SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sometimes it's just sad that one decision can ruin moments that were so enjoyable or benign previously. We were watching a football game yesterday with some family and one of the coaches has recently been caught in an affair (all over the tabloids so you probably know the story if you're a sports fan) and of course someone pipes up and says "I wonder if his side-piece is watching the game"...everyone chuckles and cracks a few jokes . Stuff like this doesn't sting like it did 2,3, 4 years ago but it still is like a wet blanket on an otherwise positive social event we were attending together. It inevitably makes the car ride home together a bit more tense although we've become better at working through stuff like this so that it doesn't linger for a week like it did early on.

Humor is sometimes an exorcism for things we don’t want in our lives.

Death, disease, disability, betrayal. They get this jokes because putting into a funny light lessens the discomfort we feel when unavoidably our empathy connects the thing to "what if it happens to me…".

In your case, this happened to you.
So more than a trigger is a flare of an old wound you suffered.

Trigger is if it drives you into a reactive path that makes you lose control and direction.

This doesn’t seem like what happened to you.
You felt the sting because is a painful life memory, but it seems you reached a point where you can integrate it.

I would say is not a bad sign.

I have to admit I get a little bit of satisfaction when moments like that happen. (for him not me)

My bad

I'm 17 months removed from d day. I totally understand how some triggers can put a wet blanket over something otherwise enjoyable.

We were listening to a song yesterday I've always had a soft spot for, "If I Were a Carpenter." There's a line in it, "I'll give you my onlyness. Give me your tomorrow." It immediately hit me that that's exactly what we promised 28 years ago. To give each other our "onlyness," and I did that for 28 years. She did not.

Kinda ruined the moment we were having, listening to a song that I had always thought had a deeply meaningful message of love and commitment.

Yup. If you let it, it steals the joy from moments. I guess the key is to not let it but that's way easier said than done. During my last therapy session we talked a lot about what these triggers do for me and it's really become more about anger in terms of the AP being able to live his best life right now with no repercussions whatsoever for what happened. His fiance/now wife has no idea and I've chosen to keep it that way for reasons I've shared previously (he's a loose cannon who would 100% tell my kids, friends, family, etc and I'VE made the choice to not let it get to that point). The whole notion of him "getting away with the crime" re-surfaces when the triggers happen more so than anger or grief from the affair itself. 5 years is a pretty solid number when it comes to processing grief like this and I'd say I'm at that point and it's more about these feelings of him not having to deal with any of this over the last few years. My choice but the feelings are there nonetheless. I could change it all with one stroke of the pen and a letter to his wife and I've been close many times but it's just not worth it. My WW has done everything possible to keep our R on track and for that I'm thankful but knowing that he's not had to deal with one bit of anxiety out of all of this is tough to swallow. Probably being petty but these are feelings I need to figure out how to process.

Don’t be so sure about getting away with anything as the cheater has to mice with the fact that you could blow up his world at any time.

In fact, he may continue to cheat throughout his marriage so he’s always going to be looking over his shoulder.

Based on what I’ve seen, some cheaters just move on to the next AP or there is delays someone waiting in the wings.

Looking back through your post history, it strikes me that you chose not to reveal the affair to many people—or perhaps anyone in your social and family circle. I completely understand why you made that call at the time; protecting your kids from the fallout and avoiding wider drama is a very common impulse. However, this exact scenario is precisely why I generally don't advocate for keeping the secret. When people around you are left in the dark, they naturally make offhand, insensitive comments and jokes about infidelity without realizing the depth of the wound they are poking.

Ultimately, maintaining that silence—even just by omission—doesn't do anything to aid you, your recovery, or your family's long-term health. All it really accomplishes is shielding your wife from the natural consequences of her choices while forcing you to swallow the pain in silence to keep up appearances.
On top of that, keeping this hidden actively protects the Affair Partner and leaves their spouse in the dark. Infidelity is a profound violation of consent and agency; by covering it up, the AP is allowed to continue deceiving and emotionally abusing their own partner, who remains trapped in a fraudulent marriage without the facts needed to make informed choices about their own life and health.

It is not too late to break that pattern. You don't have to carry the burden of protecting everyone else's comfort at the expense of your own peace. The next time someone makes a casual joke or remark like that, you have every right to set a firm, quiet boundary and speak the truth. You can simply say:

"I don't actually find jokes like that funny. My wife cheated on me, and navigating that has been extraordinarily tough."

Calling it out puts the discomfort back where it belongs instead of requiring you to absorb it every time infidelity comes up in conversation

I'm not sure healing can ever take place when you are living this lie.