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Just Found Out :
Looking for Advice

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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 5:23 AM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Hawaii, sorry I'm late to this thread, but I just read through the whole thing.

First, kudos to wrapping it up with finality, closure, and swiftness. I know it didn't feel swift as you were going through it, but with time, you'll look back on it as not more than a season of your life.

Second, it will take a while to resolve the discord between who you thought your XWS was, and who he turned out to be. I was about your age when I went through it, and now, about 18 years later, the memory of who I thought I was married to has been replaced with the knowlege of who I was actually married to. In my case, he married his AP, and I'm sure she has re-evaluated the "prize" she "won" when she got him to marry her, as he's been cheating on her (physically, emotionally, and financially) for about 17 years now. As someone else on here said, "Play stupid games, get stupid prizes." Oh honey, he's ALL yours. Best of luck with that! So sometimes, karma takes care of despicable APs.

Third, now is when your healing kicks into high gear. It won't be a straight line up, you'll still have your moments, but it's ok. Overall, things just go up from here. Remember that during the hard moments when you miss what you thought you had.

Fourth, you are SO much nicer than I was when it came to his stuff. I threw the majority of it out on the front lawn when I discovered his A hadn't ended and they went underground with it. The next part of it, I deposited in his parents' driveway, then called him and told him that I had done so, and he had better hurry up and go get it, because it looked like it was going to rain shortly.

Fifth, don't worry, you still have plenty of future left in you. Take time to heal before you get back out there. You are FABULOUS. There are good men out there; you just have to wade through a bunch of bad ones to suss out the good ones. Plus, now you're much wiser, and you'll find that your standards become much higher (you'll stop playing with men from the Island of Broken Misfit Toys Emporium), and your tolerance for game players will completely disappear.

It's just upward from here. I'm sorry he put you through all of this. He didn't deserve somebody as awesome as you. Just don't forget that you WILL be OK. Better than OK, as a matter of fact. If going through this shitstorm teaches us anything, it's that we're strong, and resilient, and WORTH so much more than we ever even considered before.

Me: BW, 57, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 153   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Charleston, SC
id 8757173
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, September 27th, 2022

Hawaii I'm so sorry, late to the thread here. I'll add I have been down a 15 year marriage to the same kind of man as yours is--200%. Childhood trauma like you described and then some--he was caught in 2015 and had cheated our entire marriage until that point (7 straight years of multiple AP's) now 2022 he was caught in multiple affairs once again--likely never stopped after we reconciled.

Because of his childhood I gave the gift of R, that was at my expense.

Cooley2here should receive an award for the advise, "the damaged boy is still running his life" smile smile smile mine too uses the affections, the pursuit, the conquest to fill the empty need but like Cooley said the bucket is full of holes--nothing will fill it. NEVER has more accurate words been spoken!

You have the insight I chose to ignore from 2015, I was told here my WH has issues that will not stop his cheating, and like the empath I am I chose to serve myself up for more pain.

You can move ahead without him now knowing what is the truth, this won't stop with you or me for sure. These kind of people will continue destroying lives wherever they land and with whomever they end up with next.

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 2:34 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8757198
Topic is Sleeping.
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