning of this yeah she started talking a lot about a coworker and was writing with him a lot. I immediately felt like something was wrong. But she assured me " he is just a good friend". That went on and on and it came up often. She was writing a lot with him and i felt something is wrong. I asked her to tell me the truth and she said the same thing.

Then the nearer our wedding came she reduced the contact for me and i was happy. We got married at the registry office on 04. August and on 06. AUgust we had like a weeding party with a little ceremony.

On the evening of 4th August i saw that she wrote him "good night" and three kiss smileys. After we had sex on our wedding day, she wrote him this. We talked about it, and she assured me there is nothing. Then came the big party. Her coworker came and didn't say a word to me. I was instantly sad. I cried because he was there. But i caved and said "its one of her best friends" i will endure it because i love her. He then went out during the ceremony. I later learned because he couldn't see her with another man.

After the wedding we were fine. But then i got this weird feeling again. She told me stories that didn't add up. And i got suspicious. We talked about it and she said she loves me and is ready to work on this relationship. On tuesday she then came to me and said she wanted sex. And then we had very intimate nice sex. When she went to clean up, i looked at her phone and saw it. Before having sex with me she wrote him "i am so in love with you. I miss you so much. i love you to the moon and back." (the german doesn't really translate). I was shocked, i confrtonted her and she told me she is in love with him.

Then i learned five days after our weeding he told her he loved her and she feels the same. The had a intimate kiss. From that point on she was having this "affair" on whatsapp and she saw him at work, where the exchanged a few kisses. THey never had sex, but i am not sure she is telling the truth. He is married for 10 years (married at 19) and has a 4 month old baby. She is also pregnant with my child. And he says he isn't comfortable to have sex and betray his child and wife. BUt writing and kissing seems ok.

Now she is at point where she cant stop thinking about him. And she says there is no base for our relationship.

I then went back to my parents and will completely move out on saturday.

We talked again today and she told me she woke up and was asking herself what she is doing and missing me.

She just can't decide what she wants right.

She needs time and space. And it is relly hard for me not to contact her. Because i think she will forget about me. And if she feels bad, there will be another guy to help her.

I know it is the right thing to do, stop contacting her, but its so hard for me. It sounds weird but i love her more now, then before.

I just really wish she realizes what she is throwing away, if she leaves me for good.

I really want a future with her, or at least a try. We will have a kid together, and i want that kid to grow up in an intact family with the real dad and mom.

I don't know if this in normal thinking and behaviour in this situation. But i really think she could come back to me.

Edit: The child is mine. His child was born around the time our child was concieved, so he wasn't there. And we had sex three times on the calculated day of conception.

I asked her to marry me last year, because i was sure she is the one. The heavy contact with the coworker started early this year. So we didn't get married because of the child.

[This message edited by Briiix at 3:31 PM, Friday, September 9th]

Don't be a sucker.
This 'marriage' never should have happened.
How can you even know that the baby is yours?

Annulment. Marriage under false pretense.

Get out now and never look back.

Good morning, welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

I agree with the above poster, end this farce of a relationship now. She's been cheating since before your wedding, women in love blissfully do not communicate with other men as she has been doing. IF they are in close proximity, more than likely they've been having sex all along. She's not in love with you.

Please inform the other man's wife that he is cheating on her. She deserves to know he is living a lie. Do not tell your wife you are doing this.

I wouldn't be so sure this baby is yours. You can do a DNA test after the baby is born, but please, please get an annulment asap. She is not marriage material.

Oh my gosh this is so heartbreaking. 😢.

What should be the happiest time of your life is just a mess.

Your wife married you under false pretenses. 😡

Your wife has been cheating on you for a long time. This guy has been more than a good friend.

She’s pregnant but is still undecided on what she wants. So she’s stringing you along until"she" decides.

Excuse my language but HELL NO!

She’s not in charge of your life or future. You need to make some tough decisions. And you don’t need her permission. Right now she’s playing on your emotional pain and counting on you doing nothing.

You are either her H who comes as her priority or you aren’t. If you are not, no amount of waiting around for her to decide is going to change anything. That’s called living in limbo. And you did not marry her to live in limbo.

Here are my suggestions;

Do not contact her.

Why? Because she’s off having her affair. This other guy is married? Total disaster and it’s highly unlikely he will leave his wife. When that happens she may want to return to you. But please know if you take her back you will always be "second".

Get a good lawyer. You need to establish paternity, child support and visitation. If you are the father then the birth certificate needs to have your name in it. Your wife could lie and say she doesn’t know who the father is. Don’t allow that.

Make sure custody is 50/50 and you get equal parenting time.

Your child has a real dad. A man of integrity and morals. Please know that. You don’t deserve to be in a three way relationship because your wife is dishonest.

She knows she never should have married you b/c she’s been having an affair with this other guy. It may not have been sexual but it has been emotional. And that is still considered cheating.

And I’m sorry — but inviting him to your wedding?! 😡😡 Again, oh HELL NO!

That is one cold hearted calculating disrespectful person you married.

It sounds weird but i love her more now, then before.

Take some time for yourself to process all of this. Your wedding and your discovery of her betrayal are all entangled on the same timeline.

If you give yourself time, you may understand that you love only the person she used to be...or the person you thought she was.

The person she is has been fully willing to marry you while having a serious boyfriend on the side. She's a person who wants you to wait in the wings while she decides who and what she wants.

She has betrayed you at the point in the relationship where you should literally be in your "honeymoon phase"--can't keep your eyes off each other, total bliss, etc. How could you ever trust her later on when life gets routine, or boring, or stressful, or when tragedy strikes...because life will be like that...and you already know she can't be faithful when life is shiny and new.

She married you about a month ago...but has not been committed to you prior to that ceremony, during that ceremony (the kiss emojis and including her boyfriend in your ceremony party), or after any of that.

You deserve so much better. You deserve unflinching loyalty. Your child (and do insist on a DNA) deserves better than a dysfunctional relationship between their parents. The child deserves a father who knows his worth.

You are worthy. She is not. Give yourself time to understand this.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 12:10 PM, Friday, September 9th]

I second the advice you have received above. Tell the other betrayed spouse. Get a lawyer and get started on an annulment and a paternity test.

We talked again today and she told me she woke up and was asking herself what she is doing and missing me.

She’s only missing her cake eating, and beginning to realize that instead of being a wife with an intact family she’s in danger of being a single mother and a side piece. Her concern is only for herself. Get yourself free before she destroys your future.

She is cheating on you so you need to get out of infidelity. Marriage annulment or divorce is the fastest way. The other way is she goes complete no contact with this other guy and focuses on building the marriage and finding out why she could be so deceptive and betray you.

Both of those approaches require you to be firm, find your resolve an act immediately. She is asking for time to figure this out, which sounds reasonable, right? But time to figure it out means she is putting this guy ahead of you and a brand new marriage. Tell her her options immediately, complete no contact with him or you move to end the marriage. Be firm. You can give her a few days to decide but do not give her weeks and months. AND DO NOT DO THE PICK ME DANCE. She should be the one doing that for you after how she has betrayed you.

Informing the other spouse is critical. It will bring pressure on the other guy. Expose your wife to her family too. Exposure usually helps end it if there is indeed a chance to end it.

Of course you should actively reflect on if you want to start a new marriage from a deep hole like this at all. It is a bad sign when the woman you just married has already been having an affair with someone else during your engagement. This should be the time when you are most committed and she is not committed at all.

Because i think she will forget about me. And if she feels bad, there will be another guy to help her.

What would you want to happen in this scenario? If she can so easily forget about you after 4 years...do you REALLY want to try and make this work? That other guy that is helping her...he is a married man with a baby on the way. He soon won't have much time for her AT ALL. It actually seems like she is already feeling that.

There is a saying on here...You have to be willing to LOSE the marriage in order to SAVE it. This means NO "pick me dance". That stupid dance NEVER works. NEVER. I have seen on here where a spouse cheats early in the M...then gets their act together and becomes a model spouse after that. I won't say that this isn't impossible for this to happen with you and your wife.

But there are a few questions I still have. Y'all had been together 4 years before marrying. What made y'all decide to get married? When y'all found out she was pregnant? Or was the pregnancy a surprise after y'all had set the date? Who initiated getting married? If it was you...why did you propose? In other words...would YOU have gotten married to her if she wasn't pregnant?

Being betrayed soon after marriage SUCKS . My 1st H cheated on me just 3 months after we were married. I was still very much in love with him...and did that "pick me dance" to get him back. It worked...we got back together and rugswept the whole incident. I found out about 2 years later that he was cheating on me again . My whole marriage was a SHAM...and by that time we had a baby. I didn't have the choice of a "pick me dance" again because he left me for this adultery co-conspirator. Their love affair lasted about 2 weeks after he left me .

It HURTS to be left like that...to be unwanted by the person who you JUST MARRIED . But when they show you who they really ARE...you NEED to believe them. When I started seriously dating the man who became my 2nd H...that was when my 1st H decided I was THE ONE . HE didn't want me UNTIL someone else did . I was just his booty call until he found a new "shiny" before that. Thank God I got away from that TOXIC relationship !!!

I was a solid believer in "once a cheater always a cheater" after that. Then my 2nd H cheated on me after being married for 28 years . This time though...I IMMEDIATELY told him that the M was OVER as soon as he confessed to his A. He sure wasn't expecting THAT!! It got him out of that limerant fantasy bubble affair land QUICK!! Within an hour we were talking about reconciling. He DID the work...and has truly become a model spouse. There was NO "pick me dance" either. I REFUSED to settle.

I can honestly say that I no longer believe in "once a cheater always a cheater". But it is very HARD work. To ME...it was much harder to go for R than it was to go for D with my 1st H. I don't regret trying for R though. What I learned from that is that BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for R to work. It seems that YOU may be willing to try. SHE has to be too though.

"Your child has a real dad. A man of integrity and morals. Please know that. You don’t deserve to be in a three way relationship because your wife is dishonest."

My advice as a survivor of infidelity is to take care of yourself and your family first.

One thing that I learned from my walk through the darkness that is infidelity and deceit is that I should have acted immediately and decisively. But I was in shock, blindsided and believed the best about people. I could have divorced the first time and maybe my WH would have changed his ways and we could have reconsidered.
In his case that was very unlikely. I am a relatively much older woman and I can tell you that respect is essential in a healthy relationship and cheaters are showing hurricane force disrespect.

In your situation I would demand DNA testing and then make a decision. I would not raise a child that was the product of infidelity without a lot of thought and good counsel.

Your wife may be very different than my WH. But
I was cheated on when I was young. I regret that I stayed when I found out. I was exposed to STDs (please get a very comprehensive STD test immediately and protect yourself and demand the same of WW for your child's sake).

I rugswept and believed my WH could change, but at his core he was and still is a lying cheater. It was more his character than a one off and there was nothing I could do or could have done to change it.

There are waywards who have changed on these boards. They have worked so hard on themselves and I respect them so much for that. The thing is, though, they took responsibility and they did the hard work.

My advice to someone who has not invested decades in a relationship is to take wayward behavior very seriously and act self protectively. A friend whose wife was a serial cheater did not think to DNA and in retrospect they also wish they had asked people in their lives for help and took sole custody. She turned out to be a destructive hurricane level force of damage later when he had more children with her.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your child. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

You must inform his wife. She has the right to know. Let your wife know that you want a DNA test done after the child is born. Then it is upto you whether you want to inform her parents or not.

Hi Blinx,

I am so sorry for what has happened.

Your feelings are totally normal. You are in love. You got married you were planning a life and your world got rocked.

You now want her back so badly because you were in a state of bliss and now you are in a state of extreme pain.

You want to get back to that state of bliss. But it will never happen. Not long term at least.

Also make no mistake you have suffered a serious trauma. You are forming what they call a "trauma bond".

Even if your plan worked you will have given her a pass to cheat on you more and she will likely continue her relationship with him.

I’m not going to lie to you, your marriage is most likely not going to survive.

The advise you are going to receive will be harsh but it is harsh for a reason. What you will hear will sound counter intuitive but it is the best chance for your long term happiness with or without her.

First the hard truth. She has been having sex with him. 99.9% percent chance she has been having sex. She is not throwing away a new marriage with "your baby" on the way because she just has a crush.

She has been having a deep intimate relationship with him. Don’t want to get on a tangent but women are very attracted to married men. Women get into fantasy worlds and the married man is the ultimate fantasy. She will replace the wife and have the same wonderful life she has. Even though he is cheating on his wife and the wife is at least 50% responsible for who he is now.

You cannot compete with this fantasy.

You cannot nice her back.

You cannot defeat feelings with logic.

You cannot allow your feelings to override your logic anymore.

You knew this relationship was wrong from the start and you allowed it because you did not want to be "controlling" or "jealous".

Lesson learned. Men and women can be friends but they cannot be close friends. No man is texting or chatting on the phone all the time or trying to spend time with her for anything other than sex or a relationship. Period. It was a dishonest relationship from the start.

Now that you see how you allowed your feelings to override your judgment don’t make the same mistake twice.

I’m glad you are moving Saturday. Get everything, hire movers if you have to. Clear out immediately. Do not allow her to keep you in reserve while she sees if she can make something happen with this guy.

Also if you allow her to do this to you even if she moves on from this guy she will have an invitation to allow another man in.

Don’t allow this.

Also remember she is not your friends right now.

Now the number 1 thing you must do immediately is see a lawyer. We will give you some advise that could be wrong like telling her job. You need a legal professional to tell you what your options are so you can be accurately informed.

Do this today. Right now. There is nothing else that comes first. Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer. Immediately.

2nd you need a paternity test. Not optional. You do not want to be stuck paying for another man’s child. Don’t let that happen.

It will drain your finances for years. And it will do it for a child you will never truly bond with. You won’t. Don’t kid yourself. You are not in your right state of mind currently.

Do not sign any birth certificate at all until you have paternity results.

You deserve all your finances so you can start a real family later.

Talk to your lawyer about this. This is also not optional.

Those are 1 and 2 and absolutely cannot be skipped.

Honestly you should end this marriage and sever all contact with her and the best news is that the baby is not yours so you can completely cut her out and move on but we will look at the other things you can do. Especially as the baby could be yours and unfortunately you will be stuck with her in Your life.

Even if it is yours you still need a divorce as you never had a marriage to begin with and she has to earn the right to get the marriage back. That can be a good thing.

3 tell his wife immediately. This can be a good thing. She will either hurt him badly or at least shut down the affair. You need some revenge trust me. Also she will act as a watcher to make sure he stays away from her. Also she may find you some useful information on how extensive this affair is.

4 tell every single member of her family. They will support her over you but they might at a minimum start trying to talk sense to her. At least they will lose respect for her which can be a good thing. She is not a good person and she needs to work on herself to become a good person again.

After the divorce which must 100% be done. The quicker the better. if she does want to save the relationship then you can work on some other options.

Make no mistake you are now 100% in charge. She must willingly comply with all your demands or there is nothing to save.

She is all in or all out. It’s ok to say this to her.

Don’t go after the job until you work through all the legal stuff but afterwards.

She must quit her job. 100%. She can never even look at him or breathe the same air as him for the rest of her life.

You will go with her to quit. And she will tell the truth about why she is quitting.

She will also write a letter to her corporate and HR departments explains why that you approve. He is now the enemy and she must prove she is loyal to you by going after his job.

Next. No more male friends ever. She lied to you multiple times about this "friend". She has lost the right to them and you can veto any male friend anytime you like.

This is one reason I don’t think your marriage can be saved. It’s too new and these are heavy consequences that you just don’t have enough life investment for her to accept.

You can’t be the marriage police. You don’t want that role your whole life. Unfortunately you will always have that role slightly now. That’s just the truth. She now has to make sure it is an easy job by never allowing herself to even get near a dangerous situation again.

But it has to be voluntary. I do think she will have it in her.

You have to do the top steps. You have no choice. If there are new developments post again and new advise will follow.

Listen to the others on here. They have a lot of wisdom and experience.

Hell you can read multiple post recently where people say this site was correct.

You need to understand your situation is not that unique and these things follow predictable patterns.

Don’t not get stuck thinking you are always the exception to the rule.

God I’m so sorry. You did not deserve this. I know you are hurting.

The number one way to get over a trauma is to remove yourself from it. Completely.

You should not save this relationship but if you try remember she must move heaven and earth to make it happen not you.

All you can do is move on with your life and if she really wants this she will run after you.

Don’t forget the self improvement stuff. Diet, exercise, sleep, money. These things can only help you in the future.

Take care and best of luck.

You must inform his wife. She has the right to know. Let your wife know that you want a DNA test done after the child is born. Then it is upto you whether you want to inform her parents or not.

I am not sure. I think if I inform the wife and they split then I am driving him into her arms. Even if i get divorced, i don't want this guy dating my EX-W then. I don't want him to be a dad to my son. But i also think she has a right to know. Maybe I can do it when this all blows over. Maybe he tells his wife next week. I am just now focused on my problem and not on the problems of his marriage.

Her parents know, we told them we split and they know the whole truth. So does my whole family and a few friends on either side.
And even her friends and parents say i am to good for her.

I am sure the child is mine. His child was born around the time ours was conceived. So he wasn't even there, because he was at home with his child.

We decided to cut all contact and talk again in 4 weeks.
Maybe i realize i don't want this anymore, maybe she realizes she wants me back. We will see. I just need time to think.
It is hard reading i have to go. But it sounds right. I just can't accept it at this point. I need time.

And i know even if she is willing to come back, it is going to be hard. And there is a high risk it wont work. But I think i would try it for the babys sake aswell.
Today she told me she woke up thinking "wtf am i doing and missing me". But we will see what that all means in 4 weeks.
It can totally happen, that i dont want her then. But we will see and time will tell.

THank you all for your answers.

The single best thing a BS can do is inform the OBS.

It's very rare that a cheating husband will leave his wife for his girlfriend. Typically he drops her immediately. When he does this, the other woman realizes she wasn't anything special, and he was using her.

The baby may be yours. But you know she's a cheater. There may have been other men,that you don't know about. Get the paternity test asap. It will possibly save you a lot of heartache, and money,for the next 18 years.

If she cheats on you before,and during the wedding, she will cheat later. She's not marriage material. At all.

I think you need to take the 4 weeks with no contact. She needs to realize that her AP really will not be there for her in the near future.

The same things that give you pause about ending your M right now will do the same for AP.

Your STBXW will be alone once her indecision causes both of you to lose interest. Maybe that is what ahe wants.

If you play stupid games you win stupid prizes.

Look, she cheated on you before you got married. If you think kids, a home and a future will keep her from living the high of having two men chase her well. . .she clearly is living in a fantasy world. All that will happen is that she becomes a single mother with no one pining over her.

I am really sorry, but use the 4 weeks to avoid contact with her.

When she reaches out to you do not respond. She is eating up all the attention.

This is a game where the only way you win is by not playing.

Short but sweet:

Inform OBS [and don't tell anyone you are doing this]
Save all evidence in a safe place
Get tested for STIs
See an attorney - know what your rights would look like in any scenario
Get a paternity test for the child
Take care of yourself.

She is not marriage material.

You say you're afraid to tell his wife because you think it will drive your WW into his arms. That even if you divorce your WW, you don't want them dating.

Firstly, you will have no say in what she does if you get divorced. You're currently married to her and she had an affair with him. Obviously, you cannot control her.

Secondly, I wouldn't be so sure he'd leave his wife for yours. I think he'd immediately cut ties with your WW once his finds out. Perhaps not, but that happens quite often. Regardless, telling his wife should absolutely be done. She needs to protect herself especially since she has a newborn. She needs to be tested for STI's because who knows if he's been sleeping around with others.

I think if I inform the wife and they split then I am driving him into her arms.

Your thinking above is not consistent with your posts that the other man is dedicated to his wife and new baby.

The other man does not want to raise your child.
The other man does not want another man to raise his child.

Nothing kills his attraction to your wife like exposure.

His immediate response will be to dump your wife.

Very sorry for your situation. My only comment is that you do a DNA test of your child. Do not rely on your calculation as to the date of conception. Remove all doubts and DNA the child.

Hi again,

Look taking time to think is ok to a point. I know your hurting. Your whole world has just been completely destroyed.

Talk to your family and friends and keep reading and posting.

There is a term here called 2x4’s. Harsh criticism is not mean to hurt you further. It’s meant to snap you into reality. It’s done out of concern. Even though we don’t know you we don’t want you hurt.

Your wife is a crazy ball of emotions right now and we’ll get to that but unfortunately so are you. You are so rocked you are not thinking correctly.

Unfortunately your line of thinking while it sounds reasonable, is actually the complete wrong way of thinking.

One piece of advise you can do right now that will not immediately alter your situation is get your self some individual counseling. Try to find one that specializes in infidelity and trauma.

You are traumatized. Make no mistake. Cheating is one of the most hurtful things that can be done to someone and you found out at your wedding and even on your honeymoon she was texting him…. That actually pisses me off for you.

You need professional help to work through your emotional state. Posting here in the meantime will help but I highly suggest you get a professional.

There is a lot of fear in your post. It comes off like you may have at least low self esteem and co dependency and a lot of neediness.

This will not help you in your situation.

I also highly recommend your read 2 books by a dr Robert glover called "no more mr nice guy" and his second book "dating essentials for men"

No more mr nice guy is not as bad as it sounds. A lot of us have developed what he calls "nice guy syndrome" it’s more complicated than it sounds. Many main steam experts actually site the syndrome without giving him credit. The dating book also covers some mental issues as well a general self help.

You are in a holding pattern so you might as well take as many actions to work on yourself. While you wait. It can’t hurt.

There is more I want to say but I’ll start a different post for that.

I’m so sorry.

I would second everyone who says to have a DNA based paternity test. You do not want to sink your recourses into raising another man's progeny. On the flip side if you child is yours without a doubt, at least you will feel fully committed in doing what is best for the child.

Should the child however be that of the OM, expose the adultery fully (I think you should do this anyhow), petition the courts to have your name removed from the birth certificate and petition for an annulment. If an annulment is not granted, divorce her.

Life is so much better once you dump the millstone weight of an adulterous spouse from your neck.

No one steps away from this unscathed, but you are young and have plenty of time to stand up, tend to your wounds, learn from the experience and forge an excellent life for yourself.