SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not really sure where to start with this one.

I guess maybe some context...My daughter and I have established a tradition of going on a hiking/camping/road trip adventure every summer; we started when she was just 2 (and much easier to carry on my back.) We had such a nice time that first trip that my H suggested we do it every year. So we are doing that.

I remember pretty shortly after DDay wondering if it would ever be acceptable to go on another trip alone with our daughter. The advice I received was to focus on recovery at the moment and worry about things like that later... Well, three-quarters of a year passed, spring rolled around, and I got the green light from my H to go again. (And I don't know if he just thought it would be fine and maybe it really isn't, or if he just didn't want to tell me not to go, or if he didn't want to deprive our daughter of the experiences, or if it was a secret test that I failed, or what. But he did say I could go.)

The problem is, these trips take a ton of research and planning to execute smoothly and make them enjoyable and safe, especially with a child in tow. This summer really snuck up on me and I was super busy with what seemed like 100 other things-- chicken illnesses, hosting our daughter's birthday party, additional training for my job that also required traveling and arranging childcare... And so I never got around to planning the trip. My previously-estranged paternal grandmother, who lives on the opposite side of the country from us, was pressuring me to come and visit, and I told her we would at the end of June. I was already scrambling to prepare for the birthday party at the beginning of the month, and then the dates for the next time I have to travel for my job got moved around, and all of the sudden my window for this trip was rapidly closing. And of course, H was anxious because I hadn't pinned down a plan yet.

So on the 15th, I did a full day of my usual responsibilities, and then after I put my daughter to bed (I'm just going to call her T), I sat down on my computer and planned the whole trip in one fell swoop. It took me literally all night; I just simply did not go to bed. The 16th was spent on childcare, preparing the chicken run for easy care, doing like a month's worth of laundry at the laundromat (because our dryer was broken and H was trying to fix it, but it turns out it's not really fixable), and packing. I intended to clean the house as well, since it was trashed (as it becomes if I focus on other things instead of cleaning for more than a day), but I was just out of energy by that point. The morning of the 17th, I woke up early to finalize the packing and managed to do some picking up between dealing with T, at least, and then it was time to leave for our flight across the country.

I remember my H being kind of sulky that morning, and I asked him if he was okay and what was up, expecting him to be upset for infidelity-related reasons. He told me that it seems like I had somehow "made things worse." I prompted him to elaborate and he was like, "Well, before I at least had dry dirty clothes I could put on. Now I just have a basket full of damp clothes that I can't wear and a dirty house." (I was using like 7 washers at once at the laundromat and I forgot about the one with a load of his clothing in it, and then I ran out of time to get it all the way dry, because I had to leave to take T to her jiujitsu lesson. But I did get some of his laundry done. He had clothing to wear. And the house was objectively cleaner than it was two days prior, even if it was still pretty bad.) I just stood there with my mouth half open because I couldn't believe he just said that, after what I just went through trying to make things better for him. In my head I was saying all kinds of curse words, but I just neutrally pointed out to him that he did, in fact, have clean clothing to wear. I apologized for not getting to that one load and to the rest of the cleaning before I had to leave.

So, we went away, and he's half-assing the chicken care again and claiming he's "doing his best." And I'm sort of thinking to myself that if I come home to any of my birds dead because he wanted to punish me or have himself a little protest or whatever, I think that'd be the end of our romantic relationship, because my chickens are like the greatest joy I have in my life right now (Sorry T) and it feels an awful lot like he's trying to sabotage the things that are just mine which bring me joy... But I didn't say that to him; I just stressed the importance of the tasks and asked him to please ensure they were done, because the birds and I are depending on him. I thanked him when he said he did them (though I have a hard time believing him after what happened the last couple times and I expect they'll be in pretty bad shape when I get back.)

Cell service out here is spotty, so when I could, I texted him that I love and miss him a couple times. I didn't realize til we got to a major city where coverage is good that he hadn't responded. I asked him if he was mad at me. He said he was struggling with the house being the way it was, and that he "didn't know how to talk to me about it" (idk what was wrong with the last several times he talked to me about it where we heard each other's feelings and brainstormed solutions, but I guess he conveniently forgot about those positive interactions ) I told him I'd clean really well upon my return, but he said he planned to be done cleaning everything by the time I got back. And I think that I should be grateful that he's cleaning, but all I can think about is the house getting messy again while I'm dealing with the million other things on my plate and him throwing a fit about it. And it's like, he acts so put-upon when he does any sort of housework, but I never ask him to do anything around the house. Like he could just leave it and I'll get to it eventually, or he could clean and not be mad about it. We talked about it several times. But he's not picking either of those options...

So in response I just gave him tips for how I usually accomplish the cleaning and how I make it more tolerable. He did not reply.

You guys told me he may just be acting out because of his feelings surrounding my infidelity, and I'm taking that into consideration. But he also still won't talk about it, and whenever I bring it up, his mood darkens. It darkens when I don't bring it up too, and doesn't get any better when I try to figure out what's wrong. How tf am I supposed to be supportive ?

I'm at the point where like, everything I do seems to be wrong. I told my therapist (that H was very insistent I see) I'm juggling so many balls and I feel like I'm dropping all of them. She told me to focus on one at a time. So I've been doing that, and the result is a house that alternates between very messy (from the days I'm focused on other balls), and very clean. But H doesn't remember the days where it's clean.

I'm also told that I need to value myself for who I am, not what I do for other people, and that means having things in my life that are for me, to create and feel joy and find meaning outside of servitude as a wife and a mother. But I feel like H doesn't want me to have or spend time on any of those things. He also wants me to spend all weekend with him, except for when he has to catch up on work, and then I'm on child care duty alone, whether I need to catch up on my stuff or not. But apparently his stuff "always" gets put on the back burner and he "never" gets to tend to lingering tasks.

I'm trying to get a business degree so I can make some income and relieve some of his financial stress when T gets older and goes off to school full time, which H said he supports, but when it comes time for me to sit down and focus on my schoolwork, suddenly it's a problem because I'm not focused on housework and family time.

Nothing is right. Nothing is ever just "good enough," not even when I'm doing my best. Which sounds awfully fucking familiar, doesn't it? I don't think the "not good enough" messages are just coming from my inner critic, either. And I'm thinking, maybe I just need to stop giving a fuck what he thinks or does for a while, and continue working on my self-development, and he can just deal with it. Maybe I pull a 180 and if he wants to actually talk about his feelings like a big boy, we can do that. (I know I'm sounding really mean and callous here, but please notice, I'm not saying these things to him. My responses have been pretty measured, especially compared to what I'm thinking.)

Hiya,

I don’t have much time now, I will try and articulate more later.

[sorry I deleted my original message, as I realised I may have gone off topic and just reacted to things that were triggering for me]

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 10:02 AM, Saturday, June 20th]

GotTheMorbs,

So I didn't read through all of your post. But hey, yeah I get it. I'm sorry that you are struggling. I'll be honest with my opinion as a 60+ yr old woman who chose advanced degrees, a career, a marriage, and a life that would allow me to always have independent financial and other options.

You can certainly 180 your husband. Are you prepared for him to divorce you and the consequences? His implied bargain and contract in your marriage is that he makes $350K+, you make almost nothing; and in return for his providing the household income you are expected to take on the majority of the responsibility for childcare, housekeeping, and cooking. You're also expected to provide a homelife quality and a romantic relationship and to do that to a certain standard that he accepts.

Frankly, I don't quite understand what you thought the relationship would be when you entered into it. I don't understand what you expect to change it into either.

You can put your metaphorical foot down and demand things change and a new agreement of your marriage is reached. He may agree to that or not. Or you can wait it out while you gather your financial out.

I'm not complaining that I'm responsible for the housework and most of the childcare. I like being a SAHM. But I also have a job (which is supposed to only be 2 days a month but amounts to much more work than that because I have to do things for it outside of it as well, including maintaining a high degree of physical fitness, seeking educational opportunities, and generally building a good "resume" so that I can get promoted. If I don't promote within a certain amount of time, then I'll be forced out of the job, and we'll lose our health insurance, and then it'll be an additional expense that H is responsible for.)We have 7.5 acres of land that I'm trying to care for and turn into something that will feed our family and provide privacy from our new, increasingly rude and intrusive neighbors. We have dogs and the chickens (who are pets, but also a food source and probably eventually a minor income source, once the juvenile pullets start laying and the rare breed of cockerel I have reaches breeding age) which need caring for. We have a ND 5 year old who needs attention and un-cleans about as fast I can clean... That's a lot to take care of. Some things go undone for a few days at a time while I prioritize other things, but they get done. I feel like other SAHMs get online degrees, have friends, and spend time on their hobbies, so why can't I?

Sometimes when H is stressed about finances, it seems like he thinks I'm a mooch who doesn't do anything all day. So like, I'm trying to eventually make money and contribute that way too, but there are intermediate steps to doing that... And he wants the house to stay really, really clean constantly, and for me to be available to spend every minute with him that he's not working, which I could do... If I were to sacrifice my job duties, hobbies, physical fitness, focus on our daughter, any chance of making friends ever again, etc. Which I don't think aligns with my roadmap for resolving my deeper "whys." Some of the reasons why my AP was so alluring in the first place was because I was desperate for social interaction, and I thought I'd made a friend who was actually interested in me as a whole person. He didn't have exactly the same hobbies and interests as me, but he would ask me questions about them, encourage me, and talk with me for hours at a time. I felt good about myself with him, not like my best wasn't good enough, the way I often feel at home.

So fixing the "whys" should theoretically include:

- Raising my own self esteem
- being a whole, multi faceted person that I can be proud of and find interesting
- Taking good care of myself
- making space for hobbies and social interaction
- rejecting thoughts of not being good enough
- work on eliminating co dependency

So that's why I'm considering a 180. I want to stop being so anxious over H's feelings and trying so hard to figure them out when he is so stubbornly refusing to share them with me. I want to dismiss the behavior of his that ignores the things I do accomplish and tells me I'm not good enough. If the house isn't clean half the time, it's because I'm busy parenting and developing myself and doing other things for our family, and it's not my goddamn fault if he can't see that. I can't make him change, either.

And if he wants to divorce me over that, then so be it, I guess. I don't really want to be with someone who can't allow me to be myself.

The 180 is a last ditch effort to detach.

Your H seems to say that he'll clean up in your absence. Why doesn't he help when you're there?

If your H makes $350K annually, do you need to use a laundromat? Can you not engage a cleaning service?

What you need IMO is one or more discussions with the aim of coming to an agreement about household chores, not the 180.

Maybe I need to detach a little.

He doesn't clean while I'm home because it's my responsibility. He comes home from work and he's tired, so if he wants to park himself on the couch and watch TV, that's what he does. And I'm okay with that because I know he works hard... I just don't know why he doesn't understand that I work hard too, so I should be allowed to spend time on myself. And it's like, any time that he's doing the childcare alone, or he's doing housework, he thinks it's difficult, exhausting, and a lot of work. But somehow that doesn't translate into "My wife does this all the time. It makes sense that she's exhausted and doesn't get to everything everyday." I feel like he thinks if he cleans the house, it should magically stay that way, and if it doesn't it's because I don't care enough not to trash it. Like he takes it getting messy again as a personal insult and a waste of his effort. He doesn't understand that it takes literal constant maintenance... Last time I went away he got the house in great shape, and I kept it like that for about 2 weeks afterwards... But I also fell two weeks behind on my schoolwork, spent virtually no time with my daughter, didn't exercise, and my chickens' living quarters fell into disrepair.

Our dryer broke and he was trying to fix it up until the day before the trip, rather than buying a new one right away. There was a ton of dirty clothing and it would have been super expensive to have all of it done by someone else, and because I planned the trip like less than 48 hours before we departed for it, there wouldn't have been enough turn around time anyway even if we shelled out the money for a laundry service.

ETA: I asked him a while ago to sit down with me and come up with objective, achievable standards so that there weren't any misunderstandings about what's feasible or shifting goalposts, and he said he would and then we never did. I was waiting for him to bring it up again, but he didn't.

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 6:14 PM, Saturday, June 20th]