SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those who know my story- married 25 years…post covid caught my WH in his new found hobby of prostitutes…..over a course of 3 months….Im one of the "lucky ones" no gas lighting, no trickle truth…he broke down- admitted all and immediately when on a path to healing ( IC, courses, reading, stop drinking, started exercising, full transparency ) I think we trauma bonded the first year while also trying to protect our college aged kids.

We are now at 15 months post DDay and I feel nothing. I have no desire for intimacy and just want to be left alone. I have hobbies and am involved in community activities as well as have good friends—right now I feel nothing towards him. Went to IC yesterday and she said something that stuck me— that perhaps the "amazing marriage" I had before all this- where we were both so strong and independent, wasn’t so amazing. Perhaps I was just strong enough to be the glue and the center - and now I dont want to do that anymore. My husband adores me and is so grateful Im still here, but I feel like I’m here because I simply dont want to put my family through the pain. I know it’s NOT my fault but I can’t seem to see the other side if we did separate. So I stay put and feel a bit like "I’ll take the bullet" I can handle it. I do believe I’d leave if anything happened again, Im trying to rebuild, I just realize he’s not the person I thought he was and I am disappointed.

Anyone else been here.???

I am sure more people will be along to weigh in. I am so sorry you are going through this. Many people in this forum have experienced this sort of betrayal.

I think it’s natural to desire a man (or partner) who keeps you safe—your heart, your body, your emotions. That and carrying a fair share of the household and mental load make a man attractive to me.

Maybe your pre-'A' M wasn't as good as you thought. I think a lot of our mythology leads women into the role of being the glue that keeps families together. The moment I read what you wrote I thought that my W would probably have 'taken the bullet' if I were the WS., and that wouldn't have really helped us.

Now that you know, you have a chance to change.

The POLF is part of recovery for many people. If feeling no interest in your H or M persists, that, to me, would be a sign the M is ending. But if the detachment is temporary, it's part of the ebb and flow of life.

Patience, sister. Patience.

This is my own theory. You were very content in your marriage. Until. Until you were blindsided by what your h had been doing. It caused your stability to wobble.
Our bodies are designed to keep us safe. Cortisol and adrenaline are two hormones that stay unused until they are needed. They then flood our bodies. They are so powerful because they galvanize us to freeze, run or fight. The problem with these hormones is they become toxic if the stress does not go away. Our bodies are not designed to live with fear and anger for long periods of time. What many bs live with is finding out ws double lives and then not knowing what to do…children, houses, businesses, extended families, finances etc are holding them in a stagnant place. This constant bombardment of those hormones wears the body down until you hit an emotional wall. Your brain/body is exhausted. I think that is where you are. This is the Catch 22 bs live with. There is no good solution, and yet we yearn for one to get this pain to go away. That is why you need to figure out how to survive infidelity.
You can let go of expectations and live with what you’ve got. You can use therapy for that. You can separate to see what that feels like. You can divorce. One thing you need to recognize is the intense rage running your life right now. Until it has an outlet it is wearing your body out. Yoga, exercise, gardening are all way to expend energy in healthy ways.

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Maybe your pre-'A' M wasn't as good as you thought.

Maybe your pre-'A' M wasn't as good as you thought.

Yeah - seems to be the case :(

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Yoga, exercise, gardening are all way to expend energy in healthy ways.

I am doing all that! Everything you said, I completely agree with

For me, pre affair marriage had its ebbs and flows. If I am being honest there were times he was just a member of the family, a provider, and my children’s father. It was in those times I had to work to get the feelings back. And although I always loved him, I wasn’t always in romantic

Love at all. I think it’s unrealistic post affair to think those times would cease to exist in our marriage. Unfortunately, having a marriage scarred with infidelity leads to less incentive to work through the lulls in marriage, at least for me. I have to constantly remind myself "you are here because you choose to be and think it’s the best thing for you. If you still believe that work to make it the best you can. If you don’t feel that way anymore, leave".

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 5:13 PM, Saturday, December 21st]

I have no desire for intimacy and just want to be left alone.

I was not one of the 'lucky' ones in how my WS behaved after dday, but regardless, I ended up in the same place as you around a similar time frame. I think it can take a long while (years) for us to really get through the shock, the instinctive urge to protect the attachment and stop the pain, and to process what has happened to us. It's pretty common for the feelings to fade as time goes one. That's probably why the statistics show that most attempts to reconcile fail after 2-5 years, not in the first year.

I'm a bit further along than you (2 years after dday1), and it took a bit more time to go from feeling flat to really wanting out. Maybe you'll get there, or maybe you'll rediscover your feelings after taking more time for yourself to heal.

The rose colored glasses are off. The harsh reality of your feelings cannot be ignored.

It’s unfortunate that the cheaters don’t understand the devastation a betrayal like cheating caused in your life. I’m not saying it would stop the cheating, but I believe most cheaters don’t think they will get caught. Therefore they don’t think about the consequences or outcome of what happens after they have cheated and their spouse/partner finds out.

They don’t understand the deep emotional impact the betrayed experiences.

The healing process is many years and there are typical cycles - anger, grief etc. It is almost like mourning a death - the death of the marriage you had or thought you had.

One of the things I had to accept was that he didn’t cheat b/c of anything I said or did. He cheated despite the fact that I was a very good wife and put him first constantly. My H used to tell me his friends would comment how they wished their wives were more like me - no nagging, considerate, etc.

Often the cheaters blame the betrayed. I immediately shut that down by telling my H he chose to cheat - not me. He can only blame himself for his stupid choices.

Once I freed myself from his web of blame the betrayed, I realized my H was not the person I thought he was. And I learned I am much stronger than I thought. He hides from conflict whereas I face it head on like an adult.

I used to think how lucky I was to find such a great husband. Now I think how lucky he was to have me.

And in my opinion, you should not feel like you have to take a bullet. Life is too short to waste being stuck in a marriage or relationship you no longer want to be in.

You have to let go of the guilt should you decide this M no longer works for you. You are not the cause of this - the cheater is. You are just refusing to accept a life of mediocrity.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:02 AM, Sunday, December 22nd]

but I feel like I’m here because I simply dont want to put my family through the pain. I know it’s NOT my fault but I can’t seem to see the other side if we did separate. So I stay put and feel a bit like "I’ll take the bullet" I can handle it.

That sure reads as, "I am scared to take that leap so I am going to use my family’s pain as the excuse to stay." You are in a prison you’ve built for yourself.

Maybe step up close to the other side and look over the edge. Get a consult with an attorney or two to learn about your options and outcomes. Spend time checking on the real estate and apartment market. Daydream about a different possible future. Discuss it with your kids, even.

The closer to the edge you get, the more that staying will be a choice. If you stay, it is not be cause you are trapped, it is because you choose. Remove all the barriers so that there is nothing left but your choice, you are powerful, you are in control. And never leave that place.

Sending strength!

. as, "That read as I am scared to take that leap so I am going to use my family’s pain as the excuse to stay."

Not the case. That’s your interpretation. I’m not scared. I have finances. A support system. I’m good. I am putting my kids above my self. I know that’s not ideal but I am a child of divorce and I know the pain. People telling me my kids will be ok - this is life altering. Our IC both say not necessary to give details unless we separate. They know we went thru a hard time and as I said it sucks but I don’t see another way right now. Pls don’t label me

Ok, well I’m glad I’m wrong on that. The advice still stands…

I can’t seem to see the other side if we did separate

Go take a really good look at the other side. Remove the uncertainty.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 7:07 PM, Sunday, December 22nd]

Hi S,

I understand you are trying to shield your children. And of course as moms (and dads), the betrayeds often put the children first. And often that is not a bad thing.

However I can tell you that I have good friends who D and they are friends with the Ex. The kids did not suffer - in fact they learned what a healthy relationship really is about.

I think you have to take a leap of faith in making decisions sometimes. And that leap of faith is telling yourself everything will work out, even though there are no guarantees.

I would hate to see you remain unhappy with your spouse, if deep down you know the marriage isn’t really what you want or no longer works for you.

I knew at dday2 when I realized my marriage was over — I knew I would be okay, happy and at peace.

I hope this helps you.

OTOSOH - you have nailed it for me. There is no incentive at for me now to want to save the marriage if I feel I am not getting 100% what I want all the time. Which is impossible i know but it doesn’t stop me wanting it.

Right now if im being completely honest I feel exactly like you Satya. Other than my boy and convenience I don’t know why Im staying. I just don’t see the point of staying married to a cheater. Marriage means absolutely nothing now, plus I can feel us just being exactly who we were before the A so what it’s the fucking point!

right now I feel nothing towards him.

And sometimes it doesn't come back. You will know in time.