SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’d really appreciate perspective from people who’ve lived through long-term infidelity on either side.

I’m approaching 12 months since D-Day. My husband had a long, sustained pattern of serial cheating—mostly transactional arrangements through a sugar-dating site.

The first 5 months since dday were chaotic: trickle truths, shame collapses, defensiveness, and fractured understanding of the harm. Things shifted around July 2025 when I found the Minwalla program. It finally gave structure to what I’d lived through—gaslighting, emotional neglect, villainization, and integrity abuse. It also confronted him with the full reality in a way nothing else had.

Since then, he has been doing the work:
• completed all 3 Minwalla programs
• weekly CSAT therapy
• joined a men’s support group
• documented his behaviors and their impact
• no rationalizations left
• listens to my pain without withdrawing

But there are also meaningful gaps that keep me unsure:
• His attunement is inconsistent—some days present, some days frozen.
• He operates from fear: fear of saying the wrong thing, fear of failing.
• Because of this fear, he can be passive or what sometimes feels like lack of warmth so sometimes I feel warmth, sometimes I sense fear
• Emotional expression is limited—even when effort is sincere.
• Some changes only began after I found the right programs and pushed for structure.

My deeper struggle:
He was the person I trusted most, and he chose this path repeatedly for years—including during some of the hardest periods of my life. As the betrayal escalated, so did the detachment and meanness. now, part of me wonders if I can ever see him as more than those behaviors.

I also feel torn:
One part of me sees effort and wants to believe change is possible.
The other part keeps saying, "I know what he’s capable of and it’s terrifying"

I want to make decisions with clarity, not out of fear or hope alone.

For those who’ve been here:

• If you were a serial cheater who truly changed, what flipped the switch?
• Betrayed spouses who stayed — did attunement ever become consistent? Did you reach a point where you could see them beyond their worst behaviors?
• Betrayed spouses who left — what helped you realize it was time?
• How did you weigh genuine effort against a long history of betrayal and neglect?

I’m making decisions for myself and my kids, and I want to hear honest experiences—from either direction.

Thanks in advance

I’m sorry you have been impacted by betrayal and affairs etc. I am hoping my story can help you in some small way.

My H had 2 affairs. First was a 4 year EA that I now believe may have been more than an EA. 15 years later he had a typical midlife crisis affair and he was kicking me to the curb for the much younger her woman. For six months all I heard (during the 2nd affair) was how he didn’t want to be married, how rotten I was (never heard this before) etc.

By the end of the six months I knew I had to D him. I had no other choice. That was my plan. But somehow in 30 days he managed to turn it around and we have happily reconciled. It’s been 13 years since his affair and we are lucky to have remained together.

That’s my back story. Reconciliation was very difficult the first 3 years as I had doubts. Couldn’t trust it. Kept waiting for the other shoe to drop or him to give up. Here’s what I learned:

1. I had to heal myself. The cheating spouse/partner can only do so much - the rest was on me.

2. I financially protected myself. Demanded a post nup that split certain assets up ensured I wasn’t going to left fighting for $.

3. I developed my own life apart from him. My own social circle (women) that we do things together. I started my own business. It’s been rather successful so it keeps me busy.

4. I learned who I am. I had no intention of R as I was done with him & marriage. I fought against myself the first year to R as I really intended to D. But I decided that no matter what came my way, I was ready for it. So I stopped being afraid and started being brave.

5. I learned to put myself first. Not him or kids or marriage. But myself.

6. I stopped caring so much about other people’s opinions.

7. I learned how to stand my ground and stop being a doormat. I stopped giving in when I didn’t want to. I no longer caved or gave in to his manipulation when he wanted his own way.

8. I learned how to win disagreements w/out yelling or having a big fight. I remain calm. I don’t allow my emotions to get the better of me (mostly). I learned how to shut down a conversation going nowhere by ending the interaction - leave the room, say nothing etc.

9. I learned to rely on my smarts and instincts. I learned how to rely on myself and face a crisis and make smart decisions.

10. Counseling saved my sanity during his last affair and helped me to consider Reconciliation.

I hope this helps you. Only YOU can decide if R is for you. And it’s perfectly okay to try R but decide a year or two from now the marriage no longer works and you have to end it. Reconciliation is not a lifetime commitment. It’s a commitment to try and restore the trust and love and respect you once had. It will never be the same but it should bring you happiness.

Only you know if you can R. For some people cheating is a dealbreaker. Period. No sense in wasting time if that is you.

Also there are some good books. How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is an excellent read. Your H may want to read it.

There are forums here for groups like serial cheaters and sex addicts etc that might be good fits for you as well.

There is also a Healing Library here that can help you with links to articles etc.

Neva,

As a betrayed husband, I am reluctant to answer your question, as I believe that how and why men and women cheat, and how men and women respond to being cheated on, can be very different.

So my answer may not be helpful, or perhaps, even harmful.

But maybe not, so here goes.

Sometime after my cheating wive’s long-term affair with a co-worker came to light, I told her that as far as I was concerned, she had left me for another man, and never returned. She continued to live with me because she was stuck with me.

I was right.

It has never gotten better.

BUT, but, but:

Many therapists, experts say that when wives cheat, they have left the relationship, left the marriage, and they don’t come back.

Certainly my experience.

But those same experts say it can be different for cheating husbands, that, often, cheating husbands remain very much in love with their wives and have no desire to leave the marriage.

So, do you believe your husband loves you? Do you love him? If so, and there are children, give reconciliation a chance. Don’t expect quick results. It may take years for you to feel safe. Many will say that serial cheaters are the hardest to cure.

If the love is gone, harder call. I’m a proponent of staying together for the kids, if you can be friends. And arranged marriages often work; people can learn to love.

Best wishes.