SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey recently joined the club so sorry if I dont have the acronyms down yet.

Ive had a wonderful blessed 2 and a half years of marriage until July 8th 2026. I was feeding our son breakfast and my wife came downstairs obviously upset. After breaking down and a bit of pushing she finally told me while crying that she cheated on me before our marriage. She finally told me who it was and I immediately had my entire life fall apart. I know this man, I worked with this man (we were in the same industry). And he was always so nice to me and I knew that they communicated allot for work for years and thought it might be getting to the point of being inappropriate a few times and got in fights with her about it. She quit her job to be a stay at home mom 6 months ago and well congratulations she got pregnant about 3 months ago. So I have a partner who cheated on me twice had full blown intercourse but apparently she can't remember if they did it the second time or not 8 months apart. He lives in a different state far away which helps me have some trust that it wasn't a frequent affair.

I was absolutely gutted, the amount of emotions I was spiraling through and emotions I have never been exposed to. Its been an absolute nightmare. I didn't sleep for 36 hours and felt wide awake. I couldn't eat I could barely think. My entire life collapsed before my eyes. I got a therapist to take me in yesterday and that was helpful.

The hardest part is not having anyone to talk to. I don't want to put our business out to friends or family because of two reasons. 1. Its incredibly embarrassing and 2 I need to make the decision of staying and reconciliation or divorce. This is my absolute worst nightmare. Most of the help content are from women no offense but I need a mans perspective to help at all. Anyway this is just my story and I can't believe its happening and if anyone wants to reach out I'd welcome it or any good resources from a males perspective that would be great.

First, this is ALL on her, you did NOTHING to cause this. She is broken. The only positive is that she confessed, you didn't find out. Seems like 99% of affairs are discovered by the BS's (betrayed spouse). Sounds like her guilt was too much for her to keep inside which is a good thing.

Now, you need to focus on your well being, first and foremost. I strongly recommend you get tested for STDs. Don't ask your wife if you need to, tell her you are doing it, and be honest with your doctor why.

Are you concerned the baby may not be yours? If there's even a remote chance do a DNA test. You do not want to raise another man's child.

Talking with an IC that is trained to help with trauma will help you greatly. Being able to speak openly and freely without fear of judgment is incredibly helpful.

Just an FYI, there seems to be a pattern wherein WS's only confess as much as they think they need to in order to placate the BS. It's possible there is more to the situation.

If this guy has a partner she needs to know what her man is doing. She has a right to know. I waited five months before reaching out to the wife of my wife's AP and I regret every day I waited.

We all understand how devastating this is. You have found a great place for advice and support.

ETA: Do not sweep this under the rug. Do not let her do so. Doing so may provide a temporary relief but when this resurfaces, and it will, the damage will be much worse

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:27 PM, Saturday, July 11th]

3 days is very fresh. The general rule of thumb for recovering from infidelity is 2 to 5 years, and true reconciliation can be a lifetime work in progress. That's when things go as well as possible and you have a truly remorseful WS (wayward spouse). Her coming to you about it instead of you discovering it is a good start and a good sign, but like WB said, there's almost always more to it than what they admit to. So brace yourself for more possible revelations.

You're likely still in a state of shock. Once that wears off your emotions will catch up and it can really hit you hard. That's just in general, tho. Not everyone is the same and different people can react differently. You'll likely be on an emotional roller coaster for quite a while tho.

It is a nightmare. Most people severely underestimate the devastation infidelity causes until they go through it. What you're feeling sucks, but it is normal. I felt like a building had dropped out of the sky and landed on my head with no warning. Betrayal trauma is real trauma. PTSD symptoms are common. You're not losing your mind anymore than most people when going through this.

I was married almost 27 years when I discovered my wife was having an affair. I stumbled across it when she was about a month and a half into it. 2 weeks after it turned physical. To say I was shocked and devastated would be an understatement.

Many say it's the hardest thing they've ever gone through and I can say that's been my experience. I've seen some describe it as worse than going through the death of a loved one, only topped by the loss of a child. D day (discovery day) for me was about 15 months ago and it's only within the last few months that I've finally started feeling like I have my feet back under me again.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here man. This is a club no one wants to join, but you have found a good group of people who understand what you're going through. Make sure you take care of yourself. Try to get proper sleep and make sure you're eating. Drink protein shakes if you need to. Sqee a Dr about something to help you sleep if you're still struggling with that. This is hard enough to go through healthy, let alone sleep and food deprived. Stick around and keep posting. Ask any questions you have, or even just use us to vent to if you need it.

You need to know the whole truth. One thing waywards are infamous for, and kills relationships, is trickle truth. Where they hold back, don't tell you everything right off the bat, and let out more and more details in drips and drops over weeks, months, or even years. That's a relationship killer. Every new revelation resets the clock on your healing. You can't heal or forgive what you don't know, so you need to really impress that on her if you decide to try and reconcile.

If you want to try and reconcile you need the whole truth and complete transparency. No secret apps, text conversations, or passcodes on her devices. She needs to be an open book. No more secrets, and absolutely no more contact with her affair partner.

Thank you guys for reaching out.

Today started really rough but then got better and almost feels normal right now. Im not sure why this is happening and not sure if it is good or not.

DNA test I already told her and she said that's fine and was not worried whatsoever about the results.

Ive got a work trip for three days tomorrow that im nervous about how I will handle it.

STDs the last time they slept together barf!!! Was over two years ago but i guess i should get one anyways? Maybe get some emergency meds in case I have a panic attack.

I feel like I'm recovering/ downplaying this way too quickly since it happened before we got married.

It doesn't matter if it happened a long time ago. For you it happened 3 days ago. Embrace the calm you're feeling right now. Like I said you'll likely be on an emotional roller coaster for quite a while. That means ups and downs. You'll be fine one minute and in the gutter the next. Right now you're still in shock. That's normal so don't think you're nuts.

I think it might help that this happened before you were married, but if you were both in an exclusive relationship then it's still a betrayal, and doubly so if it was with someone you considered a friend. I think it goes without saying that this guy is no friend. You'll want to cut him completely out of your life. It's a good thing he lives out of state.

[This message edited by Pogre at 6:36 PM, Saturday, July 11th]

Eragorn,

I’m so sorry this happened to you and that you find yourself here. It’s a nightmare like you said.

Just to emphasize a few things you were already told, but definitely make sure you’re eating even if you have to set an alarm on your phone and force something down. Try to get some exercise since that will help you sleep. It also is good for processing stress and endorphins make you feel better.

Your story’s a bit unusual in the sense that your WW (wayward wife) confessed voluntarily but is still lying. And we know she’s lying because she says she can’t remember if they slept together a second time. Please, she remembers. The question is was it really only twice over 8 months (if 8 months is the right time frame). Since they were talking enough to make you suspicious, this was an EA (emotional affair) and a PA (physical affair). The EA will have surely started before the PA. You’re saying it wasn’t a "frequent affair" but you really only mean physically. The way we would look at it here, she probably had close to a year-long affair, if I had to guess.

You don’t appear to have much information at all on the non-physical side of things. If you want to R (reconcile) you’ll need to know all about it. Note well: EA does not mean it wasn’t sexual. If she was providing sexual gratification to another man (sending photos, talking dirty, whatever), that’s a sexual affair. Doesn’t’ matter if they were touching each other or not.

So you’ll want to know: how often were they talking/texting? Were they sexting? Sharing photos? Videos? Were they telling each other I love you? Was she talking shit about you? Was she expressing doubt about your upcoming marriage - did it end because he said he wouldn’t leave his wife for her?

Look in the healing library for "Joseph’s Letter". Since your WW has already shown some willingness to come clean, you can share it with her. Don’t let her see this website though, let this be your safe space.

You’re looking for a man’s perspective and I think I know what you mean. Especially since you said you’re embarrassed. First I have to say - we may think ‘men see it like this, women see it like that’ but the truth is that these feelings are far more universal than you might have thought.

Are you worried that staying with a cheater means that you’re somehow less of a man? I think there’s a societal thing where people assume someone’s a sucker for trying to work things out after infidelity. I also think most of the people who say that never got cheated on. But it’s a thing everyone (man and woman) has to wrestle with to some degree. For some people, cheating’s a deal-breaker period full-stop. If that’s you, then you D her with dignity and grace. A lot of people thought that was them until they had to actually deal with it. Maybe that’s kind of where you find yourself now?

By man’s perspective, maybe you’re worried about the physical aspect of it? Like her having sex with someone else somehow means you were inadequate as a lover? The tl;dr of that is it doesn’t. Lots of men stress about whether he was bigger or lasted longer or if she liked it better. Did she do things with him she doesn’t do with you, that kind of stuff. If that’s what’s on your mind, we can share some thoughts.

Anyway, you don’t need to be embarrassed. She does, she’s the one who cheated. All you did was trust the woman you love. Nobody’s got to hang their head about that.

I don't have much to add except this is going to be a very long journey. A full written timeline confession is a must: they say here if you don't know what you are forgiving, it isn't real forgiveness.

Also, what prompted the confession, would be a question you should ask. Are there other people that know about this?

2 I need to make the decision of staying and reconciliation or divorce.

You don’t have to decide anything right now. Give yourself 2 or three months before you make any major decisions.

I agree with the others, your wayward wife is still hiding things. Have her write out a complete timeline for her affair plus any other inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple, and also if she’s cheated in prior relationships. When it’s done tell her it will be verified by polygraph and ask her if she needs to make any changes. Even if she adds more information follow through on the poly.

In addition to seeing a therapist consult with a lawyer. Knowledge is power.

what prompted the confession, would be a question you should ask.

A lot of the time when a cheater confesses out of the blue, it is because they are about to be outed by someone else. Did she tell you why she is confessing now after all this time?

If you are able then you should exercise as much as possible to clear stress out of the body and create some feel good hormones. Also, stay hydrated. If you can't eat regular meals yet, then maybe you can eat some power bars or drink milkshakes, or something similar. Don't neglect your nutrition. You need it to get through this quagmire.

This site has a good Healing Library and you can learn a lot from the articles written there.

Good luck to you.

Thank you guys. You are correct especially about the emotional affair part and that she is hiding stuff. She said she would work with a therapist to help her go through the timeline of events and give that to me. Good idea on the polygraph even though I hate to be that extreme. I also never even thought about her sending sexual pictures. I know she sent him a link to a porno video at some point. She deleted allot of their texting history after they slept together or maybe some crude photos. All of this new insight is really scary. Im scared, just had a really good day with her and I hate that.

I feel like i need to keep her on edge knowing that I may leave her for her to be completely honest. She said she caved in because she listened to a podcast about sinning and we are both Christians and she needed to come clean to me. She said god was pushing her to.

She deleted allot of their texting history

This can be recovered, or at the very least, you can bluff that the repair shop was able to recover, and you can use that to force her to be more upfront.

A common tactic is to ask the WS to write out a complete timeline including every detail no matter how minute. After she hands it to you ask her is this everything and when she says yes then tell her if anything comes out that is not on this list we are finished. If she still says yes then tell her you want to take a polygraph test. If her immediate response is okay then there's a chance she was honest but if she stalls or refuses or deflects then you can pretty much assume there's more to the story

Tell her you want to send her phone to a company that does data recovery because you want to know as much as possible about what they exchanged. If she says okay that's a good sign but if she refuses that's a bad sign

Something I learned after my D-Day is that text messages between Apple phones do not go through your cellular carrier, they go through Apple servers, bypassing your cellular carrier so no log. Ask me how I found that out :/

While I'm sure you would love to believe that it was Christian guilt that made her confess, like someone else suggested, usually there is a confession because someone else is about to Spill the truth.

I pretty much forced my wife into IC after D-Day. I also found an IC for myself. The mistake I made was demanding MC immediately. In hindsight I should have worked with an IC for several months to figure out if I wanted to try and work on the relationship. MCs typically try to push you to put the past behind you and build a brand new shiny sparkly relationship :/ My wife was not happy with being pretty much forced into working with an IC and I thought for sure she would go maybe for a month or two and say okay everything's fine and had she done that I would have left but she stuck with it for about a year and a half

Also, I'm calling BS that she can't remember if they had sex once or twice. If she said she can't remember if they did it 50 or 60 times I could understand but BS that she can't remember if it was once or twice. Not to throw salt on an open wound but just because she confessed to once or twice doesn't mean that's the truth

Your emotions are going to be on a roller coaster for a very long time and this is normal. You might wake up one morning with her lying next to you in bed and feel like everything is okay again and then 5 minutes later you might be crying or you might be angry and again this is all normal

She needs to figure out what is broken or missing in her that allowed her to set aside her moral convictions and do something that can absolutely destroy a man and a marriage. Until you can absolutely believe that she has fixed or found whatever was broken inside her she is not a safe partner for you

Eragorn:

Good idea on the polygraph even though I hate to be that extreme.

A polygraph is NOT extreme whatsoever! Remember that your wife lied to you for YEARS. She stole your agency: had you known before the wedding she’s a proven cheater, would you have still married her? Think that through!

I feel like i need to keep her on edge knowing that I may leave her for her to be completely honest.

Your 100% best move is to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that divorce is on the table, and you must mean it. Keep pounding home the truth that the ONLY *possible* chance this marriage survives is if she is 100% honest NOW and discloses ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. I absolutely agree with others: her not remembering if she had sex with him two times or once over the course of a YEAR is a crock of 💩. Tell her that! Please know that EA + proximity = a ton of sex, most of the time. Your wife would be a unicorn if she was in the same area as the other man and "only had sex once, maybe twice". I can’t tell you how many betrayers start with "it was only once or twice", over the course of a YEAR, only to have the ugly truth of so much more spill out later.

Listen to Pogre here. His wife didn’t start becoming remorseful until he started calling D attorneys IN FRONT OF HER. And here’s the kicker: HE MEANT IT. And you must as well. This cannot be a bluff. If you cave, you’ll lose any respect she ever had for you. And is that a marriage you want? Imo, you have Biblical grounds for divorce: she’s guilty of porneia and gross deception and betrayal into marriage. You very well may have sent her packing (and should have) had you found out prior to marriage.

Please understand I’m not saying you must D. I am saying unless she feels the weight of a strong and real possibility of D, she most likely will not share the full truth with you, and without honesty, the M is doomed. Sure, you can sweep it under the rug and whistle past the graveyard, but it will eat at you the rest of your life. Do enough reading here and you’ll see that’s the sad truth.

As has been mentioned, you also must ask her to write out a comprehensive timeline of EVERYTHING. Have her write it out, and give her only a few days max to complete. Then have her hand you a copy. Then she reads it out to you - watch her closely as she does. Then tell her she will sit for a polygraph, that she must personally pay for, and tell her if she fails, that will be the conclusive end of the marriage. Tell her if she now adds to the timeline, you promise to consider things for 30 days, but if more spills out later, that you and this marriage are done. You must be firm.

You’re already tempted to think such actions are extreme, you may think this is "revenge" but that’s categorically FALSE. These actions are your only hope of POSSIBLY saving this marriage, and after many YEARS, potentially build a good marriage, where she’s "willing to crawl over broken glass" for however long as it takes to prove to you she’s worth keeping.

Keep posting!

That's so intense. You are right, if she told me after her affair not a chance I'd be here today. I know it's different being where I sit now but there's just no way it would have worked out. Its incredibly unfair that she put me in this position after we got married had a child and another on the way. I do think she genuinely wants to give me a full timeline and doesn't want to provide more details until she is ready.

I also don't know exactly how much detail I want. I want to know everything but maybe not pain shopping... specific things they did in bed etc..

I hate this so much but yes truth is the only way forward. I cannot believe I am in this situation.

It sucks brother, I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

You might want to print this out for her (again without revealing this site): https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/

It should help her understand what you’re going through. There’s also a book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair by Linda MacDonald that many people have found useful.

Perhaps she really did get inspired to confess and just kind of blurted it out without preparation. These materials might help her get herself ordered.

First, you are in a good place here. Keep posting regularly.

Next...please, please do NOT go to a normal therapist. Especially do NOT let your wife go to a normal therapist. They will find ways to excuse her affair.

You need to find a Betrayal Trauma Specialist. They are out there and you often see them virtually.

Get the book Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays.

Go to YouTube and search Dr. Jake Porter and start listening to his content. It will all begin to make sense what you are going through.

Tell the other spouse ASAP.

Seek God daily. Read through Psalms slowly.
He will show up for you.🙏

Well I already went and she has an appointment with the same lady on Monday. She has worked through infidelity and trauma before. Should i still have her go on Monday? She needs help getting her entire story/ timeline of the A pulled together for me.

We both agree that we need a full picture of what happened to share with me to even understand if we are going to R or D.

In terms of telling the other spouse. Should that come from her or me? Any idea how I would be able to contact the other spouse? Is this truly a necessity? It is so much to put someone through, like I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But I also should not be gatekeeping the truth from her.

Is this truly a necessity? It is so much to put someone through,

She has a right to know the truth of her marriage. Sooner or later she will be making major life decisions believing she’s doing so with a trustworthy partner. Or maybe she’s suspected something for years and has been gaslighted into doubting her gut feelings. She also needs to be tested for STD’s. If the ap was willing to go after a friend’s partner it’s probably not his only affair.

Would you have wanted someone to tell you what your wife was doing? Of course you would. It should come from you.

As far as the timeline, she needs to write it out now. She doesn't need a lot of time. My wife stalled for weeks just to get us through the holidays and it's still a problem for me

Absolutely, I agree it needs to happen. My wife was hesitant because the AP described his wife as suicidal. Obviously her saying this triggered me.

In regards to the timeline she has blocked out allot of the details throughout the couple of years due to shame and regret etc .. is what she is telling me and she needs a therapists help to unpack it.

She is dead serious about getting it correct and doesn't want to leave anything at out at all. What are your thoughts? Ive heard its best to make sure she has the full truth and nothing but the truth prepared rather than having to revisit and change the story in the future. She said she is assuming I'll be contacting AP to make sure the story is correct.

In regards to tell the wife. How should I do this? Like an apologitic letter? Leave it open if she needs to reach out to me? Include any details at all or just simply say your husband had an affair with my wife? Any recommendations or resources on this?