SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I live in the UK and I'm so glad to have found this site. I'm 49 and my husband is 50. Seven days ago my husband broke down telling me I needed to break up with him as he had cheated on me with a sex worker and I deserved better. It appears the guilt of him going for an STI test proved too much and he had to tell me (the results at the time hadn't come back but he's a health phobic at the best of times and was convinced he had infected us both) I managed to calm him down and get him to talk openly. I have no idea what happened but something took over and I was too worried about his mental state to be angry. After he calmed down enough to talk clearly, he confessed to have cheated on me 3 times during our 9 year relationship and he has also cheated on his previous girlfriends with sex workers too (but they never found out). He had also used cam girls too.

He went to his first sex addicts anonymous meeting (in person) the following day... and by the fourth day we were having our first marriage therapy session via Zoom (all found online by me). He came back from the SAA meeting in a much better frame of mind and the marriage therapist suggested he see the doctor about getting anti depressants and also asking about an ADHD diagnoses. (She had little to say to me)

I seemed to be on autopilot the past few days and then finally, the day after the therapy session which managed to make me feel even lonelier, it all hit me and I finally cried long and hard but I was so shocked that I hadn't seemed to process anything up to that point.

Thankfully the STI test came back all clear so that's something I guess. I feel so alone and like my entire universe has shifted to a dark side I knew nothing about. I know I can't tell anyone what I'm going through
My friends would not understand why I'm not running for the hills and the friendship would no doubt change. My family would be devastated, my grown up kids from my first marriage adore their stepfather and I'm very fond of my stepson (my husbands son from his previous relationship)

I've found COSA and my first zoom meeting with them is tomorrow and I hope speaking to others might help me process my emotions.

Husband has appointment with doctor next week too to talk about anti depressants and ADHD as therapist suggested. I have a tracker on his phone and he's put adult site blockers on his phone.

He says he's determined to get help and save our marriage.... but then says something like "I will probably only need to go to SAA meetings for a few months" (It was only his first meeting, perhaps he doesn't realise this is a long term thing just yet, he will be getting a sponsor next week)

The only other time I was previously aware he cheated was before we got married (again he went for an STI test and the guilt took over) At the time he told me it was an ex girlfriend and I eventually forgave him. (Of course now he's confessed that it had actually been a sex worker.)

He says he wants to just be honest with me from now and wants to get the help he needs to keep me and be the husband I deserve....

....am I just the worlds biggest idiot?

If his therapist thinks he has they will probably state this is a years long addiction to overcome. And it sounds like he has it.
The issue facing you is if you can live with an addict, hopefully one no longer acting out.
It might help you to go to the Anon group for spouses.
Also your dr might give you temp meds for anxiety.
Focus on your health. Long term stress can wreck your immmune system
Try to get enough sleep.
Eat healthy.
Set boundaries.

So he needs IC - individual counseling not marriage counseling. HE cheated, not the M.
Also, only a qualified therapist should diagnose him with any SA.

Are you in IC? You need to be in IC for YOU. To help you decide what is best for you.

And stop driving the R bus. If he can find cam girls and prostitutes he can figure out how to find therapists, books on infidelity, etc.

Do the 180 (read about it in the healing library) and spend your time and energy focusing on you. This is a TRAUMA to you, and you need to look after yourself.

Do you have kids? Your own income? What support do you have IR? Keep reading and keep posting.
And know that you will get through this.

If he can find cam girls and prostitutes he can figure out how to find therapists, books on infidelity, etc.

Not only can he do that because he's an adult but it's also something you can use to guage his involvement and drive to actually move this problem forward. If he doesn't put in the effort, then he's probably not worth your effort, kwim? You really want to watch his actions now, and not just listen to his words. Words are easy.

Thanks all. You are right I need to step down from being the fixer. Something I find so hard to do. Financially we are both on the same salary and have seperate bank accounts (with one shared one for all the bills). I definitely need his share of the monthly mortgage payment and I'm ashamed to admit it but I was also thinking when he initially had his breakdown and blurted everything out "if we split up we lose our house" which I know seems like a ridiculous thing to think at the time (we really worked hard to get the home we have now). I'm still so shocked at my reaction of looking after him rather than throwing something at him! I have a meeting this evening for partners of sex addicts (they also have a 12 step program ...which is interesting?)
I didn't think about seeing the doctor for anti depressants myself. I shall make and appointment (thank you)

You are not "an idiot" for staying and reconciling with your H.

He seems to welcome the opportunity to help himself and that is a positive sign. I hoping Reconciliation goes well and you can weather this storm together. FYI it’s a long slow Reconciliation process. It can take years and I don’t think your H is aware that he isn’t going to support meetings 3x lol. 😂

I am suggesting that you financially start to protect yourself now. Get a savings plan in place in your name only. Get wills updated if necessary. Have your own credit cards in your own name. Maybe cancel joint cards just to protect yourself.

You just don’t know what the future holds. And you want yo be prepared — illness, disability, long term care situation, etc. If you lose his salary, you want to be sure you can financially recover and support yourself / family if necessary.

BearlyBreathing nailed it on the head multiple times. He need to do the work. He needs to find the therapists. He needs to go to the meetings religiously. He needs to fix himself and hope one day you can see him again as a safe partner.

I pushed / demanded my wife start IC. I thought she would go for maybe two or three months and say okay everything is all better and if she had I would have ended the relationship but here we are almost 2 years later and she is still going. She is finally processing some pretty bad stuff from her childhood that I'm being told is part of the reason why she did what she did

Skip the MC for now as they typically try to convince you to put the affair behind you and focus on building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship and that is a mistake IMO. I suggest you start IC and then several months down the road decide if you still want to work on the relationship.

The fact he came to you with this is a good sign. Had my wife come to me because the guilt was crushing her we would be in a much better place already but when the BS finds out it takes much much longer to repair the damage

Thank you all. You have no idea how just being able to tell someone else what's going on has lifted the cloud a little (actually that's a daft thing to say, of course you know exactly what its like) I'm very grateful to have found this forum.

Thank you all. You have no idea how just being able to tell someone else what's going on has lifted the cloud a little (actually that's a daft thing to say, of course you know exactly what its like) I'm very grateful to have found this forum.

We have a very good idea. That's why many of us stick around. To pay it forward. I was so lost and so devastated when I first got here, and just knowing there's a group of people I could talk to who really "get it" meant so much.

Please, stick around and continue posting. Ask any questions, or use us just to vent to if you need it. Just typing stuff out helped me so much. You may occasionally see things or get advice that doesn't sit well, but it's all from a place of caring, and often good advice. If not, keep scrolling and read the next one.

Take what you can use from us and discard the rest. No one will judge or blame you, even if you slip up or make a mistake. Tho it may be pointed out if someone thinks you're about to step on a landmine. We've all been here, and almost no one handles these situations "perfectly." I sure didn't, but I learned a lot.

Welcome to the club no one asks to join. There's a good group of folks here who understand. Drinks are in the cooler and there are cookies in the back!

You just made me smile for the first time in days. Thank you.

I tend to be rather direct and speak my mind, so I find it strange to have some trepidation about what I’m going to post now. That trepidation is because I don’t want to be misunderstood.

Sexual addiction is a debated subject. Recognized psychological organizations still dispute if it’s an addiction (as in alcohol, drug, food etc) or a behavioral issue. Mental or physiological or what.
This isn’t unique – the most "acknowledged" and recognized addiction – alcoholism – had the same issues back in the early 1970-1980 period. Was it a moral weakness, behavior, or more? People are still discovering the "more", but drug- and alcohol addiction is now recognized as a disease – not a purely mental issue.
At the time alcoholism became commonly acknowledged as an illness there were a lot of people who had screwed up their lives that shared that they were alcoholics, that the disease made them screw up their career, family, relationships etc, and went for treatment. A month in detox and three months of AA, and they expected their family to return, job to be there, finances in order. After all – it wasn’t their fault: it was the disease and they were "cured".

This is also the time where success rates for AA plummeted. So many that went to AA for half a year fell off the wagon. Two reasons for that IMHO: for one, they didn’t realize that if you are an addict you are an addict for life. You don’t "heal", but you learn to live where you don’t feed your addiction. You need constant "medication" / AA -meetings to remain healthy.
The other reason being that for many it’s a behavior and not an addiction. Wrong drinking patterns more than a physical and psychological craving. Using a treatment focused on cravings rather than behaviors won’t work.

I personally think sexual addiction is an issue. It’s real. It’s an addiction. It’s real.

But I also think that it’s an ADICTION and therefore "uncurable". It’s treatable – but if your husband is a sexual addict he will need constant therapy and meetings for life. He won’t be "over it" in half a year.
The frequency of meetings might drop. Like an alcoholic sober for 20 years might only attend a bi-monthly meeting. But once he considers himself "healed" he runs the risk of falling off the wagon.

This is why I would be very happy for you if this was a behavioral issue rather than an addiction. But if it is an addiction – then I hope you both treat it as an addiction and realize it’s life-long.

PLEASE don’t read the above as me doubting he is an SA. It’s more that I’m asking the two of you to be 100% clear if he is or not, because the treatment (SA, 12step etc) is aimed at addicts – and his comment about being fully recovered in some months makes me question if he understands what he’s dealing with.

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I want to point out one thing that IMHO is very relevant if you two want to work on your marriage:

There are all sorts of theories on how a married couple should handle money.
Just keep in mind that financial issues is a bigger cause of divorce than infidelity.
One reason he can purchase sex-workers is the lack of transparency in finances. If you two have separate accounts (fine) but neither have access to each others accounts (not fine) then IMHO that is not a healthy financial marriage. Doesn’t have to be more than a viewing access.

Chances are that as far as taxes, debt and death goes (yay! The fun stuff...) a married couple is one legal financial entity. Like if your husband owed a bunch of money, the bailiffs wouldn’t only take half the living-room furniture or leave behind 3 out of 6 table-settings. There is a legal expectation of joint accountability. Same if one of you passes away – it’s a joint estate that has to be managed. Chances are he would have some rights to your pension, and vice-versa.

Why would either of you trust the other for creating and raising a child, but not on finances?

This separate-but-third account for joint costs...
What happens if your income drops? Let’s say you get laid off, or get ill? Imagine you could still make your half of the "joint" costs, but have nothing left. Does that mean he can go get a new golf-club and maybe even renew his car, while you need to take the bus because you can’t afford gas on your vehicle?
What if he wants to go to Spain for the summer, but you can’t afford it?
What if you want steak, but he can only afford liver?
What if you can’t make your part of the mortgage? Does he calculate interest if he "loans" you the missing part?

What about your later years? Going to spend your last decade cooped up at home because you can’t afford to travel or have adventures, only for him to pass away and then realize that as his wife and therefore (probably) his heir that he had thousands and thousands saved away in "his" account?

I strongly encourage you two to reconsider your finances as part of the process of reestablishing your ongoing marriage. Combined finances (even if separate per se)

I’m fine with separate accounts – not the issue. But AT LEAST make it so you are both accountable to each other. He can view your account and question transactions, just like you can his.

Remember though that with this transparency there is both accountability and a level of permissiveness. The issue isn’t that you monitor his account and throw a tantrum if he spends money on a power-tool. If your debts are up-to-date, your future expenditures funded and there is leeway in the money then you can both spend "sensibly" on things that are for you.
It’s more that you are allowed to question cash-withdrawals if you suspect him of seeking sex-workers, online charges to sexynudemommadotcom, charges to loveshack hotel and so on. Just like he might question your seventh purchase of a purse this month, seeing as how you both know money will be tight next month...

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I can share that my wife and I combined our finances despite having separate accounts. I have full access to her accounts, as she mine. Some bills are charged to me (the mortgage, utilities etc) and at the end of each month either she or I check how much she needs to transfer to my account to cover our bills and credit-cards and such. We can see all transactions on accounts, cards and the like.
Maybe once every 2-3 months either she or I will ask the other about a transaction. Never been an issue – because of the clarity we have in finances we don’t experience events like me buying an expensive fishing-rod unless both are in the know, and the budget allows for it. Just like I wouldn’t get away with paying for sex-work.
Did this some decades ago when we were recovering from a very rough spot. I think that nothing we have done has helped as much in communications and the building of trust as the decision for total financial transparency to each other.

Now... where are those damned cookies?

All very sensible advice and no offence taken. I think my personal reluctance has always been that my previous relationship to my husbands wasn't a very nice one (believe it or not my husband is very kind compared to my ex!)

My ex controlled me (as in what clothes I could wear and make up, what tv shows I could watch, which friends I could see... And yes all my money was constantly monitored too.) It was an extremely abusive relationship that took several years for me to recover from and one of the greatest freedoms I had, which my husband respected when we first got together, was that I was finally in control of my own finances.

But I totally see what you mean about being able to see each others spending. I will give it a few days (he has his second meeting at SAA tonight) and then explain what I want. Thank you - have a cookie

What Pogre said is smart.

You will pick up some advice, many are good, but it depends what stage of processing the betrayal you are in for you to see the value of it (and do not bash you if you "stepped on a landmine"or made mistake, it is normal and depending where you are emotionally you really would have hard time making different choices, so never blame yourself, you will see in hindsight the emotional rollercoaster and will be wiser).

The most important thing is not hearing, but being heard.

It seems so simple and odd, but you need to let the emotions out. Because sometimes "it's not ok" nad you just need to say it, not to "have it fixed" because it can't be ok.

And you will be heard.

Good luck, and check the calories for the cookies

He's feeling better as he has gotten away with it. No real consequences.

Not to be a downer, but this is one reason cheaters cheat again.

I read an article years ago in Psychology Today that presents cheating as often a form of addiction similar to drinking or drugs. It takes intensive therapy for many years and also consequences for his actions.

He's getting away with a small slap on the wrist and blaming it away with a cheap excuse.

I would say to not trust and hold his feet to the fire.

I sometimes have an issue with the consequences.
I wonder what sort of "punishment" we – the BS – can demand or expect for the WS to make amends.
Honestly – if he recognizes that his actions are/were wrong and then thinks that because you didn’t leave him he "won"… well… IMHO he has bigger issues than simply using sex-workers.
The only "punishment" we can hope for is that their conscious gnaws at them. That they regret their actions, but acknowledge the issues that led to them, and that they make changes and amends. That they realize what they risked. At least if there is hope for reconciliation.
If you caught your spouse saying to his best friend "I cheated and she knows, but I got away with it" then file. He’s a lost cause.
If you catch him saying "I cheated on her and she knows. It was the most stupid thing I have ever done and I regret it, I regret the pain I caused and I regret how I failed as a man and husband"… there is hope. That pain he hopefully feels – that is "consequences".

Divorce or separate, and the only "punishment" we can dish out is removing our presence from their company, and the only "punishment" we can hope for is that eventually they regret having lost us.
Other than that… I cant see doing 100 pushups or going to bed without their dinner as any form of successful "punishment". Telling them you will never trust them again, or that they will never be special to your or that you view the relationship as dead… IMHO that’s more self-punishment than consequential punishment for the OP.
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BritBro…
If you want to reconcile then don’t settle for reconciling to what you two had, only he no longer goes to sex-workers. Don’t fall into the trap of settling for mediocre or less. Don’t justify your own misery with excuses like finances, family and all that. If you want to reconcile, do so with the hope (verifiable hope…) that he can change this behavior, and with the goal of creating a marriage you want to be in.

I have used this comparison several times: It’s like if you have some unhealthy practice, like smoking 3 packs a day. One day, you wake up in the ER, recovering from a clogged artery. You realize what got you there, so you decide to stop smoking, eat healthy, destress your life and exercise.
You enroll in a class to help with the smoking, buy the latest healthy cook-books, get a membership card at the gym…
None of those do any good unless you apply them. You attend the class, eat chicken and salmon, and go to the gym 3x a week.
A year later, you might be in the best shape for the last 20 years. At that point you would never feel grateful for all that smoking. After all – excessive smoking was the catalyst that nearly killed you and made you decide to get healthy. You would realize that whatever benefit you have gained in the last year was because of the work you did, and that work could have been done without having reached that low.

To me, reconciling is comparable. You don’t put in the effort simply to settle for sexual fidelity. If it were that simple then voluntary castration might save the marriage.

It’s early days… Right now the focus is probably on him dealing with his why’s. Maybe his why is SA, maybe it’s something else. Once you believe he knows his why’s you can decide if R is possible or not, worth it or not.

I want to point out one issue for you to contemplate. This is based on my personal experience:
My present wife (of over 30 years…) is not the woman that cheated on me. Yet, about 12-25 years into this relationship we went through a very tough period. I realized that a large reason for our issues was that I was judging her on the same yardstick as my cheating ex.
I get it your ex was a monster. Don’t automatically assume all other partners/men will be the same.