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You’re doing great! His infidelity is so hard on you and the children. But you are taking the right steps. You can never understand why he has done what he has done! So many BS describe their WS as being taken over by an alien! Document his actions or lack of action. Document his lack of effort and time with the children. He must have deadlines for completing the forms you gave him. He can try and delay the process but he can’t stop it. Know his deadlines. Make sure he is making his financial support for you and the children. You deserve the best.

So, I’ve just found a device that’s linked to his phone that I didn’t realise throughout all of this. As I turn it on a message pops up. Last night he met up with another woman! Someone by the looks of it more his age! I think he may of been a serial cheater, and not long ago the mention of " will you still want me when you find out how many people I’ve been with over the years" was probably a confession!

I’m so glad my eyes have been opened! As painful as this mess is I know myself abs the children will come out better

Wow! What a blessing indeed. Also, more proof for legal measures. Please continue protecting your kids and yourself. And know you are doing so well. I'm sure it's all just a shock still, especially with new info coming out but you're taking all the right steps. I'm so sorry for your kids...

I remember my Ex bringing her AP and the AP's 2 kids into the house where Ex's parents happily celebrated Easter Sunday with them all (parents didn't know about the affair), while I was hearing them upstairs sitting utterly alone and helpless in my room and wondering how could anyone ever do that? I still wonder what happened to those kids since neither my Ex nor their AP cared about the damaged they caused for everyone around them.

Your Ex doesn't care one bit about your children and I'm sure realising that fully must add to the whole pile you are already dealing with. I hope the therapy is going well.

[This message edited by heartflower at 11:13 AM, Friday, October 3rd]

This is absolutely horrendous he came yesterday and today to see the kids I allowed him to stay at home with them so I know they are safe. Yesterday I went out and came back not long before he left.

Today I’ve done things around the house and it felt like the old days. I ended up bursting into tears and it all came flooding out in front of him. I feel like I’m back at the beginning again I’m absolutely heartbroken. I felt I was doing so well and felt like I was getting stronger.

I’m not sure what I should do. Obviously I don’t want to be with him, I think it’s more the sadness of what should have been.
I’m trying to keep reminding myself of the things he’s said to me the past few months. And the fact he’s still gone back home to the OW.

It’s just so hard, I think I’m going to have to cut contact with him all together until I’m strong enough again

You have been heard. Remember you have suffered a severe life trauma and your emotions will be all over the place. Take support wherever you can. And yes, limit contact with him as much as possible. He will just remind you of the pain he has caused.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:26 PM, Saturday, October 4th]

All I can suggest – based on how you describe your situation – is to keep the momentum on the separation and to strive to make the separation as realistic and "separated" as possible.
That will solidify his inability to enter and leave your house, that will create a way for him to have the kids in a separate place, so he no longer has to enter your home.
That device you found has not legal consequences in separation nor custody in the UK, but it should reaffirm you in your decision.

I’m sorry for you. Learning your partner/spouse was or is a serial cheater is devastating beyond words.

It undermines your life - or the life you thought you had.

I know you are putting the children first. That is what parents do when in your situation. I just think you need to avoid him (in person) for a period of time. When you know he’s coming to see the kids, perhaps you can have a friend available for the trade off be at the home instead of you.

When you feel better and have processed everything then maybe in time you can be there for the hand off or whatever you decide in the future (he visits at your home or somewhere else).

It will get better. It’s just a slow healing process.

Made a massive mistake of letting him back into my heart. He’s been saying all the right things he missed me loved me etc… so I thought he wanted to come back and make a go. Only for him to say he doesn’t at all. I think he tried to get me on to his side so he could come here to see kids.
I’m gutted and feel I took a lot of steps forward only to ho backwards again

What you just described sounds like a sociopath. Don’t know if he is but they lack empathy and that is what this sounds like. Do yourself a favor and assume any time his mouth is moving he is either eating or lying. I am injecting a smidge of humor to help you see what a screwed up person he is. Just figure he is like a bad rash that disguises itself as a suntan.

I’m gutted and feel I took a lot of steps forward only to go backwards again

This is a temporary step backwards. However just know the next time he starts that line of bullshit, you won’t fall for it. You won’t believe it. You won’t make the same error in judgement and believe him.

The hardest part of this is your young kids. And you are trying to do the right thing by them. Unfortunately you will need to co-parent with the cheater for a long time. But for now you are doing your best and figuring things out.

But there will come a day when the cheater starts the sweet talk routine to try and manipulate you, and you will shut it down. Trust me I was in your shoes and took even the slightest effort (oh he said good morning, I guess that means we are moving forward ) as a positive sign. Until I finally came to my senses and realized I was being played and manipulated by a lying cheating spouse.

Hang in there. You will survive this. We all do.

Many of us had a few false starts like that— it’s just really hard. But every time they do that bullsh*t, it’s a twist in the knife AND it solidifies that you are doing the right thing by getting away from him.

No contact means no new hurts. So limit it as much as possible. Use apps or texting/emails to communicate, avoid him as much as possible, and start detaching. It is really hard because you care(d) and it’s such a strong habit. But keep working on it.

So sorry he’s being a jerk, but glad you are getting clarity. Hold strong - you can do this.

Thanks all. I just don’t understand why he’s done all of this. I don’t understand why he’s choosing to live with someone’s parents and not be with his family. Surely everyone else around him can see it’s not normal? Or is it me because of how hurt I am?
I know in the long run me and the children are better off without him and one day I won’t feel how I do. It’s just hard at the moment and I can’t seem to see a way out of this hurt

There is no fault in having hope.
However... It is so important for you to move on with a formal separation.
I know he’s a partner (not a husband) and that in the UK a long-term partnership can make things a little complicated. You already have access to legal advice – continue on that path. Get it over with.
With a formal separation you can create the boundaries and fences you NEED to distance him and his impact on you. You can change locks, refuse him entry, get child support... In the UK I think you can use CMS to totally manage the amount and collection of child-support, so if he defaults he has to deal with that agency and not you.

Be as pragmatic and realistic as you can. Despite what you previously stated, I doubt the relevant authorities will agree to a legal demand that you can limit what people your kids meet on his time (of course, assuming they are not a physical threat to them). I doubt you can get more custody than he’s willing to sacrifice. With separation it’s no longer YOUR issue where and how he meets the kids on his time.

Get this over with. As-is it’s like you have a big, bleeding wound and whenever a healthy scab starts growing – thereby initiating healing – it’s like he comes over and rips it off.

I don’t understand why he’s choosing to live with someone’s parents and not be with his family. Surely everyone else around him can see it’s not normal? Or is it me because of how hurt I am?
I know in the long run me and the children are better off without him and one day I won’t feel how I do. It’s just hard at the moment and I can’t seem to see a way out of this hurt

You cannot try to understand irrational decisions. Especially when they suddenly become someone completely different than the person you knew right in front of your eyes.

It could be a midlife crisis where he is trying to recapture his youth or prove "he still has got it" and is attractive to younger women. He maybe craves that ego boost and is on that high.

But I can tell you from experience that when reality sets in, be prepared. That’s if he is even willing to admit he made a mistake.

I suspect his "I miss you & kids" stuff is reality setting in. However he’s not yet done "having fun" and living the easy fun life. So while he may actually miss you & what he had, he still wants to be selfish and "live his life".

Right now it is hard. Your world (as you knew it) has just imploded. But it will get better. It is heartbreaking to watch someone you love make the worst mistake of their life.

But you have to just stop trying to make sense of it all. Because that is only torturing YOU.

BTW he may come to his senses and it may be too late. Or he may come to his senses and never admit he made a mistake.

My H came to his senses at the last possible second. It’s a miracle we survived his midlife crisis affair with a much younger OW. But I can tell you that the R was very difficult for him b/c it took me years to trust that he truly wanted to stay married.

But I can tell you that after the whole shitshow I realized one thing - I am good with him or without him. And I know you will be there one day too.