So last night... my daughter calls from the party, and asks what's up. She wants to know if I feel bad sick (we've both were fighting a cold last week) or bad sad. I tell her bad sad, but mainly bad guilty and I'm uncomfortable with the idea that othermom has agreed to my presence there, but no way can she actually want me there.
The kids (all of them, hers and mine) are aware of the dynamic. One of her sons was even NC with me for a year or so when he found out about my relationship with his dad and how much I hurt his mom. I had always been especially close with him, and now he has two little ones that I had adored spending time with.
I'm not surprised that he was extra impacted by my betrayal and his new perspective of me. We still haven't talked, but I did see him in Sept and he hugged me and whispered "I'm sorry it's been so long" I just answered back "it's ok, sweetheart, it's as long as you need it to be..."
That's another conversation I need to initiate.
OBS has been vocal about 'severing' our relationship but makes an effort to spend time with my kids and even BH sometimes. She's an amazing cook and they still have dinner or go out together sometimes.
So, back to the engagement party (I still can hardly believe it!) My daughter tells me that OBS came up to her and said "I thought I saw your mom out the window..." DD tells her that I'm a mess and have to go get cleaned up, she doesn't know for sure if I'm coming back. OBS says "oh! I may have some extra clothes in my car" or something like that.
DD tells me "mom, she didn't say it, but she wants you here. There's been a shift and I feel it." So there's no question now. Othermom has opened the door.
I change clothes and walk back over with BH who's come to fetch me (lol, he arrived with a 'snack' -- this goof is literally carrying meatballs, sauce and all, in his hands, a la the movie Wedding Singer, which makes me cry again, oy)
As soon as I get in the door, OBS comes up to me and wraps her arms around me. She says Im glad you came back. She tells me that I belong there... that I'm a part of this family and I deserve to celebrate too. Im just dying at this point. I want to sob and I'm trying to hold my shit together and not make a scene. (At this fancy, BEAUTIFUL party) I'm making little squeeks and I know I'm snotting and I keep saying thank you and I'm sorry. She pulls back and looks at me and says "Hey. I'm OK, I'm really OK, and I want you to be OK too."
I am just overwhelmed and nod. I take deep breaths and wipe my face, and then... she starts talking! She tells me about the favors for the party and her granddaughter's brilliant idea to put Ring pops in all of the bags, about her trip with her sister in Aug, the gorgeous tattoo she got (didn't see that coming!) I can't even describe the feelings of relief and amazement at this woman.
I'm still super emotional today. When I'm alone I'm just ... crying every time I think of her. I know what Grace feels like and I'm surprised it's so painful.
I have no idea what things might be like in the future for us. I have no expectations of resuming a friendship or even of healing and rebuilding our family, I'm just so relieved. So profoundly relieved. She's OK. She's okay enough to be gracious and generous... even LOVING to me.
So now I need to get to work. I need to write that letter and make an offer to give her whatever she needs. A vent session? An explanation? An apology? A presence to make our sweet girl happy, but then fuck off forever?
I'll write a message short and sweet, but I also think I'll need to get to work on the whole story. What actually happened (I know from the last time she and BH talked, she's got some things really wrong. I'll need some SI help in figuring out the best way [or IF] I should address.) and how I could be someone so utterly opposite of who she thought I was, and hide that from her.
Right now, I want her to know how deeply I feel that I do NOT deserve to celebrate with 'our' family, (maybe without saying exactly that... shit like "I don't 'deserve' whatever" can sound dramatic and like I'm looking for a rebuttal) and how relieved, sorry and appreciative I am.
I don't have anybody else that I can talk to about this I sure am appreciative of this space.
And BS's? I know that you come here for support and to vent but you are also educating. You're allowing people like me to see things from a completely different perspective and it is enormously valuable. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that people like me have hurt people like you (and like HER, and BH and all of our children) so badly. Nobody deserves this kind of devastation and betrayal. I would hit undo a thousand times if I could.
OK. Snot&tears mopup and deep breaths. BH is on his way. (And I'm once again covered in effing paint and sawdust!!)
Edited to say thank you very much for the replies. There are a few things I'd like to respond to, but I've run out of time. Later!!
[This message edited by CheetahRose at 12:55 AM, Tuesday, November 15th]