SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Almost 7 years past D Day and I told my husband I wanted a divorce. We never recovered from his almost 3 yr affair with his coworker. He continued to work with her, and when I would tell him to at least look for a job he would gaslight me. He continued what appeared to be a work friendship. He only left the job after she left. He never looked for a marriage counselor or seem to have any self reflection on the brief time in IC. He’s recently lied about credit cards, lied about drug use and wasted thousands of dollars on pills. And I just found out that he’s hiding a relationship with another female coworker and sneaking around, erasing messages, and lying about it. There’s never been a time where I felt safe enough to let my guard down. I’m done.

I told him I want a divorce. He’s now telling me I’ve used him for the past 6.5 years. He thinks I stayed because it was easier and I could be lazy and not try harder to build my business. I’ve been a stay at home mom to 2 kids, while battling bouts of depression and trying to run a small business.

I stayed because I didn’t trust him after d day with my 1 year old and I wanted them to have a relationship. I also stayed because I was in denial about who I actually married.

It’s somehow all my fault that I am done and I’m blamed for not trying. I’m blamed for not setting up marriage counseling. I’m at fault for breaking up our family. If he sees me do anything for my business now it’s a trigger and he thinks I’m only motivated to try now because I want out. That’s not the case.

Why can’t he just let me go?

Get the divorce. Every time he talks this way leave the room or the phone. You are under no obligation to converse with him except children and moving on. HE wasted those years, you didn’t. Don’t let him in emotionally. He knows how to upset you. Do the 180 for yourself, you have kids who need you.

He’s just playing his same old games— gaslighting, lying, denial, DARVO. He has not grown or changed.

He did this. He destroyed your relationship and did not even do the bare minimum to rebuild. You have been trying to heal and work on the M and build a business while dealing with the situational depression and a nervous system that has been on high alert for years. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIS GARBAGE.

When you are free of him, I can guarantee you will find, after a little time, that you have not been able to really truly relax in 7 years, and when you do it will be magical. The kind of low key "ah this is how we are supposed to feel" kinds of magic.

Stay the course. Get the D going. Start the 180 and detaching.

(And sorry he’s being a pain- he’s always the victim 🙄)

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 6:08 PM, Sunday, January 25th]

Pearly,

He’s a bum.

Stop caring about what he thinks/says.

Best wishes.

Well, you told him you want a D. Take responsibility for that. Celebrate that. File.

Check out The Simplified 180, which is now on the 1sr page of the JFO forum. It's time to detach and limit discussions to kids and finances, and it may be best to let his lawyer talk to yours.

Mine tried to guilt trip, too, though in different ways from yours. This is how their brains work - when they get hurt, they lash out. When they don't get their way, it's someone else's fault. Remind yourself that the words of a liar aren't to be trusted, even when they poke at your vulnerable spots.

He will be angry and tantrum for a while, then he'll get over it, and you'll have the joy of whiplash watching him embrace his life as a single man.

I was in denial about who I actually married

I don't know if we married these men, or if they changed over time. I've been asking myself the same question. Just yesterday I was commenting to my kid that I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. Did I ever know him? I think so, at least in the early years, but 20 years is a long time, and even if this part of him was always somewhere deep inside, I think time and circumstance changed him so that it surfaced.

It really upsets me when I see WS' saying crap like this. Gotta love the blame shifting. I'd love to give him a cuff upside the head for you (I talk tough, but I'm not really a tough guy. I don't run around cuffing people upside the head, lol. It's just that some of the things WS' do and say are infuriating).

I'm sure you already know this, but I'm saying it anyway so you can see it. None of this is your fault. You didn't owe him a 2nd chance to begin with, but you gifted it to him anyway, gave him several years to do something with it, and he blew it. Not only through lack of effort, but worse, sneaking around, keeping secrets, and betraying your trust again. That's a dealbreaker for almost anyone. That's on him.

Don't let him get to you. Stay strong and stick to your guns.

The only person who thinks it's your fault is your husband. And you (smartly) don't trust anything he says or thinks or does.

Focus on what you think of your actions, and take strength from that. Your actions are mature, thoughtful and well-considered, and brave, and you're taking these actions only after being generous and warm-hearted in giving him a second chance. My experience was that once I asked XWH to leave the house - so I had actual space (and peace) from him - not caring about what he thought became much, much easier.

It sounds like your kids are still fairly young, so they may not appreciate it now, but in not too many years they will appreciate that you gave them a master class in standing up for what is right and good. They will carry that valuable lesson with them forever.

Hang in there. File for D and get started with the rest of your life!