SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WB1340

I will not accept an explanation based on blind trust

Yep, full agreement here. I will never, accept anything or any explanation based on "blind trust". It was a mistake I made that if I hadn’t, my wife and I might have been able to avoid the affair all together. That understanding does not in any way lay the blame at my feet. Only an awareness that if I’d listen to my instincts I might have preempted the affair for there were warnings signs that I set aside because I chose blind faith in my wife over my concerns.

Where you and I might differ is that of the things that I found that I had to accept is that I will never fully understand some of my wife’s explanations as to the whys and to let it go. To accept that she may never really know the whys or even that she may believe she has to hold onto the lies. I still struggle with all of this crappy stuff at times so clearly, I’m not fully there, but I believe it is the right path "for me" to take. But I am here and talking because I know I do not see everything perfectly clear, so feel free to gently challenge me.

Asterisk

Hey Asterisk,

However, as to the last sentence, I hear this often said here and I struggle with the notion that "I had nothing… to do with her choices". I agree that the choice to cheat falls squarely on my wife. But to take myself completely out of the equation seems like the sum-total of the events leading up to the affair would calculate incorrectly leading to a wrong conclusion as to how to correct the error.

Two things in there.

One, nothing you can do can FORCE someone to choose to do WRONG.

You can't make someone choose to cheat anymore than you can make them into an alcoholic, or a substance abuser or a gambler.

All M, all relationships have problems, not all people in these M choose wrong and choose to cheat.

That's the -- I had nothing to do with my wife's decision to cheat.

She had to figure out why she chose to go against her own character, she had to figure out why she betrayed her own best interest.

Second thing in there, I agree, I am part of the equation for rebuilding the M AFTER her ownership of her horrible choices.

No M is perfect. If someone makes the perfect M claim, they're lying. We all have enough life experience to understand all relationships are constant work, constant attention and constant care and connection. Two individuals with their unique perspectives, it is not easy trying to stay on top of every aspect of life, much less our relationships.

So, of course, I needed to work on me going forward. Grace and empathy are a massive part of our rebuild.

Again, it wasn't that your wife didn't value you. She didn't value herself.

You noted the cheating issues across her family, that sure sounds like a family that didn't offer a healthy version of love for any of them.

People can't love others until they have made peace with themselves, until their own self-worth is strong enough, they aren't safe partners.

My wife claims she always loved me. Her AP, a family friend who was a serial cheater, he actually asked her how she felt about me and was glad to hear that she loved me. He didn't want a serious relationship, he wanted a fun side piece who was no threat to his own M. My wife still aimed for some kind of forbidden love and it was never that, and she found out when he finally dumped her in a very harsh manner.

My wife may have loved me in some way, but it wasn't a good one, it wasn't a healthy way.

I sure wish my wife had figured that stuff out before we got married.

My wife is human, who had a tough childhood and had poor boundaries and coping skills -- she was never an evil person. I absolutely believe there are good people who fail and then learn. Of course, there are also people who are bad and/or never learn, but that's a different thread.

Now she figured out how to be a better person and a better partner. When I decided to stay, I also have become a better person and better partner.

Part of my peace is my wife owning all of her choices. Heck, that's how this website was started, by an R couple where the WS took responsibility for her choices.

If my wife had continued to blame the M, then she wouldn't be a safe partner at all.

Because if our M wonders into troubles again, what is to stop someone who blames the M from making the same bad choices?

Agency and ownership of choosing to cheat is just a first step. Then all the work on the M begins where both partners need to be all in to heal the relationship.

Early in the reconciling process, I struggled with knowing too much. Overtime I began to understand that I really only knew the surface of the whys. In reality I knew way too little about my wife and her struggles pre and post her affair. Once I allowed myself to set aside the humiliation and pain and to listen, truly listen, is when reconciliation had a chance to succeed. But even now, 52 years post wedding day, I learn more and am often surprised by new things I learn about my wife and her thinking

I think that is where I'm at right now. I'm still reacting to things that were brought on from the affair. But when I do actually take the time to listen, truly listen. I somewhat understand how and why things are the way they are. But like you said, there are some things it will take time to learn about. Time will be the ultimate healer is what it seems like.

I guess we're similar in a lot of ways. Because I have been browsing this site here and there for months, but never actually posting. I did start journaling to help balance my thoughts and while that does release a lot of negative feelings, while also allowing to calm down and truly understand my feelings. I felt starting to post on here, where there are plenty of people who have gone through what we have can help with actual feedback. There's only so much feedback you can give yourself. Sometimes hearing what other people are experiencing helps. At least for me, any time I read comments here. It makes me feel better that I'm not going insane with how I'm feeling.

Oldwounds

O

ne, nothing you can do can FORCE someone to choose to do WRONG.
You can't make someone choose to cheat anymore than you can make them into an alcoholic, or a substance abuser or a gambler.

I agreed, I don’t believe I said anything that counters this position.

Second thing in there, I agree, I am part of the equation for rebuilding the M AFTER her ownership of her horrible choices.

Again, I agree. Where my subtle difference in wording is that I need to look at my role in our relationship that led up to the affair. In my way of thinking this does not, in anyway, suggest that I am responsible for my wife’s decision. The only thing it says is that things do not happen in a vacuum.

Again, it wasn't that your wife didn't value you. She didn't value herself.

Now on this I agree and disagree. It is true that my wife didn't value herself enough, though there could be an argument made, that she placed her value above all others, me included. Anyway, that thought may be for another conversation. I would like to restate, that I didn’t say she "didn’t" value me. That would be an overstatement that I might have felt or said when I 1st found out about the affair. But I didn’t mean to imply that in this conversation. I was saying that my wife had to devalue me in order to arrive at the conclusion that risking losing me was worth having sex with someone she says she didn’t even love. How can I see that in any other kind of light? Now, that does not mean that I see myself as valueless only that I recognize that my wife saw me as less valuable, sacrificial, than she once did.

Part of my peace is my wife owning all of her choices.

And I am at peace knowing that I, as my wife’s life-partner, played a role in her choice.

Agency and ownership of choosing to cheat is just a first step. Then all the work on the M begins where both partners need to be all in to heal the relationship.

Best line in this entire, very important and valued conversation.
Thank you Oldwounds for your insights.

Asterisk

Vikrant1993

I felt starting to post on here, where there are plenty of people who have gone through what we have can help with actual feedback. There's only so much feedback you can give yourself. Sometimes hearing what other people are experiencing helps. At least for me, any time I read comments here. It makes me feel better that I'm not going insane with how I'm feeling.

You have nailed the purpose of this site elegantly. Dealing with infidelity can make a betrayed spouse feel like they are going insane. All feed back is important to evaluate for infidelity can blind a person’s ability to see clearly things as they are verses how we "feel" they are. Plus, as you said, the lonely-ness of it all. A betrayed partner often is left alone within a crowd, wearing a smile while withering, hiding in plain sight. It is a terrible place to find oneself because of one’s spouse’s decision to cheat. It is good that you are here and are talking - we are listening.

Asterisk

Going through exactly the same right now thank you for sharing and all the helpful replies. Really know how it feels xx

A tale as old as Time. We have poems, songs, stories and even the bible. Full of betrayal. You never fully understand where the people who created these came up with the idea until someone very close to you betrays you. I lost my dad last weekend. He was my last direct relative. My mom died during the time I found out about the affair. My brother two years ago. For me these were people I could implicitly trust. They always had my back. But now I will never have that. My wife didn’t even attempt to put herself in that camp. She said I had our children. But your kids are people you protect. Your first family in my case protected me. So betrayal is something I will always be on the lookout for. A constant that came from infidelity. A shattering of naive blind trust. A shadow put upon a life that once believed what people said. That thought there was integrity in everyone. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish things" I’m not a religious man but that quote resonates through me. Blind trust is our childhood. Betrayal is what adulthood has in store for us. My parents and sibling protected me from betrayal. I now protect myself from it. And like a cold your going to have it. And every time you get that cold you get a little more defence against it. You become more resilient. The world is going to disappoint us. Our spouses do not define us. Their mistakes are not our mistakes. We are born, we suffer, we die.