SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have just ruined a 12 year relationship. I cheated on my partner six years ago with a one night stand and confessed to it immediately. It broke my partner’s heart but she learned to forgive me and I was the partner I was before and after the incident, and should have always been.

Our relationship recovered and was full except that our sex life was non existent. It was never very frequent apart from the first 3/4 years but it really tailed off after 4/5 years. Once in six months was the worst, but generally it was once every three months or less frequent. I’m M34 and she is 38.

The lack of sex caused me a lot of issues, I have a high libido and was frequently masturbating which was a poor substitute for intimacy.

I brought the topic up with my partner about 1.5 and 1 years ago to try and improve things. She felt we were having enough sex, I did not. We were going to work on it but by that point I think I had compartmentalised sex and masturbation as something separate from intimacy with my partner. She didn’t agree to counselling and we weren’t able to change. Everything else in our relationship was perfect.

I started going for lengthy massages in dodgy place with topless women, the sort of places you could pay for more. I would get a massage and masturbate, I obviously got caught out in the end. I don’t expect reconciliation is possible from such a humiliating act.

I scarcely believe the person I have become, I am ashamed. I know this is me focussed but it feels like a me problem.

I have broken both our hearts, I have destroyed a gentle soul and lost the love of my life. We had such a good time.

I’m going to see a therapist for sex addiction, sexism and relationships. I obviously have problematic behaviours and I need to correct them. I’m contrite and in the depths of despair.

Would prefer helpful advice but I’ll get what I get.

I haven’t got a lot of advice for you at this point, except for you to be more specific about the nature of the advice that you are seeking, and what were you doing, how did the truth emerge, and how has your significant other taken the news this far; what’s actually been said?

Like, the fact you were getting a massage in a dodgy place is probably embarrassing in and of itself, but WERE you paying for… ahem… "more"? And… how much "more"? And, were diseases caught/transmitted? Also, what was/were the stated reason(s) for the difference of opinion regarding sexual frequency within the primary relationship?

Thank you for the comments.

I think the professional advice I’m seeking is how to stop disassociating sexual gratification with emotion. I also think I might have become addicted to masturbation. I think these two things have become really problematic for me and are the route of the issue.

The truth emerged in the trashiest way ever, a parking fine. I had previously gone to parlours but then went to a hotel which was an escalation in itself. I didn’t have sex but I realised it had escalated and I essentially fled the scene without paying for parking. The irony being that this episode really showed me how far I’d gone and I really think going to the brink made me realise I had an issue. Getting caught has made confront that issue.

She’s obviously disgusted, humiliated, hurt and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t see reconciliation being viable after this. I would do anything to make amends, but I think this is probably unforgivable. It was a physical need, our emotional relationship was great, but I just can’t see that distinction mattering from her perspective.

There wasn’t sex and there weren’t STDs, I think in my sick mind I had cheated and this wasn’t the same as it wasn’t fully sexual nor was it emotional at all.

She just wasn’t as sexually needy as I was. She said she was attracted to me and I was attracted to her but we got to the point it was so infrequent it was impossible to spark anything and I think it became a self fulfilling circle.

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to learn on here but writing things down is helping clarify things for me and maybe I can learn and change.