SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Is 3 months since finding out your husband kissed another woman (and had a 3 month phone relationship) long enough to be "over it?" I’m being told that I am ripping off old scabs if I talk about it. I have good days and bad days but I try to talk about what I’m thinking on my bad days and it makes him irate. I’ve been married 17 years, with him for 25, and this was completely unexpected. I’m a mess.

I'm so sorry you are here :( but you have come to the right place. There is a wealth of support and information and I highly encourage you to look through the "Just found Out" forum and look at the pinned ones up top.
My husband "only" kissed but it's a betrayal nonetheless. How did you find out?
You can read all my posts and see how much I've struggled. You are not alone.

You can only be betrayed by someone you trust. When that person is also someone who you love, the betrayal is profound. That is why you are stunned and likely in shock. I am almost 29 years out from discovering my wife’s flirtation, mostly on the phone, with her old boyfriend. She denies even kissing, and I mostly believe her, but it doesn’t really matter. It was her deception and years of lying by omission that rocked my world. I still have days when I think about the things she did and said, plus the lies, and then I just don’t feel safe. I do get over it in the moment, but betrayal is the gift that keeps on giving. I don’t know your husband but I used to be a criminal defense attorney and met lots of guys who had done some disreputable stuff. Interestingly, the true criminals had no trouble admitting guilt but the ones who were novices and who deeply felt shame, well, some of those guys just couldn’t accept what they had done. They’d lie to me. I would explain that lying to your lawyer was not helpful and certainly not smart. My go to phrase was, "Look, I’m your lawyer and I really want to believe you and I can’t. And if I was dumb enough to actually fall for the BS you are peddling, you wouldn’t want me to represent you anyway." As I said, I don’t know your husband. Could it be that he is so disappointed in himself and so humiliated to be found out, and he is not used to dwelling in the land of no ethical restraints, so he just can’t stand facing what he has become? Maybe both of you could benefit from individual counseling. I wish that we had done that. It probably would have accelerated recovery.

I’m sorry you are part of this group but you will receive great support from people who truly understand your situation.

First, the cheater most often does not intend to get caught. So the lying after discovery day (Dday) is to be expected.

Second, his embarrassment or shame may be the reason he doesn’t want to talk about it.

He’s trying to sweep this under the rug and make it disappear. I can tell you that is not going to work. You, as the betrayed cannot walk around and pretend nothing happened. He BETRAYED you. That is a trauma. You are devastated and hurt.

Now this kiss may not have meant anything to him but the damage he caused to you and your marriage is significant. So he up-ended your life for either something that meant nothing OR it did mean something at the time but not now. Either way, he cannot erase what he has done.

He can show remorse and make amends and help you heal. He can get counseling to understand "why" - but it might just be he was a selfish jerk who wanted to kiss this person but never expected to get caught.

Lastly, I suggest counseling just for you. Someone who can support you through this whole nightmare. Help you decide what you need to do to help yourself to heal.

If he declines counseling for himself, you should go anyway. And he’s not in a position to tell you that this cannot be discussed - especially after only 3 months. This will take years to recover from.

He needs to understand the damage he has caused.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:41 PM, Wednesday, December 18th]

If he had a 3 month "phone relationship", he did more than kiss this woman. He had a secret relationship. That is a painful betrayal. Are you in IC? Do you have anyone to support you during this difficult time? The holidays are hard enough. Dealing with all of this on top of it is even more difficult.

It takes between 2-5 years to heal from betrayal. So 3 months is a drop in the bucket. Maybe your WS could look into some reading on how traumatic this is and the time it takes to heal.

You have to talk about it to process it and heal. He doesn't get it or doesn't want to get it.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that infidelity has touched your life. There are some posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are helpful. They've been bumped recently, so they should be near the top of the page. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a bunch of great resources.

He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a little over 100 pages but is an easy read.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialst can be helpful. Bonus points if they work with infidelity. He needs IC to work on his why's and on how to become a safe partner.

It can take 2-5 years (or longer) to heal from infidelity. It isn't linear, so there will be ups and downs. The emotional rollercoaster can pick you up and fling you around, too. For me, I was barely functional at 3 months.

Talking about it helps you process through the trauma. Repeatedly asking the same question is a trauma response. And your WH (wayward husband) doesn't get to dictate your healing.

Have you asked for a written timeline with dates, activities and feelings? He should create one for you, if you want one. Also, it's rare for a WS (wayward spouse) to disclose everything the first time. He could be lying because there's more that he hasn't told you.

I’m sorry you are in this situation but glad you found is, you’re safe here. 3 months is not even close to "getting over it". 3-5 years gets you back to close to normal, but you do not get "over it".

When a WS is defensive and wants to rug sweep, it usually means there is more to the story. It definitely means he’s not remorseful or trying to help you through it.

My WW did this for two months, she ended everything with her AP’s but was pushing hard to rug sweep. It was until I found this site and took control of my own life by implementing the 180. She came clean about the "just a kiss", and there was way more to the story. She laid it all out in a timeline and it was shocking. Like a weight was lifted It opened her eyes and she became remorseful and supportive.

You need to take the lead, 180 him and demand a timeline.

So let me get this straight - he shot you full of holes and is angry at you for bleeding.