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How do I honor my need to ask the questions I have about my husband's affair - the ones that bubble up when I'm in the car, on a run, etc. - while trying to build upon the positive things that have happened since the last dday and his work towards reconciliation? The questions I have feel so important to get answers to, but send me (and us) spiraling into the darkness. Do I need to feel the pain to remind myself and him of the horror of it all so we don't get complacent in this process?

It’s a combo of a lot of things and it’s normal. Your brain has been traumatized and it’s constantly scanning for safety. You will ask the same question many times and many different ways.

You are too early for this to be a case of anything but normal. Usually discovery goes most of the first year. And you should not feel the need to suppress any of it right now. You need to process, and it’s imperative that your husband recognize that and participate in it willingly. After all, you are offering him a huge gift in trying to reconcile and this is what you need right now. Trying to suppress it will only prolong it or possibly not allow the r to continue.

It’s not you that needs to change your behavior right now.

At your stage of recovery, we were talking almost every night. He put a lot of effort into conducting and concealing his A. He'd do well to expend the same level of uncomfortable effort into unraveling the mess he made.

I wouldn't ask for answers in real time if doing so would be disruptive, like if he's at work, or if you're spending time with the family. Write your questions down if you need to. Set a time each day for talk. Or every other day. Whatever works for you.

Do I need to feel the pain to remind myself and him of the horror of it all so we don't get complacent in this process?

If you mean do you need to ask your questions and feel the pain of the answers, the answer is yes. Not that you need to feel the pain, but that you need the truth, and transparency and authenticity from your H - and from you, if you want to R well. Trying not to feel the pain, or letting him off the hook from sharing painful things, is rugsweeping. It never ends well.

This is like recovering from a bad burn. You have to scrub the wound until it's free of dead tissue. It hurts like a mofo, but it won't heal otherwise.

I'm struggling with this very thing. At what point do I move on? Am I obsessing over it? I know he's broken. I want to heal. My brain has been on emotional overload for the past 4 months. Part of my problem is that I've always put his well being ahead of mine. My bad. I know that I need to be taking care of me. I'm trying to balance my need to know with his fragile state of mind. I don't want to punish him, but I need to get some thoughts out of my mind. It's about me for once. I've had some time alone recently and have been journaling. I've typed out questions, concerns, worries and thoughts. I have fine tuned them over and over again. I want to be kind yet I want him to know exactly what's going through my head. I will read them to him once we are together again. He'll hate it, but he'll listen. Then maybe we can get on with life.

I still ask a question, if I have a positive outcome in mind that the answer will help get to. Thirteen+ years after d-day.

Not that you need to feel the pain, but that you need the truth, and transparency and authenticity from your H - and from you, if you want to R well. Trying not to feel the pain, or letting him off the hook from sharing painful things, is rugsweeping. It never ends well.

Well said.

I interrogated my W for months after d-day because I thought that understanding the A would help me heal. It didn't.

However, some on my questions had the aim of testing my W's truthfulness. She passed.

Other questions were necessary for me to fully accept the horror of my W actions.

Each answer built trust, because I took the answers to be truthful. Each (truthful) answer rebuilt M bonds, because she was honestly sharing the info I sought.

I believe each answer helped my W take responsibility for herself, and that helped her understand more fully what she had to do to change from cheater to good partner.

I'm all for asking questions, especially the ones that can result in deal-killing answers. If my W did something that I simply would not want in a partner, I wanted to find out ASAP.

R requires courage. You've already got the courage you need inside you, even if you don't realize it, but IMO you've got to dig for deal killers, just in case they're there.

I didn't use the "fishbowl" technique personally, but it seems like a good one from "Not Just Friends".

When you have a question, you write it down and put it in the fishbowl. Then your WH, when you are comfortable, or at a specified time, pulls out questions to find one or more for him to answer. I think you could also make it to where he answers whatever question he happens to pull. This way the questions are being presented in the heat of the moment you thought of them.

I personally don't think you are able to forgive what you don't know, and that's the main reason to get answers to these questions.

Hi Elara,

I don't have any super helpful advice, I just want to let you know that the way you are feeling at only a few months out is pretty normal. I used to absolutely bombard my husband with text messages demanding answers to questions while we were both at work and it felt like the responses were excruciatingly urgent. In time, I was able to acknowledge that this wasn't especially productive/constructive and I would do my best to write the questions down so we could discuss them later that evening. I do think my husband's willingness to calmly respond to my (incessant) questions in an honest and non-defensive manner was helpful to both my understanding/processing of the A, my ability to regain trust, and, if i'm honest, a demonstration of his eventually fitness for R.

I do think eventually that the need to question constantly sometimes moved from my need to discover and understand into what I would call "pain-shopping" territory. At 4 months out, I kind of doubt you are there however.

I don't think the fishbowl technique would work for us. Just the visual of the bowl with paper in it would kill him. He's a rip the band aid off sort. (even though it took him 42 yrs ) I've found that I can be kinda ruthless if I go off the cuff, so I need to make notes than sift thru them to clean them up and zero in on what it is I'm really trying to ask.

It’s a process.

For the first 4 months, questions consumed me. I have elaborate timelines I built from questions, credit card receipts, texts…. (I kind of became an insane detective)

For the first year, they were still an itch I had to scratch.

Recently, I have noticed a shift. I have a question, then I consider if it matters. Will it add anything to what I already know? Will it really help to ask?

If yes, I ask, but not immediately. I can wait for the evening (when we tend to talk).

If no, I let it go. I know enough.

I suspect part of me will never let it go. But I am healing. I am more at peace with what I know, and more willing to let go of things that I don’t need to know.

Thirteen+ years after d-day.

Similar here, I may go months without any concern or questions in my mind, then something is said, or not said, done, or not done, and I question whether I have asked enough questions or gotten enough answers.

I don't usually bring it up, my FWS can't handle this history of ours very well, due to mental health issues, and she NEVER brings it up.

But, it arises. Recently we were talking about something from the affair time, about building on to our prior home, which I had opposed but she had been pushing, I thought we should move. I finally caved to her wishes, things are very difficult at home, she's really not treating me well.

So, we spent thousands of dollars on drawings, then suddenly she got cold feet, doesn't want to do it, wants to sell the house and move. I'm frustrated, it has been a very difficult time, and I've just agreed to everything trying to keep peace, only to get the entire thing whiplashed after wasting a bunch of money. Her change of heart and abrupt shift didn't make sense.

She disputed my memory of this seemingly unrelated issue (but it was not unrelated), I pointed out that she was incorrect. She questioned me as to why I could be so certain in retrospect.

I pointed out that she was having her affair when these decisions were made. She had her AP over to our house and had had sex with him there in two locations, our bedroom being one, then broke off the affair and that is when she changed her mind and wanted to sell the house. She wanted to run away from the scene. How do I know? We still have the dated drawings...

Then, 5 weeks ago, she forgets our anniversary.

Yeah, it raises questions!