SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 4 months since the the first D day, about 2 since the last bit of truth trickled out. WH has been mostly exemplary in terms of behaving in a remorseful way and doing the work (as much as can be done in a short amount of time). We have stretches of good days - sometimes it seems that we are "out of the woods" even though I know that's ridiculous at this point. I know the road ahead is long.

Here is what I do when things feel too 'normal': - I sabotage. I trigger myself by looking at photos of the OW, I engage in conversations with WH that are destined to drudge up things that we have rehashed a ton of times, I cry and get back into a dark hole. WH then feels terrible about himself, and we go back several notches in our process. It's almost as though I need to press on the bruise to make sure I (and he) feel the pain to remember how devastated I am.

Does this sound familiar? And when does this stop? I hate feeling this way, and am largely to blame for pulling myself back into this painful place.

No, you aren’t to blame at all. Everything is still so fresh and raw, and it wouldn’t even be a thing if your WH hadn’t cheated.

People seem to underestimate how devastating infidelity is. I’ve had good friends die, seen horrid things in iraq, my mom died shortly after dday, nothing compares to the chaos caused by WW betrayal.

Give yourself grace, it’s all so new, four months is just the beginning of this. No matter what outcome you choose, D or R, the first year is a cycle of 10000 feelings, pain, anger, disbelief, disgust, love, hope, sadness. I’m sorry, it’s a rough ride. You will get through this, I promise.

It’s not you. You are just feeling the immense pain caused by being betrayed. I would recommend getting rid of any way to see OW, that won’t help you. WH is the problem, not her, and definitely not you.

Personally I hate the "going back" idea of R. That isn’t how it works. R isn’t a linear progression, it’s 5 steps one way, deep pain, 6 steps in the other with rehashing every single part of the A, temporary release, then starts all over again.

Please, forgive yourself, you aren’t the problem. The problem is that WH cheated on you. He needs to feel like crap. He made the CHOICE, and if he wants any chance, he will ride this storm he created.

In the early months - I looked at the evidence I had [photos of them together, screenshots of messages, etc. that spanned 3 years] all the time. Because I just couldn't believe he'd do that to me. Yet there was the evidence. I looked at it until it bored into my brain and I had to accept it.

Almost as painful - photos of us together during that time. When I thought we were happy. When I had no freaking clue.

Trauma is a MFer. We all handle it different ways.

I'm years from that time, and no longer look at those photos. But I have them in a safe place.

I am 7 months out and actually approaching the day of when his A started.
My H had an affair that spanned the entire summer of 2023.
I told my H and counselor the EXACT thing you wrote here, I will start pain shopping. I will look at the SAME 4 photos that I have of his old AP and go on a search of anything new I can find of her. I am honest with him about it and I know it is not healthy but sometimes I feel like I need to feel something, even if it is bad. My H has also been a role model WS so far and it doesn't make a difference, I still am not ready to make nice yet, I am not ready to let go.
My good days make for really bad days to follow.

I have thrown away and shredded most things that would make pain shopping easier (dates he saw her, his timeline) I read it and re read it until I thought I had what I needed and then I let it go. I do not need that many triggers (I have enough).
I try not to ask the same questions over and over anymore, not because I want to spare him but because sometimes I do it just to hear the same answers I already know. Most of them I feel aren't important anymore because they don't help me heal , they only make me sad , they make me stuck, that realization didn't happen until i was about 6months out. Now don't get me wrong I will think about those questions ALL DAY and if they are still on my mind when he gets home from work, I will talk to him about them (blow up on him) whatever my mood is :(, if not I let it go.

I describe the feeling to my H as this:

I feel like I'm floating on my back in water and if I give up to my thoughts and do not redirect myself I let myself sink below the water in a deep black hole where I can't breathe. I close my eyes and I imagine this and I let the thoughts flood over me like the water.
Sometimes I hate to admit it, I let myself willingly , I almost welcome it? I don't know how to fully explain it but I will say that I have to redirect my thoughts every day, sometimes all day. Sometimes I am just too tired of fighting how I really feel and I need a break, then my break is spiraling into a lake of pain. It is awful.

I have gotten better at rephrasing things to my H. Instead of saying something mean and degrading to remind of the A, I will say " You jeopardized our family, our kids, and our marriage. I need to know you know how detrimental that was to us, that your children's lives could have been flipped upside down from your selfish behavior" Still not super nice but way better than saying " I hate you and you're a piece of s*** for what you did and you don't deserve us"

Let him see your pain in a way where he can help and comfort you. I know when I attack my H or cry and scream it is hard for him to comfort me.

I am not sure you are feeling the same thing? I can tell you that we are both very early in the healing process and I think NO MATTER what our spouse does, our healing timeline won't change. I think it COULD help us but we still have to go through the same stages of grief and trauma, unfortunately.
I hope you don't ever blame yourself for any of this, not your feelings, not your response to him, nothing, none of us deserve to be here.

Yes - all of this is spot on. And yes - sometimes I would rather feel the pain (and dredge it up myself) in order to feel something - maybe it's to remind me and to remind him that the hurt is still there in full force. Additionally, every little thing that's an outlier - that could be evidence that the A is continuing - sends me over the edge and into the dark places where I believe that I am being lied to again. And then the work to get back to believing that maybe things are okay. It's maddening.