I copied what you said but only left the list of things that applied to my situation:
* didn’t hide the AP(s) in any way (except the fact that they were AP(s))
* may have lied by omission, but didn’t actively construct fake stories to see the AP(s) or about anything or much related to the infidelity
* didn’t necessarily demand/ask the AP(s) not to tell
* didn’t delete/destroy evidence (or most/much evidence)
* didn’t do anything to cover tracks at all, per se (e.g., BS may have had passwords to a phone or email or whatever for innocuous reasons and could have easily found evidence if they cared to look for it
* admitted to having done "mildly" sketchy-sounding or problematic things with AP(s) (that you did actually do) in a way that indirectly assured BS that was ALL you did with AP(s) (sort of "trickle truth," even during the affairs)
For the last one I didn’t associate it with the actual AP but I would say sketchy shit like "don’t you miss the new love feeling?" And I believe I said to him at one point I had a crush on someone else. He never really pushed me on for answers. I did eventually confess on my own, and he says he was blindsided, but I am not an accomplished liar and I don’t think I was particularly discreet, nor was I particularly blatant. I think maybe because my affair was long distance he didn’t really see any absences that made him think anything was really going on.
He had my phone passwords, I didn’t delete stuff all that often. Probably the only thing that might have hindered any investigation was using a chap app rather than it being something in my texts. Phone calls were very few and very rare I am not sure it would have been something that would have stood out.
I could probably think of more, but you get the gist. Doesn’t have to be all of these things, but at least a couple.
I realize this profile probably is more likely to apply to someone having (or thinking they're having) an exit affair than another kind of affair. However, my WS was a cake-eater (at least, I think so, and he'd describe himself as such) and did these things. I'm very, very interested in hearing from anyone who fits this profile, though. I’d love to hear your perspective, and thanks for the service you provide here to this community. I can see how healing and helpful your participation is for both us BSs and y’all.
I had no plans to leave for the ap. But I did think about moving into one of our rental properties. I do think looking back it was an exit affair, but because I didn’t leave and never got serious about it, I think in many ways it was cake eating.
I think it was a combo of trying to blow up the marriage, but maybe moreso me rebelling on the construct of our marriage. I never said to the ap I was wanted more, nor did I feel the ap was going to leave his wife. But I did think about divorce a good deal.
In time I understood my avoidant behaviors had created the constructs that I was unhappy with, and the affair was just more avoidant behavior of the crisis I was going through and feeling very stuck in patterns that had brought on that depression.
I think a lot of not being so fussy on him finding out had more to do with not caring about anything. I once read that some people have affairs because they are not ready for suicide and that was very much my situation. The carelessness in which I handled the affair was just more of a testament that I didn’t care about what happened to me.
How I wasn’t caught and still managed to blindside him, I don’t know. But he knew that I was not acting normally and that we were having marital issues, he just didn’t guess there was someone else involved. I had been such a honest dealer, a rule follower, it was very hard for him to picture me doing something like that.
[This message edited by hikingout at 4:20 PM, Friday, March 1st]