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Cooley, Can you direct me to that study?

I tend to agree. W & I saw the first LOTR movie shortly after I started Adderall XR, and I was gob-smacked by the experience - it was the first time I ever knew I could actually focus on what was in front of me. OTOH, my brother, whose ADHD is much more obvious than mine, believes the meds he had to take as a child prevented him from winning a Nobel. Also, without meds, he has disciplined himself to complete the projects he sets for himself.

ADHD is a difficult problem to solve. There's always a possibility of getting distracted. I was able to keep myself from getting (overly) distracted by other women, but some long term goals were out of reach for me, and my W has had to accept that. To R, you'll probably have to accept things that most people won't have to - but you don't have to R.

My reco remains the same: figure out what you want; figure out the likelihood of getting it with your H; R if the probability is enough, and D if it isn't.

*****

My ADHD has caused me some losses, especially when I was young. But ADHD has given me some abilities I love, abilities that normal people don't have. I wish I had learned about it 40 years earlier than I did. But on the whole, ADHD has been a plus for me, IMO.

Sisoon, I have looked and these feeds come through then I delete them. I will keep looking. I think the study was done in the UK or Europe. I live in the US and those meds are really monitored. I also think lots of docs moved away from Ritalin which is the one I took. Once my job changed and I was not dealing with lots of details I stopped using it. But I miss how organized I was. My kids say it was obvious. I usually am reading 2/3 books at a time, doing needlepoint and watching tv. And get bored very easily. Also I think lots of us have mild cases of dyslexia.
I will keep looking.

Closest info I could get for ADHD is National Library of Medicine: National Center for Biotechnology Information.
This does not state exactly what I read that was clear meds do a much better job but cannot find it.
Sorry to thread jack

Ah, Cooley. Organization is over-rated.

Not sure that was the source. From what I remember it seems like this was a huge study with meds winning hands down. They certainly did for me. My job was having extensive notes because I worked for a state agency and every I needed dotting. Meds were the only reason I could clear my desk. Unbelievable difference.

I have heard the same regarding ADHD medication. Our daughter finally got medication after years of trying and is shocked at the difference. WH is resistant due to somatic OCD stuff and I understand this means things will only improve so much. I worry about impulsivity and hyperfocus leading down a slippery slope at some point. Maybe that is what staying in limbo is all about for me. If I lean in and commit fully to R (there is a lot of good reason to do so) then I know I risk no longer being the center of his hyperfocus and at some point this betrayal experience happening again. I know he stopped himself from going farther in the past and has done a lot of work and growth, but the way the shame is coming up for him has me doubting he would be transparent with me in the future. That's the thing that is the most difficult for me. His specific actions of betrayal are not remotely as difficult for me to work through compared to hiding and lying when asked.

@SacredSoul33 - I started "Healing the Shame that Binds You" and I think it will be helpful for both of us.

Here's a true story about a man with OCD who told it to me. He is an Emergency Medical Technician and I stopped by the fire station to ask him to come and check on my 84 year old father without the sirens blaring. (Dad had just suffered a massive stroke but hadn't called anyone for days so it was too late to do the ER thing). He took one look at my father's living room and when my father told him to leave and let him alone (!) he and I stepped out to discuss what to do. He surprised me by asking "Is your father OCD?" I said "I think he probably is, he's an aeronautical engineer, former fighter pilot who spent his career in the government buying aircraft parts....why do you ask?" He said "We have a lot of former military retirees up here, and just looking at your father's bookcase over there..."

I was amazed at this and said "What did the bookcase suggest to you about OCD?" He said "Just I have it and I recognize how somebody would have his stuff arranged like that." I was intrigued. He went on "My wife was going to divorce me if I didn't get help for it. So I got some medication and now things are better."

I offer this in the hope that we can find some kind of solution to the maddening effects of living with other people's disorders. I'm having a difficult time today in fact, from the "tangential responses" I always get to any question I ask. About anything. And he has no idea he's doing it. :(

I don’t think everyone has the same ADHD, but with me…I take in everything in my environment at the same intensity. It means most of us cannot filter out anything. It’s like a computer that keeps whatever is fed into it. Your h has so much info in that brain of his that when you need a quick answer he starts feeding all of it because, well, it’s how his mind works. I have a suggestion. Gently place your hand on his arm and ask the question again.

I'm going to try that! I have heard that before but don't think I've tried it. thanks for the reminder.

Is it normal for a person to not be bothered in the least by their ADD/ADHD?
When I've talked to others with ADD they are usually very frustrated by their lack of focus or impulsivity. My spouse doesn't seem to be aware of it until pointed out to him. Or does that just mean maybe more neurodiverse?

Sorry, this may be a dumb question.

Have you considered telling your H to get effective treatment or, say, to get out?

Most shrinks prescribe stimulants, which are considered narcotics by the US government. That means frequent trips to the shrink for new 'scripts. But not all ADHD drugs are on the Class A list. My doc prescribes amantadine because of its dopamine effects; it acts a lot like stimulants do. It isn't as intense as the stimulants, but it has fewer side effects - and some of the side effects are good. It's an anti-viral, too, for example. Strattera is a non-stimulant ADHD treatment that has all the side effects of stimulants; it mad me nauseous.

*****

Touching your H when he goes off course while talking with you ... I think that would have helped me.

A therapist once made a practice of telling me to 'say it so a 4 year old would understand.' That was long before I was diagnosed. It got me to focus on the core of what I was trying to communicate. That may help you and your H, too.

*****

I couldn't understand why I was different until I got close to the right dose of Adderall. That allowed me to focus on what I wanted to focus on and stay focused on it. That contrasted with my non-Adderall process which consisted of little to no control over where my focus went.

So ... I was bothered by my ADHD, but since I couldn't do anything about it, I couldn't take in the feedback. Adderall changed that. Unfortunately, it stopped working after maybe 5 years.

Sisoon makes such succinct points! Get help or get out. I like that!

To answer your question on whether these issues bother them, of course it varies from person to person. With some disorders though, they themselves don't suffer from the effects of their maladaptive behavior so much as they cause grief to those they are trying to have a relationship with. Especially this is true for:

a. Autistic Spectrum

b. Narcissistic Personality Disorder

c. Psychopathy

where they have low empathy to begin with!

So, for example, the motivating factor for most of us fairly normal people would be to try to stop hurting those we claim to love, even if we have to buckle down and work really hard at things we didn't even realize we were "always doing." Not so, with those types. To me, the acid test is: once you have to keep pointing the same thing out over and over to them, they say they get it, but then you never see them change.

In some experts' opinions, the only real difference between NPD and ASD is what their intentions are behind their behaviors, which intention is never actually observable. But after years of being on the receiving end of it, you start to have more evidence, one way or the other.

I suggest documenting the incidences and making up a tally sheet, so every time the repeat behavior occurs you can note it. It might help you see if he has a fixed pattern of maladaptive behavior - I'm saying maladaptive for YOUR relationship, not for HIM! If he sees a competent clinical psych, they should ask for examples and that way, you would have helpful information at hand. Otherwise, frankly, spouses of Asperger types tend to be dismissed as whiners!

[This message edited by Superesse at 10:37 PM, Tuesday, December 24th]

I did not know I had any problem. I came to the knowledge that I not only have ADHD but a mild form of dyslexia. I have a BS degree which requires maths. For someone with a speeding brain that scans rather than read I got through but it was agony.
Please understand that ADHD does not cause a person to cheat. Something else is going on.