SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Looking for some similar experiences or advice from others. I haven’t been on here in a number of years, but I don’t really know who else to turn to right now.

I think my marriage is over. It’s been awful for the last year or two, and I can’t decide if I should stay or if we just need to let it go at this point.

We haven’t had sex since June 2022. When we get along, I would describe it more as like friendly co-parents than a relationship. We can laugh and joke around (when it’s good), but there’s no physical or emotional intimacy. I can’t remember the last time we had a real conversation about something other than logistics or the kids. I can’t remember the last time we went on a date just the two of us - if we do ever go out it’s with a group of friends and we spend most the night talking with others as opposed to each other.

When things are bad, we get into horrible arguments and can go weeks without talking (unhealthy, I know). More recently, maybe within the last 6 months, he’s started getting into fights in front of our kids which I’ve always been very careful not to expose them to. But he will yell at me, swear at me, and get into these arguments while they’re in the room which just makes me feel awful. I feel like there’s just a complete lack of respect. I know marriage is supposed to be "for better or worse", and people always make such a big deal about how admirable it is when people work out their differences and stay together no matter what…. But I’m just struggling to believe this is something we can work through.

I’ve been a SAHM for the past 10 years, aside from some part time work for a number of years, and it has always been a joint decision. He wanted me to stay home with the kids to make sure they had the opportunity to go to activities and have the best childhood…. I’ve had the opportunity twice now to go back to work fulltime and I would say he has played a large part in talking me out of it for one reason or another. But whenever we fight, he always brings up the fact that he makes the money and provides us the lifestyle we have. In the past when I’ve gone to visit my friends or family (with or without the kids), and he’s stayed home to work, he makes me feel so guilty for vacationing with his money, or going on vacationing while he has to work.

To his credit, he is a great dad and incredibly hardworking. He is exceptional at his job and has always provided for our family.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this. Partly just needing somewhere to vent, partly wondering if this is beyond salvaging, or if I want to. It’s just become incredibly lonely and isolating.

This sounds like a miserable situation to me. He has been unfaithful multiple times through the marriage and not only is he not trying to make that up to you and be a better spouse it sounds like he or possibly both of you are completely checked out of the marriage. He also should not discount the contribution you make as a sahm. It sounds like he wanted it but then gets resentful that you spend money. Selfish.
I would start to get my ducks in a row. Get a good support system, consult with a lawyer and start looking for work.
I would also be very concerned if he is swearing at you in front of the kids. That would be my number one red flag and it sounds like he’s escalating in his behaviors. In my opinion swearing at your spouse is abusive and your kids should not be exposed to that.

Saltishealing - yeah, I agree. It wouldn’t even bother me as much if the kids weren’t around to witness it but having it happen in front of them breaks my heart. I’m currently completing my MBA and have taken a 3 month back to work program to brush up my resume and interview skills, etc,, but it’s been a struggle finding something after a 10 year career break. The idea of having to work min wage jobs and barely afford childcare is weighing on me…. I know it’s doable, I guess I’m just feeling sorry for myself a bit. But you’re right.

I completely understand the logistical and practical affects of separating especially with kids. I am very self sufficient financially but I am ten years older and feeling the weight of these decisions affecting when I can retire. Regardless though if I did not have a WS that was remorseful, making big changes and treating me like a cherished spouse I would have to go. Getting a plan in place and getting a career going in your field will give you options and more confidence. You have a college education so with time you’ll be self sufficient. The mba and back to work program are a very solid first step. I hope regardless you get to a place of peace. I can’t imagine feeling any peace in a relationship of that sort.

The hardest thing about getting back into the workforce after a break to take care of kids is lack of networking. I took time off to raise ours, and as you might expect, most of the friends I made were also SAHM. By the time I was ready to get back in the game, all my professional references were cold. I wasn't able to break in until my husband's project lost a key player at a critical time and his boss asked for referrals. They would have ignored me if I had been an anonymous dead resume. Now, with two years of recent experience, I'm much more marketable.

Network with anyone and everyone you can find who might be in any way associated with a job you're qualified to do. In fact, network even if you think there's no chance they can help. I snagged my kid an interview with the head of a global division in her field because I brought her job search up with a bunch of English teachers at a birthday party. I was joking about whether anyone there needed her skill set, and one of them had a CIO for a gym buddy who had just said he was looking. She got the position and knocked it out of the park. Leave no stone unturned!

Hey awoel88- I hear you and know what you're feeling.

My wife had a long distance EA for several months that escalated to sexting in the fall-winter 2021 and likely a one-night stand PA. Very messy time. A lot of trickle-truth resulting in Ddays over 4-6 months.

Depending on when you mark the last DDay and/or her continued internet searches (pining) for her EA AP, we're anywhere from 18-24 months out from last, true final 'affair-esque' activity.

Trying to R.

She was done some work, but mostly the obvious stuff. Think she still can't face-up to what she did.

Sex has been sporadic during this R period and just struggling to feel 'connected' with her again.

So though my period of time is shorter than yours, I know what you're feeling. I cycle up and down which results in a blow-out about once a month between us. Sadly my oldest (16) has sometimes heard these. Breaks my heart.

So I do struggle with whether or not we should call it quits.

I don't want to, but it's so f---ing hard!

She is desperate to rug sweep and I don't want to blow-up our kids lifestyle. WW works, but we couldn't maintain our lifestyle with two, separate households. So guess I find myself treading water and staying for a lot of the wrong reasons... hitting the "hopium pipe" occasionally thinking she may put her other oar in the water and start pulling with me in R.

Youngest is soon to be 14 so thinking if I can make it until they get out to college.

WW thinks we're mostly fine, but I think part of me believes she'd honestly be relieved if I pulled the plug. She wouldn't have to be the bad guy then.

Anyway, starting to ramble.

You've been heard and understood.

He's being mean to you, and being disrespectful in front of the kids.

That's not a good dad.

Thank you all for your shared stories and reading.

I’ve definitely made some of the same "deals" with myself…. Wanting to stay together for the kids because we just moved and I don’t want to uproot them again, or until they get older.

100% agree that finding a job is all about networking, I’ve started to reach out to some old contacts and attending some industry events, just feels very daunting right now.

Just feeling sorry for myself I guess, grieving the future I thought we would have. Still very unsure what to do but I appreciate you all offering your thoughts