SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Its been a month since I saw his "I love you" text to his coworker. He immediately left for work out of town. In her town, coincidentally. He hasn't returned and has cut off nearly all communication with me. We have been together for over 20 years and have 3 kids together. I love him. I thought we had a happy marriage. He insists that he has done nothing wrong, just developed a really deep emotional connection with a coworker that led to texting each other 50 times a day. He admits that he's attracted to her. He has fallen in love with her. He refuses to show me their text history, but acknowledged that I would be bothered by the sexually suggestive texts, flirting and the things he has said about me to her. He refuses to call it an affair because he insists that he hasn't slept with her or even kissed her. He told me that he wants to stay married and that when this job ends in 2 weeks, his relationship with her will naturally fade away. I have told him that he needs to end contact, or not to bother returning home. He consistently refuses to do that. I know that he doesn't want to be with her long term. He wants to have his marriage AND his "friend". My boundary is pretty clear that I won't tolerate that. But at what point do I give up hope? Will he ever see reason? He isn't thinking clearly right now. How long is reasonable for me to wait for him to stop being an idiot? How long did your partner's affair fog last?

As long as you let it, in my experience. You must decide upon your boundaries and be willing to enforce them - even to the point of risking your loved one leaving the marriage. Read the book Not Just Friends

[This message edited by JimBetrayed62 at 7:12 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

My wife didn’t confess her A until over a decade later — she mostly had to solve the lies she told herself (the fog) on her own, but some of those rationalizations lasted even after she told me about it.

In her mind, she figured the truth of her AP (long time family friend) around a two year span.

AP dumped her in a very harsh manner and kept reminding her how over it was for almost two years. We moved away, and suddenly, AP realized he could maybe restart the A from a safer distance. He visited us and finally, for the first time, my wife turned him away.

Reality is the fog breaker, consequences will break through it as well.

It doesn’t matter how long the cheating spouse is in the fog.

It’s what YOU the betrayed spouse does that matters.

I was in your shoes. My H was convinced the 29 yo drama Queen ( he was 49 at the time) was his true love. Planned to D me. Told me 10 days after learning of the affair (originally it was nothing according to him) he was D me.

For 6 months I bent over bs wards to R. Actually I was deluded into thinking we were Reconciling but he was still cheating.

I finally set some very strong boundaries. I had no choice but to D him. It was either him or me — I was losing my sanity over this affair drama — so I chose me.

Lo and behold he STILL thought he was in control. He thought I was still a doormat. The first time he tried to initiate a conversation and I just said "no" and left the room he was shocked. By the third time he got the message.

I am going to say that if you allow him to waltz in the door "after his affair dies" and he can come back home like nothing ever happened, you are Most likely going to see either a repeat of this behavior or he will continue to treat you like this.

He doesn’t think you have backbone. He thinks you are a doormat.

Show him otherwise. I would start by telling him he’s is not returning home after this behavior and he’s not in charge.

It took less than three months for my FWW's fog to lift. It was when she realized her AP had no intention of leaving his pregnant wife and three kids.

All he'd ever wanted was cheap sex.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 10:36 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

You have already made it to the crux of the problem. He wants both and will pick both as long as both is an option. You say you have a pretty clear boundary that you won't accept both. He has left home and isn't talking to you. So if your boundary is that you aren't going to share him, then just keep enforcing it. Feel free to start divorce proceedings. They take a long time to complete and you can stop them at any time. No contact is no contact. An affair doesn't "naturally fade away". For now, it seems like you have communicated your boundaries, but they aren't boundaries if you don't have an enforcement mechanism.

As for not reading their texts, I'm paraphrasing a bit but I received the advice early on about my wife's communication with AP "The only reason you should be reading those texts is because you tragically lost your eyesight and your lawyer is reading them to you".

It's *at least* an emotional affair. It's probably more and he is lying.

My xFWH really didn’t have the fog of the A. He was tired of her games and to a great degree continued bcuz she threatened to expose repeatedly. He said he was relieved that dday finally happened as the stress was extreme.

However, your spouse is very likely lying to you on multiple levels. Adults normally don’t spend long hours alone without it turning physical. Whether that be "just" kissing, oral, dry humping, or full on intercourse.

30 days with minimal communication, exchanging of ILY, pls see an attorney to know your rights. He has essentially abandoned you and your children. Please do not let him to continue to disrespect your family and marriage in such a way.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:45 PM, Thursday, July 17th]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're dealing with infidelity. There are some posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you may find helpful. There are some posts that aren't pinned that are really good, and you can find them by looking for the bull's eye icon. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a nice collection of resources.

Your WH (wayward husband) shoould read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. Not Just Friends has a quiz in it to find out if it is an affair.

He very much wants to have his cake and eat it, too. What if he never gets his head out of his behind?

My WW confessed her affair to me, but I wouldn't say she really came out of the "fog" for 10 months.

I base this on when she made me a genuine apology for having an affair, and promised she would never do something like that to me again. That and changed behavior.

However even now more than a year later she still has remnants of affair thinking. She still hypocritically blames me for things that really are her doing. It's sometimes hard to be patient.

Where I'm going with this is it takes time for them to really come out of it.

However, if my wife had been acting like your husband, I would have filed for divorce early on.

Since you are posting in general I assume you are OK with hearing from a WW - if not, please skip this response.

My first post so many years ago was "how long does it take to get over the AP?" I didn’t *want* the obsessive intrusive thoughts, and yet there they were. I didn’t label the interactions like your husband did, I knew I didn’t love him (or even like him) but the compulsion to interact was wrecking my life. I was waiting it out, six months by the time I found SI, thinking that time would be the cure, and it wasn’t. I think many people stay in some sort of fog forever even if they never see the AP again - thinking they were soulmates but each would dutifully return to their marriage or some garbage like that. It takes intention, work, focus, and persistence to re-wire one’s brain especially after an affair. I’m skeptical that time alone does anything meaningful, though perhaps others will share a different experience.

[This message edited by Pippin at 10:36 AM, Friday, July 18th]

This may offer no support for you but it's long been my opinion that the notion of "affair fog" is a complete fabrication. Infidelity is unequivocally a conscious choice, never an uncontrollable state. To maintain a double life requires significant executive functioning and deliberate decision-making, far from any genuine impairment. True "fogs," like those seen in dementia, are not selectively applied; they permeate all aspects of life. Therefore, "affair fog" serves merely as a convenient stalling tactic, allowing the unfaithful partner to selfishly maintain their marriage whilst getting benefits on the side.

For me, the concept of "affair fog" is akin to suggesting that every time someone acts immorally, they are simply going through a "bad person fog." It's an attempt to dilute accountability by externalizing blame onto an ephemeral, convenient state.

Imagine if we applied this same logic to any other abusive situation. If a spouse were to say, "My husband has been beating me, but how long until the 'bad person fog' lifts?" The very notion is abhorrent and would be universally rejected. We would immediately recognize that as an excuse, not an explanation that absolves responsibility. We would never tolerate such a justification for physical violence, nor would we expect the victim to passively wait for the "fog" to dissipate. Yet, when it comes to infidelity, a form of emotional and psychological abuse, we are often implicitly or explicitly pushed to accept this very framework, to wait patiently for a supposed "fog" to clear, as if the betrayer is merely a victim of their own temporary delusion. This stark inconsistency in how we address different forms of harmful behavior is, to me, deeply troubling.

That's not to say every member of this board advocates for waiting the fog out, I know this is not the case. Many would actively advocate for taking some form of stand but the concept in general is disturbing.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 2:29 PM, Friday, July 18th]

I'm very sorry your H has gone off the rails.

I strongly suggest preparing to write off your H because he keeps insisting he's not doing anything wrong. If he truly believes he's doing nothing wrong, he's far removed from reality, and that means he's unpredictable.

Like others, I think there's nothing you can do to bring your H back. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids.

D – Don’t

E – Even

T – Think

A – About

C – Changing

H – Him.

I suggest considering implementing https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/.

He may recover his forgotten moral senses*, but so far he has violated his M vows, and he is lying to you and, probably, himself. He's got a long way to go to change from cheater to good partner.

IMO, 'affair fog' is a form of limerence, and it's as real as being 'in love'. See Dorothy Tennov's Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love.

The fact that one is not limerent is not evidence that limerence does not exist.

* Gilbert & Sullivan' song 'It Really Doesn't Matter' has been playing in my head for days. 'Forgotten moral senses' is one of the phrases. The song can be heard on youtube. Alas, I can't hear my LP because my hifi is a little screwed up.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:08 PM, Friday, July 18th]