SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After Dday I looked back on in my husband’s phone and saw that months before he was looking up and book marked "How to end an affair and save your marriage" type of pages.

It’s one thing that I know has kept me in the ring with him. However as reassuring as it is (and reassuring isn’t quite the correct word) he didn’t end it. I discovered it before he ended it.

I am always hurt that he didn’t end it.

Do you have any discoveries after DDay like this?

Howcthappen

Not quite what you asked -

wife affair - around 3 1/2 decades ago - still bothers me at odd times

started reading SI and similar to learn and figure out how to squash memory

then one day occurred to me her confession was WAY to emotional for "we just kissed"

She then confessed to more - and for a moment - a couple of minutes - my world just stopped

eyesight went blurry - loud buzzing noise in head - dizziness -

An affect I've read about and never expected to have the experience.

Hurt was not so much as I've grown a lot older and gotten a little more callous (is that the right word?)

but for a couple weeks - she believed I was going to start divorce proceedings

I read somewhere (here?) - Being betrayed is bad. Betrying someone is evil.

Wish you didn't have the experience -

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 7:08 PM, Saturday, March 2nd]

I can totally relate. I came home from overseas and something wasn’t right at all with WW. Then one day when she said she was going out for a quick grocery run something clicked. First she didnt answer my texts for over 2 hours, and again this is after I was gone for 9 months. Then when she did answer, she told me she ran into AP and was at his house helping him settle in. (I didn’t know yet he was AP). So I started to feel really off, and then I did some digging and discovered what was at the least an EA. 4 hours later she came home and I confronted her. Lots of denying, blame shifting, whole 9 yards. She saw how bad it hurt me, but instead of ending it, she gaslit the shit out of me, and kept affair going for 6 months. So, yes, that cuts deep, deeper than then if she had just cheated on me while I was gone.

Your feelings are valid, and you have every right to feel anger that he didn’t end it on his own. He never should have started it, but it should cut deeper that it took discovery for him to actually end it. Unfortunately, that is pretty normal for Affairs, doesn’t mean you have to feel any different because of it

I understand. I found out as well, there was no confession and then during a brief period that I thought it was just an EA he met up with her at a conference again. The damage is just so immense. I have good days and think I can overcome this and move forward and then I have days that it still hurts so much and I just want him to leave. Just want to say I completely understand what you are feeling. I know that my WH would have never stopped without being caught. It was filling a void in him that he did not have the self awareness to work on in a healthy way. Sometimes when I look at the awfulness of it all I think how will I ever love this person again. He is a good partner now he’s been steady in reconciliation but I don’t know if I want to continue. I’m so sorry we’re all in this situation.

Salt is healing-

We are feeling the same way. 🥺

I was trickle truthed by WS and OBS.

OBS is the one who ratted WS out but only told me a small portion. He did not disclose the sexual encounter WS and AP has because he was waiting on the paternity tests of his 1 month old baby.

I discovered there were two failed sexual attempts on my own about 2 weeks later. That lying right there, that REALLY screwed me up.

Sometime soon after dday2 (when I learned about the breaches of NC), I was seriously doubting everything, and I saw a message exchange between WS and his close friend from shortly after dday1. WS told his friend that he "was committed to making things right" between us. Of course, he went back to his AP several times after that, but I believe that WS meant it at the time and still does.

But as others have said, unfortunately it doesn't take away from the pain of dday3 and dday4, and as time has gone on, I put less value in what WS says he wants because it's clear that his desires can be very divided internally.

My WH also did not end his 2,5 month long A until I caught him. He did dump AP immediately on DD and never looked back, but it hurts that it took me catching him for it to finally end.

I did discover upon reading through their entire conversation online (which was 80% of the affair they had 5 5-10 min long meet-ups in the basement at their offices during the entire A) that he had sort of tried to end it with AP multiple times. I write sort of because he ever said 'it's over' in those exact words. On multiple occasions he wrote to her that he is backing out of their relationship because it is not good for anyone and he is not ready to leave his wife although we were struggling (which we were, we had been in MC for a year but were not doing well for a few years), that he was not ready or willing to give her what she wanted from him (which was more, to meet up outside of work, have intercourse and leave me etc). Every time she would sulk for a few days/weeks and then reach out again and he would fall back in

They had also at one point started making plans for him to go to her place for the first time while I was supposed to go out with some girlfriends, this would of course have meant them sleeping together for the first time. What happened was that on that day he started telling me he didn't think I should go out because I had had a slight cold and so he was being insistent with me that I'm being irresponsible if I go out feeling less than 100%. At the time I remember finding it slightly odd that he was insisting I didn't go out for such a minor cold, in hindsight I now know that he regretted the decision of going to her house but wasn't man enough or felt he wouldn't be able to resist I guess and to just tell her no, and had to get me to stay home so he'd have a reason not to be able to go.

So yeah, double edged sword. He hadn't ended it but I did find signs he had tried to at least half heartedly, and also that he had not on any occasion planned to leave me for AP or said anything in that manner to her. But yeah, I do wish he had ended it on his own.

[This message edited by Miserylikescompany at 12:17 PM, Sunday, March 3rd]

My WS did end the affair one year prior to me finding out. That also means I was lied to for 1.5 years.

Most of their interaction was through texting and I had access to about 90% of it. She originally sent about a half a dozen news in each time. He texted her back to knock it off and he didn't give a s*** about her. She persisted in texting him and complimenting him several times a day and he eventually sent her back one nude photo but then shortly after told her it was never going to happen again. She apparently made an attempt to kiss him and he shoved her away (video footage at work proved this). She backed off for about two months but then approached him to have sex and he made a terrible choice. Now the sexual attempt was a failed one and she even texted him multiple times ridiculing him. Even at this point he told her multiple times to not go near him or text him unless it pertain to work. She did not stop until she became pregnant by her husband.

I get so angry knowing how many times he told her no and that he loved me and yet he made the choice to fall in with her. Is taking a lot of work for me to see and accept that it's certain personality traits that allowed him to put himself into such terrible position. Being a conflict avoidant people pleaser with low self worth is a very bad combination.

My WS and I have a lot of conversations about this. His affair was on and off for three years, and for half of that time, I knew he was unhappy and said (repeatedly) that I would agree to an amicable divorce if there were someone else who would make him happier. Each time, he looked me in the eye and told me there was no one else.

Dday was triggered by and email from the AP, and two days later, I found his archive of text messages and images. Ughh. Reading that load of malarky has messed with my head plenty!

But here is the other truth that I saw. He was addicted to the affair--not to her--but to the fantasy about himself. If this sounds similar, google limerance and limerent affairs. Learning about that concept saved our marriage. He never wanted to leave me. I literally presented him with a 2-year plan to end our marriage if that was what he wanted. The affair was never about me. He did not want to leave me. He was trying to escape himself.

I still hate that the AP triggered Dday by emailing me. However, I know the AP did it because she realized he would never leave me.

He regrets, one year out, not telling me himself. He hates her for not giving him the time to do that but realizes that this is itself a dodge. He had plenty of time.

Affairs sometimes come from broken partners. They are self-destructing, and the pain at the center of the affair is not even about us.

What matters, going forward, is that he accepts the need for radical honesty to atone for his failure to tell me the truth when it most mattered. Insist that he show empathy for how he harmed you by not telling you himself.