SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, sorry. I didn’t think you were trying to do that. I just felt like Not a runner up wrote a very touching post and I didn’t want to mix in his nuanced story with general statements. I know you have nothing but great intentions and were just speaking truth in a general way. I agree that ongoing verbal abuse and/or breaking things is not something that should be a pattern for someone. But it’s human to think it could happen a little bit and honestly justifiably so. There are levels. Anyway, I love a good fascinating convo so if anyone wants to continue on a new thread I am in.

I was not expecting to come back to all these messages, but before I begin my response I’d just like to get this out of the way — gr8fuli think you’re being willfully ignorant of several things I wrote in my post and not really providing me with any constructive feedback in the name of defending my husband at all costs. I will clear this up however, as it looks to me you aren’t aware I’m a mad hatter and my husband has a history of infidelity as well and you’re taking it as a WW BH dynamic. SacredSoul33 was actually one of the ones to provide me with advice when I first discovered that.

To Notarunnerup and anyone else that is confused about the "breaking things," problem — Unfortunately this predates the A by several years, it’s kind of just always been that way. Not a product of the A nor was it worsened by it. If anything its less now. Still not fun though.

To everyone — MAN did I not enjoy reading most of these comments. I’m currently pouring a river out of my face and I’m doing my best to maintain my composure while I formulate my response. There’s a lot of responses I was thinking of that I kept having to write and rewrite to hide truths from myself that I really REALLY REALLY do not want to face. My heart is breaking and I feel so stuck. Before my recent angry outbursts that I am very ashamed of, I have been a very gentle communicator with a bout of passive aggression here and there. Before that, a bottle it up and never let it see the light of day type of person. My husband has never had this problem, which I have admired, but now that you guys are forcing me to face some demons (just being funny and dramatic with that phrasing), I’m thinking of all the times he’d been mad at me. He’s since stopped, but he could be very harsh with the name calling. He’d drive like a maniac if I was in the passenger seat. He wouldn’t calm down until I started crying or apologizing.

Maybe this is abuse. I don’t really discuss these things with people in my personal life because in all honesty it’s not the answer I want. What makes it hard is that this isn’t a daily thing I’m dealing with. Maybe every other month or so. And in the time between these types of arguments he’s kind, funny, caring, and he makes me happy. But then I get back to this point eventually, it always happens.

FUCK. I want to scream FUCK at the top of my lungs out to the sky. I hate that I keep coming back to this point, I wish this problem didn’t exist, I wish we were both better people. The reason I’m crying so much right now isn’t because I’m lamenting over how much of a "victim" I am. I don’t feel like I am. I’m crying because I don’t want to lose him. I know I said this already but I am horrified at the thought of not having him at my side. And I fear that now that I put this into the world that I’ll look like a annoying chronic-complainer that won’t do anything about the problem. I’m scared to lose him and I love him, can you blame me for that?

It’s not a pout anyone blaming you it’s about taking accountability for your own life, thoughts and actions.

Surely you don’t believe that this is a healthy relationship. I am not advising you to leave it, I am advising for you to seek out therapy and what other tools you can to cope and deal with it effectively.

Stop looking at him, the relationship, etc and really look at yourself- who do you want to be, how can you get there, what are the things you want in your life and learn what is holding you back from constructing that.

It has to start with you. Complaining about the problems and doing nothing about them by proclaiming some magical love that sounds far more like attachment, yes- it is on you. You have the power to be who you want to be in order to be proud of yourself. Go find the obstacles that are holding you back from that because until you do, you will continue patterns that aren’t ever going to serve you. And you deserve better than that.

First of all, let me give you an enormous virtual hug. This was a lot to come back to, but maybe it'll be a productive nudge?

Have you seen a counselor, or done any self-help work? That's where I think you need to start. My schtick is always, "Take good care of yourself and everything else will sort itself out."

When I was in counseling, my C recommended that I read "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody and "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. They both changed my life. I still use what I learned in 4Agr as a touchstone on a daily basis. I think you need to do some work on codependency. Start reading and learning and see where it leads you.

You don't have to make any big decisions. You don't have to have the aim of leaving him. Maybe you choose to stay, but start setting up better boundaries. You just need to take care of yourself right now, with the aim of ending the dysfunction.

What can you do for yourself today?

OP,

gr8fuli think you’re being willfully ignorant of several things I wrote in my post and not really providing me with any constructive feedback in the name of defending my husband at all costs

Well, since you’ve accused me of being "willfully ignorant" of your husband’s infidelity, would you be so kind as to quote where in your original post you said that? Oh, you can’t. Because you didn’t.

The way you wrote your first post was, in my most charitable description…. sloppy. No mention of his adultery. The way you wrote it implied your H kicking walls in anger at a video game was a reaction to your adultery. I guess I’m just a knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing ‘willfully ignorant’ man, who thought him expressing some anger at your adultery NOT AT YOU but at some physical thing, could, if limited to a few times, be at least understandable.

Now that you’ve explained more, he’s nothing but a "weaponizing incompetent" (as some ladies here describe him) and, apparently incredibly abusive (YES HIS ADULTERY WAS 100% ABUSIVE), I’d have to agree this marriage is toast, the both of you are toxic (at least to one another), and as others are pleading with you, you should leave.

I am not trying to be a smart ass or pile on to gr8tful, but I wanted to mention this in case people do not realize it.

If you click their profile it may be filled out, which it is here. It will also show you their recent posting history, which will reveal this is not a first time poster.

Again, using it as an opportunity to get that out there and not really trying to respond to correct anything. It can really help the context of posters situations And it may be informing those who advise. Carry on!

Sounds like you had an exit affair?

Sounds like the relationship is problematic. Pretty text book bad.

Why stay?

Honestly, I didn't remember that Mango was a MH, but it doesn't matter. Even if her H was just a BS, he's still the one solely responsible for his actions and reactions, unless he's literally insane. I will die on that hill.

Honestly, I didn't remember that Mango was a MH, but it doesn't matter. Even if her H was just a BS, he's still the one solely responsible for his actions and reactions, unless he's literally insane. I will die on that hill.

Agree.

I've been thinking about you a lot mango.

No matter if you BS/WS/MH my 2 cents remains the same. I would RUN. Peter Pan will never grow up. And you are not obligated to change your name to Wendy.

Staying with him (and that is ultimately your decision) will only result in your life being the definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different result. The factor in the disappointment again and again and again when nothing really changes.

And...if things do "change" and he does start to put in "effort" it will only be long enough to get you off his back.

I ask you - if you had a daughter in your position - what would you tell her?