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So last year WS made an absolute mess of our lives he had a full blown affair with a girl 14 years younger than him moved in with her and her parents for a few weeks then came back home.

Since he’s been back (3 months) he kept in contact with her that I know of till around 2 months ago. He left the company they worked for and works elsewhere. I’m pretty certain he’s not in contact anymore.

He’s trying to rug sweep everything. But his moods so low I’m not sure if he’s depressed or having a midlife crisis. He hates his new job keeps on about how he has nothing. He was a gym guy really attractive and since hasn’t been in the gym he’s really let himself go.

We had a big family young, he provides well, we are not rich or poor but are in a good position, we have debt like a lot of people that could easily be cleared off in 2-3 years max. but has now said he regrets having so many kids not our actual kids he loves them but wishes he had planned his future properly out.

I’m at fault for his affair because he didn’t feel I appreciated him, that’s basically what he thinks. I’ve really tried with him the last few weeks but I’m just not getting anything in return from him. He keeps saying to just let him get on with it and it will fall into place.

I’m not sure if he’s having some kind of midlife crisis or he’s depressed? Is this a result of the affair he had?

Any experience? I’m at my wits end with him now I’m ready to walk out but am still concerned for his mental health

I've read your other threads and your husband is not a safe partner. I think he's just going to continue to manipulate you for as long as you continue to let him.

I’m at fault for his affair because he didn’t feel I appreciated him, that’s basically what he thinks.

Nuh-uh. No. Nope. Things like this are why I say he's not a safe partner. He's at fault for the affair. Did you put a gun to his head and tell him he has no other choice but to sleep with a co worker? You need to stop worrying about his feelings and start focusing on you and your kids. Speaking of which...

he regrets having so many kids

Seriously? It sounds to me like he wants to blame everyone but himself for his problems (or what he perceives as problems. Your kids are not a "problem.").

ETA: I stopped typing because I'm on the verge of using a 2×4, but I also understand the pain and frustration you're feeling right now, so I'll not do that. That said, you need to stop enabling his behavior. What he did was unforgivable, and he went above and beyond to include so many aggravating factors.

It frustrates me to read the things he's said and done to you. That frustration is because I care. I care about you and what he's put you through. I think you need to pull a hard 180 and file for divorce.

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:44 AM, Thursday, January 22nd]

Missmee,

Pogre told already what you need to hear.

I can only add this:

Believe this is the overwhelming majority of, if not the totality of the betrayals.
The wayward partner always blames the betrayed partner for his/her choices.

And while we may have had issues within the relationship and you can believe it caused some trigger into the wayward partner, we didn’t choose the betrayal, we still chose them and to work out the issues.

They did not choose their partner, they choose validation and sex from another person.

Because in the end, you didn’t have a choice at all, your partner took it away from you, and now blames you for their choices that destroyed your life

Missmee,

My guess is that he’s missing her, and his other life.

He’s still in limerance, the affair fog, whatever.

He’ll get over that, eventually.

Sucks, I know.

Best wishes.

Nothing he did is in any way your fault or responsibility. We are all the only ones responsibility for our behavior.

You need to set very clear and firm boundaries. Refuse to entertain the idea that any of his choices and actions are your fault. Tell him exactly what you need for reconciliation, if that is what you want. Then, grey rock until he gets it together.

I would give him a time limit. He needs to be NC with the OW and anyone associated with her. He needs to get into IC. He needs to take full responsibility.

Have you read, "How to help your spouse recover from your affair"? (I think that's the full correct title.) It's in the resources on this site. You and he need to both read and implement it.

Missmee,

I agree with Pogre and other posters. All great advice and the right perspective.

I was in your shoes when my H ended his last affair (for a few weeks). He was MISERABLE to be around. He blamed me for everything and like an absolute idiot, I allowed him to manipulate me.

Basically he had me auditioning for the role of his wife. Comparing me to the OW. I had major stress knowing how his mind worked and thinking am I funny enough? Interesting enough? How do I measure up?

It was horrible. I was trying to be the one who lifted his mood (because he was miserable after losing her) and while also being blamed for everything.

Lesson learned. A few months later (when his affair resumed and I found out) I stopped being his support system. He got nothing from me.

I no longer cared what he thought b/c I planned to D him.

In your case, your husband is having an emotional crisis b/c he misses the OW and really wants to be with her. He resents where he is now b/c in his mind, you & kids are standing in the way of HIS happiness.

Let him suffer. That is all you can do. Start the 180 and emotionally detaching from him. You need to protect yourself. And he’s not the guy you married — he’s now morphed into someone you hardly recognize and you really have nothing to work with here.

He’s not safe. He’s not looking to R. He’s looking to continue to blame you and torture you with his lies and finger pointing.

Sadly he’s with you for very selfish reasons.

And when you turn your back on him, it will show him that you are not going to accept his lies and cheating and disrespect. That is what the 180 does. It sets a boundary.

I hope this helps you.

Thank you for the messages. I know I’m not to blame for his affair as much as he wants to blame me. He’s just proven what a weak person he is. I thought at least by now he would have shown some decency hold his hands up and taken responsibility for his own actions.

I know this chapter of my life is fully closed it’s just how and when I get to the next chapter.

I thought the mood swings could be because he isn’t with OW. Then I wondered if it was guilt. He seems to say the correct things but then will totally back tracks or his actions show otherwise.

I’ve noticed they can’t seem to replace him at his last company, I’m hoping he can go back there and go back to the OW! That way he’s not my problem anymore! Looking back now I wish I’d of just walked away the first time I found out and just cut all contact gone through court pre the kids and everything else.

I mentioned in another post about the short phone calls and I wonder now if it was him trying to get back with her and she was having none of it?

Anyway I’m going to keep on here for strength and a reminder that this is just a stage where eventually I will be free from it all!

Thanks again all

He's miserable because him and his "girlfriend" broke up, and given up on taking care of himself because he no longer has this younger woman to impress.

Now allow me to translate a few nuggets of his bullshit:

but has now said he regrets having so many kids not our actual kids he loves them but wishes he had planned his future properly out.

Translation: "I want to run off and be single but, unfortunately, I can't abandon my wife and kids without looking like a huge asshole and paying out my ass in child support and, possibly, alimony."

I’m at fault for his affair because he didn’t feel I appreciated him, that’s basically what he thinks. I’ve really tried with him the last few weeks but I’m just not getting anything in return from him. He keeps saying to just let him get on with it and it will fall into place.

Translation: "Shut up, accept the blame for my failure as a husband and a father, and don't hold me accountable for anything. Just be grateful that you're sharing oxygen with me."

Missmee, fuck that noise!

Tell your husband that if he wants to sit shiva for the OW, then he can do it somewhere else. If he's so unhappy with you as a wife and the choices that you made together to build your family, then he has no place in your home or as your husband. Tell him that he can be free to find his bliss as a single man, if that's what he wants.

But if he is going to remain married to you and live under your roof, then he needs to pull his shit together, take accountability for his actions, and do some serious work to rebuild your relationship.

If he's unwilling and unable to do that, then he can fuck right off back to OW's mama's house... because you and your kids deserve better than this bullshit.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:44 PM, Friday, January 23rd]

I’m going to reiterate this again.

His actions do not equal his words. 🚩🚩🚩

BluerThanBlue made some excellent points and explained his behavior perfectly.

I see you really have insight into who and what he is. That’s a great point for you to decide what YOU want / need and how you view your future.

One thing I did say to my H when I told him I was left with no choice but to D him was that as far I was concerned, he was free to go and be with the OW (or anyone else). I no longer considered it cheating.

I meant it too. I chose to remove myself from his drama and chaos he created. I think you have reached the same place and are no longer invested in the drama.

But where do you go from here? What is your plan?

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:10 PM, Saturday, January 24th]

See I’m glad I’ve posted because everything I think and get from what he’s saying you all confirm that I’m thinking the correct way.

I packed him a bag yesterday and asked him to leave. He don’t leave I asked him to leave today, I told him I can’t look at him the same anymore, this ended in a tit for tat argument. Anyway he left with his bag but ended up coming back, he has said he’s staying at a hotel but I’m certain he has no intention of going.

I’m tired of playing his games now. I’ve done as you all suggested told him I’m not interested anymore and he’s welcome to go and pretend he’s in his twenties living in a bedroom. They are both welcome to each other!

Good for you! Stay strong, Missmee. He's put you through enough as it is. He needs a good dose of the 180 from here on out. Don't let his moping and "poor me" routine influence you. Now is the time for him to see a new Missmee. One that is strong and resistant to his antics.

I’m tired of playing his games now. I’ve done as you all suggested told him I’m not interested anymore and he’s welcome to go and pretend he’s in his twenties living in a bedroom. They are both welcome to each other!

Love this!

You are now setting boundaries and making him aware he’s no longer welcome in your home with his lies, cheating, "poor me" victim mentality.

He’s now seeing he has lost control. He can no longer dictate to you how things are going to be.

He’s going to possibly become more difficult to deal with BUT this is going to be the moment you take some of your power back. By being assertive and taking action and making decisions in your best interest, you are taking steps to protect yourself and set boundaries.

I think you made some really important decisions and are taking steps to move forward with building a life w/out the lying cheating jerk dragging you down.

You Rock!