Hi SC23,
Thanks so much for reaching out here.
There are SO many layers to this particualr aspect of affair recovery. In my experience, there's one notion that I think is critical to keep before you as you tread this particular minefield. And that's this:
The details/no details dilemma is NO WIN.
The mystery is intolerable...and the details are too.
So, for me, knowing the "game" was rigged from the outset took some pressure off of my decision. It's not like either decision was going to be a slam dunk in either direction. That helped me to be less afraid of doing harm to myself or making some "wrong" move no matter which direction I chose. Because...there was going to be great harm either way.
That being said. there was a fairly comprehensive list of reasonings that my head and heart tag-teamed to offer me fairly quickly that compelled me to go after every detail that could possibly exist. Many of those have been mentioned already in this thread, but mine are as follows:
*F*CK SECRETS THAT'S WHY
OM was not going to be allowed to have intimate knowledge and experiences of and with my wife to keep to himself. This was (for me) a no brainer. I would rather have the worst possible scenario under the sun turn out to be the reality of what I uncovered than to simply leave it with the OM for him to keep alone. It really felt like getting some of my agency back in a weird way to get every possible detail of everything they did, said, experienced together.
* I'm Rocky That Way?
You know that scene in one of the Rocky movies where Rocky, mid fight, just drops his defenses and let's Mr. T just wail on him undefended? With each crushing blow Rocky endures, he gets back up and shouts, "Ain't so bad! C'mon!. Ain't so bad!". I may be a freak this way, but I felt like taking in all of the worst possible things in thier most violent and brutal detail was sort of like that for me. HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT(S), OM. Hit me with your BEST, f*cking Infidelity! I don't know if it's particularly wise, but I think I wanted to prove something to myself, the OM, and maybe even my WW. That I could take their worst and keep getting back up. I figured the absolute worst outcome was, I would divorce if I couldn't take those shots. However, if I cOULD take them, it was super encouraging to me in regards to hopefulness for a successful reconciliation.
*Infidelity CSI
I think the details are like a crime scene. They give us clues. And those clues speak things that words can't. Things perhaps about motives, intent, depth, scope, and purpose. Yes. murder is murder. There is a bottom line there. Someone has been killed on purpose. However, the details of the scene of the crime give us INFINITELY MORE information ABOUT THAT PARTICULAR crime than just the crime itself. Look. We are adults here. We all know how sex works (like my therapist told me...why do you want to know the details, WH? You know how sex works) Yes, we certailnly all know how the "PLUMBING" of it works. But don't we also all kow that sex is FAR FAR MORE than just the plumbing? Compatible parts and friction are possibly the LEAST of it, no? So, I wanted to "see" how she was with him. Just exactly HOW did MY wife f*ck him? I needed to "see" that in detail, and let those clues speak to me and TELL ME NON VERBAL insights, motivations, purposes, etc. about this crime. About the "criminal" I have to decide whether or not to spend the rest of my life with. I think the things those clues "say" are important. Very important in being as informed as I could about how to proceed. Now...crime scenes are little slices of hell on earth. Visiting one, this one. Changes you. Forever. For me, it was a tragically necessary evil to have to go there to get the information and insight I needed.
*The Boogeyman In The Closet
I just felt that if there was a truth in my life that, IF KNOWN, you know, just might kill me, keep me perpetually wounded, or end my marriage etc...that I PROBABLY SHOULD KNOW IT? That, if the only reason (or even PART of the reason) that I could be "OK" was becuase I just closed my eyes to existent truths and refused to look at them, that it just felt like there was this Boogeyman in the closet of my home (my mind). He was in there, alive and intact, but as long as I never opened the door and saw him, he could'n hurt me. But every time I passed down the hall by that closet, I would know he was in there. ALWAYS a pervading sense of his presence in my home. Even if locked in a closet. And then you start to wonder, what if he somehow gets out on his own? And even if he never does, THE THOUGHT OF A LIVING BREATHING BOOGEYMAN BEING IN A CLOSET IN MY HOME became intolerable. I just refused have him in my home, even locked away. And so, again I reasoned, I let him out and he beats the "s*it out of me..okay...I divorce. But if he doesn't, then...I can get him the f out of my house. I just had to face him. I had to empty that closet. It was just creepy to me to not do it.
Now...all of THAT being said. It's still true. Once you know...you know. And you can't unknow. And knowing IS terrible. I am going on 2 years from my fully detailed D Day. The sexual details (and the belittling/badmouthing) are still where I am fighting for my life. But I would rather be fighting in and with the full truth...than letting the OM keep his secrets, than sitting ringside instead of being in the ring proving to myself (and Infidelity) that I can take their best shots. I'd rather do my fighting knowing what the details of the crime scene told me about this crime...and about the one who perpetrated it on me...than not. And, even if I have to fight some form of him until my dying day, I would rather live with that Boogeyman OUT OF THE CLOSET IN MY HOME than having to live with the creepiness of keeping him there.
I wish you the best...and remember...there is no checkmate win move here....so just play it how you feel it.
WH