SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I’ve been reading these forums for a while now but yet to post, I didn’t feel ready.

I’m 9 months out from DDay. My partner had a ONS while away for a work, a job he’s still in and refuses to leave. It involves a lot of travel, mostly 1-3 days here and there, but sometimes longer, one trip this year was six weeks. He loves his job, it’s hard to get one and the same field that doesn’t involve travel. He did look but I didn’t like the amount of travel that came with the jobs he found, they seemed worse.

Aside from this he’s taken some actions on improving himself, has changed the way he behaves while away for a work in that he no longer involves himself in social activities, just works and returns to the hotels afterwards, he’s stopped drinking, he calls and texts a lot when he’s away, he’s putting in more of an effort at home, and has taken on a second job that is more steady and local and helps more financially.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and ‘soul searching’ I guess and this has been up and down. I feel like I’m always realising something new about myself/our relationship that I hadn’t noticed before.

We tried MC immediately after DDay which was an awful idea but she did point out some things I hadn’t noticed, like how he makes big decisions that affect me/the kids without me.

He won’t allow me full access to his phone/laptop, although he does tell me the code but he doesn’t like me looking through it because it’s an ‘invasion of privacy’ and says he has a right to have private conversations with his friends. I wouldn’t like him reading my messages with my friends either so I wavered on this and said I can ask to look at who he’s been messaging any time I want. I haven’t actually done this at all yet, but one night last week, I noticed him delete a message thread on WhatsApp so I asked who it was. It was one of his friends (female but I have no concerns there) so I asked why he deleted it. He said she’d asked how we were doing (she knows about everything) and he had said that I’d been really mad at him that week and then he thought I might get mad that he said that so he deleted it. Thing is, I wouldn’t have asked to read those messages. If I looked at who he was texting, I’d only be looking for questionable people, ie females that I don’t know or would have reservations about.
So that’s spun me out.

Another thing is I asked him to book the whole month around our DDay anniversary off working away (which is totally doable with notice). He’s booked one trip off, in which he’d be returning to the country of where he cheated and would be on DDay. Although he left that a while because ‘I hoped you might change your mind’.

He has another trip at the beginning of that month for a week far away, which is also the week of my birthday, and he said that seemed like over kill.

My dilemma now is, I can’t decide whether to keep trying, whether to dig my heels in about these things that are bothering me, whether to just accept the good that he is doing and take that for now. I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve seen a lot of people say they feel they didn’t know their WS, that they looked at the differently after. Thing is, I tried to block this out, but I always felt like this would happen one day. I always thought his boundaries with women were a little skewed and that he was always looking for something else, like I was never enough. We’ve been together fifteen years, and over that time, I’ve counted nine women he’s been involved with in some way or another (mostly when we were younger and off and on, but four of them since we had kids - one an EA (which he still refuses to accept), one an inappropriate friendship, one a girl he met on dating apps while we were broken up for a short time and slept with, and the ONS). Throw in some alcohol and drug problems, I feel like he’s always looking for something more.

Yet he won’t leave. He doesn’t want to leave and when I made him leave, he begged to come back. Swears he loves me, can’t live without me.

And I’m just very very confused and honestly very very depressed lately. I’m at a complete loss at what to do. How do I make such a big decision? We have three kids aged 7-14. I just feel so stuck. One minute I think oh he’s trying so hard, cut him some slack and the next I’m raging about not only the ONS but stuff he did years ago that I should probably be over by now but I clearly just rug swept at the time.

I’m so overwhelmed by it all I can’t think straight anymore.

He won’t allow me full access to his phone/laptop, although he does tell me the code but he doesn’t like me looking through it because it’s an ‘invasion of privacy’

After infidelity all bets are off on the "invasion of privacy" How do you rebuild that trust without verifying? It doesn't have to be forever but access to the electronic devices was a requirement for me. There are still other ways they can get around it as my xWS did with a burner phone so it's not always foolproof.

Another boundary I would lay down is no contact with the EA partner and no more conversations with females. He shouldn't be discussing how you are doing with another female it's none of their business.

It takes a long time to get over an A at least 2-5 years and I would say more on the 5 year end. He has totally turned your lives upside down.

Make sure he sees an IC to figure out why he would allow himself to betray you and your children in this way and the blame isn't on the partnership it's something in him. Some excuse he gave himself to have the ONS. Also have him read "Not Just Friends" and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair."

You should also see your own IC (Individual Counselor). Marriage Counseling is something you do when the M is having problems not the infidelity that is an individual issue.

Take your time to explore your feelings and maybe not put R on the table for a few years until you see big changes from him. You may also decide it was a dealbreaker and that is ok too.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:29 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

I pointed out that it wouldn’t be forever but he’s against it. If he’s deleting messages anyway, then what’s the point in me being able to look at who he’s messaging and he would probably delete stuff if I had full access I assume.

I’m not really bothered about him talking to the female friend about us, they’ve been friends pretty much the whole time we’ve been together and I see no issues and have no concerns with their friendship. We have made an agreement that he has no new female friendships though.
He actually works with the woman from the EA again, in his second job, but they don’t speak much now unless it’s about work. She did bring up something from the past though the other day about me having reservations about their friendship before which got under my skin. Why bring that up?

He’s on a waiting list for IC due to mental health issues. I also tried IC but haven’t been able to find one I like.

I was thinking of trying MC again, for the sole purpose of working on communication and trying to get him to listen better. But I’m not sure if that’s worth it or not?

He seems to be doing the easier work, but not the deeper work. I think he should just book IC privately but he’s waiting, even though the waiting list is long and it will probably be months and months.
He won’t quit the job, for the sole reason that he enjoys it, nothing to do with money.
He reads articles I send him but barely says anything about them or tries to dispute the points made. He won’t read any books I suggest.

Whenever I’m having a bad day he’s just instantly like ‘are you mad at me?’ He actually said he would prefer if I was sad rather than angry at him, which I don’t know how to take.

I’ve been trying to focus on the good changes but the bad stuff just seems too much but I don’t know if I’m just sensitive right now and looking for reasons to be mad at him or if I’m right in feeling this way.

This sound a lot like my WS's behavior after dday (his was a 3 year LTA, not a ONS), down to "I was hoping you'd change your mind about that." Doing the bare minimum. Moping around and feeling sorry for himself a lot. Asking to have privacy. And guess what - he was holding stuff back. There was false R for 2.5 months, but also secrets kept for months after. I'm so sorry, torturedpoet. This is very typical stuff for some WS's. I had to get serious about leaving the marriage multiple times, and each time, he'd shape up for a while and then slide back into poor habits or pick up new bad habits. We are now 2 years past dday1, and I'm going to separate and move out.

R works best when the WS is truly remorseful and giving 100% to repairing the marriage. The ones who don't take initiative and who are genuinely interested in discovering what's wrong with themselves and making improvements. The BS can only do so much.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and in such a terrible situation. It's hard to break up a marriage when you have young kids! That's one of the main reasons I've tried to make it work. I think you're going to have take some drastic action to shake him out of his comfort zone.

You said: "My dilemma now is, I can’t decide whether to keep trying, whether to dig my heels in about these things that are bothering me, whether to just accept the good that he is doing and take that for now."

I suggest not just digging in your heels but also making a plan to exit and letting him know you're serious about it. It's often said around here that you have to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. I'll add that there's still no guarantees, but it's often the kick in the pants that a WS needs to get serious.

Good luck, hugs, and stay strong!

Based on what you've said, I'd be suspicious of him cheating again too.

His actions, as described, don't reflect someone earnestly trying to change and keep their relationship.

I'd definitely advise you to continue being cautious here.

I'm sorry this happened to you and wish you any strength you believe you need (and any clarity you need for your eyes).

Thank you for validating my concerns.

I think I’m going to have a talk with him about the trip I don’t want him to go on, suggest MC again in the new year, and talk about the phone issue.

I think my trouble is I hate conflict and always feel bad for voicing my feelings (something I’m trying to work on).

I also want to make it clear to him that right now I’m still undecided and just because he’s still here doesn’t mean I’m going to let him stay here forever. I want him to know that right now, the only reason I’m still trying is for the glimmer of hope of the smaller actions he’s taking, but mainly it’s because of the kids. If it wasn’t for the kids I would be out, and I have no doubts about that. I want him to know that he has to work for it, very hard, because as far as I’m concerned he’s killed the relationship. But again, I worry about making him feel bad, which is crazy because he’s caused me all this pain and I’m still worried about hurting his feelings by being honest about what he’s done to me.

I think that’s maybe where MC could be good, somewhere to voice my feelings with someone there to mediate because it feels sometimes like we’re both speaking a different language and he’s just not fully getting the severity of the situation and what his actions have caused. I feel like he’s not listening to me properly when I talk, like all he’s hearing is ‘you’re a terrible person and I hate you’. It’s incredibly frustrating.