@gmc94:
Re: my story, you have the basics close enough. It wasn't exactly a strip club, it was a strange hybrid thing that postured as an 'entertainment venue' but was, IMHO, a front for a brothel, in that sex acts were offered. It was 'flying under the radar' as well: absolutely *no* external identifying features at all. No neon, no signage, no exterior lights of any kind. If you didn't know it was there, you wouldn't know it was there. You wouldn't even see it.
The whole scene was super sketchy and honestly, surreal.
Husband didn't seek this place out.
The guys he was with knew about it going into that evening.
My husband says he didn't understand what it was, walking into the place.
I believe him.
Most of these details did not come out years ago. Most of the details of what happened that night did not come out years ago.
@Linus:
While my husband crossed some personal lines that night (by his own definition, independent of me or us, he crossed his own lines in terms of what he considers infidelity) and he crossed some of our 'couple' lines as well, he stopped short of swapping body fluids. There was literally no clinical reason for testing. (Beyond that, due to exposures at work, I've been tested for The Big Bad Stuff so many times since I long ago lost count- thank God, and I am grateful, all negative.)
And that is but one of the reasons why, honestly, I wish I didn't know. Knowing what I know now didn't lead to any needed testing and/or medical intervention.
The other big reason that I wish I never found out, that more or less fits into the same category, is that finding out the gritty details (his facilitation and enthusiastic participation, in the moment) really didn't do me or us any service in terms of future damage control. Yeah, he enjoyed the hell out of it while it was happening, but as soon as the physical stimulation ceased and the hormones subsided, he was deeply mortified with himself, deeply embarrassed and ashamed and guilty.
He swore to himself that nothing like that would ever happen again, and it hasn't.
He self-corrected.
Me finding out what *really* happened *years later* caused damage rather than preventing further damage. See notes below.*
Per my earlier post (unfortunately, it appears) I skimmed OP's initial post and did not take the time or make the effort to construct a timeline of events from her post.
My impression was that she too was a victim, and while (after reading for detail) I can agree that she continued to engage when she should have walked away clean, I still believe that she was a victim.
She 'caught feels' under false pretenses.
She got played.
Did she behave impeccably in the aftermath?
No, and she admits that herself, and she's struggling with it.
I have empathy for her and you know what? That empathy isn't costing me or you a damned thing.
(IMHO, a little more empathy on SI overall would be welcomed.)
I can't quite put my finger on why...
... and I certainly could be wrong...
... but this dude, the erstwhile AP, strikes me as so wide open and so out there that it seems implausible that his wife has no clue.
He's on flipping match dot com.
Match Dot Com.
That's not exactly 'discreet.'
And goodness knows what other sites he's on, in that he's looking for long term emotional relationships (that evidently also include sex) and short term no strings attached sexual liasons *and* all of these relationships are intended to have a BDSM component.
Just by their very nature, BDSM based hook ups tend to require more transparency in service to the 'safe, sane, consensual' mantra.
And he's been doing this for years.
And he's had several extramarital relationships.
Dude appears to have a LOT of exposure.
The more exposure I see, the less plausible it seems that his wife is totally unaware.
There is much weirdness here, IMHO.
I've rubbed elbows with situations and relationships in which, for one reason or the other, one or both partners simply did not wish to be confronted by or forced to directly deal with casual infidelity, and they certainly wouldn't appreciate being cornered into doing so by someone else's 'infidelity evangelism.'
@Linus, even if one or both spouses 'know,' that doesn't mean that either or both would appreciate being approached with a conversation or 'information' from a complete fucking stranger, or even by an acquaintance or a friend. The first rule of cheat club is that we don't talk about cheat club... right?
That's a *very* personal space and believe it or not, you may not be welcomed into it, regardless of how *you* perceive the information you wish to convey, or its relevance, or its importance, or your 'position of responsibility.'
I've seen 'informing' blow up spectacularly.
^^^ This is the reason why, as I perceive the 'weirdness quotient' of the situation rising, my gut instinct is, WALK. WALK AWAY. IF IT SEEMS WEIRD, IT'S LIKELY WEIRD. DON'T OWN ANY MORE OF IT THAN YOU UNFORTUNATELY ALREADY DO.
But, I could be wrong.
Certainly does not apply to every situation.
YMMV. As always.
*Notes:
We are a little over 3.5 years out from DDay2, the more truthful DDay for the same incident years ago.
I am, personally and in particular, suddenly hit with the idea that all of this pain and suffering of the last 3.5 years was actually, for nothing.
What did it change?
What did it solve?
What did it resolve?
If I never found out 'the truth,' would the trajectory of my life significantly or materially change?
In terms of infidelity, nope.
Not. One. Iota.
What *has* changed, what *could* be seen as a positive outcome, and the importance and the relevance remains to be seen, is:
This particular discovery acted as a severe enough kick to my head that it caused me to call into question (HA! THAT'S THE MOTHER OF ALL UNDERSTATEMENTS, LOL) (NO SHIT, I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING, LOL) a whole plethora of shitty boundaries and coping mechanisms and rug sweeping that we'd unconsciously and/or semi-consciously adopted from The FOO/The FOOs.
It morphed into the Armaggedon of Relationship Housecleaning.
And, that's probably A Good Thing.
It also gave me some MOTHER FUCKING RIGHTEOUS ANGER <--- that's me channeling my inner Samuel L. Jackson <3 "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHER FUCKING SNAKES ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING PLANE!" about my own boundaries, which were seen as negotiable (for the greater good! as defined by *every other goddamned person in my life EXCEPT ME*) for too damned long.
If I/we had been able to get here *without* me finding out about a one off infidelity years ago, yeah, that would have been GREAT. Seriously.
As far as Hubs is concerned:
He's unhappy with the flawed coping mechanisms he internalized and adopted from his FOO, which led to a LOT of rug sweeping, minimizing and trickle truth years ago, and even 3.5 years ago, which honestly caused more damage than the one off infidelity. The concept that rug sweeping, minimizing and follow up trickle truth cause more damage than the infidelity is well discussed on SI.
He's majorly unhappy with his poor to absence of boundaries, a by product of being raised by flaming narcissists, and all of the damage that has caused us over decades. He and we have made strong and positive changes in this area.
But, per above, if we could have gotten here without me 'finding out' what happened in a stupid, unfortunate one off years ago, honestly, by my estimation, that would be strongly preferable.
Obviously my situation does not compare or equate to a wife who is experiencing, whether she knows it or not, ongoing infidelity.
I do find some of the entrenched, set in concrete mantras of SI, including *immediately informing the other spouse* (i.e. barging willy nilly into another marriage regardless of any red flags or other information in the landscape or on the horizon) somewhat, myopic, and yes, even potentially harmful.
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 2:19 AM, Monday, February 7th]