SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have been married for 12 years and together 24. I am an extremely busy business owner with very little help. If I'm not sleeping, I'm working. My wife has always been by my side and very supportive in everything I do. Three years ago I became somewhat of a mini celebrity in a realm I will not disclose. She expressed to me that I was spending too much time in my endeavors and not giving her enough attention. As much as I've tried, I just could not break my compulsions to better our lives.
Now fast forward to last week. She just finished a bachelor's degree and went out of town for 12 days visiting with family and friends. On her way back home I was doing yard work and wanted to make sure I was cleaned up and ready when she came home so, I set up an Onstar alert to let me know when she was about 30 minutes away. When the app alerted me I clicked the link and it showed her parked at an unfamiliar location for about 20 minutes. When she got home she lied about where she was. I did not confront her at this time. Early the next morning before she woke up I logged into our phone provider account and started to review text and voice logs. This is where my life completely came to an end. While she was gone she was having phone conversations with this new person that totaled over 24 hours while she was out of town. Hundreds of text messages and photos were also exchanged. This had been going on for the past 3 months. During this investigation is when I found out about the first OP which had been going on almost every day for 9 months! I still waited to confront her.
Later that evening I saw her on her laptop checking medical insurance stuff and asked her what she was doing. She said she was making sure that our coverage included mental health therapy. When I asked why she said, 'she was not feeling well and doing things out of character that were concerning her'. That's when I decided to let her know that I knew. I responded with, "Like meeting other people in the park on your way home and talking to them on the phone for hours at a time?". She hung her head in shame and admitted to the latest "new person". She swears up and down that nothing physical ever happened. During our talk I was so furious that I fell out and had a possible mini seizure. When I came to she was freaking out and started sobbing and professed her sorrow. Later that night after I was stable I asked her who else she was talking to. She lied and said there was no one else. After I pressed her she finally admitted to the first OP which had been going on for 9 months. She said she didnt want to tell me about the first OP because she was afraid I would seize again. She still swears that nothing physical ever happened between any of them. But then again, don't all cheaters say that? She said that "in her own F'd up logic" that she knew that our relationship was strong enough to over come this "teenage crush/sexting fantasy" and that's why she never let it go any further. The following morning she sent messages to both OP and told them that she was busted and that it was over. She blocked their numbers and deleted their contacts which in turn deleted the message threads. Regardless, I feel so dead inside.
I want to believe her but my mind is in such disarray. Her wanting to seek help and counseling before I confronted her seems like a good sign but she wants me to quickly get over it and act like nothing happened. She also would not allow me to see the messages that were exchanged before they were deleted. These two factors are very concerning me.
I cant help but wonder if she would have ever ended these relationships if I would not have caught her. It's only been a week and she seems irritated that I wont get over it. I've been having extremely terrifying nightmares that wont go away.
I am so sick. I literally vomited for the first two days. My emotions are a pile of rubble. I don't know what to do. I'm lost. I need help.
Thanks for listening...

All cheaters say it wasn't physical,unless their BS has hard proof.

Schedule std testing. Tell her to do the same.

Then Schedule a polygraph, and insist she take it. Even if she admits more.

Men don't generally involve themselves in months long affairs,with married women, unless they're getting sex of some kind. They're in it for the sex, not longing glances,and loving emails.

She sounds as if she has zero remorse. She's doing nothing to become a safe partner.

There is software available that can often restore deleted messages.

You need to call their wives and tell them.

She needs to be completely transparent. You get all passwords to her accounts, phone, etc.

Do not share this site with her.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:49 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

Sorry you are joining the worst club there is. Your first step is to get out of infidelity. Right now you are still under it.

She is already blameshifting, minimizing, and attempting to rugsweep. She already trickle truthed you once. Chances are, historically, it won't be the last time. The A and all lying needs to stop before you can consider recovery and reconciliation. If it she can't do what is necessary to end the A completely and give you sufficient transparency to feel safe, you need to be prepared to D or otherwise separate/find space to heal.

Most likely you had a panic attack, not a seizure. This is not unusual. You should be prepared for more panic attacks. One great way to cope if you feel it coming on is to get a glass of ice water and focus on the cool feeling in your hands and the coldness of the water as your drink. The objective here is to just stop your thought process and bring you back into the present.

It sounds like she wants to get away with her A without any consequences. Certainly she was giving herself "f'd up excuses" in terms of "well it's not that bad, and we can survive it anyway". Yet here she is already lying and minimizing.

She should let you try to recover the deleted messages using recovery software. I don't know what is the best these days, but I also know that phone deletion as performed in both android and iOS is getting harder and harder to recover.

She needs to send no contact messages to all her APs and block them.

She needs to give you complete electronic transparency. All accounts, all passwords, GPS location.

She needs to give you a complete written timeline of all of her affairs. Many posters here would also recommend a polygraph to confirm it is complete and accurate.

You both need therapy, so it's good she was already looking. Her to figure out why she did this and to become a safe partner again. You for betrayal trauma/PTSD.

If at all possible find a real life friend you can tell your story to. Someone that will give you good advice, but also someone that you can eject from your life if they ultimately disagree with how you handle things. It's tough to find that balance of a close friend, but one that you would be OK losing if they couldn't handle your reconciling with a cheater.

I'll echo what others say in that I too am sorry you are here.

All cheaters say it wasn't physical,unless their BS has hard proof.

All cheaters say pretty much anything other than the truth until there is hard proof. Is it physical? IDK. Maybe, but does it really matter? (EDIT - I meant to say do the details really matter right now. You know what you need to know right now - you were lied to and your WS did not admit to anything until confronted with some sort of evidence, so don't rely on them telling you the absolute truth right now about anything.)

There is software available that can often restore deleted messages.

There is. I got it and I was unsatisfied, so I paid to have my WH's phone forensically recovered. It was costly in terms of both $$ and mentally, which brings me to this little warning about reading stuff and looking at things - you CAN'T unsee/unhear stuff and sometimes it's mentally devastating.

After d-day1 my WH and his AP decided not to stop their A, but to stop the sexual part of their A, as in the penis-vagina sexual intercourse portion of their A (confirmed by millions of messages over the course of a year from AP begging my WH to be inside her again - and basically counting the days since he last "actually fucked" her ). Instead their message history for the better part of a year is replete with masturbation videos and some of the lamest, grossest, hard-core, most pathetic sexting I (hopefully) will ever see in my life with descriptions down to the color and texture of cum.....In hindsight I would have rather them been fucking than some of the stuff I saw as it would have been less frequent and less disturbing.

I tell you this for two reasons: 1) maybe they really haven't had actual sexual intercourse or any physical touching at all; but 2) she deleted the messages, therefore she has something to hide. For many of us what they are hiding is less important than the fact that in light of being caught they give less than full disclosure - when the WS gives you less than what you deserve which is disclosure to the extent you want it you feel more betrayed because now you are back to not knowing.

My WH was better than most on here as at d-day (and dday-2 and dday-3) when busted he pretty much threw it all out there. The reason I had his phone forensically analyzed was because he handed it over, admitted he had deleted just about everything every day so there wasn't much on it for me to find without IT help, and let me copy the whole phone and send it in for testing and paid for it. You would think after doing that he wouldn't bother withholding and lying - but alas he did from the moment his confessions ended he just started with new bad behaviors and lies.

So, you are right for feeling this way as one good behavior does not necessarily mean another will follow:

Her wanting to seek help and counseling before I confronted her seems like a good sign but she wants me to quickly get over it and act like nothing happened. She also would not allow me to see the messages that were exchanged before they were deleted. These two factors are very concerning me.

Seeking help is good, especially since she was seeking help BEFORE she knew that you knew something was up (if indeed that was the case - she may have gotten a feeling from you that you knew something was shady so she preemptively made the comment - who knows and for the sake of argument let's presume she did so unprovoked). I would ask her to read "not just friends" and then to talk to you about it if she will. You should read it too - and look to the healing library here for a lot of helpful reads.

I'm sorry you are here. I am SO mad for you.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:29 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

does it really matter?

I think it matters,very much,for the majority of BS. Not only because of the chance of stds, but also for those wanting to attempt reconciliation, they need to know,at the very least the basics of the affair. And a WS lying,and allowing their BS to commit to reconciliation, on a foundation of lies, means its False R, and we all know the horrors that come with that. Add in, a WS who is allowed to continue their lies, and keep their secrets with their AP, is not a WS who is doing the work to become safe,and there's a high chance the affair goes underground, or they eventually cheat again.

I will be brief as I do not want an extended thread-jack. I will just say I think you missed my point (and I edited my initial post for clarity):

I think it matters,very much,for the majority of BS. Not only because of the chance of stds, but also for those wanting to attempt reconciliation, they need to know,at the very least the basics of the affair. And a WS lying,and allowing their BS to commit to reconciliation, on a foundation of lies, means its False R, and we all know the horrors that come with that.

I was talking at a much higher lever than STD's - I'm talking about the lies. If anyone suspects an A get tested - it's not worth it. The point is the lying - that you have been BETRAYED. Sex. No sex. The OP said their WS deleted the messages - so they are being lied to, something is being hidden, which was my issue. The focus - don't rely on what they are telling you about anything right now - not just about sex or no sex as that is likely the tip of the lie-iceberg (***I have always defined false R as an ongoing or another affair - not just underlying lies - as if false r is just withholding of information and details then every A has false R - so maybe that is part of the disconnect).

___________________________________

RockHound - I am sorry for the discussion above and don't mean for it to detract from your pain. Be careful with yourself - I hope you have someone IRL to talk to in person about all of this. Do not be afraid to lean on a close friend or family member you can trust. I was prideful and didn't reach out to anyone for a long time. In hindsight that hurt only me.

Again, I am so sorry you are here.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 10:33 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

RH,

I caught my W in an A 15 years ago. It was a drunken ONS that she has sworn never went past kissing and petting with no penetration of any kind although she spent the night in OM’s hotel room … she claims she was too drunk and passed out.

Her story has never changed in 15 years and you know what … I STILL DON’T BELIEVE HER, and you likely won’t either.

Once trust is broken, it never fully returns. I never thought my W was capable of her actions, but clearly, I didn’t know her as well as I thought.

I understand … they’re hard truths to get your head around.

[This message edited by ButAnyway at 11:51 PM, Tuesday, September 27th]

Great responses, as usual, from everyone.

ThisIsOhSoLonely vs Hellfire

Both great posts with valid, although slightly, alternative viewpoints and,

that’s the gold of this site. You’re going to get varying points of view based on various perspectives borne from various experiences.

Listen with an open mind and use what resonates with your particular situation and discard the rest.

Also important, is to look out for the commonalities in the responses. So far, I’m already seeing much commonality. Such as:

There’s more to the story. WSs rarely give it all up initially-if ever. They only tell you what they think you need to hear to affect the most positive outcome, for them, that they can reasonably maneuver towards. They are in a desperate damage control and containment mode. A mode of operations that includes, among other things, lying, destruction of evidence, RUG SWEEPING, minimization, gas lighting, soon to be followed by blame shifting, marital history rewriting, love bombing, sex bombing, self victimization, and sometimes character assassination of the BS.

If she is doing any of these things, she is not ready for reconciliation. It takes two to Reconcile and if she’s not quite with the program, you’ll both be stuck in a hellish limbo.

So, it’s way too soon to seriously consider Reconciliation. It’s not too soon to seriously consider summary divorce. If this is an absolute dealbreaker, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with an immediate divorce. However, I’d caution you to not make any definitive decisions at this volatile chaotic moment.

You’re currently in the shock and discovery phase. So, I’d advise approaching this situation as methodically and objectively as possible-which sounds insane while you’re having psychogenic seizures, right? While your adrenals are cranking out the adrenaline, I’d channel that energy into something productive, such as:

-Info gathering and damage assessment. It’s important to learn as much about the depth and breadth of her betrayal as possible. You can’t be expected to make life altering decisions based on poor intel. It’s just a recipe for disaster. You need to gather, protect and preserve evidence. Request a detailed timeline of genesis and evolution of the affairs.

-Damage control. YOU need to do your due diligence in protecting yourself. If she’s interested in R, you need to set boundaries, hard boundaries. You need to protect your dignity-at all times. You need to demand full transparency and NC. Notify the other betrayed spouse(s). You need to protect yourself from manipulation. You should consult an attorney and your personal physician. You need to pay attention and monitor the situation to ensure she doesn’t take the affair(s) underground, or alter the narrative behind your back with friends and relatives. Watch for exit strategy development. Request she begins IC. Request she begins educating herself on what it takes to reconcile. She should be proactive with this stuff. She should be eager to facilitate.

More importantly, you need to protect your sanity. Don’t, for an instant, blame yourself. This is ALL on her. There’s NEVER a sane reason to cheat. You should also realize, that you WILL be ok, if you handle this correctly, with an authentic wholistic reconciliation or a well executed divorce. You will get through this.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:10 AM, Wednesday, September 28th]

Thank you everyone for your responses and genuine empathy. I'm so glad that I have an outlet to share my feelings. I am not ready to reach out to any family and I have reached out to one friend that has been in this type of situation but he is all about termination and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
Yes, she has been love bombing and sex bombing since she was exposed. Originally, I thought it may help the situation and it did for the third and fourth night but the heart ache came back right away. I have been giving her the silent treatment for a few days now and she seems to be getting irritated and has not uttered a single word about the situation. And even with the silent treatment she cooks lunch and dinner everyday and demands that I eat and take care of myself.
My mind has thoughts popping in and out so fast it's hard for me to remember it all so, I have been getting my ducks in a row like writing down my full feelings in a letter to her (I haven't given to her yet) and talking with attorneys about my options.
I will be letting her know that in order to attempt any reconciliation that I will need full disclosure of her phone including any forensic retrieval. Dare I say...in her defense, she didn't just out right delete the messages. When I first asked to see the messages she still had them but didnt want to show me because she was "embarrassed". When She blocked and removed both OPs contacts it auto deleted the message threads. I will also demand that we both go to the doctor together for STD testing. I will push for a polygraph although, I'm not quite sure if I will demand it quite yet. I do have access to our Onstar account in which I can locate her vehicle anytime. I should probably get access to her phone's GPS as well. I will continue to gather any other evidence possible but I'm not sure how long I can live like that. In the past I've always said I would just leave if I ever got jealous to the point that I would have to track her and monitor phone/message logs. But I suppose this isn't just the typical immature jealously scenario. I actually have a legitimate reason for the distrust. It's just so hard to believe I am in this hole. Over the years we have always thought we were one of the rare ones. Turns out were just a statistic.
Thanks again for all of the support It truly mean a lot to me.

This is not junior high. Keep that in mind.

You are doing a lot of the right things. Ask for a complete timeline. Keep questioning. Do reach out to people and get some help.

Yes, she has been love bombing and sex bombing since she was exposed.

Yeah this is phase 1 in order to manipulate you into rug sweeping this so she realky doesn't have to seek remorse, have any empathy or do any real work. She hopes you forget about it. Hence her irritation that her plan is not working.

The marriage was strong enough to endure. . .that is bullshit.

Let me finish that sentence. . .

The marraige was strong enough to endure her selfish choices, yet provide no consequences for her.

She needs to understand that people get Divorced everyday for less. It needs to be crystal clear to her that a D might be on the horizion.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I've been there and I know how mich it sucks.

I'd work to retrieve the messages without her , "buy in." She already made her choice. You need to make a choice too, but you need more information to determine if she is worth another chance. Further not everyone does this to their spouse who works a lot to support their family. Why did she and what is ahe doing to figure that out?

You gave her a chance once and it did not turn out so well. Why isn't that going to happen again? Why would you risk future pain like this again without some marked change in her that allows her to make the correct choice in the future ? First time was on faith. This time you need more.

Again if your M is strong enough to endure her horrible decisions why wouldn't it be ok for you to find soneone to crush on and emotionally connect with? Better yet if you found someine else who wasn't so needy to the point they will chase anyone that pays attention to them. Ask ger how she would feel if the roles were reversed.

FWIW I am in no way suggesting this, but I think her answers would be telling as ahe thinks on it mightvhelp her gain some insight into why ahe did this. Any answer that ia the result of your work ethic or paying her enoigh attention are blameshifting and a real why.

She made a choice about your M without your involvement, yet expects you to live with the consequences as if you made that choice too. It was 100% her chouce to pursue romantic relationships outside of your M.

She needs to do the heavy lifting or you need to detach and begin living a life without her.

Again I am really sorry you are here, but I am glad you found us. Keep reading and posting.

BTW- I would limit the number of people you tell. Most advice comes without having any skins in the game. Keep it between your W and a therapists.

Further I agree to inform spouses or girlfriends that might not know that their SO is at least seeking an A.

Get youself incto see an IC. It is helpful to unload to someone, yet an IC will keep things between the two of you. Friends and family will overwhelmingly come out to say D her, yet admit it is your life.

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 4:04 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

Seems a bit of a coincidence she makes a semi confession (I've been acting out of character) almost immediately after you found out. She knew you knew but how?

all the best

Brother just breathe.

Your mind will wander, as it doesn’t make sense; adults don’t just text and talk. They do things.

Unfortunately they hook up, they are adults not school kids. We’re they her uni class members, family friends or strangers.
I may have missed it, but how did she meet them?

Can you run a data recovery program in relation to the deleted texts?

You will have a shit load of questions regarding this. It can’t be rug swept otherwise your subconscious will continue to wander, so to make sense of this.
Seek a IC to help you. Real men look after themselves physically and mentally.

Take advice from here that suits you, but consider others that seem a bit one sided. Your WW was in unicorn fart land, most likely bad mouthing you to both POSs. Hence the deletion of the texts.

If you can find out if they have SO / partners then inform them. You don’t need her permission. Communication is good when you are ready. Remember your recovery is about you. WW has to do the heavy lifting, not rug sweeping.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 6:47 AM, Thursday, September 29th]

I agree with everyone that it’s unlikely that she is telling the full truth. My husband had a similar line of reasoning/justification when he first started sliding into an affair. He was enjoying the electricity and the attention and the feels, and he said didn’t initially see it as a threat since he saw us as having a good, solid marriage. (It’s still very hard for me to wrap my head around that—you spend years constructing something beautiful and sturdy, and then you drive a semi into it because you feel like it’s strong enough to hold up)?

Anyway, it took maybe three weeks before things with him and his also married AP turned physical, because they were grown adults with the feels who didn’t have the ethics, morals, or common sense not to play with fire. And adults with the feels and the desire and the opportunity have sex; they don’t just text like middle schoolers.

I wish that instead of spending a month tiptoeing around my husband’s denials and succumbing to his frantic gaslighting and deceit I had just calmly looked him in the face over and over and told him the truth: I don’t believe you. You lied to me, and what you’re saying now makes no sense. I don’t believe you, I don’t believe you. In the end I came yo the realization that he wasn’t a good faith actor, and that the assumptions I had about us being mutually committed to truth and honest conversation were a fiction. I decided to investigate rather than asking him, and I found proof of my suspicion.

Your wife does not deserve your belief at this stage, and best case (?) scenario it will take her years to even partially regain your trust. She has deceived you mightily, and her story isn’t plausible. There’s no reason for you to believe her right now, and the burden of truth and proof and making amends is on her, not you. Don’t let this stop at what she’s telling you now. Demand more, and if she doesn’t give it, detach. And however things go, take care of yourself. All the standards: hydrate, eat well, exercise. This stuff is murder on your physical and mental health. ❤️

Dear (((RockHound)))

As you know, if she had access to her APs she had sex. Nine months of a teenage attraction, let me give you the translation - lots of sex.

1. First as you obviously found out TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Eat, Sleep and exercise. Stay as calm as possible.

2. Find an Attorney NOW. Knowledge is critical. Protect your assets fast.

3. Find the TRUTH, via your wife, her phone, OMs and polygraph. She needs to write a timeline.

4. Inform the OMs Wifes or SOs, this is so critical in order to stop the affairs and find the truth plus they deserve to know.

The following morning she sent messages to both OP (AP) (you are OP) and told them that she was busted and that it was over

This is warning her APs that you know in order to protect them. This is not a good NC message.

FYI OP= Original Poster (you) AP= POSAP piece of sh't affair partner.

I want to believe her but my mind is in such disarray

Please don't believe her this will hurt you even more, because ALL cheaters lie and minimize. The better method is to steel yourself for the truth.

Do not take blame for being a hardworking man. Do not allow ANY blame shifting to you.

The pain you are experiencing is to the bone and normal.

Respectfully,

Organic2003

PS Get a copy of this book, it is a short manual for your wife to read NOW

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

Book by Linda J. Macdonald M.S.

[This message edited by Organic2003 at 3:22 PM, Thursday, September 29th]

I’m sorry you are here. A lot of good advice being given. And your going to feel like you have to give her the benefit of the doubt. But do not do that. You need to get a data recovery program and pull the data out before it gets overwritten. It’s still in there until then. I grabbed my wife’s Ipad and pulled two gigs worth of data. Took 8 hours to sift through it but I found out she went out in our suv and had sex with the AP through a text she had with her sister. Your in info gathering mode. Get as much as you can now. When I confronted her and she admitted what happened I thought I was having a heart attack. But look up broken heart syndrome. Your body flooded with andrenilin basically swamping your heart causing a massive panic attack. I couldn’t breath .Would have scared the hell out of me if I wasn’t so angry.
She is lying to you.
She is trying to manipulate the truth.
Look up interrogation techniques.
Watch her body language. Is she looking at the door when you ask her about it?
When I asked my brother in-law how much he knew he kept glancing at the door and fidgeting.
Trust what your instincts are telling you .
If you feel there’s more than most likely there is. She’s been caught but still thinks she controls the narrative. Find out who the guys were and out them to thier wives. Unless there are steep consequences she will continue cheating. I told my wife quite calmly she had to leave as I packed her suitcase. It was a game changer. And the first step for me to take back my power. You need to start believing in you and not her.

You can’t reconcile unless you know what you are reconciling from. Right now she sees alternatives and paths to get out of this and escape losing her marriage. She can love bomb you and hope it goes away. She can wait out the storm and hope time fixes it. She can risk you finding out somehow, but with her belief the marriage is strong enough to withstand it she can escape that way. She may even think she can continue to lie and convince you.

You need to cut off those escape routes. You might just have to act as an cop interrogating a suspect. Use a mixture of lies and truth to get a confession.

Like others, I agree that the devices are key to finding out what really happened. I would take her phone and tell her you have found the best forensic person to unlock and retrieve the data. (You really should do this). I would then offer her a 24 hour period of amnesty that if she tells you the truth you will consider reconciliation, which you should do anyway. However if she sticks to her story and the phone revels more, it’s game over. Don’t pass go and directly to the divorce square. No discussion you will be done.

In this way her choices became pretty binary. Lie and have a good chance of being caught and game over, or truth and at least have a path to reconciliation.

In the meantime I agree with the other posters. Get an STD test, even if she doesn’t. Nothing screams like I think you are lying about having outside sex like that.

Who know, maybe it will be the last scenario where she sticks to her story, and the phone verified it. My opinion is it’s not likely, but it’s possible.

You need to let her know you are in charge now.

Waitedwaytoolong's strategy in the post above is spot on. Jailedmind's too. Why stop in a park for 20 minutes on the way home after 12 days? To chat face to face with someone you have been texting and calling constantly? That is immensely hard to believe for even the most naive among us. To have a quickie after so much sexual tension built up over the texting for 12 days? That sounds much more plausible. Terrible, but highly plausible.

Find out who these guys are and out them to their wives or girlfriends. The light of day tends to kill affairs like it kills vampires.

And get Organic's book recommendation. Buy the book Not Just Friends too.

From my experience, do not rugsweep a single bit. It will come back years later to haunt you if you do.

Rockhound,
I'm so sorry your here, sage advice already has been shared. I will just add, I told my WH that I was requiring a polygraph, I scheduled it.

What is important here is that it's not the actual poly that provides answers, the day before my WH's poly (he had admitted to just ONE affair partner) I could literally see the tensions rising in him, he wandered around looking perplexed.

The good folks here warned me that I would likely get "more" of the truth prior to the poly.

The actual night before the polygraph WH took me outside and confessed to a total of 13 AP's in the 7 years we were married. I absolutely kid you not. My WH knew he would fail the poly in front of the administrator and apparently wasn't willing to chance it.

In our only marriage counseling session a month after discovery he loudly proclaimed "I don't know why she thinks it's more than ONE"

My point is a WS will gaslight you to the hilt until some real expectations of truth are demanded. I do believe firmly my WH got away with at least one lie on the poly, so I don't hold much belief that they are the end all be all BUT the days prior are the magic key.

Also--I would limit who you share the cheating with as far as friends and family, IF you chose to R then it's hard to unpack the box of people who will know. A few choice friends who are impartial, loyal and can be trusted with the information are key.

I’m so sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. Your wife is working right out of the cheaters handbook. She is minimizing and trying to control you. Put your foot down and tell her absolutely no R until she comes completely clean with a timeline subject to polygraph.

she knew that our relationship was strong enough to over come this "teenage crush/sexting fantasy" and that's why she never let it go any further.

This is the most ridiculous excuse ever. I’m sure her car has airbags, does she drive head on into bridge pillars because she knows the safety features will save her?

Sorry you are here, time to take control of this.