SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the past I have been intimidated to click and read this section because there were so many pages - so much to grasp - it's hard to jump in the middle. The new PART 3 is what finally made me click and read. And I'm so glad that I did. I need to spend more time here reading, even if I do not post often because there is a lot of wisdom and strength here albeit amidst the struggle.

After D-day my FWH became a Christian - a true Christian - not just someone professing to believe in God because that is how he was raised with no emotion, conviction or action behind it. I was raised a Christian but fell away when I went to college. I became complacent until D-day. That said, although our family now goes to and is involved in a wonderful church I lack good role modeling regarding this situation. I am painfully aware of how "the world" would have me treat FWH's LTA but I struggle with HOW to do this as a Christian; I don't know HOW to do this.

outoftheashes the prayer that you posted - wow - it's awesome. I am going to include it in my daily prayers. As someone else posted... sin/ hate can feel GOOD. It makes me sad to admit, but yeah. As wrong as I know it is... I guess I *like* hating OW. Although I don't *hate* FWH I continue to struggle with a lot of anger toward him. The prayer you posted helped me see HOW to pray for God's will in this situation even though it conflicts with the way I am feeling (& requires giving up some "control"). Thank you.

needfriendshere - Since you mentioned it, I do remember reading about your H making the comment about getting rid of you - I remember reading it, but I didn't connect that it came from YOU until now. I'm certainly happy that you are safe and that your H came to his senses and "woke up." You have been through so much. Yet you are still here in this forum teaching and inspiring others through your own struggles.

Sadlady14.....I incorrectly assumed your husband was the wayward. I am sorry. While much of what I said still applies I want to add the following.

Your husband is afraid. His heart doesn't want to be wounded again. Satan is telling him lies like "See, you idiot, this is why you don't open up." "Your wife never loved you, your parents never loved you....you are unlovable." "If you were smarter and more successful your wife wouldn't have to sleep around" "you deserve that cute waitress that flirts with you.....besides, it's just a cup of coffee.....such a little reward after such horrible treatment by your wife." "You'll never be as good a lover as her OM is" "just wait.....the other shows gonna drop".

Why do I list so many lies? Cause he is under attack. Satan took you out, now he has his sights on him. Satan hates all things good. M and family is GOOD.....designed to be a source of good. Our hearts are the wellspring of life! This is a battle. God and satan are fighting for our hearts! Jesus died to set us free and RESTORE our hearts.

That desire you tried to satisfy through your affair is NOT WRONG!!! How you chose to satisfy it was wrong. Satan tempted you to sin cause if you put that desire to work choosing GOOD, you would have seen your M and family strengthen. Satan fears this. What if you realized your heart was good???? What if you f'ed that God-given desire in right ways, invited your husband onto that narrow path with you? Then satan would have to work harder to kill and destroy.

Regard to hurting your husband where he was hurt before.....

God will allow similar pain into our lives. He does this cause only pain can reveal deeper pain. It must be revealed, exposed to heal. My wife's choices hurt me....and that pain rolled back and attached itself to long-standing, largely unrecognized wounding and pain from my boyhood....including sexual abuse.

Again, satan loved that I was wounded as a child. Loved that I ignored that pain, that I chose sinful things to numb the pain and deflect it. I am finally healing and it feels GOOD. More over, it IS good. Feeling and fact, it is good!

Your husband is testing you....he is feeling vulnerable, being tempted to agree with those voices in his head and treat those strong feelings as facts. Continue to pray and keep doing what you can to reassure him he is loved.

I've noted my wife and I are seldom tempted to sin at the same time. One or the other is attacked. Not sure why, but I think satan doesn't want to run the chance of us teaming up!

No matter....God desires a one on one intimate relationship with us. With him on our side we will not fail. Satan has failed....we have been saved.

When satan reminds you of his past, remind him of his future.

Thanks for the courage you are showing posting on SI. God is working through you for me. Thank you.

forgivingishard....trials move us. Towards God or away. Glad to hear this one is having the adverse affect satan desired!

Wounding can cause a heart to become bitter and hardened. Cool to hear your husband has accepted Jesus and his heart is being restored and healed!

Keep posting!

I don't buy much into the idea of making New Years resolutions, but I made one this year that I feel led to share with you all.

I am going to start keeping a journal of all the things I am grateful to God for. And I have to think of at least three things each day. On a bad day, they may be pretty general like "I am grateful to be alive", "I am glad to have a roof over my head" or "I am thankful for my good friends." And on most days, in the world's eyes, the things I will be grateful for may seem like little or trivial things. But when we begin to acknowledge His hand in the small things in our lives and give Him the glory He deserves, we grow closer to Him and begin to recognize and receive bigger blessings.

Today I thanked Him for beautiful weather which enabled me, H, and DS2 to be able to spend a few hours together outdoors, for His helping me finish a project that I've been dragging my feet on for a year, and for an awesome sermon at church today that confirmed the benefits of sticking to this New Years resolution.

You have all been and will remain in my prayers, we have gone through our toughest times together here in this virtual world, so I want to add that I am also grateful for all of you. Happy New Year to you all and may you all see God's hand in your lives.

You know needsfriendshere the one thing I KNOW....is God NEVER LEAVES US....yea He might leave the 99 sheep for the ONE gone astray...BUT He is God! I am so happy to have faith....a faith that He has put the people in my life for a purpose....

we all have a purpose in this life....

Peace

Amen to that! God is always with us, even in our darkest moments of despair. The trick is for us to recognize Him and the blessings around us. Not always easy.

I love the idea of daily gratitude! Sometimes I have to make myself really think what in the world do I have to be thankful for today?

Today I am feeling humbled by being richly blessed with amazing children! They are such good people. My grandkids are loved and well taken cared of.

I still have to point out to FWH how blessed we are in many ways, but he is getting better. He is learning to rely on his faith in God and accept the fact that he is forgiven and can be healed.

Praying for strength and courage for ALL as we continue on this journey of life! I am grateful to have place to share my thoughts and faith with people who understand what I am going through. #blessed

Heard a beautiful song this morning that I thought I would share...

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea

And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life

Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears?

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst

This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise?

Strongheart,

What is the name of that song? I love the lyrics and would like to download it for my playlist.

Pinkjeeplady, somehow this made me cry:

He is learning to rely on his faith in God and accept the fact that he is forgiven and can be healed.

Partly because I KNOW the joy you are feeling and I am happy for you and for your H. Praise God! But also because my H is far from this. We attend a wonderful new church and a home group within it but he still is distant toward God. when DS2 and I talk about the Lord, he leaves the room. When we pray, he doesn't join us - he makes excuses. He is holding back that which I pray he would release to the Lord. I sometimes worry that he is slipping back into old habits, thus his reluctance to really give his life to God. Please pray for my H. I so believe in the power of prayer!

BTW, yesterday I had much to be thankful for. I am really enjoying recording how I see God's hand in my life each day. It is eye-opening and makes me love Him more than ever!

It's called "Blessings" by Laura Story

Strongheart - beautiful song!

Needfriendshere- I sure will pray for your H! Thank you for sharing our joy we are experiencing in our healing process. Oh man, what a rough road it has been. My FWH distanced himself from God too, he didn't feel worthy to receive God's love. Self worth is still a struggle. He is working through a faith based 12 step program that helps a lot. Plus he is making new friendships among our congregation. We had a group of church friends our age over for a holiday dinner recently. We had never done that but I was hopeful it would help build his self esteem. It worked! He helped me with all the preparations and we had a wonderful time visiting with our new friends. (We have only lived in this area for 3 years.)

We have prayed together twice a day since the beginning of our marriage, but FWH really struggled with doing so after dday. We kept at it and he slowly began to feel more confident in his prayers. It has been so good to hear his genuine and sincere prayers for both of us. Even when we are mad, sad and upset we try and make ourselves pray together. I think it's really helped bring peace and calmness.

I too believe in the power of prayer - don't give up my friend!

Pinkjeeplady,

This is key:

Plus he is making new friendships among our congregation

DS2, our believing son, begs me to help H find some Christian friends. H's only male friends are his high school buddies that he played football with and they are a motley crew. Two of them have left their wives for younger women, two others have cheated and brag about it - one of them in front of his wife, who just says, "Oh ------, they don't want to hear about THAT..."

We are in a home group, but it is not the same thing. H needs some positive role-models, mentors, so to speak - guys he can hang out with who are believers. Please join me in this specific prayer.

Thanks, Strongheart, for the song! I am going to download it pronto!

Thank you and hugs to you all!!

Prayer warriors, please pray for us. The devil is fighting hard against our reconciliation. The OW's pregnancy is straining us and my H made the wrong judgment call in communicating with her without involving me (specifically lying to me about their contact) regarding the pregnancy. She confirmed that he told her he is with me and that's not changing, although she spent quite a bit of time trying to change his mind and then trying to make him feel guilty, I'd say in an attempt to get him to leave. He's torn apart with guilt and now needs to deal with some previous unresolved issues coming to light because of this issue from his FOO. We are seeing a new counselor tonight and I'm hoping it will help. I truly believe he wants to be better, do better, but lacks the discernment to make his decisions based on fact rather than feeling and his feelings are that he avoid conflict at all costs, which could cost us our marriage. The baby is due on Valentine's Day and the upcoming event has us both on edge and walking on eggshells, not to mention my struggles with insecurities and doubt, especially because of this latest incident. I'm trying so hard to give it to God, to work hard to forgive the pair of them and to be hopeful for the future, but some days its hard to breathe. It was easier to be positive about the future when I believed we would all be able to work together as adults, but from this latest interaction with the OW, it is clear her thoughts and motives are both selfish and immature. She cannot look at this from anyone else's perspective or will not, I'm not sure which. She has accused my H of F'ing her life up, to which he responded this is affecting all of us equally. She won't deal with me at all, making my boundaries of needing to be involved in all aspects of this difficult. Please pray for strength and wisdom for my FWH and I both. Please pray for him to be discerning in his decisions and for us to have patience and forgiveness for one another.

(((outoftheashes)))

I just prayed for you and will keep doing so. Valentines Day, huh? Ugh! That's my Dday. I will remember to pray extra hard on that day. As for this:

from this latest interaction with the OW, it is clear her thoughts and motives are both selfish and immature.

They all are, honey. Only a selfish person would sleep with another person's spouse. I have come to believe that infidelity - especially long-term infidelity - is one of the most selfish acts a person can engage in. Hang in there. I hope I am not out in left field here, but I also prayed that the baby would not be your H's. Any chance of that?

needfriendshere, thank you. And you're right, they all are, I guess I was just hoping the baby situation would cause her to at least be somewhat mature.

PLEASE keep praying the baby is not my H's and thanks for thinking of it. Yes, she was also sleeping with the father of her other children, in my opinion, she keeps him stringing along so he will continue to do things for her. He offered to raise the baby, no DNA test, because he just wants to be with her, but she refused. (As a matter of fact, my H asked her to get an abortion, not something he is proud of but it is what it is, she refused, but when she realized the potential for the other guy to be the father (she slept with them in the same week from the dates she gave my husband), she said she wished she would have listened to him). Anyway, the other guy paid $1700 to have a prenatal DNA test done at her request. They only sent in samples from her and him, at that point she and my H were NC. That test came back 0% for the other guy. We're operating out of the assumption it is my H's child, but I have found cases of those prenatal tests being wrong. I'm trying not to count on it as the number of cases are not many, but our God is a God of miracles, so I pray many times a day that it is not my husband's child. My husband was also praying constantly that it is not his, however, the last time we talked about it, he said he still prays for that, but not as often, I think he's resigned himself to it being his, which is what caused this latest go round with her. She initiated contact and he felt guilty. I do think my husband is struggling greatly with depression and is having a hard time forgiving himself. He does not open up well in counseling, which is why my counselor suggested we see a new counselor better equipped to deal with these issues as I can help be a support/buffer. I pray it helps. I know in my heart God will walk me and us, through this storm no matter what, but I so selfishly don't want the baby to be his, for multiple reasons obviously. I appreciate the support and prayers offered here. Thank you friends.

StrongHeart - That is a beautiful song.

needfriendshere - I will pray for your H - specifically that some good Christian men will enter his life and will influence him positively.

outoftheashes - I have prayed for you, as well - that the baby will not be your H's and that if it is that He will give you both the strength you will need to deal with it and with OW. And that you will join together as one instead of letting it pull you apart. I also prayed for OW that her heart will be changed - especially if the baby turns out to be your H's. I hope the baby is not his. This may be the wrong thing to say in this section, but I hope that the baby turns out to be belong to someone else entirely. Perhaps there were more men that she was willing to admit to.

Valentine's Day is a bad time for me, as well.

Last year on 2-13 OBS came to our house crazy drunk and out of control. I was home alone 6 months pregnant with our other 2 kids. We live out in the country with no close neighbors. It was a terrifying experience and it traumatized both of our older children, but especially our son, who has since developed an anxiety disorder (as the result of this experience). The kids have already brought up fears that OBS will come back to our house on or around V-day this year. We have a restraining order against him, but since that doesn't stop crazy anger... I have to admit I have some anxiety that he will return, as well. Certainly not as bad as a D-day or impending birth of OC, but I too share some anxiety about that date.

Forgivingishard, how scary for you and your children! I'll be praying for you for no repeat visit this year. I'm so sorry you had to experience that!

I had already told my husband he had ruined Valentine's Day for me as last year he told me he thought he wanted to separate out of nowhere with no apparent explanation (looking back, I should have seen the signs of an affair, but I trusted him because that's what we're supposed to do). When I first found out the OW was pregnant and called her and asked her due date, I could have guessed it would be that. I think the percentage of women who actually deliver on their due dates is pretty low, but I'm certain that won't be the case here. I'm sure we'll all be communing on this site that day for support.

Thank you for the prayers, please keep storming Heaven. I'm praising God for putting the right people in our lives, the new counselor we met with last night was great and while my husband was still not 100% comfortable, he opened up more last night than in any other session with anyone else we met with and we addressed some tough topics right off the bat and H is willing to go back. Our new sermon series at Church is focused on being authentic and the first sermon last Sunday really spoke to my husband, we both had tears in our eyes throughout. It's a six week sermon, taking us right up to the due date, which I truly believe is the Holy Spirit's timing. One thing I wanted to share with all of you... My son started preschool on September, a Christian preschool. Each month, he has a memory verse and I believe God has been working through him and these verses for us, his verse that he received the week I found out about the pregnancy was "forgive as the Lord forgave you" and the following month it was "Give thanks to the Lord for he is good". This month's I believe is appropriate for everyone here and not a verse I've ever heard in a school environment for memory: "he stilled the storm to a whisper". That is what I'm praying for all of us, that he stills our storms to a whisper.

Thank you all for the support and prayers!

God’s promises: This morning I was catching up on reading postings here in STP-part 3. I read Sadlady14 post. I found her posts tugging at my heart. I wanted to speak to her heart, to help her, but what can I say to a person in her position? A position that was uniquely different than mine. I couldn’t draw from my own personal experiences. So I did the only thing I knew I could do. I began praying for the Lord to help her. As I was praying the verse Joshua 14:11 popped into my head. I looked it up and read all of Joshua 14 and this is what I came away with. It was about a promise that God had made to Joshua and because Joshua wholeheartedly followed the Lord he received the promise. That made me wonder what were all the promises that God made to his children. So I began a google search for the promises. FYI, my search found a source that stated there are over 3000 of the Lords promises. YIKES! Well, I hadn’t planned on reading all of the promises today so I just read the first 5 verses. They are:

Psalms 37:4, John 3:16 & 15:7-8, Romans 8:1-39, and Philippians 4:6-9. The thing is I don’t think these verses were just for me today. I believe they were for all of us here in STP-part 3 and especially for Sadlady14. I could have copied and pasted each verse for you but that would have taken up a lot of room for a post . I hope some of you will take the time and read these beautiful promises that our lord has made for you and I. I personally would love to have them branded into my mind and heart. So my prayer today is for each one of you here at STP-part 3 is to be the recipients of his promises.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL, HIHN

hihn

Thank you for sharing these verses with us on STP 3. Sometimes we need reminded of His promises and faithfulness by reading it in His word.

I continually pray for all of us in STP. This is a difficult journey for us all.

Thank you all who pray for this group and our passages through the deep valley of betrayal.

needfreindshere I agree wholeheartly with your statement.

I have come to believe that infidelity - especially long-term infidelity - is one of the most selfish acts a person can engage in.

Maybe that is why God has disdain for it and speaks about adultery 13 different times throughout the bible that I know of.

[This message edited by hihn at 2:33 PM, January 11th (Monday)]

Both God and satan are fighting for the same thing....our hearts.

God knows if we USE our hearts we are taping into the well-spring of life and can do great things (cause thats where the Holy Spirit lives within us).

Satan knows if he can make us bitter, resentful and fearful we will box our hearts away....making us easy prey to steal from, kill and destroy.

Hope is to the soul like breath is to the body. Adultery is the weapon of mass destruction in the spiritual battle we are all in. God recognizes this and is why he instructs us to guard our hearts.....but that does NOT mean keep it off the battle field! It is mission-critical.

I am seeing just how my childhood, how my wifes childhood had us taking our hearts out!

Take out the husband\wife.....you take out the family.....you stand a good chance of taking out the next generation. (Which is the story of both my wife and I....but we are not taken out!. Shot, yes, but we can still fight)