SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello!

I am the betrayed spouse.. I will not get into all the details long story- my ww husband we will call him bob has been having an affair for the last 4 years….we have been married 30 years and have 6 kids.. I have 2 affairs confirmed and suspect he has cheated the entire marriage…

I hit my breaking point a few weeks ago when I came across a hotel reservation on his phone… he hasn’t been sleeping with me lol so the hotel room wasn’t for me lol

I broke every dish in the house.. and told the adult children in the house 28 and 19.. we also have a 16 yr old and 11.. and 2 other kids out of the house..

Any way that was in Sept he immediately asked me for a divorce because he says I turned the kids against him ha ha .. the kids already knew and have known for years smh…

Well he is still in the house plans to move out in Jan and want to file for divorce immediately and wants me to sign a divorce decree.. so what’s the big rush???? He hasn’t even left the house yet…

He is offering a generous settlement but I suspect that he is expecting a huge windfall of cash sometime in 2025 and that’s the reason for the rush..

In our state it mandates a year of separation before filing so I have no idea why he thinks he can file immediately.. I said I want the year of separation and he said that’s okay. It he still want all documents signed in Jan .. back to Jan again sounds suspicious…

When I told him I wanted future profits from his company he told me he is closing his company in Jan and opening a new one in Feb.. again there is Jan again!!!!

When I told him I wasn’t agreeing to anything till after the year separation he became enraged and almost hit me..

I than read his divorce decree that he is writing and the kicker is- he puts down that if I tell other women’s family or friends about the affair that I lose everything..

I laughed tild him he can take his divorce paperwork and shove it where the sun don’t sign…

Meanwhile my state weighs infidelity and domestic abuse in divorce settlements- I have him on both..

He has tried to control me my whole marriage and now he wants to control the divorce- good luck!!!!

I suspect that your husband's in a rush to file for divorce is because his mistress has threatened to dump him if he doesn't file by January. I base on the following:

-He forbade you from disclosing the affair to the OW's family and your mutual friends, which means that they plan to "go legit" and want to present their relationship as a new one that started after he officially filed for divorce

-The holidays are an especially miserable time of year for an OW. A lot of people get engaged on or after Christmas, relatives ask "Why are you still single?", happy families everywhere (TV, on the streets, in the stores), and anger and jealousy at the idea of him enjoying the holidays with you and your kids. She needs something to look forward to in the New Year in order to get through this; hence, the ultimatum

If you haven't already, you need to see a lawyer NOW! It's very likely that your husband is currently in the process of moving around money and assets.

On the plus side, the fact that he's in such a rush puts you in a favorable negotiating position because it seems like he would agree to terms that favor you as long as the papers get in.

But on the negative side, you can't allow him to bully you into consenting to an agreement in haste that won't benefit you in the long-term... hence why you need to see a lawyer now. Your lawyer can also give you an idea about which stipulations he's requesting would actually be enforceable.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:44 PM, Friday, December 6th]

In short order you need

A restraining order to protect yourself against any attack or future abuse

A good attorney that you can refer your STBXH to - as in you can’t sign anything w/out your attorney reviewing it first

A variable activated recorder that is on you at all times

Security camera in your home in key rooms

A good friend of mine D someone EXACTLY like your H. D process was years b/c he refused to settle despite being a serial cheater the entire marriage. My friend’s XH refused to settle for anything reasonable - he wanted everything. And he put her through hell to try to get what he wanted.

Protect yourself. When people don’t get what they want they can become unhinged. And act out when things don’t go their way.

You basically answered your own question:

He has tried to control me my whole marriage and now he wants to control the divorce

Yes. He thinks he can control this.

I think your very best way forward is to believe him when he says he wants a divorce.

Only... divorce is a process, and with six kids, 30 years of marriage, a business and all that... it’s not something YOU negotiate about or try to handle while screaming and threatening each other.

What you do is call around. Get recommendations for a good divorce attorney in your area. No – don’t tell me you can’t afford it because whatever it costs beats the risk you take trying to solve this yourself. Then you share your story with said attorney, along with your concerns.

There are laws and procedures that are supposed to protect people like you from circumstances like he is presenting. Imagine if you could really hide assets before divorce; people would suck up to misery for a year to get their assets off the table. Allow him to think he can outsmart everyone and control the dialogue and pace, while you go find a bulldog that protects your present and future interests.

Hi!

Thanks everyone! I called a lawyer today…I am not going to negotiate a terms of divorce with him - it will go through lawyers.. and I am going to drag out the process as much as possible he is waiting to close in a few big money making deals and I am sure that is the rush to sign everything now- to screw me…

Mind you his settlement of money is a very good - however if I were to accept it I could be screwing myself out of millions and I say millions if he ever signs his deal up!! We are talking upwards of he could get 20 million dollars in 2025….

Yeah, he's probably thinking to drop you before the $$ comes through. I hope you discuss it with your lawyer to see what the best outcome for you will be.

Sending strength!

A friend of mine’s H filed for separation out of the blue in a state that required 1 year of separation before D (North Carolina). It was because he knew he was going to make partner that year and didn’t want her to get any of the money. The D ended up costing my friend a lot of money - I think she had to write an $20k check or something like that and then he gets a big windfall just a couple months later. Total jerk.

So there can be financial incentives for him.
Interview more than one lawyer and hire the sharkiest one. This is the time you need someone who will fight for you and knows how devious people like your WH operate.

Given his abusive behavior and the fact that millions of dollars are at stake, you need to be extremely careful. Perhaps I watch too much Dateline, but your husband has plenty of motive and the disposition to harm you if he feels he isn’t getting his way.

As 1stWife advised, you should get a VAR and recording devices for your home. I would also turn off location sharing on your devices and try to avoid being alone with him as much as possible. Make your daily routine unpredictable.

In addition, you should take him off as the beneficiary of any life insurance policies you have and make sure that there aren’t any policies taken out on you of which you are unaware.

Hi!

Where I live it is illegal to use a VAR and probably not admissible in court..I don’t share location with him ever through devices…How do I find out if he has life insurance on me?

Thanks for the replies appreciated

Even if a VAR is illegal or inadmissible where you live, it would still be good to have, if only for your own sanity and to help you document dates, times, threats, and incidents.

As for finding out about life insurance policies, the National Association of Insurance Commissioners (NAIC) has a free Life Insurance Policy Locator Service tool that you can use to look up if there are any life insurance policies in your name/social security number. It's easy to find via Google.

I than read his divorce decree that he is writing and the kicker is- he puts down that if I tell other women’s family or friends about the affair that I lose everything..

One piece of advice:
Don’t argue with him (as in you and him at home) about the divorce. Let him send his "decrees" further up the totem-pole – hopefully enter it into the legal system and/or to your attorney. For example – had he sent this above to you a competent attorney (hopefully yours...) could use this as documented proof of his affair (why else protect the OW or place that condition), of his abusive and controlling behavior and generally an official self-declaration of Assholiness....

Regarding VAR's... As a rule and in many/most states secretly recording someone is a big no-no. The goal of a var in your instance would rather be that when and if he's abusive - verbally or whatever - you pull up the var and the very first piece of recorded convo should be you saying "I am recording this for my own safety. You have been made aware of that. Are you really stating that...."

Hi!

Unfortunately he took that paper and did something with it- I am not sure .. I could pretend to want to see it again and act like I am agreeable to the terms- which um heck no I am not…

VAR- is illegal in our state…

I have filed a police report against him for domestic abuse..

Right now I am just being nice to him as I prepare for divorce….

Unfortunately I do still love him but I recognize I deserve more..