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Wayward Side :
The Other Woman asks....

Topic is Sleeping.
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 2:11 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Well, as has been pointed out, you are assuming a lot re her actually knowing. My XW was serially cheating. I have tried in excess of 500 cases. I was a pretty good trial lawyer, very good at demonstrating witness dishonesty to juries.

My XW was prolifically cheating. While I could sniff out a witness's mendacity fairly well, something known as the " lie bias" kept me from suspecting my XW. FINALLY, I figured it out, only after her sister busted her and informed me.

As has also been pointed out, Marriage, your situation with your husband's incident, is light years away from this cheater' s modus operandi. His activities entail considerable health risk to his wife.

Finally, I still do not think telling an already aware BS causes any real damage. You mention it may cause discomfort or an annoyance. Frankly, if that is all it causes, it is really no big deal, especially when weighed against the very real danger an unaware BS faces from STD. You are a physician. Surely you are aware of the almost unbelievable percentage of folks out there infected. I was blown away when I read about the prevalence.
And, there need not be any prolonged conversation. As Joe Friday would say " Just the facts, Ma'am."

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8714351
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marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 3:25 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Just the Facts, Ma'am,
I am not a physician.
Correcting the record. :)

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8714367
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 4:10 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Sorry. That was another poster I confused with you.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8714377
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marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 4:22 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Understandable.
No offense, no harm, no foul. 😊

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8714380
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gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 6:08 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

** posting as a member**

MR959: Read your reply and, other than confirm the basic info from my post, I don’t see an answer to my question: would you feel the same (e.g., that you would actually "resent" being told) if your personal experience with Infidelity were more akin to the subject of THIS post? Certainly your prerogative to answer or not…I think that the statement standing "as is" doesn’t make much sense, and IMHO, does not assist the OP with the question at hand.

And then there is this:

it seems implausible that his wife has no clue.

I can absolutely assure you that I, and 100s (if not 1000s) of other BS here on SI had NO clue. Given your experience, I can understand that you may not have have a much understanding of/experience with the nature and extent to which many WS will deceive and gaslight. And I’m happy that you - or any BS - did not have to endure those things. I’m happy for anyone not married to someone living an entirely separate and SECRET sexual life (and we are talking about a whole other LIFE that transpires in darkness and outside of the BS’ purview).

The implications of that statement / its underlying assumptions, and the way it is thrown out in such a nonchalant manner astounds me. It exemplifies the heart of blame foisted upon BS (internally by the BS, externally from the WS, and externally from society at large). For those (like me) that did not know, that "implausibility" factor not only implies that BSs who are blindsided are somehow "less" than (less aware, less intelligent, etc). It also implies that we have, by our "implausible" level of trust, somehow consented to / become responsible for our own abuse, our own gaslighting, our own pain.

It also ensures that those who ARE aware of the infidelity, will readily keep the secrets of the WS. Quite the conundrum…. It was "implausible" that you did not know, so I did not tell you, so the affair(s) continued for more & more time, which increased the "implausibility" of you not knowing, which is why I still did not tell you. And that somehow, using websites like match[dot]com make a difference is bewildering. Doesn’t take much time on SI to read story after story after story of burner phones, secret emails, secret passwords, invisible chat apps, etc. My WH conducted >90% of his A-related communications on a work PC/email to which my having access could be illegal. But hey, if he’s cruising match[dot]com at the office, it’s "implausible" that I would not somehow know?

Honestly, I do not have words to describe how absolutely devaluing this "implausibility" perspective feels. It is part of the seed packet for the deep and painful shame and humiliation that many/most BS feel on dday. There is a reason why one of the first things many BS ask/think at dday are: how could I have not known and who else does know? There is a reason why BS are chock-full of anxiety when they have to leave their homes and fear running into an AP or others who are aware of the infidelity - sometimes for years.

As to the matter at hand, it seems to me that the OP was already "involved" (or "barged in") with the M - at a minimum by the WS engaging her to do so (I still don’t see debating the nature/extent of interaction after he came clean to OP as being terribly helpful. We can agree to disagree about how that aspect may -or may not- impact an opinion). FWIW, IMO, the OP was victimized by the WS. To me, keeping silent in these circumstances only serves to ensure there will be more victims.

I don’t know the OP and I don’t know the BW at issue here. I DO know that making assumptions based upon the word of a WS who is a known liar to the AP/OP is not likely to be accurate. Put simply - based upon the OP’s post (and the thousands of posts I’ve read in my 4 years here at SI), I see NO basis upon which we can assume that the BW in this situation is aware of her WH’s secret sexual life… any more than we can (or should) ever assume that any BS is aware.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 6:10 AM, Monday, February 7th]

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3828   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8714387
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 7:09 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Excellent points, gmc94. Your previous post was excellent as well.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8714388
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marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 8:33 AM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

@gmc94
@Linus

marriageredux959 writes:

Obviously my situation does not compare or equate to a wife who is experiencing, whether she knows it or not, ongoing infidelity.

Does this not suffice?
Would a more complete capitulation on my part make you whole?

Ok.

There was no possible way that either of you could have had any clue whatsoever about what was happening in your marriages and with your spouses.

It was irresponsible and insensitive of me to imply otherwise.

Someone should have told you.

Better?

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8714395
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 12:07 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Sweet Jesus! I am whole!

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8714408
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humantrampoline ( member #61458) posted at 12:47 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

marriageredux959,

We are all on this site to understand and get support for a difficult life situation, as well as to learn based on shared experiences. You gave your point of view based your experience and arguments. Linus, gmc94, DevastedDee and others did the same while pointing out weaknesses in your arguments. There are valid reasons that the majority of BS here would prefer to be told. That's all.

Does this not suffice?
Would a more complete capitulation on my part make you whole?

Better?

I don't see why this tone is necessary. The snark and anger here seems misplaced.

posts: 613   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2017
id 8714416
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Linus ( member #79614) posted at 1:32 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Must be a " high octane" thing.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8714419
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:34 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Well,if the BS of this particular OM does find out, joins SI, and comes across this post, I wonder how supported she will feel. Reading how people are arguing that she doesn't deserve to know. sad

If my husband was a serial cheater,and I knew about 5 women he had been with, you can bet your ass I would want to know if there was a 6th.

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8714421
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marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 2:15 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Hellfire writes:

Reading how people are arguing that she doesn't deserve to know.

I will be very clear here:

At no time did I say nor imply that any spouse or partner "doesn't deserve to know."

That is a completely different statement with a completely different inflection than anything I have written here.

Humantrampoline writes:

You gave your point of view based your experience and arguments. Linus, gmc94, DevastedDee and others did the same while pointing out weaknesses in your arguments. There are valid reasons that the majority of BS here would prefer to be told.

Agreed.

Humantrampoline writes:

That's all.

No, not really.
I touched a third rail by offering an alternative point of view that departs from the lockstep dogma on SI.

Predictably, the pitchforks and torches have come out and everyone has gathered to Burn the Witch.
Actually, in this particular case, it's more accurately, 'Burn the Heretic.'

I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2019
id 8714430
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:30 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Guys, is this really the forum to discuss this? This thread has been completely jacked.

Let's start a thread in General to debate this. I think OP has been scared off by the level of response to this.

And really, it's on her to request the stop sign, however it's on us to discipline our responses and keep the thread focused on her and not our own reactions/opinions/INFIGHTING.

Really, I hope we haven't scared yet another wayward off this site.

Someone who really does need our help and is likely so fresh to the whole self accountability and responsibility that they're not likely to take well to the 2x4's and pitchforks. Despite the bravado shown by OP, I sense there's a scared, hurt person who can't hack true vulnerability and thus gets attracted to unavailable men. If she's looking for help, even on a tip of the iceberg question such as disclosure to OBS, there's likely a LOT more we can help her with on her journey- if she can be encouraged to start it.

OP, if you're still reading this, there's quite a few waywards on here that are ready to help. STOP SIGN NEXT TIME FOR SURE!!

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1190   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8714437
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:44 PM on Monday, February 7th, 2022

Let's start a thread in General to debate this

No need. It's been done several times before. And the overwhelming majority says to tell. That they would want to be told.


everyone has gathered to Burn the Witch.

I don't see that at all. I see people disagreeing with you,and telling you why they disagree with you.

So many members are making assumptions that this OBS knows her husband is a serial cheater. NOBODY knows that. We only know what a lying serial cheater told his OW. Based on that alone, why believe him??

I can understand not wanting to know,in your situation, M959. I really can. This is not the same thing. This man is a serial cheater. One that continues to expose his wife to deadly stds. Your husband didn't swap fluids,and felt immediately remorseful. A rare gem of a WS. So I get your position. I don't think you understand ours. And that's ok.

OP..what are you going to do?

But you are what you did
And I'll forget you, but I'll never forgive
The smallest man who ever lived..

posts: 6812   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8714439
Topic is Sleeping.
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