SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Steadychevy,

Praying for others is a good start. I like to believe that God placed those people on your heart. Then, as Brokenhearted said, mini conversations with God begin and you open up your heart to Him and let Him know you in your deepest place. That's when true healing comes.

I wish you all a holiday season where healing will take place, making 2016 a year of joy and laughter. I used to laugh a lot and really miss it.

Needfriendshere, thank you. The due date is Valentine's Day, which seems both terrifyingly close and forever away. I appreciate the prayers and support.

I wanted to share something I've been reading/praying. I feel called to forgive the OW, simply because I've been forgiven, but also because she may end up being a very real part of our life soon through this child (our choice to be involved, I know there are many conflicting thoughts and opinions on that subject, but that is one we feel fairly strongly about). We are currently NC with her until the child is here, but my previous interactions left me frustrated and angry. I've been praying for God to show himself to her and work in her life. However, I've found the most peace with a prayer I found in the book "Dancing with the Scars", which I highly recommend. It reads as such: "Dear God, I believe that Your will and plan is best in all things and I want to honor You in every area of my life. Someone has hurt me, harmed me and abused me and You have asked me to forgive them for my own sake. My mind and heart say no, they don't deserve it and my emotions cry out for justice. But as Your Son prayed in the Garden, so, too, so I say to you as the Lord of my life, nevertheless, 'not my will, but Yours be done.' Help me to pardon the undeserving through a supernatural outpouring of Your spirit of grace upon me, no matter how I think or feel. May Your will be done in my life and may I truly forgive even as You have forgiven me."

Every day I recite this prayer, some days I recite this (inserting her name) in tears and some days I need help choosing to forgive my H again and I speak it with his name. This has been the single most prayer I have found that has brought me peace. I still struggle with the anger and resentment of her manipulation (we believe she tried, or at the very least, hoped to become pregnant), but it has become much lighter of a load since finding this. The author of the book goes on to explain that even if we don't want to forgive, we are praying God's will, not ours. Some days I really don't want to forgive her because she doesn't deserve it, but this reminds me that neither do I.

Hugs and prayers to everyone here.

Wonderful prayer!

Forgiveness is an act of the will. If you waited to forgive until you feel like it, it might never happen. As I have reflected on sin it appears to me it is almost always "felt into", with facts noticeably missing. Sin FEELS good.....if it didn't it wouldn't be tempting. Sure the consequences feel bad, but the sin itself feels good.

I too have found forgiveness to be a process. The pain tempts me to use my wife's choices against her. The pain of my choices tempts me to use my poor choices against me. That's from satan, not God. I KNOW that, but I'm telling you I still have temptations strong enough at times to make that destructive choice seem almost healthy!

This is a battle.

Kicker is, I was in a battle before my wife's affair....I just never faced that fact.

A child is a blessing. I've added y'all to my prayer list as your journey moves forward.

We know a couple whose wife cheated on her husband and became pregnant. That child is welcomed into a loving home by the fWW and BH. An act that foiled satans plan of bitterness and destruction.

blakesteele, I agree, forgiveness is an act of will and is certainly not for the fainthearted. Thank you for adding us to your prayer list.

I agree a child is a blessing and while the situation is one I'd like to avoid, and not expose my son or family to, I'm not concerned about our ability to love her. God must have been preparing me for this day because I spent some time working in an adoption agency and know without a doubt that parenting does not rely on genetics, but rather, attitude and love. Please, when you pray, also pray for the OW. My bigger concern is her, her attitude towards the situation, my concern that she'll attempt to use this child as a pawn and the temptation I worry she may present to my husband. He is absolutely appalled at his poor decisions that led to this and with her behavior since, however, I struggle with us being involved with OW regularly, NC won't be an option for us with a child involved. We do believe the OW planned, or at the very least hoped, to become pregnant thinking that would spur my H to leave me. Then she had a prenatal DNA test done with the other man she slept with during the same time frame that was negative and became frustrated when that did not spur my H to leave me. I'm worried she'll attempt to shut me out, as H would like me involved in all interactions with her, for my piece of mind. She has not taken responsibility for her role in this yet, rather saying she knows she shouldn't have slept with him, but she was justified because she had feelings for him and continuously told me how hurt she was. I pray daily for God to work in her life and her heart in addition to helping me forgive her.

Needfriendshere:

I used to laugh a lot and really miss it

I feel the same way. Its hard to remember how carefree I was before the affair. Of course it wasn't really carefree because there were stresses and worries and I can see now how the devil took advantage of that, but it seems carefree looking back through the pain and fog of betrayal. I'm not sure how people survive this without knowing our God.

There is nothing like a health-related scare to make you really look at yourself, your situation, your life.

I had a severe cardiac reaction to some antibiotics the doctor gave me for a mild case of pneumonia. My chest hurt, I could not breathe, my heart beat was fast and irregular. I thought "this is it". I needed medication just to "settle things down" and now am on daily heart meds. But I am praising God that this happened.

I look at H now and see how hard he is really trying. I see love and compassion in his eyes. I see true remorse for what he did during those dark years. At least for now (God, please let there be no more TT or surprises from OW), I know I can truly forgive everything. I have a folder full of all the texts OW sent me and a diary of all the pain I have suffered since Dday. After the holidays (because they are in my other house), I want to go through them one by one, tear them up, and throw them away. The Lord does not keep a record of my wrongs. Why in heaven's name have I been keeping a record of his?

Does this mean that I will no longer feel the pain of H's LTA? Probably not. The pain cuts to the depths of my being. But I can really forgive and. consequently, let up on FWH. I don't need to know why anymore and I certainly do not need to know anymore of the "whats" behind his indiscretion. I know that now. And it feels good...

Today I stuggled with saying I love you. My FWH has not said it. When I mentioned that I noticed it, he mentioned that it was because I did not say it back. I just say thank you. I have told him I love him, but dont do the mushy casual "love yous". Those words were the first text indicator that showed me his affair. I told him it was hard to say it because of that. I wrote him a note saying the words should not be conditional. You should say it without strings...anyway, we are studying "4 Loves" by CS Lewis. Hopefully that will help clarify things. I don't know if I should force myself to say it, (fake it until you make it) or just let it come Naturally. I will pray about it and search my heart.

I'm not sure how forgiveness plays a role in said senerio. I don't know the time line, but need to prepare my heart and start the process. (6 weeks post dday.) Sometimes these things humble you as you see more clearly the places where you need improvement.

Blessings

I just want to say I am praying for everyone on this site. But today I feel stronger for some reason. The pain I feel is being healed slowly but surely. GOD IS GOOD.when I feel that intense pain I place my hand over my heart and talk to God. I ask him to heal and deliver. . Just having quiet time in the midst of a storm with God is really helping

steadychevy

Have you tried praying that God would help your WW see herself as God sees her? I have been praying that for my SAWS for a longtime. He has very low self-esteem. She may not be able to work because all she see's is the ugliness of the sin she choose to allow in.

One day and one step at a time.

You know,Brokenhearted, I haven't. I have prayed for my wife as in to get her fixed. I haven't prayed for her to see herself as God sees her. My prayers have probably been based on selfish reasons. What a good idea.

When we are told "pray for your enemies" I used to think you are praying they get what they want, what they are fighting for. I thought this cause my prayer life was like that....praying for what I wanted, for MY will.

As I mature through this trial I see now "praying for our enemies" is to pray they are convicted and choose, by their own free will, to do Gods will. And I had this change of heart as my own prayers for myself have moved to ones of conviction (and courage to do what my heart is being convicted of).

Sometimes I actually feel MORE peaceful as trials in my life ro up.....with a sense of "wow, look how the battle has intensified....I must be getting close to the narrow path."

And sometimes I still think "crap. Really?!? REALLY!!!??? THIS is what I must do?" Smile.

My husband and I were arguing quietly in the church hallway before service this morning about how I can't embrace the future if Im not opening my self up to volnerability and believing that my husband can change. Something I'm trying to do, but it's only been 6 weeks. I am probably botching it all up, but our pastor gave a great benediction today saying that in order to embrace the miracle that God has for you in the future, and you have changed your ways of thinking , you have to run from your past and realize there is nothing you can do about the past but turn away from your sins and accept what you have done....only then can you accept and receive the miracle.

Sleeplessincali,

It has only been 6 weeks since you found out? My advice is to spend as much time on your knees before God as possible. It is a rough, rough road without Him. Any time I try to go it alone, I just about want to die. God has been my one constant through all of this. He is my hope, my strength, my salvation. He is the only One I can ever completely trust and that's ok.

As for forgiveness, He has helped me to do that. And it is freeing. So freeing that it is miraculous. But has He called me to stay in a marriage with someone I may never trust again? With someone who spent 6 years treating another woman like a treasure while he pretty much treated me like he hated me - with his actions, his words, with his complete disregard for my health and well-being? I am still not sure. But I also am not fretting over it anymore. I am enjoying my time with FWH, whom I have on a very short leash, so to speak. If he cheats again - even if it is an EA (which is what he had with multiple women before hooking up with OW), I will lovingly yet systematically boot him from my life. And it will be ok. I will be ok. I realize that now and, once again, I thank God for that.

I guess there are a few ways this can all play out - we either divorce them from the get-go because A's are a deal-breaker, we choose to stay with our remorseful FWS's for the long haul pretty much no matter what they did, or we give R an honest chance, HOPING it will work out but knowing we will be ok if it doesn't. I am in the last category and am at peace about it.

SteadyChevy, you may not get all the answers you are looking for, but I pray you get the love and devotion from your FWW that you are seeking - and that you deserve after all you have invested in your relationship with her. I pray that as she receives healing from her past, that you will reap the benefits of it. I realize that both FWH and I were broken in our own way. To put it bluntly, both of us had screwed up childhoods. My H won't admit it, though, and that is a problem. His brothers saw it and I see it but he refuses to. And, frankly, if we don't make it, that will be why.

All I wish for all of you is peace - no matter what road you (prayerfully) choose.

needfriendshere, thank you for your prayers. I am like your third category just like you are. I keep hoping but am running out of patience. I am not really at peace with it but I am prepared for it.

I probably will never get answers to all of my questions but I would like to see a concerted, genuine attempt to find the answers. That she is doing it because she wants to not because I want her to.

I wonder if there are really any families that aren't dysfuntional to some degree. That there aren't some sort of FOO issues but somehow most (am I naive?) soldier on and try to improve their lot. I am the oldest of 10 children born over a 14 year span. We were dirt poor. I remember my childhood with great fondness. I wish I could have provided my daughters with more of the growing up pleasures I had. But there were issues. What I remember though was knowing I was loved and cherished. What a difference that makes to a child.

I pray, needfriends, that your WH has a breakthrough. That something happens so he can see the brokenness and start digging deeper. And prayers for strength, understanding, compassion for all of us.

I just typed out the above post and posted it. I am sitting here just feeling like a hypocrite. It seems to me I am acting - what are the right words? - godly or pure or something. But I have such anger, such unforgiveness, such judgement, such thoughts of revenge (vengence is mine sayeth the Lord), such condemnation. The list can go on. It is not complete. I felt a need to unload that.

SteadyChevy,

Just by confessing those contradictory feelings, God can begin to bring you peace. You are human and your feelings are normal. I used to pray for H with all my heart and then walk around my house muttering under my breath, "How could you? I hate you". What God wants from us is for us to be genuine before Him. The anger will pass in time. As we trust in Him all the negative feelings become transformed to something less negative.

In my case, peace has come through resignation. I know my H is weak. And that he is really doing little to change his ways. I catch him watching things he should not be watching on TV or on his iPod. I watch him try not to flirt in front of me, knowing he is doing it when I am not around. I know he loves me and that is really good. And I know he really wants our M to work. But I also see him walking on thin ice sometimes. So I have resigned myself to the fact that this just may not work out. God is powerful and can work miracles but He also gave us all free will.

If you are indeed in the same place as me, your anger and other such feelings will subside. What feelings take their place depends largely on what actions your FWW takes. I pray for healing for you both and for your M.

Betrayal is a particularly nasty beast to conquer because it involves free will on the part of the betrayer. It involves a real desire to change in the case of infidelity. I pray all our spouses do the work they need to do to become safe, loving, trustworthy partners to us again. When that happens, the bad feelings will be gone. The scars may remain but our thoughts will be more in line with His.

Whoa, SteadyChevy. Hold on a second.

I am sitting here just feeling like a hypocrite. It seems to me I am acting - what are the right words? - godly or pure or something.

Couple things that need to be shown in the true light they are;

First, you FEEL like a hypocrite. Thats cool, I do to as I break free from long-standing (comfortable) coping mechs and start choosing what I know to be factually correct. So have all the feelings you have.....just don't let them have you. Feelings, no matter how strong they are, are just feelings. Feelings are not facts. They are indicators that something might be up, so pop the hood and take a look.

Second, so much of life is behavior and habit. You are finding your wounds, seeing your choices in the harsh light of truth and are courageously tending to those wounds and changing your habits. Its gonna feel strange....like walking for the first time. You WON'T feel like "you" because you are changing!!! I can tell you I do not recognize the man I am today.....had no idea I could be this man, don't fully know who I am even yet...........but I know who I was and thank God often that I am no longer that guy.

Third, satan is going to remind you of your past. He's going to whisper things in your ear like "see? you haven't changed at all" "you will never be a good guy" "she will never love you" "yeah, she messed up again but don't talk about it because you have too." The lies are endless and will INCREASE as you change and make right choices even when you don't feel like it.

But I have such anger, such unforgiveness, such judgement, such thoughts of revenge (vengence is mine sayeth the Lord), such condemnation. The list can go on. It is not complete. I felt a need to unload that.

You're dang right you need to unload that!!!

From one CoD to another, its our vain attempts to carry that crap for decades that was the fuel to our CoD cycles! We would minimize, justify, deny and a host of other dishonest things to hold onto those crappy feelings and thoughts. Why? Because we felt if we ever dare let them out we would be rejected and abandoned. That the "truth" would be let out and we would be seen for the unlovable fraud we "are".

That mode of operation is NOT who we are, but its who our wounds lied to us and told us we were.

Wounding, if ignored, does all kinds of destructive things within us. And satan loves nothing more for us to deny, ignore and minimize our wounds. He desires this because THEN when even small woundings occur, they hurt exponentially more....and drive us into deeper sinful and destructive ways.

I replied to 2 posts back to back to you SteadyChevy because you are under direct attack right now, brother. I fear you may not recognize this as such and am courageously hollering at you from across the battlefield.

You are NOT a hypocrite, you are new to these new honest ways of living and you will stumble.

You are not evil because you have painful feelings, you are learning what it means to live an integrated life.

Look...this is a war. It is scary. Please keep in mind God knows this. He equips us with a "spirit of power, love and self-discipline". We are called to have our emotions (they are a gift from God) but we are called to control them. And control does not mean ignore or repress them.....we are to harness them.

Satan loved that I didn't know this. He loved to see me as a door mat upon finding out my wife was having sex with another man...and upon DD#2 she still had no interest in being married to me or nurturing a family she agreed to start with me. IF I had found righteous anger, I could have fought satan off. As it was, I laid down and he ran smooth over me.

Man.....you are GOOD!

Keep the faith. keep uncovering that original glory that is deep within you, deeper than even the original sin that can cloud this deeper man who you are.

Not every thought in your head is yours, not every whisper is from God. I've seen it in my own life....as I change long-standing sinful-patterns in my life, the enemy is there to shovel dirt back in the hole in an attempt to keep me from uncovering God's glory in my life.

Peace

Thank you need friends here for your words. I am in the 3rd category. I see my husband as broken at this point and I'm just waiting to see the changes. He was never cruel or hateful though so I'm having trouble knowing if the changes are genuine. (His affair was a secret passive agressive behavior. ) I guess I'm looking for spiritual growth along with some other changes. Our story is still unraveling and hopefully will be an amazing testimony for us later on.

I have been on my face in spiritual battle unaware since my husband started the PA part of his affair with his sugar baby/ "friend"/escort. The "friend" part of his sugar baby interactions went on for a few years while he got to know her and her friends but the physical part was for 3 months. He works away from home and I felt his emotional distance many times texting prayers and scripture unknowing that he was with her. Afterward he realized how spiritually blind he was at the time not seeing how things really were with his "friend " who was using him for money and with me at home and how I loved him and had his back. He knew all of the biblical knowledge for his entire life, but did not believe, or lost his belief. Since his affair experience included demon visions and sleep paralysis that coincided with those 3 months of infedelity, his opinions on spiritual matters have changed since D Day.

"Satan’s goal is to devour the weak who fall prey to temptation, fear, loneliness, worry, depression, and persecution (1 Peter 5:8-9).

Without God and left to ourselves, we easily succumb to the devil’s schemes. We can become so mired in the affairs of this world and its moral darkness that, in the end, God turns us over to spiritual blindness and eternal condemnation (John 12:40; Romans 1:24-32)."

Husband says he was very close to the point of no return but snapped out of it fairly quickly once I found out and confronted him. I had to pray off the demonic oppression and soul ties with the OW on DDay.

I do NOT take Eph 6:12 lightly. I have seen it for my self. I encourage all of you to take the spiritual side of this very seriously. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage and family.

SleeplessinCali,

There is much wisdom here, wisdom I can relate to:

Husband says he was very close to the point of no return but snapped out of it fairly quickly once I found out and confronted him. I had to pray off the demonic oppression and soul ties with the OW on DDay.

I do NOT take Eph 6:12 lightly. I have seen it for my self. I encourage all of you to take the spiritual side of this very seriously. The enemy wants to destroy your marriage and family.

My H says that before I found out, OW had been putting pressure on him to "do away with me" and he is not sure he would not have done it. He said he was so deluded that he "may" have been able to snuff me out with a pillow while I slept. I shared that on this site long ago and people were horrified that I would still stay with him after such a confession. But on Dday, I prayed for 2 hours as H drove home in traffic, and God told me to give him a chance. One chance. H says that something like scales fell from his eyes upon my forgiving him and giving him that chance. Since Dday, we have been attending a more alive church than the one H was President of before I found out. And I can feel the Lord's presence in my home and in my heart like I haven't felt in ages. I believe H does as well.

Yes, the enemy would love to see all of our marriages fail. Marriage is a sacrament, a mystery - likened to the relationship Christ has with His church. It is God uniting 2 people and making them one. My prayer and my goal is to make our marriage work. The only thing that could stand in the way of that now is if H falls again. He knows that if he cheats again - in any way - I have to let him go. Free will is a wonderful gift, but when our will is not united with His, we leave a wide open door for the enemy to walk in and lead us astray - sometimes very far astray. Yes, if H should choose to cheat again, he will be out of my life for good. I would never want to be in a position to tempt him to do any of the unspeakable things his LTA led him or almost led him to do.

Free will is a wonderful gift, but when our will is not united with His, we leave a wide open door for the enemy to walk in and lead us astray - sometimes very far astray. Yes, if H should choose to cheat again, he will be out of my life for good.

Yes this.....darn free will :-)