I was, past tense, very codependent. I was afraid to bring up issues with my wife because I believed she held the attitude of F' this, I can find another man who doesn't have any issues with me. When I would try to discuss something with my wife she would become defensive, cross her arms, deflect, boomerang.
After the shock of discovering that she was sexting with a married coworker wore off I started working on my codependency issue and once I realized I would be fine without her AND TOLD HER THAT I could finally see clearly. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders
I am no longer afraid of her leaving. I've told her "Anyone can leave a relationship at any time" and it's true and there's nothing one can do to stop it so stop worrying about something that is uncontrollable
I believe that once my wife realized I could go on without her it stripped away a control she had over me.
My life revolved around her. I had no social network outside of her and I was fine with that but in retrospect it was very unhealthy. A month ago I found a group via the Meetup app that plays sand volleyball once a week. They do other fun activities as well. It took me weeks to get up the nerve to tell her "I found a group of people that gets together for fun activities and this Tuesday I am going to play volleyball."
I told her this is for me and I know this sounds mean but you can't be there. And it hurt to say that because I felt like I was excluding her. I said you have a social network, people you can do things with, I don't, and if we cannot repair our relationship I need to have a network in place, people to do things with, friendships. Trying to build that after a divorce is the wrong time
She wasn't comfortable with it but knew she had to accept it. Or not, her choice.
I have been playing for about a month and having a blast. I'd forgotten how to meet new people and carry on a conversation. It's not a singles group far as I can tell, they just get together and have fun.
My first time there the organizer asked "So what brings you here?" and I said "An affair" We talked for a bit and he said all he wanted from his WW was an apology and he would have taken her back but she refused.
Breaking the codependency shackle is life changing