@Bulcy
Yes, I was generally thinking that I will not be unfaithful again.
But I do understand what you mean. There will be a lot of pressure on me, I will be continuously scrutinized by the BW. Anything I say or do can and will be used against me, so to speak.
Indeed, you did mention the book in your first reply, sadly I could not acquire it yet. I will be able to get it starting next month.
Semantics were a real issue soon after D-day; I couldn't fully understand how important using specific words was to my BW (i.e. beautiful instead of not ugly, etc.) but I am past that now. I will try to be specific with everything I tell my BW.
Thank you for your kind words and your support.
@MrCleanSlate
It was very difficult for me to accept that G was not who I think she was. BW really had to go through hundreds upon hundreds of messages, dissect them, try to have me see it from a different perspective. It was a difficult journey, but BW was successful, despite my early resistance.
Just to make something clear. What I write here is for the good folks to read and process, to track my development, and advise accordingly. It is not addressed to my BW. I am trying to ignore the fact that she might be reading this.
Anyway, my BW already knows the essence of most that I try to tell here.
With that being out of the way, I felt the need to explain my new stance regarding G, especially since I was almost idolizing her mere 10 days ago. It was not my intention to divert the culpability towards G.
Yes, I've been going through the timeline back and forth. I already have the structure: a complete online conversation spanning 6 years. Now, I am filling the void.
I know that all of you are only trying to open my eyes to certain things, even though some of the replies might seem intimidating at first glance. I understand now what Bulcy meant by saying that some new posters leave very quickly when the reality of some responses hits home. But I am not disheartened, on the contrary, each opposing opinion is an opportunity for more personal growth.
@MrsWalloped
Why did you choose to have an affair?
What were you looking for?
I am trying to find out. By writing how I felt each day during the affair, I am trying to understand what was going on with me. It is a long process. An IC would certainly help, though I do not think this will be possible yet. Maybe someday I will see one.
What do you mean by mesmerized? What are you doing so that the next time you are mesmerized by someone you don't start an affair with that person? Were you mesmerized from Day 1? Of course not. Yet you started down the path of an affair anyway so it's not really about that. So what is it?
Sometimes, you know a person for a long time. You two are not really close, but you know they exist. They work at your office, they go to your school, they attend the same church. Something like that. Until one day, you realize that behind that shell, there's someone else you did not know existed. So you're mesmerized. You get attached. You want to know more about him. You get carried away.
Redemption from whom? You or your BW?
How do you get there? What does that road look like to you?
What steps do you need to take on that road to get to redemption?
Redemption for me of course. I am at fault here.
I want to regain my BW's trust that I shattered. I want her to respect me again, to lean on me when she needs support. I want to help her forget the pain I cause.
Will it be difficult? Yes, a lot. It will be a long road. We're only getting started.
What rules are those?
What do you mean, try to follow them? Why wouldn't you just follow them?
The usual. Do timeline. Read books. Always be honest.
You should really cut me some slack it is a way of speaking. I will try my best to follow them.
Major blame shifting here.
I understand it would appear so, but I already addressed this concept multiple times.
You are frankly not being honest with your BW right now because you are not being honest with yourself. I don't understand how you can say you are being honest in the same post as all that blame shifting.
Respectfully, I do not agree with that. I believe I was honest with my BW, you were not there with us. As for my very recent posts here, I was being true and honest with myself. I did not do any blame-shifting, maybe only a small attempt of blame-sharing if you want, just to show the good friends here what I think of the AP now. I did not have another way to put it really without it appearing like blaming her, so you'll have to take my word for it
You have a lot of work to do on your road to redemption. Why not start now?
Yes, I do! Wish me luck. I'm gonna need it.