SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out that my partner of 10 years has been cheating on me. We have 2 kids together, and to say the least I am completely devastated. Last summer I found a condom in his wallet by complete accident. I went into his wallet to look for some small bills to pay someone and I opened up the small zip compartment and there it was. I had a tubal done after our last child was born so we definitely did not use condoms. I was so angry in that moment. In hindsight, the smart thing to do would have been to not say anything BUT we all know how hard that is!! I couldn’t help myself and I confronted him about it. He told me it was to make things more interesting in bed with us. So it would last longer. And I wanted so badly to believe him that I actually did!! But I’d be lying if it wasn’t there in my mind this whole time and he never did make an attempt to use it for us. So on Valentine’s Day, six months after I found it, I snuck into his truck when he wasn’t home and he had left his wallet. It was still in there but it was different numbers on it. I know I took a picture. I confronted him again about it and he told me he was only interested in us. But that’s when I began to feel like there was something he wasn’t telling me. He’d been fighting with me a lot, never happy no matter what I did, making comments about me being a bad mother, and talking about splitting up every time we would get into an argument. At this point I should have been starting to look into things but i suppose it’s something i NEVER thought he would do.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, he had his phone sitting out on my daughters dresser and a text came through from someone that was talking to him, well like he would talk to me, and she was winking at him talking about wearing less clothing at 7 am. I know at that point but didn’t say anything right then. I don’t have access to his phone, he keeps it on him always. However, thankfully the account is in my name so I went online and looked up the records. All day, every day messages starting at 4-5am into 10 at night, for MONTHS. And another number too. I should not have said anything, I should have started snooping at this point. I could just kick myself for being so foolish but emotions take over. I confronted him and he was so very angry. First, calling me crazy, then after I told him I viewed the records. It shifted and he admitted to talking to not just one but five women. Basically telling me it’s my fault because I’m not meeting his needs and these women are. I was so devastated, especially since he said so easily, like to was actually trying to hurt me!!!! No remorse in his voice at all. I told him I won’t stay in the relationship if he continues to persue other women and that he needed to make a choice. He didn’t choose me right away, he basically said he wasn’t happy with me and that we were not compatible (after 10 years!).

Later on that evening. He cried. Told me he was sorry and that he wanted only us and that he told that other women that we would work it out for our daughter. But he still hasn’t told me the truth about what was happening. For the phone logs, he isn’t talking to them anymore. And I do genuinely feel like he’s trying and wants this BUT I don’t feel I can move on until I know everything, even if it hurts. He tells me he didn’t have sex with them but that he wanted to and that it was going there. I do believe he definitely at least did other things with them, oral sex, at the very least but deep down I think he did more but won’t tell me because he’s afraid I’ll walk on him. He had already deleted all the messages on his phone after I confronted him so I can’t even read what he was writing to them and his phone is older and I don’t think I can access deleted messages. Now I feel like I have lost my chance at finding out what really happened and to what extent he took this. He tells me it could have been anyone, and that he had no connection or true feelings for these women. But I don’t believe that considering he was talking to at least one all day long every day since December. I also need to know he’s completely done, and I don’t trust him now even though I want to. I am a nurse and I work night shifts. He works all day, all I could get out of him is that he he took one on a date after work and out to eat but beyond that he’s like a locked up. He says he ceased talking to any of them and only wants us, so that should be all that matters. Should I try and text this lady and get more information, I did text her once right after I found out and asked who it was. She only said "a work friend" and when I said why are you texting at 4am she said "a conversation you should take up with him." Do you think I should try and talk to her more? I want to monitor things here over the next months and longer if need be to make sure he’s not cheating but now that he knows I have access to phone logs I don’t know what else I can do? This is so awful, it’s completely ruined my state of mind now and I can’t focus on anything else.

I didn’t want to read and run, although unfortunately I do not have much time now to write a full response. So very sorry that you are here.

However, for a start, his stance of ‘I’ve stopped talking to these women and now only want you so that is all that matters’ is absolute rubbish. He HAS broken his marriage vows already whether or not he actually slept with any of these women (since he admits it was - at the very least - heading in that direction). That DOES matter. It matters because maybe you don’t want to stay with someone who engages in that kind of behaviour. Or maybe you can R, but first you need to know what you are R-ing over.

Secondly, the shock makes us all do strange things. When I received the message that triggered my own D Day I immediately turned to my XWH (he was next to me) and told him about it. Cue denials. It happens, don’t beat yourself up about it. But now you are focussing more, think about if there is any other way of accessing the information you want. For example, maybe there are other devices you can look at (computers, tablets)? That is precisely what I did later on on D Day, and found enough to force a confession.

Thirdly, this is NOT your fault. Do not believe his ‘not meeting his needs’ line. Maybe he did have needs, but there are myriad others ways of dealing with that other than cheating. Get yourself into IC asap if you can.

He's full of crap and using every trick from the Cheater's Handbook.

Don't waste your time with these other women. They are the ones with loose morals and boundaries and got involved with a married man [no matter what story he gave them].

Now - if one is a coworker - you could go to his/her HR office with your findings. Pro Tip - if you go this route, do not let them know you are doing this because they'll have a million ways to discourage you.

Please - get some IC. Get to a Dr. for some STI/STD testing [no matter what you are told about it being physical]. And get yourself to an attorney or three (most offer free consults). Save any and all evidence in a safe place and then a back up. Because trust me, there will come a time you are pressured by someone to discard it.

Take care of yourself during this long, difficult process.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you have been affected by infidelity. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are some with bull's eye icons that are on the first page or two that are also helpful. The Healing Library is a link at the top of the page and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It is a nice primer for what he needs to do to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She's written a chapter called Windows and Walls that I found was a good analogy for boundaries. Between the two of you, there should be windows - meaning transparency. Between others outside of your M (marriage), you build walls - meaning you have boundaries and don't share things that are only appropriate to be shared between the two of you.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful for you. If you're having issues with anxiety, depression or sleep, please see your doctor for some meds. Because he had different condoms, it is highly likely they had sex, and he may not have used protection each time. You both should be tested for STDs/STIs because there are some really nasty diseases out there that can be life-long and life-threatening.

He needs to do IC to dig into his whys and to work on becoming a safe partner. As you've learned, cheaters lie and then they lie some more. Watch his actions as they will tell you more than his words.

At this point, we don't recommend MC (marriage counseling). Your M didn't cheat, he did. The focus of the MC will be to work on your communication skills and your relationship. Many also fall into the "unmet needs" fallacy and can subtly shift the blame to you. While you each are responsible for the M, the cheating is 100% on him. He had many other options than to make the unilateral decision to cheat.

Again, sorry you're here.

[This message edited by leafields at 4:22 PM, Monday, April 29th]

I have a very simple strategy when dealing with infidelity. Namely – give them the freedom that they want, while keeping the respect YOU require.

If he is saying this is all your fault and the ONLY reason he wants to try is the daughter...

Well...
Let him know that’s a terrible reason to remain a couple. It requires that he accept that you are not able to meet his needs, and that you accept that the only reason he’s there is the daughter. That’s not respect. You are worth more than that and he should be wanting more from life than that. Remaining together would only be painful for both of you.

In fact – you should be telling him that FOR YOUR DAUGHTER you are refusing to be the spare tire, the lesser option. That it would be immensely better for BOTH of you to be able to tell her later on that mom and dad couldn’t make it as a couple, but have done their best to coparent. That for both of you and the daughter it would be immensely better for her to have a happy separated mom and dad, and even a happy step-dad and step-mom. Would beat being raised in a household full of resentment because dad wasn’t having his needs met, and a subdued mom that didn’t get the respect she deserves.

You can be clear that it isn’t what you want, but it beats what he’s offering.

If he does want to save the relationship...
What you need to even consider reconciling is:
The TRUTH. You need to be ready to hear the truth, but he needs to let you know who they are, how he picks them up, communications, precautions... basically you need to know that when he says he’s going to the pub he’s hooking up or whatever.
Six partners? STD tests... A complete range.
Accountability. He needs to realize that he can rebuild trust, but for now there is none. If he tells you he’s going to the stores, you are allowed to confirm.
IC. Definitely for him, probably for you too.
In maybe the next 3 months... you two might start MC. Not really to deal with the infidelity, but if he needs sex 3x a week and you don’t... you two need to be able to communicate about that. Like he says "I need sex" and you say "I need help with the kid and house, so I could possibly have energy and feel like sex".

He told me that’s he loves me and he wants this for US as well as his daughter. When he initially told me he broke it off with this women he said he told her it was because of our daughter, and that we were going to try and make it work. I feel like he’s protecting her feelings but he obviously didn’t care about mine when he cheated.

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. You can get through this and heal. It will take time and to R and rebuild it takes absolute truth. Time to demand a few things from him.

1. He absolutely needs full on STD/STI testing that includes blood work for hepatitis and HIV. DO NOT have sex with him unprotected until he comes back clean and you see the actual results.

2. Demand a full timeline. Give him a deadline to complete it by, explain this is just the start of healing and you can't heal until you how deep the injury is. Also make clear you will ask questions and fact check him, and that a polygraph is NOT out of the question.

3. See an attorney and get lay of the land should you choose D. You cannot make an informed decision without all the information.

4. See your Dr get full STD/STI testing for you thateans blood work and a pelvic exam. This is most likely the biggest trauma you have ever been through so if you fond yourself in fight/flight mode unable to sleep or eat you may benefit from meds to help you get through the early days. There is no shame in it. Also ask for a referral for a good traa therapist.

Last but not least. Tell him you never want to hear about his unmet needs being his reason. That's bullshit. He is doing what he is doing because he likes the ego kibbles and attention. If this had been going on for a while and he just stopped I'd be looking for a burner phone. Watch his actions not his words. Words are meaningless.
Keep reading keep posting

[This message edited by tushnurse at 6:17 PM, Monday, April 29th]