SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What you have put on paper FL is I find staggeringly brutally honest and beautiful. So much to digest, it will take many rereads and I look forward to doing that. It gives us BS a rare opportunity to have a window into a mind of a FWS and see what is possible, and that is what we need, HOPE that it is possible for a Wayward to achieve what you have. But it also provides insight to every person to look deep into themselves acknowledge their fears, know it will hurt, be painful, difficult, knowing the work on ourselves which ever side of infidelity we come from is ongoing and ultimately worth it. Thank you for all of this

Bump.

Another bump.

Except after onlytime's post on ruminating maybe this wasn't the best title

I had no idea of the psychology behind the word

Notwithstanding onlytime's post, I got a laugh out of "ruminating" when I first read this title.

Swallow a bunch of initially undigestible stuff, let it turn over in your stomach, emit some toxic methane that poisons innocent bystanders, vomit it back up, chew it over again, swallow it again in a more digestible form.

I'm not a cow . . .

(pause for readers to insert obvious jokes, I'm all for finding humor where ever possible)

As I said, I'm not *technically* a cow, but that sounded like an apt metaphor for me.

Well Pippin, when you put that way

Bump.

Bumped for lifeDestroyer

Bumped for Ilovecats.

Bumped for Ilovecats.

Bumped because this is a really good post that should be read by all WS trying to figure out what "doing the work" means.

Bumping for myself. And for new WS who might find themselves ready.

Been lurking for the last two years, and have so much respect for the WS's on here that seem to get it, and stick to it.

This is one of those posts that just needs to be bumped up to the top from time to time. It's a great read for any WS who is trying to figure out what folks are talking about when told "you have to do the work".

foreverlabeled, thank you for sharing this. I will probably read it a few more times.

I didn't know you were a MH. I'm sure you have your reasons for removing your story on your profile. You appear to compartmentalize the different aspects of the betrayals surrounding your marriage. Especially for this initial thread, it was written by you as a WS, not a MH. I guess how did you do it?

I want to work on my waywardness. How do I focus on that, and ignore, compartmentalize, avoid the betrayal?

When asking myself why, yeah it's a narrative that my not so healthy mind would like me to believe. I come up with a lot of things that seem like a very rational explanation but often I mislead myself. Even now in my healthier mindset it still seems like justifications in a way. We can ALL pretty much trace the day to when we broke to our childhood. We all have hurts there and the lies and false beliefs started. I can speculate on why and understand it. But then what? why stay stuck on why..

Asking what, it takes you out of the victim mentality. And like I mentioned I give myself better answers to move forward. So Yeah, I am better able to get to the root of the problem, then learn howto fix it, and then take action.

You can take the why vs what and put it into just about every situation we face whether we are focusing on ourselves or our BSs and I believe it will get us better results.

Is that how you did it? Stop thinking of yourself as a victim? For whatever reason, I cant see past the recent betrayal to correct the problems in me. Am I just making excuses or reasons to avoid hard work? I know I am asking you questions about my intentions. lol That doesn't usually work. sorry for the ramblings.

Neanderthal,

I sometimes think that we identify with one side of betrayal more than the other. I also felt too that in a time that was chaotic and out of my control there was one thing without a doubt that I could control and that was me. You know too, I felt immediate remorse for my actions. Truly. Innately I knew my cheating had everything to do with me and me alone. I mean of course I blameshifted but I didn't believe it for a second. I was just trying to get out of severe trouble.

Um, another thing too, I wanted to unfuck myself, like I didn't know how ready I was until I was forced to face myself and my shit. If this isn't the ultimate reason to get to work and change, I don't I what is.. I was more than ready to try healthy on and see what that was all about.

Its not that I avoided his betrayal, but it didn't traumatize me. It hurt deeply, and he put me through pure hell, he was the WORST wayward, and to this day I'll never understand why knowing damn well how my cheating felt and all the things he needed to heal. And I guess again, innately I knew why he did it, what it takes to do it, I am a wayward too after all. It wasn't lost on me. I could deal relatively well with that discovery.

So.. no, I never felt like a victim regarding his cheating. That thought never crossed my mind.

FL, this is truly truly such a helpful post and I thank you from the bottom of my heart that you've taken the time to clearly articulate your journey.

This week, after 5 months of running around wildly in the dark trying to fix things, be better, get my whys, be remorseful, trying (and failing) to heal my BH, I finally have some clarity.. What needs to be done, and it's EXACTLY what you've written.

Immediately after the last dday, I've adopted the 100% honesty policy, and it's tough as that meant saying things to my BH that hurt him even more because I was still far from better. I told him feelings that I felt, but that meant he had to prop me.

I have since accepted that trial by fire and this painful process was necessary. Just like I had to have my whole world implode on me before I could see myself in the mirror. (note to self to fix this too.. Why do I need to have my hair catch flames before I believe that there's a fire)

I had this light bulb moment today after seeing someone ultra confident speak, and I wondered why I wasn't that. If I didn't love myself, how could I expect my BH to want to try to love me? Ws get so battered by the consequences of their own actions, that we are monsters, that we flee in the opposite direction and try to make the BS love us through other means.

But, self love would be the last thing on any newly minted WS as it just looks selfish doesn't it? But I finally see that self love doesn't mean that you selfishly just look inward and just try to get to better place while leaving your bs in the ashes. You can love and respect yourself and at the same time, love your bs selflessly and not expect any in return.

Selfishness and callousness are what made affairs possible, and I feel like learning to love someone wholeheartedly without expecting in return is the first step.

I have so much I want to work on, to learn to be mindful, to express my feelings well, to be vulnerable with myself and my loved ones, that I don't quite know where to begin. I'm all over the place in term of knowing and finding out what to fix first. You've mentioned about How's instead of whys but where do you begin?

I'm trying to let go of the outcome. I have clarity and calmness at times but some times the fear of the unknown hits me like a goddamn truck and I fear losing my BH forever. At least now I know how to talk it through internally, that my path shouldn't be reliant on him.

Bump 😊

Bumped for t999.

This was an eye opener. I appreciate it getting bumped again.