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This is really hard for me. It is one of my resolutions to practice gratitude. When it comes to my FWH I find it difficult to feel grateful for him now without feeling like an idiot knowing what he did.

Anyone else feel that way?

I think showing gratitude to the WS is OK provided they are showing at minimum an equal amount of gratitude to us BS's for the hell that we continuously go through and for the gift of a second chance.

I also struggle with this, so, so much. I know I'm still early days, 13 months out, but this is something I would like to get better at, not for my WH's sake, but for myself. I hate feeling so bitter and resentful. It not only makes me treat him badly, but it makes me feel horrible about myself and everything else. So I am also trying to start dipping my toes into gratitude in regards to my WH, marriage, life in general. But man is it HARD after DD. I find the balance between it turning into a form of rug sweeping and gratitude difficult to navigate also.

It's a tough one, showing gratitude after trauma. Does your WH do things that vary worthy of gratitude, or are you feeling pressure to give him gratitude in an "everybody gets a ribbon" sort of fashion?

I applauded you for having the courage to try R. It takes strength of character and.resolve.

Just some guy-
Yes he is.

For me, the key was to realize (and this may not be the case in your situation) that the affair was a result of something broken in him. In our case, his affair was without QUESTION a result of the ways he was raised to understand himself and his manhood... it left him fragile in a way I am only recently able to understand.

When I was able to see that the affair was a dysfunctional response to depression, I was able to see him differently. I have had my own struggles with depression, and my own struggles with social ideas of womanhood.

It humanized him, and it helps that my spouse is deeply and profoundly contrite.

I have decided to be grateful for our capacity to find each other...to choose each other... after a wild fire burned all that we thought we have to the ground.

In the face of that devastation, we still chose reconciliation. We still chose each other.

That's kind of amazing.

That's worth some gratitude, at least for me.

In saying this, I recognize that this is due in large part to his efforts to show profound regret and to embrace the work of recovery.

In saying this, I recognize that I am still wounded and trying to understand which wounds came from his affair and which are ones I brought with me into this marriage.

It's a journey. I choose to be grateful that we are on the path together, even though it has been hard and unspeakably painful.

Make sure, though, that you are RECOVERED enough to even think about gratitude. First 6-8 months? Hell no. About a year in, I can do it. I have recovered enough--and he has done enough work--that I can do that.

Betrayal is a trauma. Recovery is a journey, not a race. Love how far you have come, forgive that you are not where someone else thinks you should be.

Yes this is something I struggle with.

I’ll start by saying I haven’t forgiven my husband but I have forgiven myself for not divorcing him. I think that is an important step I took. I doubt I will ever forgive him but I’m okay with that. I couldn’t forgive someone who was going to damage our children’s lives (never mind mine). I don’t think I need to forgive him but I needed to forgive me. I did the best I could with the resources I had at the time. I have done what I think is right for me and my children. I stood by my values and principles and I am happy with that.

Recklessforgivers post resonates with me. His issues caused his poor choices. He blamed me at the time but of course he would, if not he would have to have taken responsibility for his choices. Being the bad guy in his story was not a character he was prepared to be. I felt empathy within an hour of finding out as I knew this would damage his self esteem further. When reality hit and he started to do the work he knew it was nothing to do with me. He regularly tells me this.

I see gratitude as things that I appreciate each day. Small things. Chatting to a friend at the gym or seeing daffodils appear for the first time that year. Or the bird that nests in my hedge over winter. So I tend to write small things I appreciated that day. I think that makes it easier. This was a big step for me as I was in a very bad place 18 months ago. I’ve come a long way and I am proud of myself.

I do understand your reluctance with writing your husband gratitude though and I do write down daily gratitudes. They still rarely mention my husband. I wrote ‘husband made me the best cup of tea I had today’ in the diary. It was true and my best cup of tea of the day is something I look for each day, I don’t always write it down though (I am a tea lover). I won’t write or say something unless it feels authentic, I’m not particularly good at faking it. Plastering on a smile in public is okay but not with my husband over this period. No way. So he gets ‘ran me a warm bath after my run’ or ‘made me my favourite cake as a surprise’. Initially he got no mention, so it’s getting better. Assuming your husband is doing the work Maybe start very small.