SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree on the shock. I think dday2 has been worse on me than 1. As much as it is the last straw for me, due in part to many of the reasons mentioned by posters here regarding her lack of any remorse, continued disrespect and devaluing by asking for permission for fking this guy, it’s the LIES that seem to really be bothering me.

Considering it was my last straw, why do I care about the continued lies, the trickle truth etc. I do care and that’s the problem, I’m deep in the "discovery"/"detective" mode again but then I find myself thinking why am I even doing this.

Example…. I came home from work at 3am and I grabbed her phone my her bedside table and went looking through it. Of course she comments "you’re not gonna find anything". She has become great at cleaning up any crumbs now. But she lied about them being in contact almost daily since dday1 which until dday2 she told me there was no
Contact. It’s infuriating to be honest. I feel this constant need to catch her in more lies, but what the hell is the point and how do I mentally break myself from that.

Right after Christmas, separation papers are going to the lawyers. Trust twice broken in the worst way imaginable one month apart (those are only the occasions that I know of) but can’t ever see regaining.

So again why am I doing this and why do I care. I’m so angry with her and also so angry with myself

Because you love her..or who you thought she was...or her before her friend poisoned her. One more thought...if you want to try a true intervention....spill everything to parents. Maybe they would be able to stop her from destroying herself and your family.

Well your prefrontal cortex says you are done but your heart and amygdola (sp? I'll just say 'lizard brain') still just didn't get the message. You need to be separated from your evil shrew-lady for you to start to heal. In particular you can't keep seeing her comings and goings to start.

Woodthrush, after having reached out to her sisters and filling them in, they have since taken it upon themselves to let her parents know. My Father in Law is pissed and has requested to speak with her in person. This conversation is taking place this afternoon. Do I expect much to come from it???? not really but at least maybe she will be held to account for some of her actions by someone other than me, and given some perspective.

On the bright side, whether she and I work out at all is irrelevant to this part, she mentioned to me today that is going to seek some mental health evaluation and assistance regarding potential disorders or changes in meds. Her being healthy is important even if we are apart.

It is very hard to just stop living someone.

That being said at dday2 I was done being reasonable with my cheating husband.

I understand your position about checking the phone for contact. It just irks the daylights out of you w/ the lying and cheating.

However, for me, at dday2 I told my H that unfortunately our marriage was over (due to his lying and continued cheating) and he was free to be with the other woman (or anyone rose he chose to be with.

I just did not care. My "give a damn" meter had ceased functioning.

Maybe for you, you keep hoping that she will change. I suggest reading up on the 180 to protect yourself — just in case she doesn’t change.

That is great Marty....glad to hear. The mental health evaluation ...great, but my opinion....absolute NO CONTACT with that guy or that swinger friend....that is if she wants any hope to redeem the marriage.

If she has to quit her job. ..big deal ...she can go work at any of the 1,000 places looking for help. Sure she might take pay cut. ..but are you and marriage worth it. Good job calling sisters. Hope you did gave them the reality of where she is at.

Keep us posted.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 11:20 PM, Saturday, December 21st]

Update…..well her evil friend has convinced her that she hasn’t ruined anyone’s lives, "they are grown men" but no account given to our kids.

So she is moving out Boxing Day. Which is good but shows her lack of fucks given to the kids.

Seems like she is leaning to them living with me primarily and she could see them occasionally. I’m more than ok with having them all the time. They are the best thing to have happened to me I’d keep em 100% if I could.

What a 2 month fall from what I thought was a happy marriage.

Martyt I’m sorry to read this.

However it just shows how deep into the affair fog she is. The kids will at least be with a stable parent so that is at least something you don’t have to worry about.

But you need to be prepared for when reality hits. In case it does not work out for her and she decides she wants to return home.

I don’t know what your position will be, I’m just suggesting you need to be prepared for it. You don’t have to take her back or allow her to move back in if you don’t think it’s in the best interest of your kids (or you).

You may want to get legal advice to see if custody needs to be in writing. A legal document can help you if she decides to change her mind and suddenly wants to make changes to your agreement.

Again so sorry for you. She has now even tainted the holidays with her selfishness.

The1stWife ....good input.

Marty...how did the talk go with her Dad and sisters? Similar to what The1stWife said please get things documented. Truly get stuff legally in place.

I am not sure if you know this, but that lifestyle can truly lead to abhorrent behaviors and it could consume her to the point of utter neglect of children if they are in her care. Also....she could get mixed up with men who are child predators. Really, once you go down that dark, open, swapping lifestyle....it only gets more perverse. Example proof ....she asked her husband to rent her hotel so she could have sex with another man.....think of that. If she can do that...what else can she do?

So as I said before...PROTECT THOSE KIDS....legally. And protect your heart.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 12:55 PM, Monday, December 23rd]

Can we be clear on one statement that might be misunderstood as fact and IMHO borders on breaking the no generalization guideline AND is offensive to those that have reconciled:

ALMOST EVERY BH who stays with his WW ends up feeling like the henpecked husband.

This is only the opinion of that poster. An opinion the poster is free to have, and fits very well in with his proclaimed goal of:

My one goal on here is to convince BHs away from making a decision that will ruin tye rest of their lives, such as staying with a woman who has already proven herself severely disloyal.

Personally, I find this offensive for the numerous contributors here on SI who have or are in reconciliation. The "AMOST EVERY" doesn’t really cut it for me...

--

Not that it matters in this instance. You aren’t being offered any reasonable path to reconciliation.

What you need to decide IMHO is what you accept and what you expect from a marriage.

Let me outline it a bit:
You COULD decide to turn a blind eye to your wife’s dalliances. You could pretend to believe her when she’s working overtime, comes home smelling of after-shave and alcohol and all that. Chances are that within 2 years this affair will be over, and then it’s maybe a 2/3 chance she won’t stray again. Or... maybe she and OM decide that they want to marry or whatever. Anyways – for that period you would remain "married" and there is a good chance you would eventually end in a marriage with your wife where she no longer gets these needs met elsewhere...
This would NOT be something I would accept. This does not line up with MY views and expectations of marriage. But it is something plenty of people do. Some intentionally (using all sorts of terms like open marriage, silent acceptance or whatever), and some through inaction (I know of his/her affair and I’m only staying until... (and that until never happens...)).

But... I’m not you. You might be willing to accept this AND it is an option.

I mention this as an option because I don’t want you to think you don’t have any. You do. You have several. It’s then a question of what option aligns best with your health, values and ways forward. It’s my experience and view that we always have options, and once we realize that and can base our choices on realistic options we can then possibly find more happiness within our choice. Not saying the options are always "good" – but we can possibly find the least bad option, and from there move to a better one and so on and on.

To reconcile you need several things – mainly four:
YOU need to want to R
SHE needs to want to R
YOU need to be ready to do the work
SHE needs to be ready to do the work

This is like a four-piece puzzle that simply doesn’t work if pieces are missing. As-is at least 2 pieces are missing.

So what options are you left with?
How does the one about allowing her to have affairs sound?

It’s your call – personally I couldn’t do it... BUT if you decide to go that path... accept that it’s your choice to do so and your decision. Stop being unhappy about it – YOU decided to go there.

If not (and I hope you can’t accept that path...) then realize, embrace and behave as if you only have the path of getting out of THIS relationship.

I will refer to my last post on your situation. At that point you two were already decided on divorce. Again – having seen so many instances here on SI the fallback to trying to save things doesn’t surprise me, but she so blatantly went back to her old tricks...

Right now, your wife is doing her severance period. She’s been fired, and all that’s left is the formal termination of the job. If you will – the calculation of due pay, unused holidays and severance pay.
If you were firing someone for a bad job – for missing deadlines and being late to work and all that – why would you expect them to do a good job for the last days of work?
You are divorcing her... Why are you expecting her to become all nice and warm and considerate?
She’s been fired... get her out of your life to the greatest extent you can and as soon as you can. I know there is some timeframe and some need to interact due to the kids, but being the best coparents you can does not require you remain in infidelity with her.

Add to that: where is she moving to on Boxing Day? Why not now? Think it will be easier for the kids to be told on Christmas that moms leaving? Might be better to get it over with and maybe they find some childish joy on Christmas morning.
Let people know. Like tell your family that she is moving out on the 26th, and that it’s due to her having decided that she wants to remain in her infidelity. Why do this? A couple of reasons... I think this date was set by her to maintain some pressure, to keep you in line. Some sort of emotional chicken. If you accept it as Gospel that she’s moving out, accept it and start working with it... it puts the onus on her to stick to her threat. It means you are no longer staring at her, battling who is first to blink. While she stares, you are simply getting on with life based on the reality its dealing with.

Detach as much as you can. Return the nice personal gift you got her and give her a toaster for her new apartment. Stop asking her where she is going and what she’s doing. It’s of no concern of yours. Tell her that you are going out this evening so she needs to tend to the kids. Go to a movie or take a 2 hour walk, just get away from her. Bring home some packing boxes... whatever... just make the situation she has chosen reality.

Irrespective of her response YOU keep up the pressure of divorce. YOU get her terms, contact a solicitor, file the documents and all that. The only thing that could make you consider slowing down might be if she offered the two missing pieces of the puzzle. Who knows – at that time maybe YOU wont be willing to bring along your two pieces.

Don’t focus on revenge, anger, consequences and all that nonsense. The consequences are that she will lose this marriage and the life you two could possibly create. The anger should be directed towards getting out, and that divorce will be based on what your area/country/state says it should be. The revenge is something you might never realize or experience, but that’s maybe 5-10 years from now when she is told by the kids that you were the better parent, or when she looks at her past and regrets having lost you. Your revenge is living a good life without her.

also so angry with myself

Anger is usually about needs not being met, a boundary being broken. Listen deeper to your anger with self, you’ll hear about what you need, what you need to give yourself now. Try not to self-recriminate, treat your anger as an energy that can be (needs to be) expended and discharged in healthy pursuits. Read up on self care, there’s lots of ideas out there for that, it’s not about long baths and pampering oneself, it’s about self compassion and self nurture. What does that look like for you?

So again why am I doing this and why do I care.

You care probably because you are empathic, and you want to find a 'reason' for this behaviour. You may well be looking for the mythical beast, Closure, but you will never find that from your WW. You can only find that within yourself.

I’m so angry with her and also so angry with myself

Anger at the wayward is normal and expected, as betrayal is not easy to get over. The person had gained your trust, into your inner self, then turn around and break that trust.

You may well be angry at yourself because you feel used, that you were conned. That a person so close to you broke you, and that you let it happen. Well, little hint, it is not your fault that they managed to fool you. You had given them a precious gift which they treated it with contempt.