SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As you all know Andi and I are now separated, I'm living in town. I am headed for D, pretty sure, unless Andi completely takes responsibility for minimizing her A and owning the damage she equally caused to our marriage.

But I consider myself a free man at this point. OW stopped by last night, we went to dinner, and we ended up at her place. I spent the night and it was wonderful!

I felt a connection with her that was different then during the affair in that I'm no longer hiding anything, so actually being with OW was guilt free and on equal terms. I explained that I did not want to be tied down and she said she was OK with that. She was very respectful and very loving.

I see everyone lining up with 2x4s, but maybe sometimes certain things are meant to be. I never started Andi and me down the road of infidelity, she did, and I did give her every chance to accept her part in hurting our marriage. I don't feel I owe Andi anything at this point.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 9:52 AM, May 7th (Friday)]

I see everyone lining up with 2x4s, but maybe sometimes certain things are meant to be. I never started Andi and me down the road of infidelity, she did, and I did give her every chance to accept her part in hurting our marriage. I don't feel I owe Andi anything at this point.

I honestly do not understand why you, in good faith, would post this in an infidelity forum? Especially one that provides guidelines on what is appropriate topics/content: A forum for all Former WS's who have ended or trying to end their affairs and are striving to reconcile.

[This message edited by KingRat at 10:11 AM, May 7th (Friday)]

As a BS of a LTA - this reads as you were looking for a reason to continue the LTA all along.

Please - at the very least - consider asking for a STOP sign.

I’m not 100 percent clear why your wife won’t take responsibility for her affair. Can you be more specific. What are you asking of her snd what is she refusing to provide?

In your own words...

Of course I'm not going back to OW, it was a brief thought, just a reaction, but I would never.

Seems Andi had every reason to worry.

Yikes. This feels like that Friends episode. "We were on a break!"

For you to so readily walk back to her and for her to so readily accept it, seems clear that it was never really over. I think you need to take a good long hard look at what is really happening here. It doesn't seem as simple as your wife won't own her A. Seems like you're just as guilty at not owning your responsibility here.

Does Andi realize you're acting as a single man now?

Honestly, you're still married and it's still cheating and you're still justifying.

Good luck to you. What a mess!

Um, okay.

Are you hoping we'll cheer you on or are you just trolling?

A lot of navel-gazing in your posts to be honest.

Your handle is "MyAndi" - me, mine, myself. "Belongs to me." "My possession." "My undying love for this person"

Oh wait, never mind. OW showed up and it was great, y'all!

"I wanna talk about me

What I see" ~Toby Keith

[This message edited by Thumos at 1:21 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

Are you hoping we'll cheer you on or are you just trolling?

This. If the Original Post isn't trolling, then I don't know what trolling means.

was different then during the affair in that I'm no longer hiding anything, so actually being with OW was guilt-free and on equal terms

So, just to be clear, when you and Andi decided to separate, did you say to her, "I've decided I'm going to get my own place and start seeing OW again instead of you"? Does Andi know you slept with OW last night? Because if not, then you are absolutely kidding yourself about the quote above.

I agree with everyone here so far... I have no idea why you are here, and it sounds (and to be honest, has sounded since the first post of yours I read) as if you are just looking for people to justify your continued wayward actions and feelings.

I don't feel I owe Andi anything at this point.

Says the person who is still legally married but still actively cheating on his wife. Fine, sure, you don't owe Andi anything, that much is true. But what do you owe yourself? What do you owe your OW? What do you owe this group of people who are trying to help you, at your behest?

What you are doing is IMO really shitty. Really, really shitty. Just want to make that abundantly clear.

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 2:39 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

I don’t think he’s cheating on his wife. They are separated and heading to D. That was the circumstance when my H started fucking my best friend in under two weeks after D-day—we were legally married, but separated and heading for D. Very few people in my real life came back with “that’s cheating.” In fact, I think out of all the people we know, only one did.

And if I posted here that I felt that I had been cheated on in light of that circumstance, I think I’d be laughed off of SI.

So you are still married and just spent the night with your AP?

I'm rarely speechless but in this case, I am. You are still cheating. Period.

I am headed for D, pretty sure, unless Andi completely takes responsibility for minimizing her A and owning the damage she equally caused to our marriage.

DF, based on this statement, he is keeping the possibility of R open. You may not see this as cheating, but I do as do others, and we are both entitled to our opinions.

Also, for him to immediately have that door open again, the cheating likely never stopped.....

I agree with DF. Even though I also question why MA wanted to post this other than to be inflammatory. Or prove posters wrong that being with OW was going to be so terrible? Regardless, this is unhealthy behavior but it's not cheating.

MA, I will say that if you're only "pretty sure" about D with Andi, change your mind right now to "completely sure" because I don't think there's a chance in hell that Andi will want to R with you after all this. She will absolutely see malice in this whether you mean it or not. It will confirm every negative thing she believed about you and further justify her minimizing. You may not owe her fidelity after declaring your desire to D and moving out but your actions still have consequences and Andi doesn't owe you another opportunity at R even if you drop OW the second she tells you what you want to hear. It's a two-way street.

Ask yourself, honestly, why did you go from saying you'd never do this mere days ago to having a date with OW and talking about a potential future with her? How did you go from pissed off and hating OW to opening that line of communication back up? Do you even want OW or are you afraid of being alone? You don't have to answer but even if you don't have whiplash from how quickly things turned, if you genuinely believe that your feelings were authentic both days ago and now, then you have to figure out what happened to make sure that you're not self sabotaging by reaching out for something familiar in the face of devastation.

MA, I will say that if you're only "pretty sure" about D with Andi, change your mind right now to "completely sure" because I don't think there's a chance in hell that Andi will want to R with you after all this.

Yes, it's really this that is getting to me, vs. calling it cheating or not cheating. Keeping the possibility open with one woman while sleeping with another. Maybe it's not cheating, but it's all kinds of slimey.

Shocker.

So if for some reason your BW wants to reconcile and fully comes clean, will you? Will you tell her that you screwed the OW right after moving out or will you keep it a secret?

I'm going to be blunt.

Never once,in any of your posts,did you sound at all remorseful. You were pissed off that your wife wasn't over it, and wouldn't be buddies with OW, and you were tired of hearing about how your affair affected your wife. You would claim to have been working hard on reconciliation, but you never said how. Just words.

When you found out there was more to your wife's story, you seemed gleeful. Because it gave you the out you were looking for.

You said the OW would call your wife a greedy bitch..a taker. Which was amazingly hypocritical coming from a woman sleeping with another woman's husband.

That you have come here to brag,says a lot about your character.

I wish you, and the OW, all the happiness you each deserve.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:00 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

If you're really done with your M then file for D. No one is forcing you to stay married.

Just saying IMHO as a BS, 'still married' is still married. 'Separated but still married' is still married. 'Heading for D but not finalized yet' is still married. If you're still married and sleeping with someone other than the person you're married to, that's called cheating.

Sorry to t/j, but landclark, when my H and I separated after he decided on D, it was with the understanding that we “had to” D in order to eventually, hopefully, work on R. So my H was actually dangling the “potential R” carrot while sticking his, er, carrot in my former BFF.

However, I totally agree with you that we can respect each other’s difference of opinion.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 4:59 PM, May 7th (Friday)]

Hoping to stop the T/J here of "what is considered cheating and what isn't", for the purposes of this conversation alone, I would like to point out that:

* This is the wayward forum

* The OP posted here, as a Wayward

* The OP has self-indentified as both a WS and an MH in other threads, so considers himself as such

* The OP had a 3yr LTRA which he admits to and identifies as an affair

* The OP is still currently, legally married (on paper) and is sleeping with someone who is not his spouse.

* The OP refers to the OW as "The OW" and not as "someone I'm really in love with"

While this does not solve the argument of what is and isn't cheating when it comes to RA's, perhaps we can agree that if the OP has identified the issue as one of cheating (and the facts seem to fit their claim), then I suggest we simply assume that as the basis for this conversation.